AN: So, I've finally managed to finish this chapter. Apparently I haven't got any emails with your reviews, which is why I have been so silent. I though this story was dead, but still slowly kept writing should anyone be reading. I will read your reviews as soon as possible, but I will give you this chapter first. Thank you all so much, I hope you will enjoy it.

.oOo.

The call came on a Wednesday, four days after Christmas. Severus had known it would come soon enough, but he couldn't help the growing worry in his stomach as he stood from the dinner table. The last few days had helped stabilize his psyche somewhat, but the whole situation with Lupin still unnerved him. The man knew far more than he was supposed to. At the same time Severus could not regret his outburst, not that he hadn't tried.

When the burning started Severus had made sure not to let anything show on his features, but maybe his face had been to blank. The look Remus gave him said he knew what was about to happen, and it was disturbing that someone could read him that easily.

A whispered "be careful, come back" reached Severus ear's as he passed into the living room, but he couldn't bear turning around and risk meeting a worried gaze.

"I will try," he said instead. "I promise." To his great surprise he found himself meaning it. He was always careful, but for some reason there was a difference this time. Maybe having someone know where he was going was affecting more than he had realised, but Severus wanted to make it back. He wanted to spare Lupin the trouble of worrying for him.

As the portkey whisked him back to Hogwarts he couldn't help but wonder why he would even trick himself into thinking Remus would worry. The man just needed his potions. But there had been something in the whispering voice that had been so sincere Severus couldn't help but believe it.

Putting aside his regular clothes Severus carefully took the time to strip his thoughts as well, and when the Death Eater robes came on, so did his darker persona. When he finally reached the apparition point he was ready for what the evening might bring.

.oOo.

The time was closing in on three o'clock when Severus was finally able to raise his wand and cast the looking spells on his door at Hogwarts. A voice in the back of his head told him he had once read that this was the hour when humans were at their weakest, that between three and four o'clock most deaths happened at the hospitals. At least he needn't worry about that at the moment, no one involved tonight had been old or strong enough to defend themselves and he was physically as fit as he had been when he left.

Taking a deep stabilizing breath he sat down at his desk to write a report to Dumbledore. The night had begun with a meeting between him and the Dark Lord concerning Lupin. The plan seemed to be going along fine, and Dumbledore was burning out contacts with the speed of an express train to be able to save the werewolf. Severus had grudgingly admitted that it might be best to keep Lupin alive, mainly to stimulate doubt about the staff kept by Dumbledore. Whether Lupin was found guilty or not it would still cast a shadow on the great man when he kept the werewolf around.

The fact that Severus had been hoping for that exact decision had luckily enough passed the Dark Lord by unnoticed, and Remus would be allowed to live another day. Merlin knew what the spy would have done had it been decided that they had no use for the werewolf alive. Killing him no longer seemed like an alternative, but disobeying a direct order would only result in his own death.

There was one part of the meeting that Snape didn't retell though. He figured that the headmaster already knew that a larger gathering had followed right after the private one. A meeting called together solely for amusement, and for the cause of scaring the masses from opposing them.

For all Dumbledore knew Severus could have left before that part, he wished he had. Just thinking about what had transpired made him nauseous, his stomach twisting together in cramps, and his breathing getting hitched.

Forcefully wrenching his thoughts away from that direction Severus raised a shaking hand to rub his forehead before he finished off the official report and closed the magical drawer. He wanted to go to sleep, to just down a full dose of Dreamless Sleep and deal with his latest sins tomorrow, but he needed to go to the safe house. The promise he had given Lupin still rung in his head, and he would come back even if the man was probably asleep by now.

Severus really didn't want to meet anyone at the moment, least of all Lupin who would probably take one look at him with those piercing eyes and understand way too much. At the same time he was curious as to whether someone was actually prepared to sit awake all night waiting for him, if anyone was that stupid.

Standing in front of the fireplace for a few minutes Severus was thinking about whether this was really wise. He felt brittle, close to breaking, and he was frightened what might happen should the other man be awake. At the same time the loneliness of his own quarters was suffocating. Deciding that Lupin would be asleep Severus grabbed the elephant. He would just check in on Lupin for a second before getting his eagerly awaited Dreamless Sleep, it would all feel easier tomorrow.

