As I contemplate all the shit that has gone down, staring at my blood shot, red eyes I do what I never thought I would. I smile at myself in the mirror. I look like shit, I look worn out and broken down and I smile. I am in the bathroom just off his hall way, I left him sitting on the floor no longer smiling but I am still smiling.

I fear I know the reason the dimple disappeared but I know I won't be that asshole when I return. Only problem, how the fuck do I go out there in three day old clothes, scruffy chin, and face that looks like it has been on a weeks long bender and give him any kind of, yup we are good?

Breathe in breathe out, breathe in breathe out... The shakes return for a minute or two. Then my light. A tap at the door.

"I have some sweats and shirts in the cubby if you want a shower." His voice is shaky but strong. "I um, well they may be big but they are all draw string and."

"Got 'em" I smile at the awkward and try not to let the flutters in my stomach get above a twitch. There is no more sound outside the door and I worry about what is going on in his head.

Stepping under the hot spray I take a minute to enjoy the pulsing rejuvenation that is clean. One thing I had always loved was the feeling of a hot shower.

As I slide the soap again and again through my fingers I focus on my hand and fingers. The one his had been in. I focus trying to figure out why such simple things can spark so much. It used to be I had to put a shit ton of bad things into my body to get the feeling. What the hell was I missing? A few minutes of skin on skin, not even any naughty bits of skin, gave me a greater high then I had ever had.

"Then you went and fucked it up." I get to the business of washing and try to figure out the best way to approach it all when I leave the room.

I really need an audio filter too while I'm at it. I finish to caught up in my own thoughts to notice talking on the other side of the door. It is mumbled and low but I can pick out a few words here and there. It's a chant, no a song, 'today is history, tomorrow is a mystery"

So out of tune, so sweet, so scary.