It's after midnight, NYE. This chapter is from Syed's POV.
Can I just tell everyone who reviewed my last chapter a very big THANK YOU! Special thanks to enchanted nightingale who read the whole thing in one go and reviewed every single chapter :-o. Loved it!
~s~c~
The house is quiet. Outside I can still hear people talking, laughing, moving around, but here all is still. It's almost 2.00 AM and Mum and Dad will have gone to sleep ages ago. The light in the kitchen is on, but I'll bet anything it's Tamwar, not my parents. I see I'm right as I push open the kitchen door and there's the over-familiar sight of my little brother, clicking away on his laptop.
'Hey Tam. Thought that was you. Had a good night?' I ask.
He bristles.
'Er… no? What kind of question is that anyway? First Zulekha stands me up and then weird/ scary Afia turns up. Didn't you notice?' Tam asks, clearly exasperated with me.
I smile ruefully.
'Sorry. Bit distracted tonight. Lot on my mind,' I say truthfully.
Tam shrugs.
'I suppose… Big day tomorrow, isn't it…' he scowls.
'Hmmm…' I reply vaguely, as I walk over to the sink. 'Want some tea? I'm making some'.
'Yeah why not,' Tam replies absently, bending over his laptop once more.
A couple of minutes later, we're sipping at still a bit too hot tea and sharing half a packet of the fancy biscuits Mum tried (and failed) to hide from us.
'Shouldn't you be asleep right now? You'll be dead on your feet tomorrow. Amira won't be impressed'.
Sleep. Yeah right, if only. I'll be lucky to even get 5 minutes of sleep, and the rest of the time… I swallow. I'm pretty sure the thoughts and feelings I've been repressing since midnight will come crashing back and haunt me just as soon as I'm alone. I shake my head as images of a determined Christian try and niggle their way into my thoughts. No. I'm going to try and stall for as long as I possibly can. Talking to Tam is as good a distraction as any.
'Not tired,' I answer. 'Too wired I think'.
'I can imagine. Just think, this time tomorrow, you'll be a married man. In fact, this time tomorrow you'll be…' Tam stops and scrunches up his nose. '' Well… let's not go there'.
It takes me embarrassingly long to understand where he was going. Oh god. I hadn't really allowed myself to think past all the celebrations tomorrow. To think about… after. When it's just me and her. When… things will be expected from me…
I break out in cold sweat. My mouth is still smiling, teeth grinding with the insincerity of it, as my insides squirm in blind panic. I always knew I'd have to have sex with Amira someday, of course I did. But that was always some random day, far into the future. Not… I swallow hard. Not tomorrow night. Up till now, I've managed to avoid thinking about it thoroughly. I've convinced myself that I can do it. That I'd be ready when the time came. How could I not have realised that time is now?
'Syed? You ok?' Tam asks, frowning in concern.
No, I want to scream. I'm not ok. But instead I square my shoulders and force down the panic with an incredible effort.
'Of course I am. I'm getting married tomorrow. Have you seen my wife to be? How could I not be happy?' I answer, trying to persuade myself as well as Tam.
Tam sulks.
'Yes thank you, I have. No need to rub it in. You don't know how lucky you are,' he says, sounding slightly miffed.
All I do is shrug. What can I say? I understand that many a man would envy me for marrying Amira, including Tam. And I should feel lucky. Amira deserves nothing less. But I just don't have it in me…
~s~c~
Reluctantly, I drag myself up the stairs. Tam's gone up five minutes ago. I wanted to stall a bit longer, but there's no use. Wherever I go, my thoughts follow me. It turns out they can find me in the kitchen just as easily as in the privacy of my room. I don't have the energy to do anything but flop on my bed, still fully dressed. I sigh, close my eyes and don't even try to keep the irrepressible thoughts at bay.
