Why the hell did I go the path I did? I could have had this the whole time. I huge warm chest beneath my face. A strong arm around me. Oh the woulda, coulda, shouldas. They fucking sting like a bitch. I have no idea what time or day it is, I just know that I feel the safest I ever have and the most undeserving.
There are no words for any of it, I have no idea where we go when he wakes up, but for now I am just going to soak it up and pray. They have a plan right, somewhere up there it is all mapped out. It has to be. There can't be any other reason for this to be so hard for this long. I have to believe in that, there is nothing left to go on.
I drift off with that hope of something playing out, because if all the rehabs have taught me anything, it's the pain gives to rewards and this is the hardest pain I have ever been through.
I wish my dreams matched the comfort when I drifted off but they weren't. Once again I was hit with memories. Recent ones they were tense and heartbreaking, a never ending loop of every moment that tells me he shouldn't be here. I wake a time or two, never opening my eyes but drifting back to sleep when I feel him with me. The last time I drift I wish for nothing, not a whisper or a shadow. I try to hang on to his warmth and solid form.
Drifting down I hear a scream, and painful gut wrenching scream of help, please help. I scramble to try and get to the top of a never ending staircase. My legs are burning, my heels hurt from pounding the concrete so hard. I hear the cries and they never stop, never get louder there is no reaching them or getting away from them. I am in a constant loop.
Just when I am determined to give up and sit down I feel a warm heaviness on my shoulder. There is an ease to everything. The crying and screaming is faint until it disappears. I fear if I look I will find myself alone, that it is all in my head again. But I take the chance and turn my head and look. Emmett is there, the fog is gone and my eyes are open. He is there, his hand running from the base of my skull down to my shoulder blades over and over.
"Welcome back." his sad smile tells me he has been watching my for some time. "I would ask where you have been but I am afraid I know the answer."
I watch him and his hand keeps moving. There is no sudden movements, nothing that will 'spook' me. Just even breathing and slow strokes. I feel the bile rise again and start to tense, my hand tries to push off his chest and his arm gets stronger on my back. Holding me to the bed.
"Uh-uh, nope we aren't taking the steps back. And you aren't moving unless it is to go shower. We have had to much of this shit. We need this. We need to shower too but that is about the only separation we are getting til this is done. One way or the other."
There is clearly no space to argue, no way I am getting out of this. He is right we should, but the thought of it all is overwhelming. Then it hits me, I have no idea what day it is or time.
"Work, shit I,"
"You're laying here with the boss. Nice try." the fight or flight is taking over my heart is racing.
"My probation, the terms with,"
"You're laying here with the boss." he keeps his tone calm and low and steady. It is rock solid.
"I haven't checked my phone in who knows how long. I mean Ang,"
"I talked to her before I came over here. She knows you are okay or I would have called her." he has it all planned out I guess. "The only way you are getting out of this bed is to take your ass in the bathroom and get in the shower. You stink just about as bad as I do."
I look at him again and there is no fucking with him. No way out. I feel his arm loosen on my back and I ease up, not taking my eyes from him I slowly push to standing. He's watching me, not in a threatening way just a no bullshitting way. I leave to bathroom door cracked and get in the hot shower.
