Note: Make sure you've read the previous chapter before you read this one. I'm posting two new chapters in one go and this is the second one.
It's still the wedding, Christian's POV this time.
~c~s~
Why? Why did I do this to myself? Did I really think I could stop him? That he'd choose me? What on earth gave me that idea… I want to find the nearest wall and thump my head against it repeatedly in frustration. But that would draw a lot of unwanted attention to me. That's the last thing I need. People looking at me. Asking me what's wrong…
Syed is married. It hasn't quite sunk in yet.
I was so angry last night. And then today as well, when Zainab came to see me and accused me of being perverted and I… I told her. I shouldn't have done that. I really shouldn't have. It wasn't my place to tell. Yes, I think Syed should have told her, his Dad, Amira, everyone. But I know it had to be his decision. I just… couldn't take it anymore.
So now Zainab knows. That makes three, Lucy, Jane, Zainab… I was sure that would be enough to stop the wedding. What a fool I was…
All this time, I never listened to him. To Syed. He told me, told me over and over again what it would be like. That his parents, his friends, his mosque, could never accept that he was gay. Or at least not accept him acting on it. I guess it's ok to love men, love me, just as long as he doesn't act on it… He told me, but I was arrogant enough to think I knew better.
They are so good at fooling people… I knew Syed was, but now I can see Zainab at work too. If I didn't know what happened, if I wasn't the one to tell her that this marriage is a sham, will always be a sham, because her precious son is gay… I would never have been able to tell.
They look so beautiful together. All of them do. And Syed… My heart aches with his beauty. He's so familiar to me, so close, so precious, but right now he looks like a beautiful, exotic stranger. A beautiful stranger with his equally beautiful wife. I can't believe this is the same man I've held in my arms countless times, the same man I've made love to, whose body I've worshipped, who's looked at me with so much desire, passion, love…
Fuck, I can't bear this! My beautiful Sy… I know I'm being pathetic, staying here, waiting for those brief moments in which our eyes meet. Waiting for them and fearing them at the same time. Every look cuts into me, but to not have him look at me is not an option.
I mean, this is it. After this, I'm going to have to move on aren't I… I'll have to let him go, need to let him go.
The party around me passes me by in a big blur of colour and music. Everyone's so happy, so cheerful, it's sickening. At the moment I'm suffering through dinner, pushing the food around on my plate, unable to actually eat anything. I'm stuck with that Minty and Manda, both of them trying to suck me into their insipid conversation. I don't know what I'm still doing here…. What the fuck am I still doing here? He's married, it's over, time to say goodbye Christian. You've lost. Face it.
'Mind if we have a quick chat?'
Zainab. Without a word, I get up, put on my jacket and follow her. Might as well face her now.
She does what I'm expecting her to do. Says what I was expecting her to say. Why did I come? I tell her the truth. I tell her I had to see it for myself…
Then she asks me to leave. And I do. Because really, I've done what I came here for. There's nothing left here for me. I've been waiting for my cue to leave and I guess this one's as good as any.
I start heading towards the exit. I feel like I'm in a daze, just walking on as I hear someone call my name, twice. The second time, I recognise the voice as Jane's and feel forced to turn around. Is she going take this opportunity to say "I told you so"? Honestly, I don't care. I think I might be numb by now.
She doesn't say anything. She just looks at me with such… pity, that I want to shrink within myself. Then she hugs me and I crumble. Honestly, I don't know where these tears keep coming from. I mean, I've shed so many already today, you'd think they would have run out before now. Apparently not. I allow myself to let go for a moment, squeeze her tight.
'I have to go now,' I tell her.
She nods silently.
I give her a quick kiss and squeeze her hand.
'Thank you,' I whisper.
She wipes a tear away from her eyes and gives me a smile. I hold my hand up in a silent salute and turn away. I walk toward the reception area where I deposited my luggage earlier.
My luggage… What will I do? Should I leave London? England? I'm sure it would be easier in a lot of ways to turn my back on Walford and just go. But I'm not sure I'm ready to do that…
I thank the man that hands me my bag and try and smile. Alright Christian. This is it. Time to go.
And then he's there. Syed. I think somewhere deep down I knew he'd come. Or I just hoped he would… God he's beautiful, my hands ache to touch him.
'They stole my shoe,' he says. 'It's an Asian thing'.
I nod, feeling more tears stream down my cheeks.
When he speaks again, his voice sounds so soft, broken, pleading even.
'I'm so sorry'.
'Don't be,' I interrupt him.
'Christian I…'
And suddenly I know just what to say. There's only one thing I can say now. Only one more thing I can do for him. For my Sy. For the man I love so very very much.
'It's ok. It's all ok…'
I step forward and tentatively place my hands on his cheeks. I can't stop crying, sobbing even. I bend his head, his beautiful head, and place a gentle, kiss on his forehead, lingering perhaps a bit longer than necessary because I'm not ready to let him go yet. I end the kiss, letting my hands slip down to his chest and look at him one more time. Then I do the impossible, I walk away…
~c~s~
More tears… God, will they ever stop? In the privacy of my own flat, I let them run unchecked.
As soon as I closed the door behind me, I collapsed. I'm sitting on the cold floor now, my back against the door, hugging my knees, feeling utterly miserable and alone.
Everywhere I look I see him. When I look at the sofa, I see how he flirted with me, how we talked for hours that night… The table, how he laughed at me, made fun of me. I smile through my tears at the memory.
The bed… Every few minutes my eyes are drawn to it. So many memories and yet they'll never be enough… I shiver as I remember the feel of his naked skin against mine. The way he looked at me when he was about to come, like I was the world to him, everything he would ever need. I remember the way his hair looked, spread out on my pillow. I remember those soft lips, how they could curve into a smile and how soft and inviting they looked when he was asleep in my arms. I remember… I remember it all.
I remember those sheets, they were on the bed that time he surprised me. I'll have to get rid of those… But then I'd have to get rid of everything. And that would be too much.
I keep opening my eyes, keep looking round, almost searching for another memory. It's killing me, but I can't seem to make myself stop. It's like picking a scab, you know you shouldn't, it'll hurt, it might start to bleed again, it might leave a scar, but you just can't help yourself.
Everything feels wrong right now. It's wrong that I'm even here, but I can't not be. I've done all I could for Syed. He's going to have to handle the rest of it alone. And me… I'll have to start picking up the pieces that are left of my life soon. I'll have to move on. But not yet, I decide. Tonight, I can crumble. I'm allowed to. It's ok to cry, to grieve, to wallow in self pity even. Just for tonight, that's ok. So I let my head fall on my knees, close my eyes and give in to the pain.
~c~s~
I know, I know, I'm sorry *cries*
Now I really don't want to see the wedding episode again for a long, loooong time *snifs*
Still love reviews though :-)
