Author's Note: Hi! I thought I would have gotten this out a lot sooner, turns out, I'm a busy person. Sorry about that! Also, fanfiction like went down yesterday. I could read the stories but I couldn't get into my account so, it was supposed to be up yesterday :/.
Know that, this is an angst-y chapter, on Paul's part anyway. And he could be considered OOC, but I don't think so because it's all in his head, and we know outside Paul, and not the inside in-thought Paul.
hint: this is the most foreshadowing chapter ever. Pay close attention- to any detail ;).
Also, disclaimer, I definitely do not own the song. Three Days Grace gets all rights to their song Animal I have Become. If you wanna get into the mood of the part, you should listen to the song at Paul's part.
This is my favorite chapter, and I hope you guys enjoy it :)
Read&Enjoy :D
Chapter Eight: Thinking is a Dangerous Past-Time
ASH
I stare at the magazine in front of me. There's a picture of Paul and Dawn dancing as the front cover. Then in big bold letters so that nobody could miss, it says,
Dawn Berlitz & Paul Sicara: Sinnoh's New Couple? Pg.8
I'm guessing they're hoping to rack up big with this one, and I wouldn't doubt it for a second.
I'm really hoping this is all just a lie and to make sure of it, I call Paul.
After a couple of rings, he picks up.
"Hello?"
"Hey Paul, its Ash."
"Hey Ash, what's up?"
"Well your face on the cover of Sinnoh Now magazine." I could hear his sigh, "Paul, dad hasn't seen this yet, and I'll try my best to hide it from him, but this might be everywhere."
"Well, it's not true! Dawn and I are not a couple."
I sigh a breath of relief. It's not that I don't want him to be with Dawn but dad will hang him by his hair if he found out that the rumours were true. In my opinion though, I'd be sort of glad if they were together. Maybe through her, Paul will find it in himself to let go of his past.
"But –can you keep a secret?" he asks.
"Yeah, you know I can."
I can hear him sigh, "I kissed Dawn last night –or rather, this morning."
"No way!"
"Yeah way. I don't even know why, because normally I wouldn't but she said something –"
I laugh, "Are you kidding me? Of course you would. You even told me that kisses don't mean anything –"
"Yeah but this one was different. I felt like the first time I kissed…" He cut short. Fortunately, I knew who he was talking about. "Paul, you have to let go of that, it was four years ago and you can't change it."
He remains silent. I know he doesn't want to talk about this.
"Paul, just think about it, okay?" He grunts in reply. "I guess I should tell you something too," I continue, "I met a girl, her name is Lea."
"You like her?" he asks me.
"Yeah, well, I guess. She's cool and fun to be around."
"Sounds like –"
"But…"
"But what?"
I know dad isn't home but I open the door and turn my ear to the rest of the house to make sure. Once I made sure every voice I heard within those five seconds wasn't my dad's, I tell him.
"She's a Berlitz supporter, she's actually Dawn's best friend."
"Wow, never thought you'd betray dad." I stay silent. "I mean, it's strange that all of a sudden dad's concerned about what I do. He never did, he just gave me my freedom. He knows how I am, and all of a sudden this Dawn thing is bothering him as if this is unexpected; as if these actions were new.
"You were always the good child; always obeying his orders while I constantly kept breaking them. And now it's like the tables have slightly turned; I want to obey dad's orders and you're crushing on the enemy. It's as if we've rotated personalities."
I laugh sarcastically. "Oh Paul, I could never be as cold as you." He laughs at this. "So what are you going to do about this Lea chick?"
"I don't know…" and I hate that. I want to obey dad and continue being the good kid he always knew, but where does that get me? To Ignore Ville? Maybe I should be a rebel about this, just this once.
"Maybe I should take her out on a date or something, you know, to see if I actually like like her."
"That's the spirit, Ash. Finally taking after your big brother."
I chuckle, "Shut it."
PAUL
After I finish the conversation with my brother, I decide I need to think everything through to figure out my next step.
I sit up right on my bed and take out my iPod that I brought with me from home and turned it on as I put my headphones in my ears. I always do my best thinking when listening to music.
