A/N: Hang on to your seats - we're picking up a little bit of turbulence in this one - somewhere...
Monday May 24, 2010
Too keyed up to sleep and too confused to think straight, Tim spent yet another restless night tossing and turning with no trace of slumber in sight. In the last two weeks, he'd gone through this complete sleep deprivation no less than six times. Four of those times had happened since that night he'd let Ducky give him a sedative to help him sleep through the night, ten days ago. Every time he closed his eyes, things said and done in the last two weeks, including the increasingly sensual dream itself, since the dreams had first begun invading his sleep, came back to the screen behind his eyes in vivid stereo replay
This dreaming of a mystery lover his mind wouldn't reveal the identity of when he was there, caught in the dream, was really wearing him down. Last night was the eighth time in two weeks! Yet, every day, I see those eyes at work and I know it can't be right! It can't be him!
It was mind boggling, feeling those lips kiss his own, seeing those eyes capture his own; finally realizing that he couldn't fight the truth any longer. He knew who they belonged to; unmistakable and unique as they were. The truth had hit him right between his own eyes that morning of the first dream two weeks ago. It was time to stop fighting with himself about it and admit the truth; not that there was anything he could do with it anyway. Even stopping himself from revealing to Ducky, who he believed his 'dream lover' to be, the night they'd had dinner at Ducky's over a week ago, hadn't changed much about the situation or even helped him think any more clearly about it.
Night after night of experiencing the vivid sensuality that had made it seem so damn real, had him no longer affected in quite the same way as it had that first morning. Oh, it was still a struggle to believe he'd be dreaming of such a partnering, but his body had stopped fighting the idea many days ago, as his throbbing hard-ons and tented boxers, complete with a wet spot on them every morning after the dream, let him know it had already accepted it completely.
He'd struggled with the mental battle for days after that. As he'd continued to fight it, still telling himself that he longed for a steady girlfriend to fill his off work hours life with. Hell, right about now, he'd be open to having a lover without the steady dating The questions and declarations had seemed endless as they passed through his brain relentlessly, nearly driving him insane during his hours away from work when sleep remained elusive at best.
Where the hell had this come from? He wasn't gay! He'd never even been the least bit interested in any other guy! Why the hell was this about the absolute unattainable? Why would his mind torture him like this; so deep he felt it all the way down to his soul? All he'd ever wanted out a relationship was someone that would at least return the affection if not the genuine emotions he'd always wanted, to go with the physical giving and taking. It hurt too damn much to keep having these dreams; dreams that would never come true.
Tim had known he needed to do something to give himself something more than the dreams were leaving him with and he'd sunk himself into all kinds of research online web site after web site, thankful that he'd bought a laptop he could use anywhere in the apartment as he continued on with his research. Still, his hunger for more knowledge of what he would be getting into once he chose this road with all seriousness, remained unfulfilled.
He'd read so many stories in his spare time his head was absolutely bulging with them; keeping his libido nearly overly -sensitive. Tim had taken to withdrawing from the team more and more as soon as the work day was done, choosing instead, to go home and get lost in the stories of the relationships he was trying so hard to learn everything about. He had lost count of the number of times he'd turned down his teammates' offer to go out for a drink or dinner and all the while, somewhere in the back of his mind, a voice was screaming at him to accept the dream for the true desire of his heart that it was; and to go after it. He'd discovered an aspect of this being bi-sexual that called to him like a siren. It was as if his mind had begun shouting from the roof tops that it had been fostering a death wish from day one and now it wanted to see it fulfilled!
Mentally forcing the whole situation into his private closet, he closed that door and forced his mind to refocus. It was, after all, a work day and he couldn't afford to be distracted; especially with DiNozzo's gay-dar detection the older man was always bragging about. It was bad enough, he'd had yet another moment of clarity regarding these dreams, yesterday at work, like a bolt of lightning from out of nowhere.
**Flashback**
"McGee, talk to me." Gibbs ordered in his normal tone as he returned to the squad room after a coffee run.
"Still running his cell phone records, Boss. So far, we've got two numbers that match with the phone records of our victim."
"Still running, McGee?" Gibbs asked with disappointment as he turned his attention from the plazma screen to his youngest agent's face, his eyes a study in expectations and authority.
