Barba didn't need to knock, he had had a key ever since that night years ago. He couldn't see Olivia as he walked in and immediately knew where to find her. The same place he had found her that night four years ago. There she was sitting on the bathroom floor, her head resting against the bathtub, half an empty bottle of wine by her side and the same orange pills container from last time. He didn't say a word as he flushed the pills and the alcohol down the toilet. Then, he picked her up and, fully clothed, sat her under the shower water.

"How many did you take, Olivia?"

"Four."

"I am not doing this again, you hear me?" He shut the water off and threw a towel on her. "I am not shoving my fingers down your throat again to make you throw up this killing mix. You have to stop doing this."

"My daughter is dead." Olivia started crying as he sat down next to her and held her tight. "My," she punched his chest, "daughter is dead."

"Let it out."

"Why? Why did this have to happen? She was my baby. My life. I don't want to keep living without her."

"So, what? You are going to push sleeping pills down your throat with wine? Do you think that is what Regina would have wanted?"

"No, she wanted Hank and I to be together. Look how that's working out. Maggie is having his kid and I fucked Cassidy. We sure know how to keep promises."

"And since you can't be with Voight you are going to kill yourself?"

"No."

"You need to stop this madness, Olivia. It's time you get your shit together."

"I don't know how to."

"Then ask for help."

"Barba."

"Yes?"

"Will you help me?"

She knew he was right and it was time to pull herself together. Regina was gone and the pain her loss was causing would never go away. But she wasn't coming back and she wouldn't like to see her mother popping pills and drinking wine as if it were water. If she wasn't ready to do it for herself, she had to do it for her daughter's memory. She hadn't been able to keep her promise, she and Hank couldn't be together, and the least she could do was live a healthy life in Regina's honor. That night as she cried in her best friend's arms, Olivia made the choice to give herself a second chance and choose life –with its pain, fears, regrets and opportunities.

[one year later]

"I left milk in the fridge and you can call me if you need anything."

"He'll be fine; he is staying with his father. And you know, I have actually done the whole parenting before."

"I know but this is my first time working a night-shift since I had him."

"He is nearly five months old so I still can't understand how you've managed to avoid working nights."

"I have nice co-workers."

"I can see that."

"You'll call me if you need anything, right?"

"I won't."

"Can I ask you something?"

"Even if I say no, you'll ask so go ahead."

"Are you taking care of our son because you don't want to attend the conference she's at?"

"Goodbye, Maggie."

The conference had begun the day before and he made his research to find out whether she was attending or not. She was. Lieutenant Benson was on the list and he couldn't come around to see her. Not a day had gone by in the last year in which he didn't think of her. She was all he could think about every night as he fell asleep. He missed her voice. The way she would throw her head back when she laughed. How her eyes would shine when she smiled. The way she wore her glasses on the tip of her nose when she was tired. The way she tucked her hair behind her ear when she was flirting. The eyebrow raise she would do when she wanted to make a point. Voight wasn't ready to face her because facing her would show how bad he had been at keeping Regina's promise.

Twenty-one years had gone by since she last set foot on that convention center. Twenty-one years since attending a conference had changed her life. That had been the first and last time she had been there. At first, she stopped going because she found it incredibly boring and there was always someone who could go in her place. Then, after the divorce, she wouldn't dare show up and run into him. Now the odds were the same but after the terrible year she had had, she couldn't say no or get someone to cover for her. She took a deep breath, faked a smile and walked into the conference as if she were the happiest woman around.

"Well, look who flew in with the wind." She heard that recognizable soft voice and immediately turned around.

"Alvin Olinsky."

"Olivia Benson." He pulled her in for a short embrace. "How long has it been?"

"Seventeen years."

Alvin Olinsky had been Voight's partner when Olivia first met him. They were always there for each other, covering each other's asses when needed. When Hank moved to New York, they lost touch but Alvin was the one to help him put the Intelligence team together. Benson knew they shared dark secrets and that's why they had stayed out of each other's lives as they settled down and started their families. Now they were both divorced and probably doing what they used to do.

"I haven't seen you around here since the day we all met."

"I have managed to send someone in my place until this year." Olivia looked around trying to see if he was around. "Did he send you in his place?"

"He did this year. We've come together every year since he moved back here. I was surprised to hear he wasn't coming."

"Maybe he didn't want to run into me."

"I doubt that's the case, Olivia." Alvin squeezed her arm gently. "He misses you. I can tell he does."

"He doesn't need me in his life."

"I wouldn't be so sure about that."

"He has Maggie and their baby."

"Yes, he has their baby but Maggie isn't you."

She didn't know what to say. She didn't want to think about them together as a family. "It was nice running into you, Al. I'll see you around."

"You should give him a call."

