The hot water felt amazing and had me thinking clearer. I could find a base self. A place where I am sure this is all real. I know I am awake, I know I am clean, and I know he is here. That part has me unsure what to think though. I have been drowning in my own hell for so long but him on the other side of the door. What the hell was that that made me snap out of my own shit?

I know as I am letting the spray hit my chest and feel the steam clearing my head. I know exactly what it was. It was the pain in his voice. It was the same back then. I wanted the pain in his eyes to see I got to him in some way but the hearing how much put the brakes on. It was the fact that he had shit too. He had real pain too. And his was greater then mine. I wanted to do what ever I could to just make it stop. I would do anything to make it stop. If that meant pulling my head out of the proverbial ass then it was going to happen for him.

He was scared and all he wanted to do was see me then that was what I would do for him. Bile covered looking strung out, yup I let the knob fit in my palm and I made the choice to face it. Face it all.

I haven't been very clear on my own path for, well ever, I did what I did to look right, I did what I did to keep someone pleased and not cutting me off or out. I never wanted to do it, any of it but I did and I squeaked by. Now as I towel off and brush my teeth I have a strange feeling in my gut. I want to do this. Not for me in anyway shape or form but I want to do this for him.

I want to help him. I want to heal him, I want to make him feel like he is more then good enough, he is more perfect then all of us and not a single one of us is good enough for him.

After I throw on some clean boxers and a shirt I leave the bathroom feeling resolved. Dead set on yes we are going to get this shit figured out. The bed is empty, his clothes are gone. There is nothing there, just a dent in the bed where he had been. Panic sets in, I feel my heart sink, then,

"Hall-a-fucking- elujah" the most glorious sight ever, his shoes sticking out from the edge of the bed. Then the sound of the shower in the hall bath running. I send up a quick thanks to the beings above. Then I scramble, what the fuck do I have him to wear?