If it's not real
You can't hold it in your hand
You can't feel it with your heart
And I won't believe it
But if it's true
You can see it with your eyes
Oh, even in the dark
And that's where I want to be, yeah
-"Brick By Boring Brick" Paramore
XxxX
Sanji and Zoro only stayed the weekend in a hotel because Sanji was banned from the Baratie. Zeff forbid them from coming back until his death was imminent. Sanji hated how confident the old man was that he was going to die. Things could happen, body chemistry could change.
When they returned home Sanji was very quiet.
"You know he only wants what's best for you," Zoro commented as he watched Sanji sulk. The blond glared at him.
"My father figure is dying, I'd like to sulk about it, if you please," the blond sighed back. He was flopped over the edge of the couch so that his head was hanging upside down and is face was getting red.
"That's not going to help anything, you know."
"I know, but I can't help it."
Zoro walked toward him and stopped just in front of his head. Sanji sat up quickly, the blood rushing to his head. Instead of getting up like he had planned on, he fell back against the pillows of the couch, glaring up at Zoro.
"I just want you to be ready for whatever happens," Zoro said quietly.
"I'll do my best," Sanji sighed, but he didn't that it would help that much. The future was hurtling forward way too fast for his taste.
XxxX
They got the call about three weeks later that Zeff was on his last legs, or leg, as it were. He had been sleeping more time than he spent awake and the pain was starting to get to him. He was put on morphine when it got very bad. The blood transfusions weren't doing him any good anymore and his body was shutting down. Zoro drove down with Sanji and they stayed in the same hotel as they did last time but he did not go to the hospital with him, there wasn't a place for him there; this was something between Sanji, Zeff, a few members of staff from the Baratie.
Sanji made himself go into that accursed hospital with sheer force of will. He felt sick to his stomach as he walked into the small, clean room where Zeff lay surrounded by the others. No one was talking, Zeff was asleep, they looked up as Sanji approach and he nodded in return.
Zeff had an ashen compaction and his skin appeared tight across the bones of his cheeks. He had been gradually losing interest in food as the weeks had moved by. Sanji thought that this must have been the worst part about all of this, other than the dying. Dying was the ultimate evil here but for someone like Zeff to be put off of food by his own body seemed so very cruel.
Moments passed, he wasn't sure how long, sitting in the chair he mad not reference for any frame of time, but it felt like a very long time. It was horrible just waiting there with all the horrible hospital sounds, finally Sanji could take no more.
"What are we even doing here?" he demanded, "It's like we're just waiting for him to die."
The men who he had grown up with looked to him aghast, although he felt it was more out of trained social reaction rather then genuine offense. He was sure that at least somewhere deep down they felt the same way. That had broken the tension from there they talked and laughed, telling anecdotes about something or another that Zeff had done. It made him sad that they were talking about him like this literally over his unconscious body but it was better than the silence
They spent all day in the hospital, Zeff was awake only once and he wasn't lucid enough to carry out any conversation thanks to the morphine but at one point he did fix Sanji with a smile that read pride and that was enough. Sanji had seen that look very few times from Zeff and every time it filled him with happiness, like for once he was doing something right. He half hoped that he wouldn't have to come in the next day and suffer through another agonizing day of waiting but he also didn't want him to be gone.
He couldn't sleep at all that night and expected the phone to go off at any moment but it did not. Zoro had stayed up with him for a while watching tv and tracing small, soothing circles into the soft skin of his stomach avoiding his now mostly healed scars. They looked clean and straight now but they had been itchy and painful while they were healing. He was just glad that he had been properly closed up, he didn't like his flesh being cut open.
Zoro eventually fell asleep and Sanji got up early the next morning to the hospital again. He didn't receive the dreaded call until moments before he was about to enter the building.
