Voight led her to the baby's room and he still couldn't believe she was there. An entire year had gone by and he hadn't expected to see her face again. She hadn't changed much and in his eyes she was still the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. He had missed her presence, having her around. He had missed hearing her voice, her laughter. He had missed everything about Olivia Benson but he had no idea how the future would turn out. What did it mean that she was there? What did it mean for them?
"Hank, he is so beautiful. He looks just like Regina."
"He does, doesn't he?" Hank could see the tears in her eyes.
"He looks just like you."
"Everyone says that but I don't see it."
"Yes, you didn't see it with Regina either." She shoved him gently as she leaned over the crib and looked at the sleeping baby. "May I pick him up?"
"You do realize it took me hours to get him to sleep, don't you?"
"You were always terrible at that."
"Hey," he pushed his hips against hers as she chuckled. "Go ahead."
He watched Olivia pick Charles up and a huge smile was drawn on his face. It reminded him of the first time he saw her holding Regina. She had been terrified to drop her but she was a natural and the baby girl had immediately fallen asleep in her arms. Olivia and Regina together had always been his favorite sight. He kept photos of them on his desk at the office and a couple in his bedroom. They were always on his mind. And there she was in his house holding his son. He wanted her to be part of his life, to be there for Charles and him. He knew that was his and Maggie's family but he wanted Benson to be part of it.
She paced the room and kept her eyes on Charles. He did look just like Voight, which kept bringing Regina to her mind. Olivia missed her daughter every day of her life but that night she felt closer to her. She didn't know if it was because Hank was there or because she was holding Regina's brother in her arms. The tears kept threatening her but she didn't want to cry. Not even if they were happy tears. Because she was happy to see him again. Happy to see he had his son to keep him company.
"He is so little."
"Don't say that to Maggie cause she'll kill your ass." He chuckled. "He rejected her milk so now he can only drink formula. He started growing in these last three months."
"But he is strong. He'll keep growing."
"Yeah, he is."
"Just like his father." Olivia raised her eyes from Charles and looked at Voight. "How have you been?"
"I don't think I know the answer to that." He leaned against the wall and crossed his arms over his chest. "There are days when I think I'm doing great but then something happens and I go back to being sad." Hank couldn't believe what he was saying but he couldn't stop the words from leaving his mouth. "I love having Charles. He is the best thing that could have happened in the last year but I still miss our daughter."
"I miss her too." She placed Charles back in his crib and stood next to him. "But she would have wanted us to try and be happy."
"Are you happy, Benson?"
What was she supposed to say? I haven't been truly happy since our divorce? Losing our daughter just took my last breath of hope away? She couldn't say that because she didn't want to be a burden. Hank wasn't her husband anymore and he didn't have to put up with her mess. She didn't want him to know how truly broken she was because she was trying to be better. But for some reason she felt like telling him the truth. It had always been that way. Whether he tried or not, Hank always managed to make her be honest with him but, most importantly, with herself.
"Do you want to hear the truth or the pre-written speech?"
"What do you think?"
"I haven't been genuinely happy since you left me standing at the precinct that night. Regina was the light of my life and because of her I always did my best to be happy. Since her death, I have been a mess and I don't think there's a drop of happiness left in me."
"Your life sounds depressing."
"You asked."
"For the pre-written speech," he said with a chuckle.
"Henry!" She smacked his chest and, for a moment, it felt like the old times.
He grabbed her arm before she could pull away. "You are going to wake Charles up." He walked out of the room pulling her with him. "Want a drink?"
"Just a glass of water."
"Water?" He raised her eyebrow at her.
"330 days sober. Thank you very much."
"I'm proud of you, Benson."
"Always wanted you to be proud of me."
"Always have been."
And he wasn't lying. He had always been proud of her. He was proud of the detective she had been. He was proud of the Sergeant she had become. He was proud of the Lieutenant she was. He was proud of the way she would always stand up for the victims, the survivors. He was proud of her as a mother always putting their daughter first. He was proud of her as a woman, the strongest he had ever met. Yes, she had made mistakes –they both had– and things had turned out differently than expected, but he was and would always be proud of Olivia Benson.
"You don't have to drink water because of me." She said as they sat on the couch in the dark living room.
"That's okay. I can be healthy for a night." He laughed and could feel her smiling. "You sneaked out of the conference?"
"I was there for a while and I ran into Al."
"I bailed on him."
"Was it because of me?"
"Do you want to hear the truth or the pre-written speech?"
"What do you think?" Olivia said mocking him.
"You never come to this thing but something inside me was telling me you would show up. So, I had someone check if you had confirmed your attendance. I wasn't ready to face you, Olivia."
"Why not?" She said in a whisper as if she were too scared to ask.
"Because last time I saw you, I had played a big part in breaking your heart. The last thing I did was hurt you." He moved his hand on the couch until he reached hers. "I'm sorry."
