AN: I'm writing again! There are no excuses for why this has taken so long, instead I will just apologise for the delay. I'm truly sorry you had to wait so long. There is good news though: The next chapter is already written (though it needs a bit of revising before it can be published) and I have begun on a third – last – chapter. After this there will be an epilogue to finish the story. Hopefully I will have the next chapter out by next week and have it all done and published before June ends. I want to thank all my faithful readers for hanging in there, and welcome anyone who just found this story. Let's get started!
.oOo.
Severus Snape had never had much patience for staff meetings. In his opinion they seldom contributed to anything except trying to create the illusion that they were all a team and that Dumbledore listened to their opinions. After sixteen years of teaching and still getting the Slytherins paired with the Gryffindors Severus knew that Albus did whatever he wanted anyways.
Glancing across the room Severus could see the back of Lupin's head a few chairs in front of him. None of them had ever mentioned his little episode in the safe house. When he had woken up again Severus found that it was dark outside, and Lupin was gone. He realised he'd slept for over twelve hours, a deep and peaceful sleep, and he hadn't felt so well-rested in years.
For a long time afterwards he had felt a strange feeling of being empty and light at the same time, and for the first time in his life he felt that the weight on his shoulders had actually lessened instead of increased. Any worry he'd had about Remus' reaction was quickly calmed as the man showed up for breakfast. The two of them had both been determined to pretend like nothing had happened and had settled back into their safe-house routines fast enough.
As Dumbledore finally began to wrap the meeting up the clock was closing in on seven, and Severus couldn't wait to get out. He had felt an increasing uneasiness during the last few hours that had nothing to do with classes starting the next day. The proof he'd been right came before he had even reached his quarters, and he opened his door gritting his teeth against the pain in his forearm.
.oOo.
Remus finally managed to get away from his slightly smothering colleagues by claiming that he had to look over some lesson plans. It wasn't that he didn't appreciate their concern. During his four days back he had spent hours poring over the details of his capture with Albus and Minerva. The deaths of the family had been discussed until he almost felt it wasn't his doing, and he had lost the discussion about whether he should have been saved or not.
In the end Remus had accepted what had happened to him. He had a sneaking suspicion that it might have been too easy and would come back to haunt him later, but at the moment he had other things occupying him. Things he couldn't discuss with anyone. Because his story somehow seemed inconsequential compared to what he had heard from Severus. Remus wished he could speak to people about it, make them see what he had seen, but he knew that could never happen.
"I on the other hand remember every last one of mine, and let me tell you they are remarkably more than three. How much blood do you think it takes to get into the Dark Lord's inner circle? How much torture? How many lives? No one ever held my hand..."
The words had echoed in Remus' head ever since Christmas day, and the events after the last meeting still had him reeling as he thought about it. He still didn't know exactly what it was that had made Severus so uncharacteristically fragile, but he could guess that it had some connection with his imprisonment. Considering how big it must have been just to drive the spy to that first confession, Remus hesitated to think about what Severus must have undergone that drove him all the way to a breakdown.
In all his life Remus had never believed that Snape would ever beg him for anything. If he'd been told it would happen he would have guessed Severus would beg to be left alone, not the opposite. Yet that was what had happened. Severus had lain next to him, voice slightly shaking, and begged not to be left alone. Remus remembered how his stomach dropped when he felt how much Severus relaxed when he wasn't rejected, when he realised that Severus had been sure he'd be denied the consolation.
They had both fallen asleep there on the couch. Remus had woken around lunch with an empty stomach and a full bladder. He got up carefully, without waking Severus. In fact the man didn't stir for the whole day. Remus had opted to let him sleep, thinking he could probably need it. When darkness once again fell over the house he went to bed in his own room, determined to follow Snapes lead the next morning. If he didn't bring it up neither would Remus, there was no use to make Severus' life harder than necessary.
Reaching his office Remus automatically brought out the map to check that the potions master was still on the grounds. It was early enough in the evening that Remus first didn't believe his eyes when he couldn't find him. Curfew wasn't for another hour, and even after that students would be sneaking around for quite some time. Waiting outside Snape's office under such circumstances would be ill advised, so Remus would have to make do with the map.
The last two times he had met Severus after a meeting with He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named stood out in Remus mind. He hoped that this time it could end up somewhere in between him getting beaten up or handling a complete breakdown.
.oOo.
It took two and a half hour for the small dot labelled Severus Snape to finally appear in his office. If asked, Remus would claim he had spent the time reading. The book was after all laying open in front of him, and if not a single page had been turned that evening no one was the wiser.
Being out after curfew had been somewhat of a theme during Remus' school years. It was a long time since the poorly lit hallways with their ghosts and antique armours had stopped spooking him, but walking through them alone always made him feel hollow and lonely. The school was built for its students, and without them it felt desolate and cold.
Once he reached his destination Remus knocked on the heavy wooden door that separated Snape's quarters from the corridor outside. For a short while he was sure he hadn't been heard, or was being ignored. Then the door swung open to reveal a surly-looking potions master. For two short seconds the men simply stood staring at each other.