Zeff was dead. He had died in his sleep. Sanji was glad that he hadn't been there. Zeff had always been an overwhelmingly strong figure in his life and seeing him yesterday had been bad enough. Watching him die would be like watching a governing force in his life slip through his fingers. It was better to just have him be gone suddenly, it felt less real somehow. Sanji was there when they were wheeling him away. He looked like he was sleeping when he had first come into the room although he knew that the body was empty now. It was so strange how that knowledge changed how the scene looked to him. If he were asleep then feel not much about it but knowing that he was dead made it feel odd, he could feel the blood rushing in his ears. He didn't want to see that body anymore after that.
There were some other people there, they were crying but Sanji felt strangely calm, like he was seeing and hearing everything from far away and underwater. He looked at them and then at the body being wheeled away, he felt strangely out of his own body. Carne saw him and asked if he was okay. He only nodded mutely, there were things to be done now, preparations to be made. He wouldn't have to alert any family, Zeff had no family. He only had to do the legal work.
Numbly, Sanji tried to think of what would happen next. He would have to set a date for the funeral, tell people who needed to be told, the body would be embalmed for a viewing, then cremated... No need for a useless empty shell to be buried in the cold ground under shiny rock that would last much longer than knowledge of who he was.
Sanji did not stay after that, he left as soon as he was able to go.
The day was long, Sanji did not allow himself any time to sit down, he went to the Baratie and plowed through an astonishing amount of paperwork. The restaurant had been closed for the day and there was no one there to tell him to piss off. He hadn't eaten all day and he ignored all of Zoro's texts. He had to keep moving forward or he was afraid he might drown and he wasn't ready to crash yet.
It was late when Zoro showed up to drag him away back to the hotel. Apparently, he had been searching for him for awhile and someone had let slip that Zeff had died.
The marimo opened the door to the apartment above the Baratie to find Sanji surrounded by papers. "What the fuck are you doing?" he demanded, "I've been trying to call you all day."
Sanji had jumped at the sound of the door but in seeing that it was just Zoro he relaxed. "Sorry," he said as he continued to sort through the tower of papers. "I was doing stuff."
"What are you doing?"
"Stuff."
"Are you okay?" Zoro asked cautiously.
"Fine, I just need to be alone for a while." His tone had an edge that carried an unsaid get the fuck out.
"So you can sort papers?" Zoro asked doubtfully, this sounded like a classic case of avoiding the issue.
"Yes, so I can sort papers," Sanji replied sharply.
"Nope," Zoro decided, "I'm not going to let you bottle this shit up."
"I'm not bottling it up, I'm being productive."
"No, you're bottling it up because that's what you do."
"I am not."
"Then why don't we go back to the hotel and you can continue to not bottle shit up.
"Because I don't want to," Sanji said stubbornly.
"If you stay here you're only proving my point."
"You're just trying to get me to leave."
"Yes, I am. If you have any advice on how to do it more effectively I'm open to suggestion."
Sanji huffed and stood, placing the papers on a counter top. "Fine, let's go. What do I care?" He let Zoro take his hand and guide him down to the waiting car.
Zoro was talking to him on the ride back but he didn't hear the words, he was watching the snow fall on the roads. The second snow of the year. His stomachs must have growled because they stopped at a store and Zoro had gone in by himself. Sanji didn't want to eat anything, he knew that he was being silly but at this point anything could break this deadly calm and he wasn't sure he was prepared for that to happen.
Zoro returned with a carton of raspberry ice cream and a box of plastic spoons. Sanji almost smiled, this is why Zoro was the best.
When they were back in their hotel room Zoro put the ice cream into Sanji's hands and turned to him. "Are you going to be weird and quiet all night or are you going to start talking?" Zoro asked as he sat on the bed.
Sanji carefully set the carton in the little fridge by the tv and sat next to him on the cushion. Hotel beds where always softer than his real bed he wasn't sure he he just usually slept on hard bed or if hotel beds were extra fluffy. Whatever, that didn't matter right now, he was trying to avoid this conversation.
