Summary: An intimate relationship between two people is a beautiful thing. When the past rears its stubborn head, will their still new relationship survive?
Follows: "From out of Nowhere" and "Just Let Go" in the "Odyssey" Series
BETA – for this chapter back when it was written – 08/28/2012- Gottahavemyncis - Thank you.
Originally written as a surprise pick-me-up for Shelbylou
His heart skipped a beat when he finally came across the man who had rocked his world so completely that there was no turning back. He was standing at the window, curtain in hand as he leaned against it looking out. There was something about the slightly slouched posture that drew attention to the fact that the man obviously had something less than pleasant on his mind...
Lying back against his lover, Tim felt truly cherished for the first time in his adult life. Their arms wrapped around each other as they lazily took the time to recuperate from the last 48 hours of the nearly constant exertive mutual pleasuring. Even with all the pleasure and as cherished as he felt, he still found his mind returning to that one niggling thought that would not go away. When he'd woken up earlier that morning, Leroy was standing at the window looking out, completely lost in his thoughts, an obviously unhappy train of them. What had been playing on the man's mind?
Although Tim had tried to hide the insecurities still stubbornly hanging on, even if only by a thread, Leroy had quickly routed them out and sent them packing for good. The older man reaffirmed his hope that Tim could let go and be himself completely without worry. While setting Tim's mind almost entirely at ease, he now worried about what his lover had earlier been unhappily contemplating.
As his thoughts stubbornly dug in to this new worry, his hands seemed to feel his need to relay his now constant desire to make Leroy feel as much pleasure as possible; beginning to caress his arms where they held Tim securely, even while the older man lie still in sleep. Try as he might, Tim couldn't keep the emotion out of his touches any more than he could keep the worry out of his thoughts.
Leroy stirred under the physical caresses he felt though his pleasant dream. Raising one of his hands from Tim's, he ran his fingers down Tim's hair at the younger man's ear as he spoke quietly into the peaceful silence. "Hey."
As his emotions ganged up on him and left him undecided whether he was ready to devour the man or hug him, Tim found he couldn't look at Leroy. He gave voice to the first thing that came to his mind, although he couldn't quite control his tone as the words left his mouth, his voice sounding husky. "Feel rested?"
"Tim?" Leroy picked up on the internal war through the timbre of the younger man's voice. "Talk to me."
Taking his lover's hand back into his own, Tim held onto it as the lifeline he felt he needed right now, sighing heavily without answering as his gut clenched with tension.
"Tim?" The older man's repeated question now sounded genuinely worried.
Tim knew he had no way to avoid answering Leroy' concern and did not want to worry Leroy any more than he wanted to tell him the truth. The truth won out, as it always would with Tim. "You said we're in this as equals."
"Meant it too." Leroy' quiet tone matched that of Tim's, although his heart was rising up into his throat at the possibility of where this conversation was going, of what could possibly be weighing on Tim's mind.
"Completely honest and open, being ourselves." Tim reminded him of what Leroy had gotten him to understand was part and parcel of their budding relationship.
"Where you goin' with this, Tim?" Leroy worried, his voice continuing to allow the concern to be heard.
"You were upset about something when I woke up earlier this morning. Whatever you were thinking about wasn't good." Tim pointed out.
An uncomfortable silence descended around them, almost as deafening as a sonic boom. For a long moment, it remained all that there was between them in the room. After what seemed like an eternity, Leroy sighed deeply as he gently slid out from behind Tim and got up out of bed.
"Nuthin' for you to worry about, Tim." He offered quietly before walking naked around the bed to the bathroom and quietly closing the door behind him.
Tim remained frozen in place where Leroy had just left him sitting. He wasn't sure what had felt like the bigger slap, the fact that the older man had just left him like that or the way he'd closed the door between them, as if he had just literally shut Tim out. Or maybe it was the way he had verbally shut Tim down instead of doing as he'd been urging and expecting Tim to do all weekend – open up.
Whichever issue it was kept Tim from acting on any of it, as if by remaining frozen in place that hurt would just dissipate instead of penetrating his recently recovered heart. A mental fog quickly surrounded him so that he never heard the bathroom door open. He wasn't aware of Leroy finishing in the bathroom, that he'd showered and changed into a fresh pair of boxer briefs or that the man was standing in the doorway between the two rooms, looking at Tim with abject concern in his eyes.
"Tim."