.oOo.

Remus' worry had been increasing as he watched the hands on his clock slowly ticking away into night and then early morning. He couldn't help but wonder if he had seen the spy for the last time, and wished he would have said more, done more for the man.

He had tried reading for a while after doing the dishes, but he couldn't concentrate. The TV showed nothing but ridiculous game shows which seemed woefully inappropriate, so he had been stuck with his thought and the slowly moving clock. For his inner eye he had been seeing what might be happening to Severus right that moment, but he could not make the thoughts stop. A short while he had been scared that there would be a repeat of last time he confronted the man after a meeting, but even the potential risk to his own health couldn't convince him to go to bed.

A split second of tingling air was all warning he got, before the port key arrived, leaving a worse for wear looking spy standing in the middle of the room. Remus only got a quick glimpse of Severus face before the man looked away, but the haunted eyes he had seen would probably stay with him for a long time.

Standing up from the light pink armchair Remus crossed the flowery carpet, closing in on the man. He stood in front of him for a few seconds taking him in. The robes weren't the ones he normally wore, but instead the kind that most people only saw in their nightmares. They looked impeccable, not a wrinkle to disrupt the sinister cut, but they couldn't hide the slumped shoulders of the man wearing them, nor the slight twitching of his left hand. Severus had allowed a curtain of greasy hair to hide his turned down face and Lupin was trying to figure out how to handle this.

"I'm going to bed." The voice that floated out from behind the hair sounded as brittle as the finest glass.

"Severus..." Remus stretched out his hand and gently took the arm of the leaving man. He froze completely.

"Please, just let me go. Don't touch me, please." The voice was close to pleading, yet Remus couldn't see him leaving like this. Maybe it was stupid, and something he would come to regret but he at least wanted to know if the other man had suffered any injuries. Severus was not a man who begged for things, which on its own was an enormous reason to respect his wish. But it was also a clear sign something was very wrong, and Remus didn't want to find him dead in the morning.

"Why? Are you hurt? Please, let me help you." He moved around so he stood in between Severus and the door, not really intending to stop him again, but more as a demonstration.

"Don't." Severus backed away until he was out of reach.

"I just need to know if you're hurt, please." Carefully Remus moved forward and stretched out a hand towards the other man, but he retreated even further. Remus moved with him but didn't reach out again.

"I'm not, okay? I just want to sleep." The normally so composed man seemed close to panicking, his words hissed out through gritted teeth.

"Okay, fine. Let me help you." Remus knew he might be pushing it but he put another hand on Severus lower arm and nearly let go as an unintentional magical jolt went through his body. "Why can't I touch you?" Remus was close to pleading himself now, he just wished so bad the man would allow him to help.

"You don't know what I've done." The answer was whispered so low Remus nearly missed it.

"I don't care what you've done." Lupin found he truly meant it, no matter what had happened tonight he still wished to help the man in front of him.

"I'll destroy you. I'm so dirty and you're still clean. Please, for your own sake, leave me alone before I infect you with my darkness." Severus seemed to shrink in front of him.

"You will not destroy me. Do you hear that? You are every bit as good as me, if not more. You cannot infect me with anything, I promise. I'm here now, and I won't leave." Severus shook his head and tried to get away but Remus refused to let him. Instead he grabbed his other arm tightly.

"You will not harm me Severus," he whispered to the frantic man but he couldn't tell if the words got through. "It's okay."

"There were kids, lots of them. A whole orphanage and none was left alive. The children, the staff, and we didn't just kill them, we played with them first. I played with them first, and I enjoyed it. I had to enjoy it!"

Remus didn't know what to say, where to begin. Instead he managed to catch Severus eyes for the first time since he arrived and the look in them took his breath away with its desperation. Acting on impulse Remus stepped up close to the potions master and wrapped both his arms around him. The man flailed and tossed trying to get away but Remus refused to let go.

"It's okay" he whispered again and again, and soon enough the flailing subsided. In its place tremors broke in, that quickly turned into full out sobs. Severus' legs gave out under him and to Remus great surprise he felt hands gripping his clothing tightly to prevent a fall.