Tim felt a shiver run down his spine as his eyes met those of his boss. For some reason, Tim was mesmerized yet again, unable to look away and it was there in that moment, that it hit him. There was no mistaking it now, Those beautiful oceans of blue! They've followed me home to my dreams for weeks now! But, how can that be? There not even compassionate right now and they're still drawing me in!
**End Flashback**
Tim heaved a sigh of frustration as he blinked and returned to the here and now. Strange how taking up the ritual of spending an hour after work running to vent the anquish seen on the job could change the content of his dreams here lately; intensifying it all, as if turning up the heat. Still, these erotic dreams weren't showing any signs of going away and that in itself was mind boggling!
With deliberate determination, he shoved all those thoughts back behind the door of his private life for now. He couldn't afford to keep thinking about this. No, he needed to be able to go into work as if nothing out of the ordinary was going on with him. It would be tough, but he could do it. God, it's getting harder every day!
***NCIS***
Two hours later, all thoughts of dreams and what they might mean, were long forgotten in the face of the new case the team had just been handed. It was the kind of case, every one of them hated and dreaded with all the passion they possessed; the murder of military kids, whose father's or in some cases, their mother's were serving overseas and weren't home to protect their families. It was Gibbs' personal tragedy personified, fresh and deeply painful for the Team Leader; a devastating case for them all. Before they knew it, the morning had moved off and the afternoon had arrived, quietly and without fanfare, as they slaved away for leads, and chased down possible people of interest, talking to every one and any one that could remotely possibly add something useful to the investigation.
Several hours later and the day had disappeared, lost in the grips of the intense investigation. All thoughts of going home to get some sleep, had disappeared with the sunshine of the day, dinner somehow finding its' way to their desks so they would at least be able to eat a decent meal, even if it was just chinese take-out. As was the case when difficult cases such as this came about, one day carried itself on over to the next and before they knew it, the entire team had been working the case for 24 hours straight.
Leon Vance made an appearance in the squad room at this point, giving out one order and intentionally giving it to the team as a whole. "GO HOME! I don't wanna see you back here for at least six hours!"
Slowly, the agents, each of them in turn, looked at Gibbs, waiting for him to nod his agreement, this time, to be met with one general concesion, instead. "Make sure you eat well, too."
Shocked at both the sudden dismissal, as well as Gibbs' response, Tony, Ziva and Tim were slow to react. But, eventually, they did manage to leave, each of them walking to their own cars and nearly dropping down in the driver's seat. Without a spoken word between them, the trio drove off the navy yard, badly in need of the sleep they'd been ordered to go home and make sure they get.
Tim found himself too wound up to sleep, so he wandered over to his couch and opened up the laptop, trying to take his mind off the events of the day and the gruesome details of the case at hand. Closing his eyes in an attempt to conjure up an image that would wipe the ghastly ones stuck in head, clean. It wasn't long before his mind was once again, caught up in the idea of delving deep into the ins and outs of how to pursue a relationship with another man.
His dreams kept him company as he searched and read, passing the hours of the night with no sleep in sight. Before he'd realized it, almost four hours had passed and he was reluctant to tear himself away from what he'd found. In one particular bunch of stories, he'd found a statement that had hit him right between the eyes, but he'd also found the solution. In short; he'd discovered an aspect of this being bi-sexual that called to him like a siren. Why hadn't he thought of this before? Unfortunately, he had to walk away and get some sleep so he could go to work in a few hours. Further investigation into this new decision that beckoned to him, would have to wait.
***NCIS****
It had been a particularly harrowing week and a day from hell to top it off. The case the MCRT had assigned to them, the second one that week, both although already solved and very recently put to bed; still leaving the aftertaste of bitterness, sorrow and anger still sharply stinging all of them. Any case that included kids as victims was always hard on this team since they all had become super sensitive to the boss' pain in that area of his life. Having several cases in a row where the kids were abused or worse, killed, had nearly ripped away at the very core of his agents' supply of self-discipline and self-control when it came down to rounding up and interrogating the suspects. It had taken every ounce of Gibbs' as it was, to keep Tony and Ziva from ripping limbs from their suspects. Even Tim had become snappish and rigid with pent up anger and frustration by the time they'd put the second case to bed, a mere twenty minutes ago.