Hearing his name called from beneath the fog, Tim blinked and looked over at his lover, albeit silently, unsure of what to say or what was coming next.
"Didn't mean that the way it sounded. But it was the truth. It's nothing to do with us so it's nuthin' for you to worry about."
Tim shook his head as he sighed. Getting out of bed, he picked his boxers up off the floor and quickly stepped into them. Still not saying anything, he scooped his change of clothes from the chair and snagged the towel off the closet door handle, all while silently making his way around the bed. Coming to a stop as he passed in front of Leroy and reached the bedroom door, he opened the door and looked at Leroy. "This works both ways. We can't have secrets from each other. If you can't …." Tim sighed painfully. "Never mind." Walking from the room, Tim took the stairs toward the guest bathroom.
In a moment of complete frustration, Leroy bit out. "Damn it, McGee!"
His lover's words reached him, hitting him like the lash of a whip, nearly toppling Tim off the stairs. Only his instant tightening of the grip he had on the stair railing kept him on his feet. Without a word or a move to turn around to face the older man, Tim swallowed hard around the lump that rose up in his throat before slowly continuing on his trek to the bathroom downstairs. He closed and locked the door behind him as soon as he had made it inside, then leaned back against it, let his clothes and towel drop to the floor, clenched his fists and let out a silent scream of frustration.
***NCIS***
Leroy swore. The last thing he wanted to do was hurt Tim and he had not meant to shut him out or hurt him the way he knew he had just now. The truth was he didn't want to burden him with his own personal pains and sorrows from the past, rising up like a phoenix and refusing to be passed over for a new love. He knew that Tim was not only well aware of his undying love for Shannon and Kelly, but also very sensitive to anything that might remind Leroy of them. That was why he wasn't willing to hurt Tim further by letting him know that they'd come back to his conscience with a bang this morning and it had hurt all over again. Only this time it felt worse because he'd felt a wave of guilt along with the memories, as if he'd just betrayed them and they were coming to tell him so.
Having Tim innocently reach out and dig at the pain awash in Leroy' heart this morning had been a shock. It had bruised the older man's soul, realizing that he needed to keep Tim shut out of this part of himself, to protect the younger man. Tim would undoubtedly see it as distrust, which had been exactly what Leroy had been thinking when Tim had physically reached out and pulled him back early this morning.
Now he had probably managed to confuse Tim enough that the younger man was likely convinced that Leroy did not intend to be open and honest with him. Even though he'd encouraged Tim to do just that - to let go – and had made it plain that was what he wanted from Tim, and promised him that their relationship was to be on an equal basis. God, what a mess!
The **Click** of the guest bathroom door closing downstairs sounded loud in his ears as it reached Leroy. He remained frozen in place in the middle of his bedroom, trying to figure out what he needed to do next. Feeling as though he'd just stabbed himself in the heart, he swallowed hard around the lump of regret that now left him feeling bereft and nearly hopeless.
Knowing it was useless to try to function without coffee; Leroy forced his feet to move and headed downstairs, although at a much slower pace than normal. As he reached the guest bathroom door, he couldn't help but stop and listen for any signs of his lover's distress. Surprisingly enough, all he could hear was the sound of the shower. Tim was as silent as a shadow and for some reason that worried the older man more than the young man's attempt to express his frustration a few moments ago.
***NCIS***
Once the momentary impulse to let his emotions take control had passed, Tim wiped the unwanted moisture from his eyes and moved away from the door, picking up his clothes and his towel and setting them near the sink. Needing the relaxing heat of the shower, he quickly stepped into it, remaining still as the nearly scalding water cascaded relentlessly down on him. Deliberately not allowing himself to wallow in the negative thoughts that had crashed through his brain at the onset of this mess, Tim found that it was not long before his rational, logical brain waves re-engaged and everything began to make sense.
Leroy wasn't a talker and he wasn't used to having anyone in whom to confide. He had been a loner most of his adult life, thanks in part to his jobs and his less than successful attempts at marriage after the tragic deaths of Shannon and Kelly. It wasn't fair to expect him to change overnight. Hell, the man had let Tim in on so much more of a personal level in the last 48 hours than Tim had ever expected to see from him in this lifetime!
There was no way Tim could fault the man for not yet being able to just let go and let Tim in completely. And while he didn't know Leroy intimately enough yet to know exactly what was on his mind, Tim did have a fairly good idea, based on what he already knew about him. Leroy had loved and lost; loved deeply; lost tragically and there was no way he wouldn't still be feeling that – even when, maybe most especially when taking a new lover.