"I take it I won't be able to make you go away?" Severus sounded unusually resigned.
"No, not really."
Remus knew he had just told a lie. If Severus honestly wanted him gone he would leave, he saw clearly enough that the man wasn't seriously injured. Yet he couldn't believe that the man really wished him gone, the door was after all still open. As if to prove Remus' line of thought Severus stepped aside and let his younger colleague in.
As soon as the door clicked Snape whirled around and set off across the room, his destination set to a door that Remus would guess led to his office.
"I have things to finish. If I'm lucky you'll have left when I'm done." The intent had probably been for it to sound scathing, but the statement just fell flat between them.
Remus really didn't know what to do next. Snape seemed to be faring well enough after the meeting, and it made Remus feel unsure what he was doing here. Sure, he had been invited, sort of, so he guessed he was welcome but where should he continue from here? Smalltalk wasn't really a speciality for him and Severus. They usually either fought or, well, had other things to occupy them.
The barren room had little to distract Remus from the waiting. The black square on one wall neither confirmed nor denied the rumour that dungeon quarters had windows out in the lake. It sounded both interesting and beautiful but only the Slytherins would know, and Remus didn't know any of them well enough to bring it up. He had once tried to ask Albus about it but the headmaster had waved the question away, claiming that each house had its right to its secrets.
Thanks to the house elves a fire was burning merrily in the fireplace. Unlike in most of his colleagues quarters there were no photos or random knickknacks on Severus' mantelpiece. It was a plain empty shelf, just as most surfaces in his home. Remus would find it unbearable to live in such barren and impersonal surroundings, but he had an inkling that Snape wanted to be reminded as little as possible about his life.
The bookcase was really the only thing in the room that could offer some kind of distraction to Remus, something he desperately needed to keep the awkwardness from making him leave. Because here he was all alone in Snape's living room waiting for the man to show up, and then what? What should he say? It wasn't as they had anything substantial to speak about and Severus didn't come off as a much of a chit-chatter.
Most of the books seemed to be about potions, but there was also an extensive section on defence. As far as he could see there was no fiction what so ever. What was really intriguing though was the seemingly random way they were sorted. Sure, most of the defence and spell books were in the same general area, but a few of them were scattered among potion books. Alphabetically there was no order eihter, but Remus didn't think Severus would really leave his books as disorganized as it seemed.
The werewolf had no idea if it was three or thirty minutes later that he looked up to see that Snape was standing just inside the living room. The man was silently watching him, arms crossed over his chest, and Remus felt slightly embarrassed. How long had the man been standing there? He was very glad he hadn't touched anything.
"Just trying to figure out the system." Remus said with a smile he was certain came out very skewed. Snape simply raised an eyebrow and looked at him suspiciously for a second before he decided the question was genuine.
"It's based on content. Offence or defence, stealthy or obvious, with sliding scales. For example you're standing by the shelf for healing, which crosses over into pain relievers followed by sleeping draughts to the right and poison antidotes to the left. Stealthy poisons are on top of the antidotes and the not so stealthy ones are below."
"Oh" was all that Lupin could manage in answer. He always had problems finding books if a library wasn't sorted alphabetically on the titles.
Desperately searching for something to say that would neither be banal nor too deep Remus came up empty. Snape on the other hand seemed completely indifferent to Remus awkward presence and moved to sit down in an armchair by the fire, effectively turning his back to his guest. Apparently there would be no help from that direction.
To ease the tension he was feeling Remus moved over to the small kitchenette that all staff residences were equipped with. Opening the cupboards he found to his relief that the house elves apparently kept this one stocked the same as his own. Grabbing some milk from the fridge he set about to make hot chocolate. Tea might have been faster, but making chocolate from scratch gave him something to focus on, if but for a short while. Besides, he had always found hot chocolate to be more comforting than tea.
The few steps back to the hearth were made easier by the distraction of the scalding cups burning his fingertips. Stopping next to his colleague Remus held out a cup waiting for him to take it but the man didn't react. He simply continued to stare emptily somewhere beyond the dancing flames with a distant look.
"Hot chocolate?" Remus asked and Severus startled ever so slightly at the sudden sound. Glancing quickly at the mug Snape sneered.
"Do I look like a first year?"
Lupin sighed at the immature answer and showed the drink at Severus, forcing him to take it.
There was only one chair standing in front of the fireplace, but another one was placed opposite the strict couch. With one hand now free Lupin reached for his wand and easily moved the piece of furniture. Sitting down next to Severus he took small sips of the beverage. He could see that his colleague was doing the same but chose not to comment on the fact that he hadn't wanted it.
Severus appeared preoccupied with something and Remus felt relieved that talking seemed unnecessary. The potions master had his hands wrapped tightly around the much too hot cup, and Remus wondered if all his brewing had made his hands insensitive to heat.
The time was closing in on one o'clock when their cups had finally been emptied and Remus was struggling to stay awake. He realised that it was time to leave, after all classes would start later that day. Standing he rinsed the dishes and left them in the sink for the house elves.