The Team Leader hadn't wasted any time in letting them go. He'd made the decision to send them on their way the minute their cases were done, knowing he'd go over their reports when the squad room had gone quiet and get the agents to fix any errors later. Having his team be able to decompress and get some rest was much more important. It didn't even matter how much crap he'd have to face from Vance.
As Gibbs watched from behind his hooded eyes, his agents headed out one by one the minute he sounded the call that released them, scrutinizing their body language for any tell-tale signs of just how much of a break they really needed. Tony's hurried steps screamed for his need for escape and not just of the physical variety.
The Senior Field Agent's mind had been put through its' paces of both intellect and restraint for the entire week. The class clown hadn't attempted to be funny or charming once in the last week, the very definition of a completely stressed beyond normal limits for him.
DiNozzo was an old hand at decompressing and would be fine once he'd found himself a cute young thing to keep company tonight or a six pack of beer and a pizza or two in front of a movie marathon and he'd be better able to begin to relax and regroup by tomorrow.
Gibbs knew if he had anything to worry about with Tony, the younger man would have given off signs by now such as showing up at the boss' house asking for a steak dinner or excessive joking or crossing the hazing lines with Tim. No, Tony would be fine. His experience in law enforcement and years under Gibbs had prepped him for these rough weeks and he kept going like the great agent he was.
Ziva, too, was still within her normal range of being able to decompress without any cause for concern. Her innate stoicism was still in place and her eyes were still mirrors of steel, not showing any glimpse of emotion that she didn't want the world to see. Gibbs knew she'd let go of the horrors of what they'd dealt with this week, in her own way, when she was good and ready.
As he returned their 'night, Gibbs" and 'night, Boss" and turned his attention back to his desk, he couldn't help but notice his youngest team member's silent trek toward the back stairwell, with no attempt to speak to any of them. The young man's eyes had taken on a new look in these last few weeks, almost as if he'd been shaken by something new and was still trying to figure it out. Gibbs had seen Tim lost in whatever was going through his mind several times when the others were out getting lunch or taking a coffee break.
For some Tim seemed to started driving himself harder in the same last few weeks than even Gibbs drove him on his worst day, leaving very little room for the boss to lose his temper or be waiting for any leads that had been needed. It was almost as if Tim had decided he suddenly had to prove himself all over again.
Breathing out a sigh of frustration, the Team Leader let him go. Whatever this was about had started weeks ago, as Tim began withdrawing from the team a little more every day and becoming more and more separated from them, not talking to them unless it was case related and only when he had something to contribute or in response to being asked to offer an opinion. Everyone had noticed yet no one had gotten him to talk about whatever was bothering him. Maybe having the next three days off would help Tim's world re-center itself and he'd be fine on Monday.
He'd already gone toe to toe with Vance to give his team this entire three day weekend off, but damn it they'd earned it and he wasn't about to lose any of them to job burnout just because Vance couldn't see past the bureaucratic bull crap that kept him jumping through so many hoops, he literally expected the MCRT to keep going like a band of Timex watches to make the powers that be happy.
Feeling slightly better about things regarding his team, the boss sat back down and got busy going through their reports, hoping they were done right and wouldn't have to be fixed or worse, re-written. Mentally giving himself a head shake, he got to work. His own need to decompress had to wait.
His long-dormant desires he'd kept under lock and key, often used these times to rear their painfully lonely heads and torment him until he found the steady release behind the ruse of his three B's. He didn't want tonight to be another one of those nights.
It had been an excruciatingly painful three weeks with the case they'd been on this week, coupled with his youngest agent taking to staring at him with enough want mixed with uncertainty in his eyes, that Gibbs was no longer immune to it or ignorant of it. So long as the case needed to be solved, he was able to focus solely on work and that was how it should have been. But the minute his mind had tried to escape the horrors of the case for a moment of fresh air, those alluring green eyes came to mind, bringing with them, the desire to come clean with the young man in hopes that it would help Tim do the same. His gut was telling him that after three weeks of being stared at by those eyes, he'd figured out what was bothering the young man. Now it was just a matter of getting Tim to admit it.