Rinsing out his hair, Tim paused for a minute, as his heart seemed to stop. What if the man was feeling guilty now? What if he felt like he'd just betrayed Shannon? Oh, God! With all of his own insecurities on his mind, Tim hadn't even thought of what Leroy might have been feeling! How the hell could I be so damn selfish? God, that's just inexcusable! After everything he's done to try to put me at ease and show me that I do deserve to be treated better than I have been? After rescuing me from my own stupidity in that club? God, what a selfish…. I've been!
With his heart up in his throat now, Tim was quick to finish his shower. Drying off quickly, he donned his clothes, roughly ran a comb through his hair and wiped the mirror down before hanging up his towel and boxers so he could easily grab them and throw them in his bag later. Stepping out of the bathroom, he paused to listen for telltale signs of where Leroy would be.
The smells of fresh coffee and bacon and eggs wafted through the air and reached his nose, causing Tim's heart to slightly ease the constricted feeling. Maybe things weren't as dire as he thought they were. If the man was cooking breakfast, it couldn't be all bad, right?
Whoa, Tim! Doesn't mean you're off the hook! You still owe him a whopper of an apology. Better hope to hell he's not too weighed down with those memories of his to feel comfortable with this or the last 48 hours will be all you'll have to remember.
With that sobering thought blaring through his mind, Tim felt his heart constrict painfully once more. He did not know if he could take it if this was the end, even if he could completely understand it. Swallowing hard around the unexpected lump in his throat, Tim forced his feet to move toward the kitchen, toward the inevitable conversation that would most likely be his 'good-bye'. Deep down, he realized, even if that was the way this was going, he had no regrets. Except of course, whatever pain this had brought to the older man.
As he reached the doorway to the kitchen, Tim stopped in his tracks at the sight before him. There Leroy stood, nestled into the corner of his counter where it curved; with his back to the coffee maker, one hand holding his coffee mug and the other holding his paper in front of his face as he read it. The picture of contentment. It brought a smile to Tim's face and a full measure of relief to his heart to see Leroy at peace, especially after those earlier moments that had been fraught with tension. Before he could move on into the kitchen, Leroy lowered his paper and looked over at him. "Hey."
Tim was quick to step over to him, not stopping until he stood toe to toe with him, their personal space inter-twined. Lifting one hand, he brushed Leroy' hair back from his face; a gesture he had discovered did just as much for Leroy as it did for him. "I owe you an apology." He spoke softly into the tension-filled silence.
"For w…?"
The older man's confusion brought a tender smile to Tim's face and he placed his finger gently against Leroy' lips, effectively silencing him, even if the older man did manage to stand up straight now. "I shouldn't have pushed you like that and I understand if you're not ready to let me in. I know you'll let it work both ways when you can. But I need you to remember, that if you need me; when you need me; I'll be there for you."
Removing his finger, Tim kissed him chastely before turning around and leaving the room. He needed to give his lover some breathing room and give himself the space to cool his jets before he lost control of the situation and ravished the man over the breakfast table.
Leroy felt the air whoosh out of his lungs and he sat down before his knees could give out on him. He didn't know what the hell had just happened; but he did know that Tim McGee had just proven himself to be one hell of human being. How had things turned around so completely in such a short time? The bigger question was where to go from here? He hadn't known what to expect from Tim after what had happened upstairs, but yet somehow a tiny voice in his head reminded him that knowing Tim's penchant for always putting others first, he shouldn't have been surprised by Tim's behavior just now.
Before he could stop himself, Leroy turned breakfast off and followed in Tim's wake out of the kitchen. Checking the living room first, he felt relieved when he found the young man sitting on the couch, his head back against the wall and his eyes closed. His heartstrings tugged at the sight and the realization of what Tim was admitting hit him hard.
"Thank you." Leroy attempted to say, but found the words came out choked and at half-volume.
Tim's eyes snapped open and he came off the couch in a single motion, meeting Leroy where he stood before the older man even realized he'd moved. Without touching him now, Tim stood only an inch from him and concern oozed from his quietly asked question. "Are you okay?"
"I'm fine." Leroy promised him, meeting his gaze and not looking away.
"Do you… do you want me to go?"