Sanji's hand had somehow found it's way to the back of his neck and he fidgeted under Zoro's watch. He took a breath. "Zeff is dead," he said plainly, what more was there to say? He could talk about his feelings but he didn't want to feel anything right now. But once the words left his mouth the significance hit him like he knew they eventually would. He felt his strength leaved him and he sagged against Zoro's shoulder. He didn't cry, at least not at first. He only sat there, a blank expression on his face, thinking about how he could never see the man again. How was it so different than when he was gone in another city? It should feel the same but it didn't, it felt tingly, and sickening, and painful.
His stomach growled and he made a pathetic motion toward the fridge, he shouldn't have put the ice cream away. Zoro retrieved the ice cream and handed him a spoon. Sanji lifted a spoonful to his mouth, it was cold and sweet as it should be. He clutched the carton and as he ate the tears finally began to fill his eyes, stinging as he tried blinking them away. They fell silently, rolling in warm paths down his face. He kept eating, although the creaminess threatened to choke him. He only stopped when he took a shuddering breath.
Zoro took the ice cream away from him, he wasn't hungry anymore. That's when the real waterworks had begun. Zoro just sat there and let him get it out of his system as he cried and mumbled incomprehensibly. Sanji for a moment felt like the world was falling apart.
XxxX
Organizing things after someone dies turned out to be a lot of work for one person but Sanji was determined to do it all singlehandedly. He set up everything and pushed himself to the brink of sanity. He went through the process numbly.
The viewing and funeral service was held for the select few who were invited, Zeff didn't have many friends but he had enough. Sanji didn't like viewings, he had only been to one as a child and he vividly remembered the scene he imagined playing out as he looked down at the dead body. He imagined that he was just sit straight up and grab Sanji by the shoulders. His eyes and mouth would open to reveal only black holes and then Sanji would be eaten. He didn't think he would ever shake that memory even though he knew that it couldn't happen, it still freaked him out.
He didn't cry while he was there, even when everyone was telling stories about him, he had already let out all of his tears, he didn't have anymore to shed. He didn't have a very good reaction to death anyway. When he heard that someone had died his first reaction was to tell really morbid jokes that were very much not appreciated. There had been one time in high school when another student had died and they held a moment of silence for him. As soon as that moment fell Sanji felt an overwhelming urge to start laughing. He felt like a horrible person after that and he was very glad he had restrained himself.
Sometimes he just didn't know what was wrong with himself.
After the funeral came the cremation, an even fewer number were there for that event. As soon as Sanji knew that Zeff was in the furnace he started playing the sad Star Wars music that was played at the cremation of Darth Vader. He felt that it was the only thing fitting for such an event.
Going to the reading of the will was even more trying. As he had said, Zeff had not left the Baratie to him. This fact still stung him very deeply but on some level he knew he should appreciate it as a kindness. Sanji was, however, left a rather large amount of money. An amount that he could put toward something big, like his own restaurant. He knew that this was the point that Zeff was trying to make but it seemed to hurt him even more but in a different way. Zeff had done so much for him, given him everything, and what had he done in return? Nothing. It left him with an empty feeling inside. Zeff was dead and he would never be able to repay his kindness, that didn't seem fair.
By mid December nearly everything was settled and Sanji was back in Sandusky for good after having gone back and forth for the last few weeks. Zoro was glad to have him back full time.
Christmas was fast approaching along with Chopper's birthday and the gang was rushing around for presents. Sanji had always had a big Christmas meal with the Baratie staff but never really calibrated the holiday of Christmas. It left him feeling slightly aching at the thought that Zeff could no long be a part of that tradition or any other tradition for that matter. But despite his internal conflicts Sanji pushed through the holiday with large smiles and cheer. He didn't need to be so glum he had a therapist he could unload his feelings onto.
XxxX
Sanji stood on the sidewalk outside of the Thousand Sunny. He had been passing by on his way to work and stopped to think. It was early January, sometime around a year ago he had Zoro had first met. He smiled at that memory, it was the best thing that could have happened to him at the time. If not for that he had no idea where he would be now. He lit a cigarette swiftly in the cold air and continued his walk down the road. Ah, the twists and turns of life.