Her mind stayed on Hank Voight as she got on a taxi and asked to be taken back to the hotel. This was his city. She was in his city walking his streets trying to forget him, but it was impossible. As she looked out the window, she saw the bridge on which they had kissed for the first time. She saw the buildings that had witnessed the first signs of their growing love. He was that city and she could see his face everywhere. No matter where she looked, she saw him. She was thinking about that when the taxi crashed into the car in front of them and she slammed her forehead against the seat in front of her. Olivia insisted she was okay but the cut on her head made the officers who had reached the scene doubt her. Against her will, she was driven to the hospital. That hospital. Her hospital.

"Out of all the nurses in Chicago, it had to be you?" She rolled her eyes as she saw Maggie walk pass the curtain in the small emergency room.

"I am just here to do your stitches but I can call someone else if you want."

"It pains me to say this but you are the only one I trust not to leave a giant scar. After all, you've been doing this your entire life and I've seen the results."

"I'll be quick," she said as she started working on Olivia's forehead. "Can you tell me what happened?"

"A stupid taxi driver happened. He just crashed into the car in front of us when there was a red light."

"Seems like he was distracted."

"You think?" She rolled her eyes again.

"Stay still, Olivia, or you will have a big scar."

"Just hurry up."

"I am doing my job."

"Like you were doing your job when you fucked my husband and got knocked-up."

"He wasn't your husband when I fucked him." Maggie finished the stitches and took a step back. "You are done. I'll give you pills for the pain."

"You can't."

"Why not?"

"Because I've been sober for 330 days."

"Regina would be proud of you."

"Let's leave my daughter out of this."

It was true, Regina would be proud of her for staying clean for 330 days. After the night Barba found her, she hadn't been able to stop drinking or popping pills here and there. It took her a month to find the strength to do something. She took two months off at work and spent them in rehab. She had been attending meetings every night since she got out. For the first time since her daughter's death, Olivia felt like she was in control of her life. It was a day-to-day battle full of temptations but she was winning. So, she wouldn't let a stupid accident tempt her and accept the pills. She was stronger than that.

"I'm sorry. You are right, she would be proud."

"So would he."

"Now, him we are leaving out of this."

"Okay."

"I," she looked at Maggie, "hear congratulations are in order."

"Nearly five months in order but thank you."

"Don't push it, Maggie."

"I'm kidding. You would like him. He looks a lot like Regina."

"So he looks just like his father."

"He truly does."

"What's his name?"

"Charles."

"Let me guess, he picked out the name."

"He did."

That didn't come as a surprise. Sixteen years ago as they listed names for their unborn child, Hank had suggested Charles. It was his father's middle name and he had wanted to honor him. Olivia promised him that would be the name if they had a son. But the boy never came. Regina was born and after that they decided not to have any more kids. Maggie had been the one to give him the son she never could. To give him the chance to honor his father in a way Benson never could. Once again, she felt like Maggie had completely occupied her place. That thought grew stronger as she saw the ring on the nurse's finger.

"I…I see more congratulations are in order."

"Oh," Maggie realized she had shown her engagement ring as she took off her gloves. "Thank you."

"I guess he came through after all." Olivia said as she stood up to leave the room.

"Olivia, wait. I'm not engaged to Hank."

"You aren't?"

"God no. I mean. I love him and I always will but I wouldn't marry a man who is in love with another woman."

"Well, congratulations to whoever the lucky guy may be."

"You need to go see him. You both need that."

"We don't. That chapter of our life is closed. He has a son to worry about and I wouldn't be good for them."

"I wouldn't want any other woman as my son's stepmom."

"I'm flattered but they don't need me."

"Why do you do that to yourself?"

"Do what?"

"Put yourself down like you weren't worth a million bucks."

"Because I'm not."

"You are!" She threw her arms in the air unable to believe what she heard. "You have the most amazing soul. You put others before you, which isn't always good but still. You give your very best every day. And you are loved. My god, Olivia, you are loved! Do you know what I'd give for my fiancé to look at me the way Hank looks at you? Yes, he fucked up and got me pregnant but he would give his life for you. Please realize that."

"If I were to talk to him, where would I find him?"

"Same place as always."

"Thank you, Maggie."

Hank's place wasn't far away from the hospital so she decided to walk there. She had no idea what she would say or do but, after everything Maggie had said, she needed to see his face. Olivia tended to put herself down because that was how she had been raised and only by his side she had learned to love who she was. The pills and the alcohol not only helped her forget about Regina's death, they helped shut down the voices in her head telling her she wasn't worth it. 330 days later, she still didn't feel she was good enough but she was getting there. She didn't want her worth to depend on a man but she knew he would help her see herself with a fresh pair of eyes.

"I'm coming," she heard that deep raspy voice that would make her knees go weak as she knocked on the door. "Am I dreaming?" He asked when he saw her face. "Olivia Benson at my doorstep."

"Hello, Henry."

"Are you lost?"

"Ha ha, very funny."

"What are you doing here?"

"What do you think I'm doing here?"

"I have no idea."

"I'm here to meet your son."

"Well, come on in." A small smile was drawn on his face as he closed the door behind her.


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