There is something off. I feel a lump under my arm, I smell the wonderfulness I have been for the past how ever many hours. I nuzzle into it and the hard muscle gives way to down and cotton. This isn't right.

I watched and waited, I tried for an hour or so to wake him to no avail. Then as he laid there I started watching. His breathing was even and steady. His color was good, he looked comfortable. I left once to get some waters, one on each side table. That was it. That ws when the sun was just about to set.

I watched him, the way his face was soft then relaxed. Only for his head to move side to side and look hurt. After a bit I got brave and when he got like that I touched him. His hair at first. Scared to death I touched his hair and threaded the tips of his curls through my fingers. I watched as they passed through my finger tips and was fascinated before I realized it he was calm again and facing me. He was flat on the pillow and I was propped up on my elbow.

So much crap, too much crap. Really why would he have stayed. I'm glad though he was there.

Fifteen years or so ago I had poured the poison. I had come in after track. He was there doing his thing, no clue why he was there but he was. Him and me, I spotted him there and. I move my face to bury the memories into the pillow I am now cuddled up to. I wish my mind would stop. I wish I had the ability to forget.

I wish charges had been filed I wish I could have paid for it and just been able to erase it all with hate or something other then this. This empty pot of hwo could I, why the fucks and what nows. Nope I am stuck here, no price paid, not a sentence served nothing.

Nothing but a heart full of regret and I am pretty sure now hurt. I think I was realizing what this has been. It was a fantasy type shit but I am pretty sure the ache there was not only guilt. It was something in the heart too.

I feel some stinging in the eyeball type region. There is some twitching and all that goes with it. I curse myself, this is what it is like to feel. Huh. Interesting.

Turning my face into the smell and softness of the pillow I wonder if I can smother myself.

I hear a noise and a creak and then the boom.

"Can we ask What the FUCK is this?" I bolt upright. I am shocked he is there and terrified by what is in his hand. It is the thing that had me on my last knot for the past two days.

At this moment I don't know what scared me more. The beast filling the light at the end of my bed or the dark path he is holding in the form of a needle.