"You wanna talk about it?" he is standing in the doorway hours later. I am still on the floor. His eyes are red, his cheeks are ruddy. Mine feel swollen and gritty. I still find it in me somewhere to laugh a little.

"What about finally being on the other side of pissing my pants scared?" he winces and I wish I could take it back. I'm really beginning to hate those winces. My never ending memories flip back to, to many of them. "I'm sor"

His hand goes up and he stops me. "I know I know, I am too. I shouldn't have done that but I guess I have to say thank you."

Walking towards me and sinking down beside me I am left flapping my mouth a few times. "Huh?"

He laughs, I think it might be the first time I heard it really. I like it. "Yeah not really something I would think I would say either." he is rubbing his knuckles and I can see some bruising on them. "I guess it's just we"

"Yeah we are." I don't need him to finish, I know we are all messed up, we all have our shit. This is just his. Only one problem. "How much was my fault?"

There is us, the rain, the same music I have heard over and over again replaying from his playlist. Nothing for a long long time.

"I'm not really sure." his voice startles me, I thought we would sit here like this til we turned to stone. "I would say quite a bit or then again maybe none at all. I have no idea."

I snort at that one. I know all to well. "Gonna be the first to say I have no idea about a lot of shit."

Now I hear a snort from him. "Believe me you aren't the first to say it."

"Ouch, that hurts man." I try the overly dramatic grabbing of my chest. It doesn't get a laugh it gets a get over yourself look.

"He was the first guy I ever slept with, the only guy actually. We met at a function for one of my mom's charities. I was technically out but just in words only." I didn't dare speak, "He was kind, and took his time. He was an artist, very quiet and smart. He looked at the world in a way I always had when I read. He saw things in more of a rainbow of colors and contexts. 'Life is boring for to many people, I feel sad for them' he use to say. I got that. People always see black and white, most only see gray. I saw light and colors and angles. So did he. "

I could listen to him talk forever. I gave him no voice for to long and now I hope he never stops talking.