"I'm still here," Remus whispered. "I'm not leaving." He half dragged, half carried Severus over to the sofa and sat down, still holding him tightly.

If Remus had thought that the man couldn't possibly cry harder he was quickly proven wrong. He was almost scared that Severus would suffocate. A stream of tears was seeking its way down Lupin's neck and slowly soaked his collar. It felt surreal.

"Shh, it's okay. I'm here." Not knowing what else to say Remus kept repeating his whispered mantra. He somehow had the feeling that being there for Severus in this moment might prove to be one of the most important things he'd done in his whole life. This was a man who had taken on more weight than he could possibly be expected to carry, yet didn't break because he'd never been able to. There had never been anyone there to help him pick up the pieces.

When his body began aching to much from the awkward position Remus laid down, all the while with Severus held tightly to him. He knew what it would look like to any spectators, the two of them in such a position together, but there where no one else around. Not that he would have cared much anyway. He knew it was not like that, and if people wanted to see it otherwise it was their problem.

Remus lost track of time as he laid there, gently rubbing circles on the back of his childhood enemy. Not until the sky outside grew lighter, marking the beginning of a new day, did the crying finally slow down.

.oOo.

Severus detachedly noticed it was morning, at least if the dim sunlight filtering in through the living room windows was anything to go by. He felt strangely empty, resting with his head on Remus's chest, strong arms still holding him. He could hear Lupin's heartbeat, feel his body move with every breath.

It was hard to believe what had transpired, how he could be laying like this. He could remember the pain, the desperation, how Lupin wouldn't go away, and the shattering feeling of losing control. After that it was all foggy but some details were razor sharp. How he had clung to the man's robes, the whispered words, and then even more excruciating pain.

The Crutiatus was nothing compared to what he had felt then, it was a soul deep acutely aching pain clawing at his insides. Being so close to someone had at the same time helped and made it worse. The only thing he had been able to do was cling ever tighter to Remus and let it loose. He had let the darkness ravish his body, but he had also managed to expel it. It felt as if the tears had washed him clean. He normally would have felt extremely ashamed after such a display, but at the moment he couldn't even bring himself to feel that. Instead he felt calmer than he had in days, years even.

Thinking back at the last few days Severus could see that last night had really been the culmination of the chaos inside him. He had been so confused and unnerved by his last stint back into his darker self, by his unplanned confessions to Lupin, and by the man's reaction to them. Not until now could he see how close he had been to breaking, and in a way he was grateful he hadn't known it last night. If he had understood the extent of it all back then he would never had come back to meet Lupin.

Risking a glance upwards he saw that Remus was looking at him, but this time Severus met his gaze straight on. He tried to figure out what the other man was thinking about it all, if he was disgusted, but it was impossible to know.

Severus knew he had taken a great risk, trusting the werewolf. If this was to get out his life would be over, and he did mean that literally. There weren't room for him to be weak, no matter what Remus might say. In his line of work the weak would only die. Yet despite of that, despite what might happen now, he realised he did not regret coming back to the safe house. In the end the comfort he had felt tonight, the feeling of someone being there for him when he was in need, that was worth dying for.

"You must be tired" Lupin broke the silence that had rested between them for some time. Severus merely nodded. "Do you want me to help you upstairs?"

Severus knew he should say yes, or even better just rise and walk the stairs on his own, but he couldn't. The thought of being left alone felt like a gaping dark pit in his stomach, he needed Remus' warm presence to keep the thoughts at bay. Before he could analyse the possible consequences of his action he put his head back on Remus chest and closed his eyes. He didn't want to see the rejection on the other's face as he shook his head.

"Please, don't leave me alone." He had not meant for it to come out sounding quite so needy, he didn't want to need anyone.

"It's okay. I'm here." Remus whispered response and tightened hold took him by surprise, so surely had he known he would be ridiculed.

If his breathing once more got a bit shaky, and a few more tears stained Lupin's clothes, the other man didn't seem to notice. Soon enough Severus calmed down again, and sleep came not long after.