First, there's Christian. He's always first… In the darkness I can easily recall every tiny little detail of my encounter with him tonight. I remember his mouth… How it was set in a determined line, how those lips kissed me in a way that stopped my heart and took my breath away… His eyes. The way he looked as I said those words that killed the light in them. My heart aches as I think of him, looking at me like that. I hate that I hurt him and yet I keep doing it, over and over again… His arms… God, I love every single part of him, but I think I love his arms most of all. They give me shelter, warmth, love… I shiver. I'm not ever going to feel those arms around me ever again, am I… I will have to find a way to survive, to live, without them, without him…
It takes me a while to register the tears, rolling down my cheeks unchecked. But when I do, it feels like a flood I just can't stop. Tears keep coming from I don't know where and suddenly I feel my shoulders shaking with uncontrollable sobs. I quickly turn on my side, curl into a tiny little ball and bury my face in the pillow to stop the anguished sobs and cries from being heard. Safe in the knowledge that no one will come in here before morning, I let go and weep, surrendering to the sobs that wrack my body...
I've never felt this heartbroken in my life. What the hell was I thinking? It was always going to be like this, wasn't it… I think a tiny part of me, somewhere buried deep inside, still held out a little hope. Foolish hope. Hope that perhaps I could be the man I was supposed to be, live the life I was supposed to live, and still be happy. Fool, I admonish myself. I will have the love of my family, the respect of my community, a beautiful wife by my side, and that will have to be enough. I should be happy to settle for that much.
But the truth is I'm not. Happy. I just can't bring myself to be. I'm resigned to my fate, yes. But I can't be happy about it…
I turn on my back and stare at the ceiling, feeling slightly calmer. The sobs have subsided for the most part, only leaving an occasional quivering breath and some pathetic little snuffling sounds. Come on. Pull yourself together… And I do.
So… Fact: I'm getting married in the morning. That's what it is, a fact. No changing it. Getting married, being married, will change several things though. No more Christian for starters, a soft but insistent voice whispers inside my head. I bristle and shove all thoughts of him away for now.
It will mean making Mum happy, Dad proud. Tam jealous, I add as an afterthought and roll my eyes. He'll get over it. It'll mean being safe. Safe from anyone ever suspecting that I might be… that I am gay I suppose. It'll mean fitting in. Being someone to envy instead of something to despise. It means I could start my own family. Be a father. Make Mum and Dad grandparents… Yes, these same old arguments still hold true.
And still…
I groan and pull the covers over my head. One step at a time. That's the only way I'm going to survive this. Don't think about anything beyond the next step. I check the time. In about 2 hours I have to get up, shower and get changed for the wedding. I can do that. My eyes flick over to the beautiful Sherwani hanging on the door of my wardrobe, ready for tomorrow. Well, I consider, at least I'll look the part. Even if I don't feel it…
~s~c~
I wake at the sound of the alarm. I can't believe it, I actually managed to get some sleep after all.
Right… Let's get this over with. Let's get married. I sit up and hoist myself out of bed. I see my reflection in the mirror and flinch. God I look a mess. My hair is a dishevelled mess, my clothes messy and creased. I feel sweaty and disgusting. Lovely. Definitely time for a shower.
I bless my own foresight in setting the alarm early. No one is up yet thank God, and I can sneak into the shower undisturbed. I heave a blissful sigh as the almost too hot water cascades down my body. I start vigorously washing my body and hair, starting to feel like a new man as I get cleaner. The water feels so good… Soothing. I can't bring myself to turn the shower of yet. Just one more minute…
I love taking a shower. I know some people like to soak in a tub full of delicately fragranced bath salts and all that, but for me, nothing beats a good shower. It invigorates me, makes me feel ready to face the new day.
Unfortunately, it also reminds me of Christian. I've been in his shower more times then I've been in his bed. I shiver as goose bumps cover my skin. I always used it, sometimes with regret, before going home. Regret because I wanted to take him with me, take every little part of him with me that I could. I longed to keep his scent lingering on my skin. Keep the visible and invisible mark our lovemaking left behind with me forever. I close my eyes and lean my forehead against the cool tiles.
Other memories threaten to break the surface. Memories of me and him, sharing that same shower. But there is no way I'm letting that happen. Not today. I'm getting married today. I turn off the tab, step out of the shower and look at myself in the mirror coolly. One step at a time, I remind myself. Time to get dressed now. I can do that.
~s~c~
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