Tim's shaky voice nearly broke Leroy' heart as he stared incredulously at his young lover. "Why would I want you to …?"
Taking one of the man's hands in his own, Tim looked down at them now. "I know this is tough for you – and this isn't just about me – at least- it shouldn't be. It has to be right for you too – comfortable for you and it's obvious that it's not." Tim couldn't bring himself to voice the fact that he knew this newly budding relationship was actually hurting Leroy where his deepest memories meshed with what he felt in his heart. Somehow he knew that the older man would understand what he wasn't voicing.
Leroy could feel Tim quivering with nerves as the younger man laid himself bare- offering to end things because he thought it was too hard for Leroy. Watching Tim speak from his heart while staring at their joined hands brought a small smile of sadness to the older man's face. If he didn't know any better, he'd swear Tim was letting him know he could tell Leroy actually hurt over this for his girls who would forever live on in his heart.
While his memories had haunted him this morning, this young man's generosity of spirit in this moment, gave Leroy the opening to choose his memories over him now and that was something that Leroy could not, would not do. Tim's big heart and genuine offer to let him turn his back on all they had begun eased the guilt and the sadness. Leroy could not let him go, not after the incredible last couple of days they had just shared opening themselves up to each other in trust and support, the incredible relationship they had just begun to build on with each other. Using his free arm, he reached over and gently pulled Tim to him, wrapping him up in his arm and bringing him in to his chest, speaking quietly in his ear. "I'm not sending you away, Tim. I meant what I said. I'm not leaving you. "
Tim nodded that he'd heard, even as his body remained taut with tension. Tension he wasn't quite ready to let go, as if he expected Leroy to change his mind. His lover again spoke softly. "I'm sorry I broke my promise to you."
The heartfelt apology crossed Tim's ears quietly, bringing an immediate shake of the young man's head in silent rejection of blame. He found himself being hugged even closer as the next thing Leroy had to say reached him just as quietly. "I promised I wouldn't hurt you and I did."
At this admission, Tim pulled back, forcing Leroy to release him. Taking the older man's hands in his own, Tim looked him straight on. "Don't do this, please. You didn't do it on purpose and we both know that."
Leroy nodded silently, his eyes searching Tim's.
Now it was Tim's turn to pull Leroy in, holding him lovingly. "If you're not letting go of me, don't expect me to let go of you." Tim choked out as he laid his head down on Leroy' shoulder and just hung on.
Time had no meaning as they stood there just holding each other as the emotions they couldn't voice quaked through them, leaving them bonded to each other even more tightly than they'd been when they'd woken up earlier, before they'd first spoken to each other.
As his heart silently rejoiced that Leroy wasn't sending him away, wasn't giving up on him or on their new relationship that meant the world to Tim, the younger man found that his libido hadn't stopped working, even amidst this emotional squall they were working their way through. Still holding on to the older man, Tim could not help but begin to feel his body begin to respond to being this close to the man he couldn't get enough of. However this time, it seemed inappropriate so he remained still and said nothing, choosing instead to remain locked in this moment he knew would probably never come again.
Leroy stood still when Tim pulled him in and wrapped him in his arms. When the younger man had choked out those words, laid his head on his shoulder and hugged him, it had been all the older man could do to just return the embrace and let him feel secure. What he wanted to do was throw him down on the couch and sink himself inside the younger man, take him to the top and let him fly over that edge, over and over again; show him exactly how much he wanted him; needed him.
But, the longer he stood locked in this silent emotional outpouring now, the less he felt the need to physically show Tim anything more and the more he felt the pull to let Tim know what he needed him to understand. It had to be expressed in this moment right here, right now, as they fed from the other's need to emotionally stand strong for the other, even if no words were spoken, especially since no words were needed.
Leroy couldn't help but smile softly as he felt Tim's body begin to stir at the close proximity of their almost completely connected bodies. One thing was for certain, and that was that Tim was definitely a hot-blooded male with a healthy sexual appetite, even if the younger man did still firmly believe it was too easily triggered. Knowing Tim knew by now that everything was more than okay between them, he kissed his lover's temple and quietly spoke to him. "You hungry?"
"Starving" Tim answered, his tone leaving no room for doubt. As he picked his head up and stepped back enough that they could look into each other's eyes, it also became clear that Tim wasn't talking about food.
"Me too" Leroy answered back in kind, as he took Tim's hand, pulled him back to his side and walked side by side with him back upstairs.