Elsewhere, Zoro was at work on the construction of a nearly finished house. It was cold but the day was clear so they were working quickly. He was distractedly looking for his nail gun, the same one he had somehow managed to shoot himself before. He was distracted because he always seemed to be distracted these days. He was too concerned with Sanji's mental state; the rational and the irrational.
When he had first heard Sanji's account of what had transpired in that month he was gone he felt like his stomach had bottomed out. He must have experienced some sort of mental break because the things he said were most certainly not from a sane mind. And the death of Zeff had done the opposite of lifting his mood. It seemed that cosmic powers of the universe did not want Sanji to be happy.
Zoro huffed, there wasn't much he could do now but try to put back together the pieces, not that it would be easy. It annoyed him very much that he couldn't immediately make everything better but he did his best.
As Zoro trudged up a hill, toward his car, where he must have left his nail gun, he became aware of a very sharp rock in his shoe. At the top of the hill he stopped on the edge of the parking lot to remove his footwear and dislodge the irritating object.
As he slipped his foot out of his boot, the soul slid out along with it. That had been happening a lot lately and it was incredibly irritating. Instead of slipping the soul back into place as he usually did, he pulled it out and shook out the boot. The little rock tumbled out along with a folded piece of paper.
The green haired man raised an eyebrow at the piece of paper. When the fuck did that get in there? He unfolded the paper quickly, curious to see it's inner secrets and decide why it was in his shoe.
There were a series of dates and a lot of information written on the paper but the latest date was marked for the day before Sanji's sudden return from wherever he had been taken and was written in his own blocky handwriting. The note detailed the circumstances of Sanji's kidnapping and an overview of the plan to get him back. He stared at the letter for a long time. This confirmed Sanji's story and he didn't remember writing it, maybe Sanji wasn't crazy after all. His rational mind told him that he was being ridiculous but the evidence was staring him directly in the face. If Sanji was right then that really sucked for a lot or reasons. If it was in fact true then he had made Sanji visit a therapist who was making him believe lies when the truth was infinitely more strange. The note did after all read: if you're reading this and you've forgotten what happened than they must have gotten to you and you better fucking believe this because Sanji has gone through too much shit for it all to be forgotten.
He could only imagine was it was like to remember things one way but having that be completely different than how everyone else remembered it. The question now was: what should he do now?
He folded the note back up and stuffed it back into his shoe. He retrieved his nail gun and got back to work. He had a lot to think about now, he was seeing everything with a very strange light now. He was already starting to feel paranoid.
Zoro rushed through the rest of his day in a feverish haze, the new information he had burned in his mind. He rushed home, as he stepped into his apartment the place felt alien and dangerous. He had no didn't know if they could still be tracking him or not, if all of this was true.
He listened intently as he stepped through the doorway. He heard no buzz or click that might suggest a motion camera. He did not turn on the lights and looked around in search of any strange lights given off from tiny points but saw none. He turned on his phone flashlight and shone it into all the mirrors he owned to make sure none of them were one sided. None were. Last of all he brought out his little crank radio and wound it up to play some shitty station, checking for any strange interference. There was none he could detect. None of these methods were perfect but they made him feel more confident in his actions. It was safe to assume his phone was being monitored but then so was every other American phone along with selective others. His was probably just being paid attention to.
When Sanji arrived home he was immediately enveloped into a warm hug. He was slightly startled because Zoro was never an overly touchy person but he did not complain, physical contact was always nice with him.
Zoro leaned close to his ear, "Let's go out," he suggested, leaning their heads together.
Sanji raised an eyebrow, "Where would we be going?"
"Just out on a drive." He had pulled back and something flashed behind his eyes, something that seemed a little off. Sanji wasn't sure if it was a good or bad thing so he cautiously nodded his head in approval.
"Alright, if you aren't going to tell me then I guess you'll be driving."
Zoro grinned at him and grabbed the keys leading them outside.
They were driving for a long time. As time went on Sanji grew more and more confused about where they were actually going. They were driving out of town, that was for sure but to where he had no idea.
