The sun on her face wasn't the reason she was awake but the feeling of his lips against her skin as he placed soft kisses along her spine. When they were married, he used to do that every morning after they had sex and, apparently, old habits die hard. She enjoyed knowing he still loved her, still cared about her, even after all the pain she had put him through. The previous night had been a demonstration of that. Once he came back from checking in on Regina, they had sex on the bed and fell asleep in each other's arms. There was where she belonged and she hoped they would never sleep away from each other again.
"Good morning, Hank." She whispered as she tossed around to face him.
"Good morning, Benson." He kissed her lips softly unable to believe he had slept next to her in what used to be their bedroom, on what used to be their bed. "How did you sleep?"
"Never better and you?"
"Best sleep I've had in years."
"Even in Maggie's arms?" Olivia bit her tongue wishing she had never said that.
"You are never letting that go, aren't you?"
"Sorry."
"Maggie never spent the night and I never stayed over at her house."
"Really?"
"You are the only woman I want to sleep next to, Benson." He moved the hair from her face and looked into her eyes. "Maggie is my friend. We both wanted to fuck so we did. Didn't mean anything to me."
"Okay, I believe you."
"What about your boy toy Amaro? What was the deal?"
"He isn't my boy toy. Like I said, we dated on and off for a year. We were both lonely so we did it. But he is my friend and my partner and that's what connects me to him now." She whispered in his ear, "you always fucked me better."
"That's what I like to hear." Voight chuckled as he sat down on the bed.
He would never tell her but he was content knowing she hadn't always been alone. He knew Olivia and, yes, she was a strong woman but she was always surrounded by darkness. Voight had been there in the moments she broke down and after the divorce he was afraid she would bottle up her feelings. That's why knowing Amaro had been around put his mind at rest…even if he was still jealous. He couldn't help the jealousy, it was part of who he was, and, at one point in their life, it had proven to be right. Now, he just wished history wouldn't repeat itself.
"You are beautiful," he said as he watched her get dressed.
"Stop it." She leaned over the bed and kissed him. "I'll be in court testifying all day."
"I'll be waiting with a glass of wine."
"And you'll stay with Regina, right?"
"Benson, that goes without saying."
"I just worry. I don't want to be away from her."
"I know but there's a woman who needs you today. So, while you are there focus on her and try to forget about Regina. I'm her father, I will take care of her."
"You are right. She's in good hands."
"Yes, I have good hands."
"Oh, don't I know?" A small smirk appeared on her face. "Maybe those hands can help me relax when I get home tonight."
"Maybe. We'll see what we can do."
"I love you, Henry Voight."
"And I love you, Olivia Benson."
She didn't want to be away from Regina, not even for a few hours. Every moment with her daughter was precious; a moment she would never get back and she would never forget. But Hank was right. He was going to take care of their daughter and, after all, they did need a father-daughter day. And she needed to focus on the trial. She was always so dedicated to the survivors and she wouldn't let that day be any different. She would testify with the truth and do her best to bring justice. Afterwards, she could spend the night with her daughter and the man she loved.
"I heard he is in town," Barba said as they met outside the courtroom. "I do hope that won't interfere when you testify."
"When have I ever let my personal life affect my work?"
"Let's see. Maybe, just maybe, when you fucked Cassidy and cheated on him?"
"That was low, Barba."
"Then you shouldn't have asked."
"Yeah, I will remember next time."
"Is he here for Regina?" Barba was the only one she had confided in about her daughter's illness.
"He is."
"And you have already slept with him, haven't you?"
"Twice, if you must know."
"You were always weak for that deep raspy voice."
She had known Barba for years and so had Voight. Barba had been the one to stop her from drunk texting Hank during the first months of the divorce. He held her as she cried and listened as she repeatedly blamed herself. He had been the one to hold her hair back as she threw up the mixture of wine and pills that night. He was her best friend and had always taken care of her. That was why she had called him crying after she found out Regina was dying. She wanted to call Voight but she hadn't been able to do so. Barba was her second option, the other man she trusted the most.
"Dad, can I ask you something?" Regina looked at him over the lunch table.
"Go ahead, kid."
"Were you mad at mom for cheating?"
"No, I wasn't mad. I was hurt. Hurt she made that choice and didn't think how that would affect us. But I blamed myself; maybe I should have been a better husband."
"Have you forgiven her?"
"I have but I haven't forgotten."
"And what does that mean?"
"You are too young to understand."
"I am but I won't get the chance to grow up and understand."
"Okay." Hank took a deep breath before he continued to speak. "I have forgiven her for what she did because I know she regrets it and, in the end, she never meant to hurt me. But I can't forget what happened. I can't forget she slept with him. I can't forget the pain I felt. I can't forget the betrayal."
"And still you love her."
"With all my heart."
"I remember when she told me. I had spent the night before at a friend's house and came home to find her crying on the couch. It didn't surprise me, because she spent the entire first year like that, but something had changed; I could see it in her eyes. That's when she told me."
"How did you feel?"
"Betrayed. To be honest, I felt like she had cheated on me and in a way she did. She cheated me out of my family and you out of my life. I spent a month not talking to her until I realized she had hurt herself more than me. That's when I forgave her."
