This is from Christian's POV. It's a little bit further in time, the day after Kamil is born.
~c~s~
'I'm sorry,' he whispers against my chest.
I smile.
'It's ok,' I answer, softly stroking his hair. 'It's ok now'.
He doesn't seem to hear me. Instead he just goes on, his voice an almost inaudible whisper. I can feel his lips form the words against my skin, the sensation sending a little thrill of pleasure through me.
'I've been such an idiot. You were right. You were so right. It was never going to work. I mean, what was I thinking? I'm gay and I love you. How on earth was I ever going to be a good husband?'
I keep stroking his hair soothingly, drinking in the words I've been longing to hear for such a long time. I can't believe he's here, finally, in my arms where he belongs. Where I need him to be.
'It doesn't matter,' I assure him. 'Not anymore. Not now that you're here'.
And I mean it. It doesn't matter how much he's hurt me, how much we've hurt each other. He's here now and that is all that matters. All that will ever matter.
'I love you so much,' I can't stop myself saying. Even though I've said it multiple times already tonight. Shouted it, whispered it, groaned it…
'Love you too,' he whispers sleepily.
He wriggles around a bit to get more comfortable and pretty soon I can feel his weight become heavier on my chest. He's asleep. I press a kiss on the top of his head, taking the opportunity to breathe in his scent. God I've missed him. But he's here. He's here now… I can't help but smile as I feel myself drift off to sleep.
~c~s~
I wake up feeling happier then I've felt in months. That is, until I realise… That wasn't real. It wasn't. Syed isn't here. Not with me. He's with Amira. His wife…
And me? I'm on my own. Alone… Of course I am. I knew that really. Just forgot for a moment there. Which is stupid. Painfully stupid. Or just painful…
I sigh and heave myself out of bed. Might as well get up now. Need to be at work in about an hour anyway.
A large, strong mug of coffee later, I stare at myself in the bathroom mirror. Nothing has changed. Not really. It's still me. And I'm still alone.
I honestly thought I was beginning to be ok with that. Syed's married, I had to let him go and I did. So what if I've had some minor hiccups? Like trying to make him jealous by pretending to have a boyfriend, or feeling crushed when he told me he and Amira had finally done it? It's only to be expected that moving on wouldn't be all that easy. That it would take time. And effort. A lot of effort…
God, I still can't think about Syed being anywhere near Amira without feeling a possessive rage surge up inside me. He's mine, I want to snarl, swatting Amira's clutching claws away from Syed. My Syed.
I close my eyes and sigh. Alright. So perhaps I'm not as ok as I previously thought. I still want him. Need him. Love him… I know that. I do know that. But isn't it meant to get easier in time? God I hope so…
Impatiently, I push myself away from the sink and step into the shower. The water is still a bit cold at first, but I don't care. I need the water to wash it all away, the feelings of want and need and longing…
It does seem to help a little. I start to feel calmer, allowing the warm water to soothe me. By the end of the shower, I almost feel ready to face another day. It helps to remember that it's unlikely that I'll run into Syed or any of the Masoods today. I'm sure they'll all be way too busy fussing over the new baby to come looking for me.
I'm the first to get into work. The Vic is still dark and empty and I find I quite like that. It suits me and my mood right now. I quietly go about the preparations for the day.
I say hello to Roxy when she comes in about fifteen minutes later.
'You're early,' she comments.
'Yeah I know,' I agree. 'I've pretty much set everything up already. I'll just water the plants outside and then I'll make us some coffee. Sound good?'
She smiles gratefully.
'Thanks Christian, you're a star,' she says.
It's a bit cold out, hadn't really noticed that before. I nip back in to get my sweater before wandering back out to water the flowers. I'm trying to be careful, making sure not to spill the cold water all over myself instead of the plants like last time.
'Christian? I… I don't suppose Amira's in there?'
Syed… Well, so much for not running into him today. Looks like he's come looking for me. Or Amira I suppose… I don't know… I feel about as confused as he looks. So I decide to try and lighten the mood with a joke. And a very lame one at that.
'Driven her to drink already?' I say, trying for a smile.
For a moment he looks stricken. But he quickly recovers and says: 'A…Actually we're more in love then ever'.
