And so we go, picking away here and there, bits and pieces of the past.
"There isn't a single happy memory I have of childhood." today is a bit more comfortable. It's a Friday evening as usual, we are still in my office, he always comes to me. Today though he has his jacket off and sleeves rolled back just like me.
"Funny I can only think of a few bad ones." he is on the opposite end of the sofa from me, he looks so together, so in charge. If I didn't know better i would have thought he was always like this. But I do know better, I know it all. All the things that are missing.
"All involving me, right." My throat is suddenly very dry as I know where this might lead.
"No surprisingly not all of them. To tell you the truth I tried not to remember them." he takes a long drink too and I know he failed to forget. We have tip toed enough I guess because I feel it coming. I can feel the shift in the air, smell it almost.
"Ten, we were ten when I can remember the why of something." I did this with a shrink and in group where it made no difference did no good. This time letting it out just might, if nothing else it will be all said and done. "You were wearing brand new red shoes. Flashy red, all the girls at recess were gathered around you and you were just like one of them. Not a care in the world, just standing around talking. You didn't try and show off or be manly or what ever a ten year old boy is suppose to do nope you were just being you. It pissed me off."
"Why? Why would you care who I hung out with or acted like?" he ton was even no sense of anger or impatience. It was like he was talking to a scared injured animal most of the time. Trying not to provoke it and get bitten. I guess in a way he was.
"Because that wasn't how I was raised. In my family you did what was expected not what you wanted."
"That's sad, I'm sorry." I had no idea what he was sorry for all the sorry should be coming from me. "I did really hate you for pouring paint on those shoes though. I loved those shoes." there is a small smile on his face. I take a leep.
"Did you know back then that you were gay?" it just hung there in the air.