Erm... No, I haven't abandoned this story! So sorry for the tardy update. I'll try and make it up to you all by not making you wait too long for the next update...
This is from Christian's POV, the aftermath of SBM. So yeah, it's sad :(
~c~s~
I did this. I'm the one who made it happen. Oh God, I can't believe I did this…
I remember those to be my last coherent thoughts of the night. I thought them as I hid in what would soon be their bedroom, and tried not to listen. Tried so hard not to think, not to even be there.
By the time I finally managed to make my escape, I was angry. Angry at her, angry at Syed, but most of all, angry with myself. Because I'm the one to blame. Me. No one else but me.
I've made a fool of myself. I'd managed to convince myself that his love for me would be enough, that he wanted me enough, needed me enough. The knowledge that I was wrong, has pretty much destroyed me. There's nothing left. Nothing left of me but this little ball of misery, clutching at a cushion for comfort that it is unable to give.
I can't close my eyes. Every time I try, I imagine seeing them together. Why did I do this? What the fuck was I thinking? At the time, I told myself I was trying to help. Amira was so upset, and this isn't fair on her, I know that. So I tried to help.
But honestly? Somewhere deep down, I'd convinced myself that it wouldn't work. That he'd see through it all, see me through it all. God how wrong I was…
I spend the night and following day in miserable loneliness. Though not really alone, since Lucy comes to check on me several times.
'Come on Christian, he's so not worth getting this upset over. It'll be alright, you'll see,' she says, bringing me yet another cup of tea.
'I know,' I assure her, even though I don't mean it. But she's been amazing these last couple of days, and I really do appreciate it. I try and give her a grateful smile and must have succeeded a little bit ay least as she smiles back at me.
So far, she's got me to get some sleep, have something to eat, to drink and this morning I even took a shower. Honestly, I think I'm finished wallowing now. It's no use. And it's not as if it's anything new either. He's married. He's not mine. He never will be. I know that. I'll get over it. I will.
'Shouldn't you be at school?' I ask suddenly.
Lucy shrugs her shoulders.
'Who cares?' she says.
'Lucy…'
I give her my best stern Uncle Christian stare. She grins and says: 'School ended over thirty minutes ago. Time sure flies when you're feeling miserable, doesn't it?'
She leaves an hour later, but only after I've promised her I'll be ok for the night. I allow myself a couple of minutes to sit on the sofa and feel miserable before I grab my sports bag and head for the gym.
~c~s~
Run. Run. Run.
The words are like a mantra, droning on and on in my head, effectively drowning out all other thoughts. I'm on the treadmill, have been for almost twenty minutes. This was a great idea, the running soothes me, calms me, empties my head. It has the same effect on me as a night clubbing does, but since I'm in no mood for that right now, running it is.
Run. Run. Run.
I run with my eyes closed, only opening them every minute or so to check on my heart rate and the number of miles I've run. I feel exhilarated. My heart is pounding, I can feel it, but I can't hear it. The loud music coming from my IPod stops me from hearing anything else. Then suddenly the seemingly endless string of similar sounding techno dance music is interrupted and I hear the achingly familiar intro of the one song I can't possibly handle right now. I almost lose my balance and catch myself to prevent me from falling only just in time. I frantically scramble for my IPod and curse at it as it won't skip the song quick enough.
"When the night, has come. And the land is dark. And the moon, is the only…"
Oh thank God for that. I hadn't realised I'd stopped breathing the minute the song started. I remember Sy putting this song on here. I'll have to delete it at some point. Furiously, I stab at the buttons on the treadmill, upping the pace until I can barely keep up. The loud music from another one of those thumping beats is oddly soothing to my nerves.
Within seconds I'm panting heavily and sweating profusely. I grab my bottle of water and rehydrate, making sure I don't pass out before I get this out of my system. For now. Get this out of my system for now. I'm not an idiot, I realise this is no permanent fix. But it'll get me through the night and that is enough for now.
Run. Run. Run.
I'm not alone in this gym, but I might as well be. Rob tried to chat me up earlier, just like he always does, but tonight I couldn't even bring myself to respond. He's alright, and we both know our banter isn't anything serious really. He's practically engaged for fuck's sake. Shit. I'll have to apologise. Tomorrow.
Run. Run. Run.
I'm not thinking about him. I'm not. My eyes fly open and I watch myself running, my image reflected back to me by the mirrored wall in front of me. Liar. But it doesn't matter. Because when I'm running like this, I can handle anything. I can practically feel myself getting stronger. I'll survive, just like I always do. I flash myself a wry smile, and somehow, that makes me feel a bit better.
It's after ten when I make my way back home. I've not taken a shower yet, I'll do that when I get home. For now, I like the feeling of the sweat, cooling down my overheated skin. The music is still pounding in my ears, I haven't taken the earplugs out yet. I chose to stay alone in my world, ignoring everybody and everything around me.