I want to slap him. I honestly do. Or shake him really really hard. I don't believe a word of it, but it still hurts like hell to hear him say those words. And who's he trying to convince anyway? Me? Or himself? A little bit of both I suppose. But his words are too half-hearted to convince either one of us.
I don't say any of that. If he wants to play pretend, then I guess so can I.
'Well I'm pleased for ya,' I lie.
He should have left it at that. I would have let him walk away if he could have just left it at that. Really I would have. Probably… I suppose we'll never know now, because he keeps on talking.
'It's true what they say about marriage. Everything's the same but… different,' he says.
God Sy, what the hell are you doing? Don't you realise I know you far too well for you to lie to me like this? It's the darting eyes. That, and the fidgeting hands. God he's bloody obvious. Why is he doing this? All it does is make me angry, so angry, pushing me to make him eat his words.
'Really?' I say, moving in breathtakingly close. 'Which bit's the same?'
All I do is breathe on his lips and I can feel him respond. For a moment, he just stands there, frozen, eyes transfixed on mine. I can feel the air around us almost sizzle with tension. My heart speeds up as I wonder for just a moment, if he'll…
'Look, if you see her just tell her Mum and Dad are on their way back yeah?' he says.
And then he flees.
'Ok…' I say.
Because what else can I say? I heave a huge sigh and stuff my hands down my jeans pockets. This is so messed up. I'm so messed up. Or we both are really.
Not yet ready to face coffee with Roxy, I linger outside for a bit.
What are you doing Sy? What on earth are you doing, I think over and over again. He acts like he wants us to be friends, coming to me, talking to me, leaning on me… Friends, nothing more. But how on earth is that even possible? I love him for fuck's sake, and I know he loves me. No matter what he says. No matter what he does.
I don't think we can ever be just friends. But at the same time, I realise I'll take what I can get. The self-loathing I feel at that realisation tastes bitter in my mouth. God I hate this…
~c~s~
It's been weeks now since he dared to even come near me. I've seen him around the square of course, but he always bolts when I try and approach him. Again I curse myself for challenging him. So I had the small moment of victory when he gasped his breath and stood there like in trance. But since then? He's avoided me like the plague.
I stare into my vodka tonic morosely and stir it for the umpteenth time. God I hate my life right now…
'Oh for fuck's sake will you bloody well cheer up already?' Roxy exclaims with exasperation.
I smile bemusedly.
'Sorry Rox,' I apologise. 'I know I'm being a right miserable sod, spoiling your night out as well as mine'.
'I know!' she cries out, rolling her eyes. 'What, you think I came to this gay club with you for my own amusement do you?'
I snort.
'Er… Yes?' I respond, giving her a cheeky smile.
She looks indignant for about five seconds before smiling rather sheepishly.
'Yeah alright then,' she acknowledges, leering a the scantily dressed clientele. 'Honestly though, isn't there anything here that catches your fancy?'
I can answer that question without looking. But I decide to humour her and look anyway.
'What about that one? The tall one, with the tattoo?' Roxy suggests.
I look in the direction she's pointing at. And yes, he's beautiful. Gorgeous even, with chocolate brown hair that curls in the neck and a shy smile that contrasts sharply with his muscle-toned body.
But all I can do is look him up and down listlessly. The truth is, I just can't be bothered. Nor can I be bothered about the sultry looking blonde pouting in the corner or the man with black curly hair that is dancing his little heart out in the middle of the club.
Yes, my eyes and brains and body recognise them as attractive, appealing, enticing… But at the end of the day, none of them come close to Syed. They're not Syed. Period. And sadly enough, for them and for me, that means I'm just not interested.
'I'm going home,' I announce suddenly, already standing up and looking around for my jacket.
'Noooooo!' Roxy complains, looking aghast. 'What are you talking about? It's barely midnight for Christ's sake! The night is young and so are we and all that crap. Come on, at least stay and have one dance with me?'
But all I do is shake my head.
'I'm sorry Rox, but I can't. I have to go. Just let me go yeah?'
She opens her mouth to argue, but something in my eyes must have convinced her that arguing would be useless. I won't be changing my mind. Not tonight.
'Ok,' she says finally, looking defeated. 'Will you be alright?'
She looks at me with concern, and I know she isn't just talking about tonight. I smile reassuringly.
'Yes. Of course I will be,' I answer.
She smiles back, looking relieved. Obviously my words have reassured her. If only they could do the same for me…
~c~s~
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