He hadn't left, he wouldn't leave her alone in that state. She yelled at him for thirty minutes before she gave up and continued to get drunk. Hank knew it had only been two days since Regina passed away but he was already scared of Olivia's drinking. Barba had called him one night –on the first year of their divorce– to tell him he had found her drunk late in the office. Ever since then, Voight would always ask Regina how her mother was doing because he was afraid she would fall into alcoholism. Benson had always had that fear; after all, it did run in her DNA. That's why he hadn't left that night, he had to stay close to her.
"My head," she whined as she sat up on the couch rubbing her forehead.
"Here." Hank handed her a glass of water and an aspirin. "This will make it better."
"Will it take away the pain in my heart?"
"I don't think it's that kind of pill." He kissed her forehead before he headed back to the kitchen where he was making breakfast. "I'm cooking hash brown, pancakes and bacon. The grease will absorb the alcohol."
"Why are you being so nice?" She sat on the counter watching him cook. "I was a bitch last night."
"I'll just blame it on the pain and the drinking."
"I'm sorry, Hank."
"Hey," he stood between her legs and looked into her eyes, "it's okay. Don't be so hard on yourself."
As she ate breakfast, Olivia thought back on the previous day. She couldn't believe they had buried their daughter; now it was real, she was gone and she wasn't coming back. Benson felt as if her life had ended as well and she had no idea how to keep going. The alcohol was helping. At least when she was drunk she was numb. The pain didn't bother her. Her feelings were shut down when the wine took over her body. But it took, at least, a bottle of wine to start forgetting the pain. That's what terrified her. It took a lot of drinking for the numbness to begin and she didn't know when to stop…she couldn't stop.
"I'm sorry about what I said."
"What of all the things you said?"
"About Maggie. I know she came because she loved Regina."
"She does. And Regina loved her too."
"I know. She would always call her aunt Maggie…it made me jealous."
"What is it with you and her? I don't get it."
"She knows a part of you that I never will. She knew your parents, your childhood, your dreams. Those are things I didn't get and, even if you tell me about them, she will always know more. As your best friend Maggie has a connection with you that I never will have." Olivia looked at him and then looked down. "It's stupid. I don't know."
Voight stood up and knelt down next to her chair holding her hands. "Yet no one understands me like you do. You said it yourself Maggie is my best friend. But you, Benson, are the love of my life. There is no stronger connection than that one."
"And nothing will ever break it?"
"Not even a divorce did."
"I guess it's just my mind playing tricks on me."
"Tell your mind not to worry about us. I'm not going anywhere."
"Not even if I turn into a creepy alcoholic?"
"I'm honestly hoping you aren't turning into that." He pushed her hair behind her ear and caressed her cheek. "But even if you are, I won't go anywhere. I'll help you walk the rocky road."
"I don't deserve you, Voight. Not after all the damage I caused."
"Good thing I like the pain then."
He stood under the water in the shower and allowed himself to cry. Really cry for the first time since Regina's death. He missed his daughter and it was hard to start a new day knowing she would never get new days. He hated knowing he had been so helpless unable to find the way to keep her alive. The moment she was born, he had promised he would always protect her; he would give his life for her. What kind of father was he if he couldn't keep his promise? What kind of father let his daughter die? Hank Voight would never forgive himself.
But, somehow, he had to find the strength to keep going. It wasn't time to worry about himself. He had Olivia to worry about; she was the one who needed him now. He had to find the way to help her because he wasn't willing to lose her to the alcohol. Voight knew she was much more than that. Much more than a bottle of wine. Much more than the pain. She was the strongest woman he had ever met and it was time she remembered that.
Olivia was looking for the corkscrew when a knock on the door distracted her. The last thing she needed was a visitor. Who was at their door the day after their daughter's funeral? Who had the courage to annoy them? She didn't want to deal with visitors. She didn't want to deal with anyone. She didn't want to deal with life.
"Maggie," she exclaimed as she opened the door and saw the other woman standing there. She looked so good. She had a great body and her hair and makeup looked perfectly well done. Olivia felt like a train wreck compared to her and could understand why Hank would fall for his best friend.
"Hello, Olivia. I am so sorry to bother you but I am headed back to Chicago in a few hours and I need to talk to Hank."
"Ummm, he's in the shower. You are welcome to wait for him."
"Do you mind?"
"Come on in," she rolled her eyes and stepped aside to let Maggie walk in. "You can take a seat if you want to. I don't know how long he'll take."
"I can wait."
"If you need to leave, you can tell me and I'll pass the message to him."
"I rather wait for him."
"Suit yourself." She made her way back to the kitchen and continued to search for the corkscrew. If that woman needed to talk to Hank, she needed a drink. What could be so important? What was going on? She hated thinking that Maggie was about to share a secret with him. Something that would make their bond stronger. But Olivia had no idea what would be said. She couldn't imagine how their lives were about to change. How their love would be put to test once more. She couldn't imagine what was left of her world would soon be destroyed.