Working directly across the room from Tim while the young man steadily wore the signs of being shaken by something deeply personal, had not been easy by any means. It had taken all of Gibbs' inner self-discipline not to haul the young man into his arms behind closed doors and soothe away the uncertainty and the fear he'd seen in those sleep deprived , yet still gorgous, green eyes. Knowing that part of the reason that look had been there was due to the pain they all felt at the loss of the kids involved in this case, only made it more difficult to remain 'hands-off'.
If the look in Tim's eyes was anything to go by. Tim wanted something he'd just discovered and he looked prepared to jump in head first after whatever it was, no matter the consequences. Gibbs would NOT sit idly by and watch something bad happen to that young man who seemed to be trying to figure out who he was, all over again, as if everything he'd know about himself had been stirred up and handed back to him all mixed up.
Gibbs had recognized the look because he'd been there before and had seen what it looked like as it stared back at him from the mirror every morning for about a month, many years ago, long before he'd ever come to grips with . He would do what he could do look out for Tim. Beyond, letting him know more often that his door was open, and watching him more closely, he wasn't sure what else he could do until Tim opened up to him. It was as Gibbs had explained to Ducky; all he could do was try.
With a tired sigh, he breathed out deeply, needing to gather his scattered thoughts once more.
He needed to keep his mind occupied with work; not on the personal introspection of what how a certain green-eyed, gentle soul came to be trying to process what it was Gibbs suspected he was dealing with or how it was taking such a toll on that certain young man. Still, the Team Leader would keep an eye on him and trespass into questioning him about it soon if things weren't looking any better for Tim soon. With a sigh of frustration, Gibbs forced his attention back onto his work.
*****NCIS*****
Tim had watched Tony and Ziva silently head out, looks of anticipated release and the chance to let go of it all, written all over their faces along with their exhaustion. He'd heard them talk about having dinner together, each wanting to eat out so they didn't have to bother cooking after the week they'd had. When they'd turned in his direction, obviously intending to invite him along, he'd offered them a tiny smile and shaken his head. No, he refused to be a third wheel and he'd been that for a long enough time now. Besides, he really wasn't fit for company tonight. His dreams had really been getting to him and he'd finally gotten fed up.
Tonight, was the night he intended on finding some way to give in to the experience for real that had been taunting him in his sleep.. It was way past time. He needed someone and right now, he wasn't feeling very choosy. Hell, at this point, he wasn't going to pass up any opportunity to look at what was out there.
By the time he reached his car, Tim had talked himself down into the calm he usually operated with. Tonight, he wasn't even fit enough company for himself to be alone with. He needed to get lost in a crowd somewhere, to become invisible and unwind at the same time.
He'd already figured out the only way to be alone while in the midst of a crowd after doing some research in a minute of spare time here and there. And while the real point to his quest was had been wrestled into submission for tonight, he still needed to find that escape tonight; even if it was for a completely different reason than the one he'd started out with. He'd already done some research, found a few places he wanted to check out. With a bone-weary sigh of frustration, Tim got in his car and drove off the yard, not even sure he was doing the right thing.
****NCIS****
Tony actually acted the gentleman and held the door to the restaurant open for Ziva, escorting her to their rather private booth, away from the bustle and hustle of the intensity of the tables closer to both the kitchen and the door. He and Ziva both needed to unwind and talk about anything other than work, yet at the moment, the only thing on his mind was his probie. Tim had been more quiet and stressed out this past week than he'd been in a very long time. Truth be told, Probie had been acting different for at least a month now, although he had no idea why the change had come about.
Coupled with the horrible cases from this week, Tim's withdrawn and almost defeated demeanor was why Tony had stopped going over the top with his teasing and hazing. It had all just been too much of an emotional rollercoaster to keep up with. He felt stretched to the limits of a rubber band about it all, but his concern for Tim was front and center on his mind.
Ziva was quiet, her mind stuck between concern for both her teammates and her own exhaustion and mental fatigue. It wasn't a good combination but having this quiet dinner with Tony, with no expectations was a good place to begin the decompression process for her. She'd been looking forward to it since Tony suggested it on the way back to the squad room this afternoon after they'd collared their dirtbag.
It was obvious that Tony had something on his mind, but Ziva needed to voice the question that had been on her mind since the silence from Tim during that car ride back to the office earlier. Now was as good a time as any, it seemed.