I put my iPod on shuffle and the first song that comes on is Animal I have become by Three Days Grace. I turn the volume up and close my eyes.
I can't escape this hell
so many times I've tried
but I'm still caged inside
It started with her.
Her
Amy
Amy, also known as the girl who changed my life; if I have to pick for the better or worse, I'd pick worse. I wasn't the way I am now before I met her, or while for that matter; it was the aftereffect that turned me this way. I can't really blame her though; it wasn't exactly because of her… but it was.
They
her parents
If I could put the blame on anyone, it would be them. It was their fault. They made her leave.
Amy was the only girl I actually cared about, the only girl I actually loved. They didn't like me though, and to this day, I still don't know why they didn't.
If I ever had a weakness, she was it.
Still is.
Her parents hated me so much that they would have done anything to get her away from me. They've tried many times until they did their best.
And they did.
They sent her to a boarding school in Unova so that she wouldn't have to see me again.
That worked out better than expected.
Because I never did see her again; she never made it to Unova. The blimp she was flying on got caught in a horrible, unexpected thunderstorm. After getting hit by lightning, it crashed.
There were no survivors.
They
her parents
Blamed me for her death; they said that if I didn't get involved with her, nothing would have happened to her and she wouldn't have died. If I wasn't dating her, she wouldn't have been on the blimp that killed her that day.
Somebody get me through this nightmare
I can't control myself
How could I let myself get close to anyone anymore? If I do, they might just end up in the same fate as
Her.
Amy.
So am I being punished? I suddenly might like Dawn and I only end up getting close to her because my mission is to assassinate her father.
That's rather ironic.
So what if you can see, the darkest side of me
No one will ever change this animal I have become.
I feel kind of stupid; kissing Dawn. It was what she said that made me do it.
"It means you're a lot harder to figure out than most people. That makes you sort of a challenge, and everyone likes a good challenge once in a while."
It just seemed like she accepted me, I'll admit… it was touching.
Know that I hate admitting to anything, it makes me feel weak.
My family accepts me because they have to. Other girls accepted me for my fame and fortune. Screw personality; that never mattered. Cold or sweet they wouldn't have cared.
I am defined by my name.
Paul Sicara.
Nobody ever really cares about the Paul part though.
Help me believe, it's not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal!
This animal, this animal
Ash wants me to go back to the way I was. He thinks Dawn can change me.
I doubt it.
I don't even know if I actually like her or like what she said so much that I kissed her. Either way, I don't want to be the rebound. Besides, I don't even think she likes me.
No, I don't.
It kind of bothers me actually; thinking like this. Going through my feelings. Like, who do I think I am? Ash? I do think about them, but not so damn obsessively. I think it has something to do with having nothing to do but to have conversations with people who hate you. I hate that I don't even know why. My only guess is that maybe because we're running against them and I haven't said the nicest things about them in front of the camera.
I believe it.
I can't escape myself
so many times I've lied
but there's still rage inside
I honestly feel emotionally exhausted.
Am I lying to myself? Probably. That's what's exhausting me; that I'm putting my own thoughts down and substituting it for another reality. I don't even notice it anymore; it automatically happens.
Something I do admit though is that I let Amy's parents get to me. No matter what I claim to say, I did blame myself for her death. Still do. That's why I can't get myself close to any other girl. Because I still think about her.
Ash tells me to get over it.
I laugh at his stupidity.
I'm not the same person I was four years ago.
And I'm not going back.
Somebody get me through this nightmare
I can't control myself
I hate myself
for telling Ash about Dawn.
I hate myself
for kissing Dawn in the first place.
I hate myself
for telling dad I'd do his dirty work.
I hate myself
for remembering her.
So what if you can see, the darkest side of me
No one will ever change this animal I have become.
Help me believe, it's not the real me.
Somebody help me tame this animal I have become.
But now what? What about Cyrus?
Do I go through with the orders my father gave me, or do I go with my… feelings?