When I enter my flat, I walk straight to the bathroom and get the shower running. I pull my black vest over my head, almost making the forgotten IPod fly across the room. I save it just in time, kick off my trainers, get rid of sweatpants and pants and step under the scolding hot stream of water. I hiss and adjust the water to a more tolerable temperature.
Good. This is good. My body feels tired and a bit achy, but it's not a bad feeling. I think I might be able to sleep tonight. And tomorrow, I'm done. I'm going to go over to that fucking flat and work on it until it's finished. After that, I can go on with my life. I'm not fooling myself. I know I'm nowhere near over him, but I'll get there. I'll make sure I do.
~c~s~
In the morning, I don't give myself time to think about it. I get to the flat, bright and early, ready to get some work done. I try not to think of the possibility that they're still here. I don't think I could handle seeing them right now, not after…
I breathe a sigh of relief as I see the flat is empty. Alright. Alright, I think I'll be ok now. I'll work on the bedroom today. I quickly cross to the bedroom, open the door and step in.
It's literally like the breathe has been kicked out of me. Fuck. What the fuck has she done?
Straight away I know it's Lucy. Only one person would be so stupid, so brazen, so… wonderful as to do this. Syed loves Christian. It's staring me in the face, in bold pink lettering. I allow myself one moment to think of my wicked niece fondly, but then I snap out of it. This is not ok. This is so not ok. I want Amira to know, of course I do. But not like this, never like this…
The day quickly turns into a nightmare. Before I know it, I'm chasing an evasive Lucy, who's somehow managed to get rid of the last roll of wallpaper, the one I'll need to cover up the big, blaring pink heart adorning Syed and Amira's future bedroom wall. As if that thought alone isn't depressing enough, I'm also avoiding Amira, who's decided that now's the perfect time to show some interest in the work I've been doing, demands to see the bedroom, something I obviously can't let her see.
In the end, I manage to dodge her, find both Lucy and the missing wallpaper, and can finally make a start on covering the graffiti. I've even roped Lucy into helping me and I'm hopeful we can sort this mess out before anyone else needs to find out.
I've only just started putting on the first strip of wallpaper when it happens.
'What's this?'
The words are spoken quietly, like he's in shock. Syed. He's walked in without me noticing. I can't believe it. I fucking well can't believe it. How on earth am I going to talk myself out of this one?
'It's a pink graffiti heart. You know, it's the next generation's way of expressing their inner feelings. It's a piece of art really,' Lucy comments coolly.
She obviously has no problem finding the words she wants to say. I want to kick her and hug her at the same time.
Syed just stands there, like he's frozen on the spot. He hasn't moved, or spoken, or I think even breathed, since he set foot into this room.
Eventually, I take pity on him.
'Look, relax Sy. It isn't as bad as it looks,' I say in what I hope is a calm, soothing voice. I hold up the strip of wallpaper and continue: 'See? We'll have it covered up in no time at all'.
My words seem to snap him into action. He stalks over to the table and starts administering large quantities of glue to the next strip of wallpaper. Without comment, I turn back to the wall and finish putting up the first strip. Ridiculous as it is, my heart aches a little as the first part of the heart is hidden with wallpaper.
We work in silence for a bit. That is, me and Sy work while Lucy is being her unhelpful self, apparently deciding that her job is keeping up the wall by leaning against it.
'Just get it covered,' he says, breaking the silence.
'What do you think I'm doing?' I bite back.
'Look, Amira said she was calling by on her way to work. What if she's already seen it?' he asks, sounding understandably anxious. Or I would understand, if I wasn't so bloody done with this…
'Well she didn't alright, because I got here first,' I assure him anyway.
'Awww, that's a shame,' Lucy butts in. That girl is seriously doing my head in…
'What, you two came up with this together did you?' Syed accuses.
'Dose of the truth a bit hard to take?' she gives right back.
God she has a vicious tongue on her. I ignore the fact that she's pretty much saying exactly what I'd like to say myself.
'Lucy, would you just…' I start quietly, trying to be the voice of reason here.
'Look whatever,' she interrupts me, 'he's got it coming to him one way or another'.
With a glare at Syed, she walks out, leaving us alone.
It doesn't take him long to start blabbering on about how happy he is with Amira, and how I can't stand that. How she knows him like no one else does. Yeah right. I'm this close to blurting out the truth, tell him exactly how it is that he was finally able to take his wife to bed. But there's no need to rattle him, the sound of Amira entering the flat does that just fine. And of course, the heart is nowhere near fully covered. It's like the words are screaming at us, taunting us with their truth and a childish part of me wants to point at it and say "See? See, you do love me. I know you do, You know it, Lucy knows it, and soon Amira will know it too!"
But of course I don't. I sigh as I hear Syed trying to stop Amira from entering the room. I look at the pink words wistfully one more time, and then I go and help him. I'm not sure why. But I decide now's not the time to think about that…
~c~s~
Next up: sofa kiss, yay! Can't wait to get my teeth into that one!
Reviews still very much appreciated (also I'll take it as encouragement for a speedy update)!