"Tony, do you think McGee is alright? We should have made him come with us, yes?"
"Nah, he's fine. He's probably already home, getting buried in one of his online games or sinking his brain into another one of those fiction writings he calls books." Tony threw out there offhandedly while his own worry for his little brother was twisting his gut.
Ziva wasn't fooled and at this point in the long and stressful week, she was in no mood for his glib attitude. "Tony, you do not believe that any more than I do. Even Gibbs has been watching McGee more closely in the last few days. He has had an unusual look in his eye this past week, yes? Something new is bothering him and I do not believe it has anything to do with the case."
"Yeah, I noticed. Look, Ziva. Tim'll be fine. He always is. Ever heard of the Timex watch; takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin'?" Tony offered with a grin he hoped would convince her to trust what he was saying and let it go. He wasn't prepared to discuss that look in Tim's eyes. Tony wasn't sure what was going on, but from what he could tell that look he'd seen meant only one thing and it wasn't going to end well for Probie.
"What does licking have to do with a ticking watch?" Ziva asked in clear confusion.
Tony shook his head in disbelief. "C'mon! You've been in this country for how long now and you haven't heard that once?"
"Nevermind. Tony, I really think we should call and check on him."
"Nah. Abby's probably already done that. I'm sure he's fine. The last thing he'd want is us making a big deal out of the week he's had, when it's been a rough one for all of us." Tony reminded her seriously.
"I realize that. However, that does not take away the fact that he has not been himself for some weeks now." She insisted. " I am concerned about him and you are as well."
"So, after dinner, we'll stop by his place and bring the dessert and the beer."
"Good idea." Ziva accepted as she settled back in her seat, now prepared to enjoy her meal.
***NCIS***
"Hey, Gibbs! Why are you still here?" Abby asked as she strolled through the squad room and stopped to put a note on Tim's desk.
"Question is, why are you, Abbs?" Gibbs asked in return while he stopped working and looked up at her.
"Oh, I was just finishing up getting my lab back in ship-shape condition after a tough week. My poor babies needed a good cleaning before they could rest.
"Yeah. And?"
"And, what?" she asked in confusion.
"Why are you up here instead of heading home?"
"Oh, right! Well, since you guys'll be here tomorrow and all and I can't seem to reach Tim on his cell, I thought I'd leave him a note telling him I'm still waiting for his answer about the concert I asked him to go to next weekend."
"Couple a things wrong with that scenario, Abbs." Gibbs offered with a smirk.
"What things?"
"Well, for starters, the team's off til Monday. And since this weekend's an off one for them, that means next weekend won't be."
"Oh. OH! Well, crap! That really bites, Tim knew I was counting on his going with me so I wouldn't have to go alone!" Abby whined.
"Abbs. I seem to recall this is a fairly routine thing with you; you strong-arming Tim into going to these concerts with you by threatening to kill him without leaving evidence. Don't you think it's time you stopped lording that over his head? Hasn't he jumped through enough hoops for you?" Gibbs asked patiently.
"Wow, Gibbs. Where's this coming from?" Abby asked in a mixture of hurt, awe and guilt.
The Team Leader looked at her sadly as he snapped his computer work station off and stood up, gearing up to leave for the night as he continued to look at his lab rat he favored so much. "It's been a rough week for all of us, Abbs. Don't want any of my team committing to anything right now except relaxing and getting caught up on their sleep. Takes time to regroup after a week like this one, Abbs. You know that."
"I know." She sighed sadly. "Okay, but the fact that it was a bad week for everyone doesn't explain why he's not answering his phone. Tim always answers his phone! Besides, he really needs to talk to someone and I know he'll talk to me. I mean he's clearly been upset about something for weeks now and I know my Tim, he's been holding it in for so long, he's ready to bust, he needs to talk about it so bad. And I wanna be there for him when he's ready to let it out."
"Abby. He's exhausted and needs time to unwind. We all do. Leave him alone for tonight. Try talkin' to him tomorrow." Gibbs instructed as his gut clenched at the news that his agent was so bothered by something he was keeping bottled up that Abby expected a problem.
