She could feel his body on hers. His hips thrusting against her. His lips on her neck. His moans reaching her ears repeatedly. But it wasn't the same. He didn't know what to do with his hands. He didn't know what to do with his lips. He didn't know how to make her body leave the mattress. He didn't know her. He wasn't Hank Voight. Still, an orgasm hit her and with that a name escaped her lips.
"Oh, Hank!" She moaned as her legs went weak.
"Wrong name, Liv." Brain said as he rolled off her body.
"What? What did I say?"
"You know exactly what you said."
"Sorry, Bri." She put her shirt back on and, reaching for the glass of wine from the nightstand, she got out of bed. "Do you by any chance have a cigarette?"
"I'm not him and if you wanted him so badly, you should have called him."
"I don't want him."
But she did. Olivia was heartbroken and didn't know what to do. Three days ago she lost her daughter and now the man she loved was having a baby with another woman. She felt completely alone. Yes, she had her team but it wasn't the same. They didn't know her like Hank did and they could never understand what she was going through. Hell, she couldn't understand what she was going through. It seemed like no matter where she looked, her life was full of death and loss. She was spiraling down a dark hole and didn't know where the way out was.
The morning came and she woke up with a headache in the arms of the wrong man. She stayed still so Brian wouldn't wake up; she wasn't ready to face him. Calling him the night before and having sex with him had been a stupid mistake. She could have blamed it on the alcohol but the truth was that she had wanted to hurt Hank like he had hurt her. Two years back, Olivia's doctor had found a tumor on her uterus and to remove it, they had to remove the organ. She could never have babies again. At the moment, she thought she was fine with it. But when she heard him say Maggie was pregnant, she realized she wasn't. That was another thing the other woman could give to Voight and she wouldn't be able to do so. That's why it hurt her so much.
"Olivia, someone's at the door." Cassidy mumbled from the bed.
"Could you get that?" She was in the bathroom trying to stop the tears.
"Yeah." He walked to the door unaware of who was on the other side. "Oh shit."
"My thoughts exactly," Hank Voight said on the other side of the door. "Good to know you are still her second choice."
"At least she called me."
"Yeah? After how many bottles of wine?"
Brian was about to make a snarky comment when Benson walked into the living room. "Henry, what are you doing here?"
"I wanted to talk to you but if you are busy I can leave."
"Brian, could you give us a minute?"
"I'll be in the other room."
Hank felt he was back in the squad room on the night he caught her cheating on him. There she was sleeping with the same man. History had a way of repeating itself. Except this time he had no right to complain, to feel cheated on. She was his ex-wife, that was it. He had ruined the chance he had gotten to fix things. Another woman was having his baby and he knew Olivia would never forgive him. Maybe he deserved the pain he was feeling. After all, he wasn't keeping the promise he had made to Regina.
"What do you want, Henry?"
"I wanted to see how you were doing but I guess you are in good hands."
"You could say so."
"Didn't take you long to call him."
"Don't you dare. Don't turn this around on me after what you did." Olivia took a step closer to him but the hangover was too strong and she stumbled falling to the floor. "Fuck!"
"Hey," he knelt down and wrapped his arms around her sitting against the wall holding her tight. "I've got you."
"I really wish you did."
"Maggie being pregnant doesn't change how I feel about you."
"But it changes everything." Olivia buried her face against his neck. "She will need you and I could never rob that baby of such an amazing father."
"I can be the father while being with you."
"You could but I wouldn't be able to handle it."
"What am I supposed to do?"
"Go to Chicago and give that baby the family it deserves."
"What about you, Benson?"
"I'll survive. I always do." She kissed his lips as the tears rolled down her face.
"Don't forget this Chicago jerk, okay?"
"I won't remember anything else."
She watched him walk away once again. She felt the same way she did when he left her standing alone in the squad room with her love and her fears. This time, his actions had been the ones to separate them but she still felt alone with her love and her fears. Olivia knew that, no matter what happened, she would always love him and he would always hold her heart in his hands. Afraid of being alone and not able to get back the control of her own life. She didn't know what she would do. She didn't know who to turn to. She didn't know how to find herself again. She was lost and broken.
"I'm leaving, Liv." Cassidy said bringing her back to reality.
"You don't have to."
"I do. Look, you need to figure out what you want. You are a mess right now and I don't want to screw you even more. So once you've figured out what you want, go for it."
"I'll see you around?"
"Yes," he kissed her cheek leaving her alone with her thoughts.
[twenty years ago]
"Olivia, this is Maggie. Whatever she says about me, don't believe it."
"You let her make that choice on her own."
"You let her make up her mind about me without your thoughts." Hank kissed Olivia's cheek as both women sat down. "I'll go get us beers."
"Nice to finally meet you, Olivia." Maggie said as he walked away. "I can finally put a face to the name I've heard so many times before."
"Nice to meet you too. Hank says you two grew up together."
"Basically. I've known him since he was ten years old. He hasn't changed much."
"Was he a rebel back in the day?"