I don't want to be known as a murderer, but Cyrus did single handily put us in the poor house. But then again, if he single handily did that, how do I get away with his murder? I would really like to know why he did it though, that might make things easier for me to get rid of the guy.
Help me believe, it's not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal
Maybe I should wait a bit. Earning Dawn's trust is a start, have I even accomplished that yet? I mean, I feel like I'm leading her on. I don't even know if I like her yet. Is that a bad thing? My conscience would say so.
Dawn could be like any other girl I've kissed… except she isn't. And I say this only because, as crazy as this sounds, I felt sparks. And they were as strong as the first time I kissed Amy. To be honest, that scares me. And it's so the same because Cyrus would never want me to be dating his precious Dawn. Why do I keep getting myself into this mess? It's as if I want to fall back into the same situation as before. Am I that pathetic to go for that again? Now I know how it's going to be with Dawn, I'm not an idiot, but I keep getting into these situations... Should I even attempt to do anything with her? My conscience would tell me no, because I'm only going to get hurt again. But my heart isn't having it.
And I'm not okay with that.
Somebody help me through this nightmare
I can't control myself
Somebody wake me from this nightmare
I can't escape this hell
The more I think about it, the more I start to believe I'm more of a puppet than a trophy son.
I just go along with whatever dad has in store, be it for the public or for personal reasons. I'm not a person to care what my father says, but if it involves him getting the throne I'll do it. It's what our family needs.
I do care, though, for my family. After all we've been through, we only deserve the best.
And if Cyrus is going to stand in the way, I'll just have to eliminate him.
This animal, this animal
This animal, this animal
This animal, this animal
This animal.
DAWN
So now what?
I kissed Paul twice. They both felt sort of the same. The both felt sort of the same. They both surprised me, that's for sure, but this one was… different. I can't quite describe it though.
Maybe it was a pity kiss? I mean, he did see me crying earlier, even if he didn't know why.
Kenny
Ugh! What do I do about him? We obviously can't be friends anymore. And I can't see him without feeling utterly embarrassed. I guess that's the end of that happy relationship.
Best friends to strangers… well, that transition didn't take very long.
Well, I do have Lea left. I haven't spoken to her in a while though… I should get onto that.
Now I'm getting off track.
Paul and kiss. Why? Let's go straight to Paul.
I walk out of my room and head two doors down to Paul's. The door is a crack open, but I knock anyway.
"Paul?" No answer.
I open the door and see him sitting up on his bed with earphones in his ears.
He's startled when he notices my presence.
"Dawn!" he yanks his headphones out of his ears.
"Hey, what's up?"
"Just listening to music; my head is usually straighter when I listen to music."
"Were you thinking about something?"
He pauses. "Just stuff." I take it he doesn't want to tell me.
"Well, I've been thinking too… about the kiss."
He doesn't answer for a moment. "What do you want to know?" he asks finally.
"Did it mean anything?"
I could tell he was thinking about his answer. "Honestly, I don't know."
"Oh," I look down. At this point, I don't know if I actually want it to mean something or not.
"Don't take it as a bad thing though," he says calmly. I slowly lift my head. "I just need more time to sort thing out."
I nod my head. I understand, I mean, even if he would have said it meant something, I would have to have thought it over 50 times before giving him a response.
I decide to let him be alone and close the door, but not before Paul calls my name again.
"Dawn," he starts, "could you tell me something and be brutally honest about it?"
I open the door more, step inside, and close it again. "What?"
"I don't understand something," he starts, "why do you guys hate me? What did I do? And it's not just you guys but even people in the streets. It's to the point where I doubt it's the elections anymore. I've tried to figure it out, but I always come up short."
This took me by surprise. "You really don't know? Your family has the biggest blame over their head."
He gave me a confused look, "what are we to blame for?"
"The death of my mother."
Author's Note: How did you guys like it? :D I hope Paul wasn't too OOC for you guys.
If you have any ideas to the foreshadowing, let me know.
Hope you guys enjoyed this chapter as much as I loved writing it.
Keep reading & review for them cyber hugs :D
PorcelainDollxx