"Maggie, what are you doing here?" He looked surprised as he stepped back into the living room.
"She needs to talk to you." Olivia said as she leaned against the counter with a new glass of wine.
"Okay. Shall we step outside?"
"Yes, please."
Hank walked out to the patio with Maggie right behind him. He couldn't understand why she was there and what couldn't be said over the phone. "What is it?"
"I don't know how to say this, Hank. Please believe that I don't want to cause any trouble."
"Maggie, just say it."
"Remember two weeks ago when I called you? When you told me Regina was ill." He nodded. "I called you because I had something to say but then it didn't feel fair to Regina. It still doesn't feel fair to her or to Olivia. But you aren't coming back to Chicago and I can't leave without telling you."
"Will you just say it?"
"Please know that I don't expect anything from you and I know your life is here with Olivia."
"Maggie Lockwood."
"I'm pregnant, Hank. I'm pregnant."
"What? With my baby?"
"Well, you are the only man I've slept with in the last four years."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, I have already seen my doctor. I'm ten weeks pregnant."
"Maggie, I…"
"I don't expect anything. I know my place in your life but you had the right to know."
Olivia watched them through the window in the kitchen trying to figure out what was being said. Maggie had her back to the window and she could only see Hank's face. She tried to read his expression. To understand what was happening. But no expression, no action, gave away the words they were saying. Maggie had her arms wrapped around her body. Voight kept his hands in his pockets. Benson was going crazy; she had to know what they were talking about before her thoughts made her head explode.
"It's still my baby and I will provide for it."
"I don't want you to."
"Don't be a stubborn ass, Maggie. I am responsible for the life growing in you and I will take full responsibility."
"And how will that affect Olivia? I could smell the alcohol on her skin. Do you think she needs this? Because I don't."
"Let me worry about her, okay?"
"Yeah, but who worries about you?"
"I'm fine."
"You are not. I'm afraid this will explode in your face one day, Hank."
"Don't think about that. You put your mind on the baby and your health."
"I'm sorry this is happening now but I'm not sorry I'm pregnant."
"You shouldn't be. You always wanted to be a mother."
"Just wish the father would love me."
"Maggie."
She shook her head. "Take care of yourself, bad boy." She kissed his cheek and stepped back inside. "You take care of yourself, Olivia." Maggie said before she left the house.
He stood in the center of the patio for fifteen minutes before he could step inside. Maggie was right, Olivia didn't need this but he couldn't lie or keep it a secret. If they were giving their love a second chance, he had to keep it honest. Except Hank knew telling the truth could cost him her love. This was the ultimate betrayal, even if he hadn't actually cheated on her. But he knew how she would react, what she would say and how things would end. He was worried about how it would affect her.
"You look like you need this," Olivia handed him a glass of wine the second he walked through the door.
"You have no idea." He downed the glass in one sip.
"What did she say?"
"I honestly don't know how to say it without hurting you…hurting us."
"Just lay it on me, Hank."
"She's pregnant. Maggie is ten weeks pregnant."
"That's your cue to leave my house and my life."
"That's not what I want."
"Do you think I care about what you want? You should have thought about it before fucking her."
"I never thought this would happen, Olivia."
"You always did want a second child. Hell, you can now replace Regina."
"What is wrong with you? Our daughter is irreplaceable. This has nothing to do with her."
"There's a long list of what is wrong with me but you are right. This is about you screwing around with that woman and ruining us."
"There wasn't an us when I slept with her."
"And there never will be. Goodbye, Henry." She turned around to head to her bedroom as the tears started falling. Her name was the last thing she heard him say before she locked the door.
When Regina was four years old, they had talked about having another child but had come to the conclusion that it wouldn't be for the best. They both knew how demanding their job was and they could never give their full attention to two kids. Throughout the years, Olivia realized he blamed her for that decision. He had never said it out loud and had always refused when she asked about it; but certain comments made her realize he thought about it. Now their daughter was gone and he was about to have a baby with another woman. Olivia felt like she no longer belonged in his life and the only thing she could do was push him away.
An hour later, she stepped out into the dark living room to see he was gone. Part of her had expected him to stay but another part was glad he wasn't there. She opened the third bottle of wine of the day and grabbed her phone knowing exactly what she would do.
"Hello," she heard the man on the other side say.
"Hello."
"Olivia, is that you?"
"Yes."
"It's been years since you last called me."
"Well, you fucked up my life last time I saw you."
"I think you mean I fucked you."
"Want to do it again?"
"Is this an invitation?"
"You know the address."
"See you soon."
"See you soon, Cassidy."