"Oh, yes." She laughed starting the spark of jealousy in Olivia. "He would get in all sorts of trouble and drag me down with him. The good this is there was never a dull moment in his company. But I guess you've already figured that out."
"I'm starting to notice that." She looked towards the bar and saw him lean over waiting for the beers. She was already falling for him when she barely even knew him. But Hank made her feel alive and she liked that about him. He would always make her laugh and all her worries stayed away when he was around. She knew she was the new girl in his life and she wished she was the last one.
"It surprises me that he brought you here."
"Why? Doesn't he usually bring the women he is dating?"
"Oh, honey. I have never met any of Hank's girlfriends. He never lets them in so this makes you pretty special."
"Really?"
"Okay, I'm back and I hope you didn't put any crazy ideas in her head."
"Don't worry, bad boy. I was just telling Olivia some fun stories."
"Whatever she said, it's a lie."
"No, she knows I wasn't lying." Maggie flashed her an understanding smile.
Could it be possible? Could Olivia be the first woman he introduced his best friend to? What did it mean? Was she truly special? Was he falling in love with her? It all made her look at him in a different way. Maybe she did have a good reason to be falling in love with him. She had never expected any of it to happen but now she couldn't picture life without Hank Voight.
"So, Maggie, what do you do for a living?"
"I'm a nurse. I think all the times I've given this kid stitches when we were teenagers made me love the profession."
"Wait. You gave him stitches when you were younger?"
"Yes, he wouldn't want his parents to find out so he made me do it. My mom was a nurse and taught me how to."
"Maggie, stop! You are making me look terrible."
"But I've seen the scars," she said with a smirk, "so I believe her."
"I like her, Hank. You better keep her around."
"That's the plan."
"Good. And with that, I'm out. It was lovely meeting you, Olivia. Voight, call me once she's back in New York and you're crying."
"She's nice." Olivia said once Maggie was gone.
"Yeah, she's a great woman."
Maggie was important to him so it was important that Olivia and her got along. He wanted Benson to be a part of his life and introducing her to his friend –his only family left– was the biggest step. He had never introduced Maggie to any of his previous girlfriends because none of them had been the right woman. That wasn't the case with Olivia. She was the one he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. The one he wanted to have a family with. The one to grow old with.
"Have you and her ever…?"
"Oh, god no. Don't get me wrong she's a beautiful woman but I don't see her like that."
"Now I like her even more."
Hank chuckled as he kissed her. "You have nothing to worry about, Benson. You are the only one I want."
"Hank."
"Yes?"
"I think I'm in love with you."
"I don't think so. I am in love with you."
"Will you keep it that way?"
"For the rest of my life."
[present time]
That was a promise he would never break. He was still in love with her and that wouldn't change. It had stayed that way after he found out she was cheating. After the divorce. After spending five years apart. It would stay the same even if she never wanted to see him again. Hank knew he had to be there for his baby but he wished he could do that and still be with the woman he loved.
"Hank." Maggie said surprised to see him at her door; she didn't know he had left New York.
"Tonight I need my friend. Tomorrow we can go back to figuring out what we'll do."
"Come in, bad boy."
"She kicked me out. Doesn't want to see me again."
"I'm so sorry."
"Me too," he said as they sat on the couch and rested his head on her lap. "I can't believe how badly I fucked up."
"Hank, when we started screwing around we never could have imagine Olivia and you would get another chance. We both thought that chapter of your life was done. That we were free to fuck around with no worries."
"I should have worried more."
"Should we have worn a condom? Yes, we should have but we never thought it would end up like this. Never thought I'd be ruining your chance at love again."
"Maggie, don't put this on you. Look," he sat up looking at her, "I don't regret what we did. We had a hell of a time and I know this baby will love having you as a mother. I just wish I could fit Olivia in this life because I can't be without her."
"Shouldn't you be telling her this? Shouldn't you be in New York?"
"I went to see her and she was with Cassidy."
"Is that why you left?"
"No, I talked to her. She doesn't see herself being part of this life and doesn't want me to be away from the baby."
"She always did think about others first."
Maggie had always liked Olivia. In the first years of her relationship with Hank, they had grown close to each other. She had been the maid of honor at their wedding and the midwife when Regina was born. They had grown to call each other sisters but when the divorce happened, Maggie chose Hank's side. With that, Olivia's jealousy reappeared and the bond they had once shared was broken.
"Hello?" Maggie answered her phone.
"Take care of him, okay?"
"Olivia?" She raised her eyebrows at Hank. "Are you okay?"
"You'll take care of Hank, right?"
"You know I always will but isn't that your place?"
"I don't have a place in his life anymore."
"Olivia, you are the love of his. You have the biggest place and I'm not trying to take that away from you." Maggie mouthed Barba at Voight and so he texted the other man to go check on Benson. From her voice, she knew Olivia couldn't be left alone that night.
"But you will be his baby's mom. I'm no longer that."
"You will always be Regina's mom and that won't change in his heart."
"Just…you take care of him." And with that, she hanged up.
"Tell me Barba is on his way."
"He is. Is she okay?"
"She shouldn't be alone tonight."
