So sorry I've kept you waiting this long! I've kind of been dreading the wedding chapters... But the good news is, you're getting two new chapters in one go!

This one is from Syed's POV. It's the wedding and Syed just got Christian's call. Zainab knows...

~s~c~

One step at a time… One step at a time…

I've been repeating the words like a mantra all day. And so far, it's worked well for me. So far… Take shower… tick! Get dressed… tick! Give Mum the necklace… tick! Those were the easy steps.

Meeting Christian in the caff. I thought that would be the hardest part. And it was hard.

I mean what did you even come here for anyway!

I still cringe when I think of that question. And I have no more answers now then I did then.

Because I miss you… And because I wanted to see you… Because I hoped you'd say it was all ok.

All true. All of it's true… Pathetic isn't it? What was I thinking agreeing to go see him? How in the world could I have thought that that would make any of this better, easier, less… devastating?

I smile as someone puts flowers round my neck. I have no idea who I'm smiling at. I just know that's what I'm supposed to do. I'm a man, on his way to be married. That's what you do isn't it? I watch how Mum gets her flowers as well. I see the way she looks at me. Oh God, this can't be happening. It can't, but it is. So I fix my smile firmly in place and walk on.

Did I push Christian too far? Did I push him into this? Was this my fault? Should I have… But what else could I have done? Mum said he was crying afterwards. God Mum… what on earth am I going to do now? What can I do? God, I don't want to be here… I don't want to do this…

He was crying… I know he was. And what did I do? I got on that damned horse, that's what I did. I thought I'd resolved things. Ha! I told him I was gay. Told him… that I loved him... I thought that would be enough. I really did. God, I'm such an idiot! How can it be enough, when it isn't even anywhere near enough for me? When I know it'll be torture every time I see him, hear his voice, his laugh, and know he can never be mine again? Not that he ever was… And now… What's going to happen now? I don't think I can bare it, I really don't…

When all is said and done, at least I can take comfort in knowing that in the end, it was my choice. Christian… he doesn't even have that. I took that away from him. Me. Does he blame me for that? Is he angry? Is that why he's done this? Out of spite?

But then I remember the way he looked at me, out on the square. No. It's not anger. Not now. And it doesn't matter, not any more. It is the way it is, and I have no choice but to deal with it. I'll have to figure out a way to do that.

I'm stopped by Zuleka and that Afia girl, ordering me to pay the price to come in. As I play my part in this little ritual, I keep hearing his words over and over again in my head.

I've told her everything. I'm so sorry Sy…

Told her what? What is everything? Can I deny it? Him? Will I be able to bluff my way out of this? Can I salvage this wedding? My wedding? Do I… Do I even want to?

The girls let me through. So I do what is expected of me and walk on. Smiling. Of course smiling, always smiling... I nod and smile as rose petals are being thrown at me. Mum and Dad are right behind me. Dad… I hadn't even thought of him… What if… What if she tells him? Oh God… I can't let that happen! She hasn't told him yet, I'd know it if she had. I have to talk to her, that's all I can think about.

As soon as I see that Dad is distracted, talking to Tam, I corner Mum.

'Mum, can we talk please?' I ask. I try and sound calm. This is not over yet. It's not. I won't let it be.

'Just smile,' she replies, grabbing my arm.

God her smile looks fake. Too… toothy. Does mine look like that?

We slip into a small, deserted room. My heart is beating so loud it would probably be heard over the drummers we had earlier. Mum rips the flowers from her neck and asks me the question I've been dreading for what feels like hours.

'Is it true?'

I take a few quick breaths, trying to steady myself, calm down my racing heart.

'Is what true?' I stall.

I search her face for clues. What does she know? What exactly has Christian told her? And does she believe any of it?

'Don't toy with me Syed. I saw your face when I got out of the car. He must have rung you'.

I almost cringe as I see how angry she is. Is that anger directed at me or at Christian? God, I wish I could read her mind right now…

'Who?' I ask.

I want to kick myself. But all I can think to do is stall. Feel her out. See what I can salvage, if anything.

'Christian', she spits out.