"I'm sorry you had to go through that."
"I'm not. Now I see that it was my destiny all along. It was life's way of showing me things I'll never get the chance to learn otherwise."
"Well, life is a fucker," Hank thought to himself. Life had a funny way of teaching them. A funny way of showing him his way back home. It was as if life had given him the perfect wife, daughter and family to take it away from him. And five years later, it was knocking on his door telling him to go home but only because it would kill his daughter. Life was a fucker and Voight was experiencing it from the first row. He would tell the fucker to go suck it if he could. He would take Regina's place if he could. But life never gave you a choice. You had to play the game by its rules.
"I'm ready to die now."
"Regina, don't say that."
"But it's true. Look," she said as she sat up straight and placed her hands on the table like Olivia always did, "I have no other option; there is no cure. So I might as well accept it, right? The first ten years of my life were the happiest. I had the best parents and we were an amazingly happy family. The last five may not have been too great but they were still good. I got to know mom and you separately and understood you. And now, you are back. That was all I ever wanted."
"Spoken like a wise person."
"Or a dying one."
"I hope you know both your mother and I are absolutely proud of you."
"And I am proud of both of you."
It was in that moment when Hank Voight accepted his daughter was going to die. There was nothing he could do to stop that from happening and he knew all he had left to do was make peace with it. Would it hurt? More than anything he had ever gone through. He was thankful with the time he had gotten with Regina. She had taught him so much; how to be a father, a better man, a better person, but above all, how to cherish life. She was the best thing to ever happen to him and he would never be able to forget her. Never be able to stop loving her. Never be able to stop mourning her loss. Regina would always be his daughter and he would never stop being her father. That was something the cancer, her death, wouldn't be able to take away from him.
[almost fifteen years ago]
"You are here again," Olivia whispered in his ear as she wrapped her arms around his waist from behind. "You do know she's not going anywhere, don't you?"
"But she's growing up so fast." Every night, since Regina started sleeping in her crib, Hank would find himself in her bedroom. He wanted to enjoy every minute because he knew time would go by and things would never be as they were in that exact moment.
"Hank, she's six months old. She literally has all her life ahead."
"I know that but this moment will never repeat itself."
"It has been repeating itself for the last month."
But Olivia knew what he meant and she loved him more for it. From the day Regina was born, Hank had dedicated his life to her. He cut hours at work so the baby wouldn't spend too much time with a sitter. He had accepted Benson wouldn't do it –it wasn't in her blood– and was happy to do it. Voight had never judged her parenting skills, not even when she doubted herself. He encouraged her by reminding her what a great mother she was. They both knew Olivia needed her job as much as she needed to be a mom and that's how their life had been organized. Regina was the only child they would have so they could fulfill their dreams and still be good parents.
"It doesn't repeat itself." He turned around to face her. "Every night she is different. She grows. She starts showing signs of her personality. She becomes her own person. And, every night, I love her more and more."
"She is so lucky to have you, Henry."
"I don't know. I wouldn't want me as a father."
"Are you crazy?" She cupped his face between her hands. "You are the most amazing father. You are devoted to her. Your life is in her hands and you love it. I know you will protect her for the rest of her life. I didn't have a father," Olivia said with tears in her eyes, "but if I had, I wish he would have been like you."
"Any man would have been lucky to be your father, Benson." He kissed her before whispering against her lips, "I can be your daddy."
"Voight," she bit his lower lip.
[present time]
"I didn't hear you come in," Hank kissed the back of her neck as he pulled her into him. She had her hair up in a ponytail, was wearing her glasses and she had already unbuttoned a couple of buttons on her shirt.
"I got here two minutes ago. I wanted to see her, even if she's sleeping."
"How was court?"
"Hell, as usual. We are waiting on the verdict. Barba did well so I hope they don't take too long."
"Barba always does good…but don't tell him I said that."
"I won't," she said with a chuckle. "How was she?"
"Good. She gets tired too easily so we just stayed home talking and watching movies."
"May I know what you talked about?"
"You, life, death. A little bit of everything."
Olivia turned around and he could see the sadness in her eyes. "I can't believe she is dying, Hank. Seems like yesterday you would watch her sleep and I said she wouldn't go anywhere. What a fool I was."
"We could have never imagine this would happen."
"I should have cut down my hours. Should have spent more time with her. Should have been a better mother."
"Benson, don't. You did what you had and needed to do. Cutting down hours or not doesn't represent who you are as a mother. You have always been here for her, taking care of her, teaching her, loving her. No secrets exist between Regina and you. I think that shows how much you mean to her."
"I wouldn't have been able to do it without your support."
"You did it without me for five years. Give yourself some credit, Olivia."
She wasn't like Hank; she could never accept Regina was dying. For her, this time had brought fear and regret. Fear she wouldn't get over her daughter's death and could never learn to live without her. Regret of haven't been a good mother. No matter what Voight or anyone else said, Olivia didn't think she was a good mom. She hated herself for not having been there every step of the way. For doing things that had hurt her daughter.
Hank could read her thoughts in the way she looked. "Come on," he said as he unbuttoned the rest of her shirt, "let's get you moaning. Put your mind in blank for a little while."