"I'm retiring for the night, maybe you should do the same?" He turned to Severus who was still staring at the fire. The man hummed something that could be taken as an agreement.
.oOo.
"Good night Severus." Snape could hear the door clicking shut behind his colleague but he kept his gaze locked on the flames. An articulate 'Good night Remus' rang through Severus head, but he stopped himself from saying the words out loud.
He knew he could have easily made Remus leave tonight, he should have made him leave. Yet somehow he couldn't bring himself to turn the only human away who at least appeared to give a knut about whether he lived or not.
It was a dangerous road he had started walking, Severus was aware of that, but it was too late to change now. With the events in the safe house a door had slammed shut behind him and he couldn't make things go back. Lupin had gotten too close, had seen too much, and Severus wasn't strong enough to push him away anymore. Having remembered how it felt to have someone who cared about him Snape couldn't find the energy to drive that one good thing away. He no longer wanted to go back to the complete darkness he had lived in for so many years.
So in the end, he had let Remus in tonight. He did a few half-hearted tries to drive the man away but he guessed Lupin saw straight through them. The chocolate that had been showed into his hands had been surprisingly bitter with a touch of cinnamon, and against his better judgement Severus had found himself enjoying it. The burning heat against his palms had helped keeping him somewhat anchored to reality and the simple remedy had calmed him down more than he would have guessed. Or maybe it had just been the company.
If a small sigh escaped when he stood from the armchair Snape pretended not to notice. Getting ready for bed he fleetingly hoped that the night's sleep wouldn't be as short and troubled as it usually was. Even with Dreamless Sleep he'd had problems getting a decent rest for as long as he could remember. He guessed there had been a time before his deflection to the light side when he could sleep uninterrupted through the night, but it felt very far away. Now, he only had one memory of waking up from a good night's sleep and feeling rested. It was when he had stirred on the couch in the safe house, wondering how Lupin had managed to leave without him noticing.
.oOo.
Six weeks later Remus was quietly observing Severus during the lunch in the great hall. He had thought that his colleague wouldn't show up today but instead stay home and rest. Apparently he was mistaken. If he hadn't known the man had been up all night he would never have guessed it. In fact, this appeared to be just another day in the life of their surly potions master, and who knew; maybe it was?
Since the start of the spring term a cautious routine had been built between the two of them. In front of the school they mostly ignored each other, even if they still fought sometimes. Yet in the evenings Remus was secretly keeping an eye on the map to keep track of any Death Eater meetings, and so far there had been five of them.
Until yesterday the aftermaths of the meetings had played out much in the same way as the night when they had just gotten back to Hogwarts. Severus had been relatively fine, or at least spared from major injuries. With no crises to avert they had silently and slowly been drinking cups of practically unsweetened hot chocolate in front of the fire until Remus had been too tired and went home. It had worked well enough until yesterday when the pattern had been broken.
Snape had let Remus in at first, but in hindsight it was probably just to not risk being seen talking to him in the hallway late at night. As soon as the door closed behind them Severus had turned to his colleague.
"You have to leave." Remus opened his mouth to retort but was cut off. "Don't argue." The 'please' hung silently in the air between them and Remus found himself actually looking at Snape for the first time that evening.
If Severus normal complexion was pale then it was now close to grey, even in the warm light that the living flames provided. He had obviously suffered from at least one Cruciatus during the night, if his shaking hands were anything to go by, and somewhere along the road the man had passed being just tired and moved into deeply weary.
"Can I ask why?" Remus questioned.
"The headmaster has requested a potion to be delivered tomorrow before lunch. It will take over six hours to brew, and my first class of the day is in six hours and forty-five minutes." Remus couldn't help that his eyes strayed down to the shaking hands.
"Can I help you somehow?" Severus scoffed, apparently well aware why Remus asked.
"We are talking about a potion that the headmaster himself has problems brewing perfectly, frankly you would just be in my way." Lupin couldn't help but notice that Snape had let a perfect opportunity to insult him pass by unused.
"Besides, it's not like I haven't brewed in worse conditions. I'll be fine." Severus suddenly looked uncomfortable and Remus guessed he hadn't meant to reveal that. The spy must have let his guard down around him more than any of them had realised.
"Okay," Remus said. "I'll leave you to it." Knowing he wasted precious seconds he still took the time to just look the potions master over before leaving, getting a quiet reassurance that it would indeed be fine.
"Don't blow up the castle though; I sort of need this job." Glancing over his shoulder as he left Remus could see a faint softening of the lines on Severus' face. Then the room was hidden by the oak door and Remus headed home.
Seeing him now at the lunch table there was no trace of fatigue in the potions master. Sure he might be a bit more bad tempered and impatient than usual, but that could be blamed on a difficult morning class. At first Remus wondered why his colleague hadn't taken the chance to get some rest before the afternoon classes begun, but then he remembered that the teachers were required to be present during lunch and dinner. If Severus didn't show up there would be questions.
It bothered Remus a little bit to see how flawlessly the act hid the weariness from the night before. He couldn't help but wonder how often this happened.
.oOo.
TBC