"Now I understand you didn't want to hurt me. It's not like you wanted to get Maggie pregnant, right?...I'm just kidding." She could feel him rolling his eyes. "You have nothing to be sorry about."
"I do. I am sorry I wasn't able to keep Regina's promise."
"That's on both of us, Hank. We both had a promise to keep. I guess life got in the way."
"Life shouldn't get in the way of love."
"But it did and we can't change that."
Olivia loved him and she knew she would love him for the rest of her life. But in that moment, as his hand was resting on top of hers and they sat in the darkness, she understood they weren't ready to be together again. Yes, he did love her and she knew he would go to the end of the world for her, but she wasn't ready to be with him again. If she said that aloud, everyone would say she was crazy, that they belonged together, and it would be too hard for her to explain why they still needed time. She was still figuring out her life; it had become an everyday battle with her addiction and she had to continue focusing on that. When it came to Hank, he still needed time to stop blaming himself for Regina's death and allow his heart to fully love Charles without feeling guilty over their dead daughter. They both had issues they needed to solve separately and only when that happened, they would be ready to solve the problems they had as a couple. It wasn't a no. It was a promise for later.
"We aren't ready to be together again, are we?" Hank spoke as if he had read her mind. He wrapped his arm around her shoulder pulling her into him and Olivia rested her head on his chest.
"I don't think so. We still have things to figure out."
"I agree but I don't want to spend another year without seeing you."
"Do you want to go back to young Benson and Voight?"
"You mean traveling back and forth?"
"Yes. I know we can't go another year without seeing each other. Particularly because I need to see that handsome son of yours more often. So, maybe we can travel every other weekend or once a month."
"I am willing to do that. Small steps. But to see Charles you would have to come here because I don't think Maggie would let me bring him to New York."
"Well, she did say if her son was going to have a stepmom, she would want that to be me."
"She did? Wait, when did you talk to Maggie?"
"Today. The taxi I was in got in an accident and I cut my forehead. She was the one to do my stitches."
"I wish I had been a fly to spy on both of you."
"Oh I know."
Maggie would bring up Olivia at least once a day. She knew how much Hank missed her and wanted them to be together. Maggie liked Benson and she couldn't deny she was the perfect woman for Voight. But she was overprotective when it came to Charles and he was surprised she had already imagined Olivia as the little boy's stepmom. It made Hank believe that the possibility of Benson being in Charles' life could become a reality.
"I want you in our life, Benson. I want Charles to know the woman I'm in love with."
"He will. One step at a time and maybe we can be a family one day. If Maggie lets me because I don't want to cross any lines."
"She already said she would be okay with you as his stepmom. I think she accepted the idea before we did."
"She was always smarter than us."
"No one is smarter than you, Benson." He kissed the top of her head as he reached for his phone. "Hello?" Hank stood up as he listened to Trudy Platt on the other side of the phone.
"Hank, sorry to bother you on your night with Charles."
"It's okay, Trudy. What do you need?"
"Is there any chance you could come in? We need you to go undercover because this case isn't going anywhere."
"Alone? These guys have only been in touch with couples, Trudy."
"I know. We are trying to find you a partner because we all know you and I do not look like a couple trying to have fun."
"You've got that right." Hank chuckled as his eyes met with Benson's. "I have someone. I'll be at the precinct in an hour." He hanged up still keeping his eyes on her. "Benson, still good at undercover?"
"Me? Are you sure? I am just getting back on track after everything."
"I trust you and I will be with you."
They were in his car on the way to the hospital. He had called Maggie to let her know he had to drop Charles off. As he drove, Olivia went through the files he had given her. There was a group of people –four men and a woman– who rented out teenagers to couples who wanted to "have fun". The Intelligence team had been working on the case for almost four months and they still hadn't been able to put an end to it. Maybe by going undercover they would find the way to stop them.
"You ready?" He asked as stepped into the precinct.
"I think so."
"Okay, listen up. This is Lieutenant Olivia Benson from Special Victims Unit in New York and she is here to help us. I brought her up to speed. Benson," he looked at her, "this is Halstead, Dawson, Ruzek, Atwater and you already know Olinsky. Trudy will help you get ready."
"Nice to see you again, Olivia."
"Likewise, Trudy." Olivia said as she followed the woman out into another room.
"Ready to go undercover?"
"I think we know how to play a married couple."
There was a long red dress she had to wear. As she changed clothes, she was reminded of the first time they had gone undercover together. They had always played a married couple; probably because they didn't have to pretend much. With Hank as her partner, Olivia always felt safe. It had been a long time since she was out on the field but she was happy to be back with him.
"Wow."
"What?" She turned around and saw him standing in a black suit.
"You look stunning."
"You don't look too bad either."
"Ready?" He put his arm out for her.
"Let's do this, partner." She said as she linked her arm with his.