"Alright. I'll leave him alone. But, just for tonight! I'll see you on Monday, Gibbs." She smiled as she turned to walk out.
"Wait. I'll walk you out." Gibbs snapped off his desk lamp and rounded his desk, letting her take his arm as he walked her to the elevator.
**NCIS**
The neon lights of the sign over the door caught his attention. For some unknown reason, the colors seemed to call to him, almost promising his overwrought brain the escape he was searching for. Parking his average looking, blue Ford Focus, in the lot, he found himself thinking for a brief moment, of day he bought this car, after trading his porshe in, no longer interested in the reckless feel of driving it or the less than stellar gas mileage it got. It was times like this that he found himself grateful that he'd made the trade. Stepping out of the car and locking it, his brain focused on sitting in a quiet corner of the joint and relaxing while falling off the grid.
Not ten minutes later, Tim had his drink, his quiet booth in the corner, three patrons drooling over him from afar and the guy behind the bar already fielding questions from interested parties as to who the gorgous guy in the back booth was and what he knew about him. Seeing the stranger he knew had never been here before begin to actually take an interest in the patrons that were filling up the place, the bartender warily frowned. It was gonna be a rough night.
***NCIS***
Tony and Ziva both frowned as their knocks on Tim's door went unanswered. Hell, his car wasn't even in the lot. Picking the lock, they went in secure the apartment, needing to know that nothing had happened to him. Both of them seemed to find the shocking new development into who their teammate was on the inside; at the same time.
"Tony, look! Why is Tim's typewriter covered by that thing? It has obviously been covering the machine for quite some time, judging by the layer of dust that has settled on it. And look at his computer! I thought you said he would be here getting lost in his computer games, Tony? Why does it look as though he does not use his computer very often? The screen is dusty and so is the rest of the monitor."
"Don't know, Ziva. Guess I was wrong about a few things. Come to think of it, where's McMutt?"
"I do not see anything that points to Tim having a dog, Tony."
"Me neither. Something's up and I don't like it."
"How could this much have changed in Tim's life and we not know of these changes?"
"Guess he's gotten really good at keeping his private life private." Tony muttered. "Look, he's got a laptop. That's new."
"Tony, I do not believe you have the right to be angry about any of this. You are the one who bothers Tim about his private life so much that he obviously feels he can no longer tell us anything about what is going on with him. And NO, we will NOT snoop through his laptop!. Do Not Touch it!"
"Fine! You don't wanna know what's going on with him. Got it! Tony muttered. "So much for us being friends, him and ..."
"I believe we only have ourselves to blame, Tony." Ziva insisted as she made her way the apartment door.
"Maybe. Makes me wonder what else he's hiding from us, though." Tony insisted as he joined her at the door.
"When he comes home, you can ask him. Until then, I suggest we fall back and wait until he returns." Ziva advised as she opened the door. "I believe he will appreciate it very much that we did not invade his privacy with the laptop."
Tony soon followed, feeling incredibly disappointed that he hadn't been able to get in to the computer and see what his probie was up to. He had a bad feeling and he wanted to be able to investigate. He hated being denied that opportunity.
It was really strange that Tim's Porshe wasn't in the lot, as late as it was. They'd really believed he was tucked up safe and sound in his apartment, losing the grip of the horrors from the cases within the Never-never lands of his games and writings. Knowing now that they'd been wrong; at least as far as they could tell, was unsettling to say the least. Now, neither of them wanted to go home until they knew their teammate was safe and sound; they'd agreed on that. It was gonna be a long night.
***NCIS***
Gibbs pulled into the parking lot, feeling the pull of the place stronger tonight than he he'd felt the pull of his bourbon or his basement in a long time. Ever since Jenny's death, he'd lost the taste for any sort of serious dalliance or even a look in that direction, coming here more and more frequently to unwind and escape. It was never about hooking up with anyone, choosing only to sit alone and enjoy the solitude and the escape of disappearing into the crowd. With his Marine tough glare and 'don't mess with me' demeanor, he was left alone and respected for keeping to himself and never sticking his nose in anyone else's business.
Entering the place now, he shared a nod of greeting with the bar tender and accepted his usual drink, taking it to his favorite out of the way booth, only to stop dead in his tracks and take a second look at the person already sitting there.
McGee?
