It's Amira's (and Sid's) party. Christian just found out that Syed lied to him about the "no nookie during Ramadan" rule. Oops. It's Syed's P.O.V.

A big thank you to xchryedforeverx for helping me out with this one :-)

~s~c~

I feel like a cat being cornered, willing to do anything if I can just to escape those piercing, accusing eyes. I should have known this could happen. I should have realized there was a real chance he would find me out. Find out that I lied to him. That way at least I might have been ready for it. I might have been prepared enough to give him a satisfactory answer. Because right now I sure can't. It's too… complicated.

'You're so full on. Sometimes… I feel like I can't breathe around you'. I swallow. I can't believe I told him that. Not that it isn't true but… it's only part of it.

'I can't help how it is I feel about you' he answers. 'It's getting dark. If you work out how it is you feel about me… I'll be waiting'.

And with a mumbled excuse to Amira and Sid, he is gone. I stare after him in consternation.

A big, very persistent part of me wants to head after him, fall at his feet, just do anything to be near him. But I resist. Because this time I need to be ready when I face him. I need to have answers. And for that to happen, I need some time to think. I need to be alone, but that won't be possible for a couple of hours at least. First, I need to keep Amira happy by staying a little while longer. Then I need to make sure I'm home in time to break fast and pray my fourth namaz of the day.

'Can you at least try and look as if you're having fun? This is supposed to be a party you know'

Amira. I hadn't noticed her coming up to me. I really should make a bit of an effort. She's been complaining about us spending so little time together lately. I feel a pang of guilt as I remember why exactly I haven't been able to see her much.

'I'm sorry. It's a lovely party princess' I assure her.

Apparently that is all she needs. I spent the rest of my time at the party on Amira's arm, smiling politely, laughing at everyone's jokes and looking interested in whatever anyone (mostly Amira) has to say. This seems to be all she requires for now. I let my shoulders relax and my mind wander off.

~s~c~

I heave a sigh of relief as I close my bedroom door behind me. It's been a long night. Observing Ramadan during summer means that I can't break fast until late. What with finishing today's prayers and going to mosque, only now do I have a minute to think about what happened. I smile wryly and plonk myself down on my bed. Now isn't that exactly the problem?

Lying comes easy to me. I'm very good at it. I'm well aware of the fact that I shouldn't of course. But I haven't been able to live my life without lies for as long as I can remember. At some point in my life, I realized that I couldn't be the son my parents expected me to be. They expected me to be the best. The best at anything and everything. The best son, the best student, the best Muslim, the best friend… And all I wanted was for them to never be disappointed in me. So I studied hard, but cheated if I needed it to pass a test. I studied the Qur'an dutifully, but would never ask a question lest I betray I didn't completely understand the full meaning of all the words yet. I was friendly and polite whenever I was shown off to people visiting, but I would always make up an excuse so I could escape before the performance started to suffocate me. I rarely got caught out.

And now I've lied to Christian. I told him Ramadan meant no sex, neglecting to say that that was just from dawn till dusk. How can I explain to him why I did that? I don't know how. I think I might be able to explain it to someone religious, whether they were Muslim, Catholic or Hindu. But I don't know how to explain my faith to someone who doesn't seem to believe in anything but living life to the fullest.

Ramadan is a special time for me. It is of course for every Muslim, but I feel it is more than that. Ramadan is the time of year that I concentrate on the spiritual. Although the fasting can be tough, the first days especially, I really enjoy the connection I feel to god and my faith. I'm used to spending most of Ramadan in a near meditative state, abstaining from things like music, films, books, that I normally enjoy, focussing instead on my prayers and the Qur'an.

How can I explain to Christian that he interferes with all that? When I'm around him, my heart, my head, my whole being is filled with only him. He is the kind of man that cannot be ignored. But to me, he is even more than that. He is like an addiction. Whenever I'm near him, I want to reach out and touch his kind face, his gentle hands, his powerful body… My nose fills with that unique scent that is him, and I want to nuzzle his skin, breathing him in. My eyes feast upon him, taking in every last part of him from the soft curve of his ear, to the curly hair high on his chest, the pronounced muscles of his thighs… My breath quivers at the thought. Being near him is all it takes to overwhelm me, but when he wraps his arms around me and covers my mouth with his, I am truly lost… God how I love to loose myself in his embrace, give myself up to him, surrender to him… I open myself up, show my vulnerability, but the fact that he does the same for me, makes me feel strong and vigorous instead of weak and dependent. Whenever I am with him, I want to stay with him forever. Whenever I'm not with him, I want to rectify that situation straight away and hurry off and find him.

And I know I've been ignoring Amira lately, spending as little time with her as I can get away with. Christian needed me and I wanted to be there for him. Now that he is well again, back to his old self, I suppose I really should start spending a little more time with my fiancée. She's been hinting as much. I'm not prepared to give her up, not prepared to give up the life she represents. But at the same time, I don't think I could ever give him up. I try not to think about it, try not to think of what that means. How can I marry Amira, be with her, create our own little family, when I cannot stop thinking about Christian? Cannot stop wanting him, needing him, desiring him? Whenever I let myself think these thoughts, desperation fills me and I have trouble breathing. Desperation, because I cannot see a solution. Desperation because of course, somewhere deep inside of me, I realize something will have to give. But that is a truth I cannot face. And since I cannot lie to myself like I do others, I choose not to think about it. I divide up my time, my life, my mind into separate compartments and put each part safely away. I will hide from the truth just a little while longer.

Ramadan is a special time of year for me. Important. Sacred. I lied to Christian in order to protect that part of who I am. How do I explain to him that I need some distance, some time away from him, some time to free myself of him so I can get some of that sacred time back? So that I can concentrate on something bigger than him, bigger than us? Ramadan is not only about abstaining from food, not only about saying my prayers in time, not only about going to mosque. It's not supposed to be. It's a time to contemplate my faith, feel the importance, the relevance to my life. A time to feel close to god, study the Qur'an, learning, understanding, comprehending… And for me to do that, for me to truly feel that, live it, breathe it, I need some distance. Distance from him. But how do I explain that to him? How do I explain that to him, when at the same time distance from him is the very last thing I want? It would be so easy to give in and just go to him. But that would mean me losing an important part of myself. The one part of me that I have never felt ashamed of, never felt a failure at. The one part of me I never had cause to doubt. The simple truth of it is, that I can't. I can't and I don't want to.

~s~c~

I've not slept much. I didn't go over to Christian's last night. How could I, when I still don't know how to explain myself to him?

'Syeeeeed! Awww… you look terrible' Amira calls out to me from across the square.

'Thanks. I couldn't sleep'. Well at least that part is true.

'Awww… thinking about me?'

Again that pang of guilt at that question. And then another one as I come out with the easy, automatic lie.

'Who else?' I smile insincerely.

'Hmmm… looks like someone had a good night though'.

I turn to see who she's talking about and feel my heart plummet. Christian. And the man he is with is none other than… James. It's like my worst nightmare has come true. I can feel myself get physically sick at the sight of them. I'm vaguely aware of Amira saying she has to go, but I don't really take it in. I mumble something about calling her and then watch helplessly as Christian slings his arm around James's shoulder and walks off with him.

I can't believe he'd do this. Really can't. Or maybe I can and that is the problem. All I know for sure is that I can't bear the uncertainty. One way or the other, I have to know what's going on. So when I see them entering the café, I follow them in to confront them.

~s~c~

Reviews, as always, much appreciated :-)