The look on her face as she says his name shatters me. Any hope, irrational hope, that maybe, maybe, Mum loved me enough to… But no, this is a look filled with not only anger and hate, but also dripping with disgust. It actually hurts me, physically hurts me to have her look at me like that while she speaks his name. I swallow.

'I-I don't know what he's told you,' I answer, looking away for a moment. I can't bare the intensity of that look. I can't breathe, I can't…

She talks on, so calmly now. Asks me straight out if I'm a homosexual. She almost chokes on the word. I can see how she feels about it, how she would feel if I confirmed…

So of course I lie. I'm not sure I'm capable of doing anything else where my parents are concerned. About this at least. And she seems to believe me. Yes, I think she does… I feel my heart flutter as hope springs up, hope that I can get out of this still, have her be proud of me, love me, not reject me...

I agree with her that Christian must have lied. Though I do admit that I've been tempted. I want to leave it at that. I plead silently that she'll let me. That she'll smile at me and allow this wedding to go on. Because that's what I want. Isn't it?

But she goes on and on about him, about Christian, and I can't stand it. I can't stand her laying into him like that, saying how sick he is and how he's delusional because he thinks he loves me, and I…

'Don't talk about him like that!' I blurt out.

Oh God… Oh God oh God oh God… What have I done? What did I say? Oh, no no no no, please tell me this isn't happening, please, please…

She looks at me… Oh God she looks at me and I can tell the moment the truth hits her. And I can't take it back. I can never take it back. It's too late, too late…

'Syed…'

Her voice is full of pain, disbelief, grief…

This is it. The point of no return. The moment of truth and all that. So I just say it.

'I'm gay, Mum. I'm gay and I love him'.

Mum turns away from me, crying, looking devastated. I can feel my own tears running down my cheeks. What now? What do I do now?

~s~c~

'I now pronounce you man and wife, and may Allah rain down blessings on you and your families'.

Well… That's it. I'm married now. Mum knows I'm gay, she knows I love Christian, but still, I'm married now. This is all feeling a bit surreal to me. People clap and cheer, Dad hugs me… He almost never hugs me… I'll bet he wouldn't be hugging me now, if…

I look over at Mum. She looks, I don't know… Happy I think. Tearful, worried, but happy. As she should be. She's the one who told me to marry Amira. Mary her anyway. Despite of… I told her I didn't know what to do, asked her to help me. Asked her if she could still love me if…

She never answered me. Just told me to marry Amira. That's when I knew I'd been fooling myself. I've always known that my parents finding out that I was gay would mean they'd reject me. But still… But still I guess I didn't really believe it. Mum especially. I mean, she welcomed me back into the family, defying Dad, not even giving up on me when she found out I took that money. And she's my Mum, right? So I guess I thought, that maybe…

I guess I know different now. It's no use feeling bitter, it's no use feeling regret. I made my choice and all I can hope for is that, if I never… if I just stay with Amira, be a husband to her, a father to her children, that some day she may not be ashamed of me any more. That she'll be proud of me again. I'm not sure if I'm deluding myself, not sure of anything right now, but I'm going to have to try. Try harder. I push down hard as my doubts threaten to resurface, reminding me that I have tried, it's not possible to try any harder. I can't think about that now. Just as I can't think about…

Christian. I'd lost track of him for a moment when people stood up to applaud. But now I see him, standing there, looking so very hurt. I'm sorry, I am, but this had to happen. I've accepted it and he needs to accept it too.

I can't believe he walked in at the last minute like that. I know I asked him to be there, I did, but God that made it difficult… I thought I was resigned, resolved to go through with the wedding, but I can't deny he made me waver… I look away. Perhaps I should be able to deal with his pain along with mine, perhaps I deserve that, but I feel that I can't.

I asked him to tell me that everything would be ok. In the caff. That even though I would be married to Amira, it'd still be ok. But he refused. I don't know why it was so important for me to hear those words from him. I guess it's childish really. And useless… Useless because, of course it's not going to be ok. I don't know if anything ever will be. I'm supposed to be a good husband to Amira now, and I have no idea how to do that.

All I know how to do, is smile and pretend. So that's what I do. I play the part of the happy newlywed, the proud husband, the obedient and loving son. I play the part that is my life now. I smile at the guests, talk to them, let them congratulate me and smile some more.

~s~c~

Right, on to the next...