Why the hell has it always been so hard? I just don't get it. Why the hell after all of it would you do this? I' sorry, I didn't think I just... I didn't know what to say actually so I went over it again and again in my head.
"I didn't touch it, I mean I did but not in anyway close to using it." Okay random ramblings were out loud. I was about to consciously speak but I felt a soft thud on the other side of the door almost even with my own head. I just wait and feel him in the same spot. "I didn't mean to get it. I mean I did but I don't know. Ang has been great. I never had a real friend before and she like just was there and listened and talked and I found I didn't want to kill her all the time as she droned on and on. So, um,"
I sigh and hope it is quiet enough for him not to hear it. I want to her him talk. This is the most I think I have ever heard him speak at one time. I want more but it is silent on the other side. I wish I heard more but nothing. My mouth is dry and I'm not sure I can even find my voice.
"I haven't had any real practice at this."
I guess my voice was strong enough because I hear a snort and a bark of a laugh. Then there is a long pause. Followed my a scurry and more retching.
"Open the door please." the memories at pounding at the door in my mind. I am trying to hold back the memories. The room is different, the reasons far far different. But I keep all those at bay. Then I do something I told myself for a long time I would never do. I stand up and put my forehead to the door once again and I beg. "Please, I need to know it's you. I need to see you are okay and I promise I won't yell. Right now that is. I can't promise about later, I mean I am kind of pissed and really deserve the right to but I won't"
I am greeted with a soft click and creak. I back up away from the door but not to far. I wait and see a soft beam of light and a very beaten down face greeting me, red swollen blood shot and beautiful. He looks like he has been strung out on god knows what for days. He is shrunk as small as his lanky six foot frame could possibly ever get, there is lord knows what on his, my, his, shirt. I let out a full breath for the first time in my life I think. He is a perfect mess and looks just like my insides feel. I grab him so hard I think I may have broken him but I crush him to me none the less. I am rewarded with his his hands fisting my shirt and his face buried in my shoulder.
"Can I please lay down now? I'm so tired." I hear it soft and it seems not even directed at me but all the same I pick him up and carry him to the bed. As I lay him down I strip the shirt off of him and lay him back.
"I'm sorry but this has to go, it smells." I get a weak smile out of him as I pull the sheet up over him. He grabs the pillow I had placed with him before up to his chin and settles down. I strip out of my slacks and keep an eye on him as he lays there with his face buried. I make sure and stay above the sheet but pull the top cover over and slide in next to him. My eyes never leaving him.
I feel resistance as I pull the pillow from his arms and put it behind my head. He is left curling into himself but I stop that on the spot. Getting comfortable I pry his arms from his side and his body to mine. He is stiff but I work with it, getting him to a safe spot I kiss the top of his head and rib his back.
"It's okay, you didn't tag but it's my turn to watch over again."
