Light filters through my closed eyelids and I try to remember what bender I was on. I remember the call of the demons, the itch and want. I just don' remember anything past that point.
The loathing seeps in, the feeling of I was so close to being free. All for nothing because once again it Was all for nothing. I fooled myself one to many times I guess. Thinking that I could handle it all. There is no shovel for this hole, it was started a pebble at a time so many years ago. But the funny thing is a pebble at a time builds up. Each one putting you further and further down.
I won't open my eyes, as long as they are closed I can go to my place. My room, the soothing blue, the calming sound of nothing. My head rests on a pillow sinking in. There is a light blanket on me. It is soft, it is not to heavy, my skin isn't crawling...
Wait... My skin isn't crawling. Other sounds creep in. I can hear rain, soft rain. I smell something cooking. I feel humidity and the air of a vent.
Fog lifts, not a lot but enough for me to realized there is no head pounding, no dizzy feeling..
I test a theory and turn to the sound to my left. Squinting my eyes open as is practice I see light. No pain, there is a brown couch back. Letting my eyes creep up further I see a pale robins egg blue wall. Following it up I am not met with harsh white instead a softer paler version of the same blue. It is nice. To many times I woke up to a soothing wall and met with a painful ceiling. I relish in it and wonder where I was put this time. What facility are they trying this time. Best money can buy was suppose to run out three places ago. The neck sent them over the edge they said.
I will just lay here finally feeling at home for once and wait til the next Nurse Cratchet or Dr. Quack walks in and pretend I am someplace safe.
I'm good a that, pretending. I have been so many places through my recovery. This time I might not even need a book.
I hear a voice, I think it's singing.
"that may be all I need..." it's faint but I like it and then I hear the rain on a pane...
