He took her nipple between his lips nibbling it as her body arched underneath him. Her mind was definitely blank when a moan escaped her lips, his body slamming against hers, his hands squeezing her ass, him hitting her core harder each time. The sweat that had formed between their bodies made his skin stick to hers as he thrusted his hips harder. The feeling of her walls tightening around him encouraging him to keep going, deeper and faster. Hank kept his mouth on her breast as his hand roamed from her ass to the front of her body. He pressed his thumb hard against her wet clit and moving it around in circles made Olivia's body leave the mattress one more time with a groan. That was her weakness and he knew it; Benson went crazy every time he caressed her clit. It didn't take long after that. He felt her legs go weak around his waist, her breathing speeding, moans leaving her lips more frequently, her body trembling as the orgasm hit her, the weight of their bodies heavily falling against the bed as they both came.
For a moment, none of them spoke. Olivia's mind wasn't in blank anymore and so many thoughts kept appearing. What did all of this mean? Were they getting back together? Would he move back from Chicago? Was this only happening because Regina wanted them together? He had said he loved her, but, did he truly mean it? Was he willing to change his life to be back with her? So many questions she had no answers for. She loved Hank Voight –she had never stopped loving him– but she was afraid the sex, his love, him staying around, was only happening because of the situation they were going through.
"I sure hope your moans didn't wake Regina up." He said bringing her back to reality.
"We would have to place the blame on you."
"Me? But I did nothing."
"If that was nothing, I can't imagine what would happen to me if you did something." She laughed as she curled her body next to his.
"We were married for ten years, I think you can imagine."
"But, let me tell you, the sex has only gotten better with age."
"We are not that old, Benson."
"We are more experienced."
"Oh, yeah. I have Cassidy and the Latin lover to thank." She smacked his chest before he was done talking. "What? Was there someone else?"
"No, I've spent more than half of our divorced being a nun."
"Olivia Benson a nun. Hard to believe after what we just did."
"Well, you better believe it." Olivia sat on the bed hugging her naked legs against her chest. "What about you? Was it only Maggie?"
He looked over at her and kissed her thigh. "Do you really want to know?
"No, but I have to. I need to know what happened in these five years. Just lay it on me."
"There were two other women."
"Do I know them?"
"No, I didn't even know them. You may not believe it but I was a mess the first year and…well, drunk nights led to those two."
"So, strangers?" She saw him nod. "But ever since then you've been sleeping with Maggie, right?"
"Olivia, we don't have to do this."
"Please."
"Yes, I've been sleeping with her on and off."
"Did you fuck her before you came here?"
Voight didn't want to keep talking about it. Him and Maggie had something…he couldn't call it special but it was something. They had sex quite often but they never slept over. They shared dinners and long talks. She was his best friend and the one who had helped him get back on track after the divorce. She picked him up from bars late at night when he was so drunk he couldn't stand. She had been the one to listen to him profess his love for Olivia over and over again. Maggie had been to him what Barba had been to Benson…with added sex.
"Yes, two days before I flew out here. But," he sat on the bed in front of her and looked into her eyes, "in my defense, I didn't know this was going to happen. I didn't know we would fall back into each other. I didn't know how strong our love still was."
"Do you truly love me still?"
"You shouldn't have to ask." He leaned forward and kissed her lips in the gentlest way. "I've loved you since the first night we went out for drinks. I've never stopped loving you. I will never stop loving you."
"So," she lowered her voice afraid of what she would ask next, "what will happen once Regina is gone?"
"Are you asking me if I will stay?"
"Yes, will you?"
"I won't leave you, Olivia. I'm back and I'm staying. We were never meant to be apart."
"What about your life in Chicago?"
"Regina and you are my life. I will sadly lose one; I don't want to lose both."
"You never will."
At least in that moment, her fears were pushed away. She had heard him say the right words. He loved her. He was staying with her. Olivia wished they had recognized the strength of their love before it was too late. As she threw his shirt over her head and made her way to Regina's bedroom, she asked herself why she had waited for a tragedy to let him know she still loved him. She thought about all the pain, the fights, the disagreements, they could have avoided if they had put their egos away. But it was too late to change that and there wasn't a point in having regrets. They had to accept life as it was.
"Regina," she whispered as she sat on her daughter's bed. She hadn't been able to see her and missed her. "Come on, girl. Wake up, I've missed you." She tickled her like she used to do when the girl was younger; but Regina didn't move. Olivia shook her leg and nothing happened. "Regina!" And she did what she had been so afraid to do. Benson checked for her daughter's pulse…there was none. Her heart was no longer beating. "Hank!" She screamed in pain as she held her daughter's body against hers.
Voight rushed into the bedroom, the fear in his eyes. "What happened?"
"She," the crying was too strong, "she is…she is dead."
"No, that's not possible."
With fast pace he reached the bed and did exactly what Olivia had done. She was right. There was no pulse. Their baby girl was gone. He wrapped his arms around Olivia and their daughter's lifeless body. Hank couldn't believe it was happening. He couldn't believe how fast the cancer had taken her. He couldn't believe he wouldn't hear her voice or her laughter again. He would never see her smile or see her play volleyball again. She was gone and he wouldn't be able to bring her back. That night, a part of him died. A part of Olivia died. A part of them died and life would never be the same. They would never be the same.
"What do we do?" She whispered unable to let go of Regina, unable to leave his arms.
"We have to call the doctor and see what the next step is."
"Burying our daughter is the next step, Henry."
"Don't be like this, Olivia. This hurts me just as much." He let go of her. "I'll call the doctor. Just stay here with her."
"Yes, I wasn't planning on going anywhere."
And it had begun. When Olivia Benson was in pain, she took it out on him trying to hurt him as much as the pain was damaging her. He couldn't deal with that. Voight was as broken as she was and he didn't need the extra hit. That's why he left her and called the doctor. An ambulance would get Regina's body –they still needed to have an autopsy– and they would be able to get it back for burial in two days. That would give them time to prepare, but how could they? How could they ever be ready to bury their daughter? No one had prepared them for this. They never thought this day would come.
"Do you need anything?" He asked four hours after the body had been taken away.
"Our daughter."
"Believe me, I wish I could. I would give my life for hers in the blink of an eye."
"You should. She deserved living more than any of us."
He ignored the first comment; it wasn't time to fight. "She did. Regina deserved much more than what she got."
"She deserved better. Why couldn't we give her better, Hank?"
"We gave her all we could. We couldn't control her illness, it was out of our hands."
"Nothing should have been out of our hands when it came to her."
"I agree. We controlled everything we could, Olivia, but we weren't an omnipotent force that could control life and death."
Olivia spent the days before the funeral getting drunk in bed. Hank had tried to stop her from drinking but that had led to fighting and he couldn't handle it. So he let her drink and yell at him for as long as she needed to. He was used to the way in which Benson dealt with the pain. She would act like a bitch and drink day and night for a few days until she was ready to face reality. He was letting her do that but was afraid this time she wouldn't have the strength to move on. What was he going to do if that was the case?
"Olivia, go take a shower. The funeral is in two hours and you need to sober up."
"I don't want to go."
"You don't want to go to your daughter's funeral?"
"That's what I said."
"You have to."
"No one says I have to."
"Okay, that's it." He threw her body over his shoulder and carried her to the bathroom. Once he got the shower running, he made her stand under the water.
"What? You're gonna fuck me?"
"No." He started washing her body trying to get the smell of alcohol off.
"Leave me alone!"
"Cut it out, Olivia." He grabbed her face between his hands. "I get it, okay? I know the pain you're going through. I feel it too. But right now I'm asking you to stop acting like a bitch and sober up. Do it for Regina. You owe it to her to decently show up at her funeral. Okay?"
"Okay."
"Okay." He continued to wash her body and then helped her get dressed.
Olivia rested her head on his shoulder as the taxi drove them to the cemetery. She was sorry for the way she had acted towards Hank and realized how selfish she had been. He had lost a daughter too and instead of mourning her loss, he had been too busy taking care of her. Yes, she had needed him to take care of her but now it was time she did the same for him. No more being a bitch. No more drinking. She would find the strength in her to learn how to mourn their daughter together without hurting him.
"I don't think I'll be able to speak."
"You don't have to."
"But I want her to know I love her."
"She knows that, Benson."
"Will you speak for both of us?"
"If that's what you want."
"Please."
"Then I will."
Everyone who loved Regina was there. She hadn't had grandparents or uncles or aunts but she had had a family who loved her. Those who had been there since she was born and those who had recently joined her life. Barba, Nick, Fin, Amanda, Carisi, Melinda, Munch and Cragen were there. They had always been Olivia and Hank's family; some closer to Benson, some closer to Voight. They had made Regina a part of their lives. Maggie flew in from Chicago to be there. She wasn't only her dad's best friend, she had always been like an aunt to Regina. They were all there showing their love and giving their support because that was what families did.
"I'd like to say something on behalf of Olivia and me." She squeezed Hank's hand as he started speaking. "I remember as if it was yesterday when I got home one night sixteen years ago to find Benson crying on the kitchen floor. We can't lie, we all know my first thought was "who do I have to kill?" but as she looked at me, I saw the biggest smile I had ever seen. That's when she told me we were going to be parents. That's how she said it. Parents. A title that will never leave us…even if life took our girl away." He made a pause to push the tears away. "Regina had the most beautiful soul. She made everyone around her feel alive. She would always smile and laugh and that would cause you to do the same. Some may say she looked like me. Some may say she looked like Olivia. To us she looked like her own person. She was the product of our love and the best thing we could have created. About four weeks ago, I found out she was dying." He wasn't hiding the tears anymore. "I understood my life would never be the same. And it isn't. The world doesn't seem right anymore. Nothing seems right without her. But," he took Olivia's hand in his, "we will continue to live for her. We will honor her life and do what she asked us to do. So, Regina, wherever you are, fly high and enlighten the world like you enlightened our lives. We love you and we will never forget you."
"That was beautiful." Maggie hugged Hank as she approached him after the funeral.
"Thank you for coming."
"I had to say my goodbyes."
"She loved you, you know?"
"I know." She squeezed his arm. "Are you coming home?"
"Olivia is my home."
"She always has been."
"Maggie…"
"Just…don't let her hurt you." She kissed his cheek close to his lips. "You take care of yourself, bad boy."
"I will."
Olivia didn't speak on the way home. Her mind was on Voight and Maggie; he was her man and she couldn't let another woman take him away. As he stood in the living room, she wrapped her arms around him from behind and softly started kissing his neck. Slowly she slid her hand in his trousers but, before she could do anything, he turned around to look at her.
"Not tonight, Benson." He kissed her forehead.
"Why? Is it because you saw your mistress?"
"Olivia, don't start."
"What? Would you rather fuck her?"
"No."
"Then what is it?"
"You're drunk and in pain. I won't do this."
"Whatever, Henry. Go fuck Maggie or not but leave this house right now."