"Hey, marimo, were the hell are you taking us?"
"Just wait and you'll find out."
"I've been waiting like twenty minutes and you're still driving. You aren't lost are you?"
"No, I know exactly where I'm going."
Eventually they rolled to a stop along the side of the road in the middle of bum fuck nowhere.
There was a pause as Zoro stopped the car.
"This isn't the part where you murder me and leave my body in one of these fields, is it?" Sanji asked mostly kidding but there was the tiny part of him that could believe it. Zoro did not respond to his question, making him even more nervous, all he did was tell him to leave his cell phone in the car when he left and get out of the car with a slam of the door.
"Yep, he's defiantly going to murder me," Sanji mumbled darkly but he followed none the less not far behind. "Hey, were the fuck are we!" He shouted as he caught up.
Zoro just shook his head and gestured for him to follow.
"Oh, come on, I'm supposed to be the weird cryptic one here, not you!" But he followed regardless of how unnerved he was. The walked to the end of the road that happened to turn off into a small and very old looking cemetery. Once they were inside Zoro sat on one of the short gravestones, looking with a scrutinizing gaze.
"What?" Sanji asked.
"I want to show you something," he said, still being very cryptic.
"Could you have picked a less creepy place to do it?" Sanji glanced nervously around the graveyard. It was dark and the moon cast strange shadows along the flat stretch of land. It didn't help that Zoro was sitting on one of the gravestones. Sanji was pretty sure that was somehow disrespectful but he wasn't quite sure how.
"It was the first place that popped into my mind." Zoro shrugged like it wasn't a big deal.
"Do you visit this creepy place often?"
"Nah, I just passed it one time and I happened to remember where it was."
"Wow, so I guess there really is a first time for everything."
"Shut up, it's serious time now."
"Okay, fine, so what was it you wanted to show me? If it is your dick I swear I will kick you over the fucking moon."
Zoro rolled his eyes. "Yeah, I drove all the way out to the middle of fucking nowhere just to show you my dick, now shut up."
Sanji huffed but fell silent. He watched as Zoro began to remove his shoe, a move that left him very confused. The green haired man soon drew out a scrap of paper and unfolded it.
"I found this in my shoe," Zoro said, smoothing out the wrinkled paper.
Sanji scrunched up his nose, "What was it doing in there?"
"I think I put it there," he said uncertainty.
Sanji raised an eyebrow. "What do you mean, you think?"
"I mean, I don't remember putting it there but it's written in my handwriting so I must have written it."
"What does it say?"
"See for yourself." He handed over the paper, which Sanji handled with care, squinting at the words in the darkness. He could only just make out it's message. His eyes widened as he stared at the neat, blocky letters. His stomach dropped. He didn't know how to feel about this. This note confirmed his original story and provided more detail than even he had been aware of. This note was dangerous.
"Are you fucking with me?" Sanji asked as he gaped at the paper. He had to be sure, the world could be so cruel sometimes.
"I drove all the way out here so there would be no chance of being heard or seen, do you really thing I would come all the way out here just to fuck with you? I'm way too lazy for that."
"Can you just give me a straight answer?"
"No, I'm not fucking with you."
Sanji sucked in a breath, "Does this mean you believe me about the abduction stuff?"
"Well, I have to don't I? The evidence is staring me in the face."
"Doesn't mean you can't still deny it." Sanji was having trouble wrapping his mind around this.
"But I won't, as crazy as it may be I think you need someone on your side for this and apparently I knew what I was getting myself into the first time, let's make the second time easier." He grinned.
Sanji nearly smiled as well but then an idea struck him. "What if I'm just imagining this?" he asked worriedly. He couldn't trust his eyes or any of his other senses. He was delusional after all.
Zoro's mind scrambled for a way to prove this event's reality. "I can only assure you that I am real and that this is really happening," he said perplexed.
Sanji thought for a moment, he dared not let hope rise in his chest. All of this could be fiction and he had no way of telling. He wasn't sure he he wanted this to be real or not. On one hand he would very much like to not be crazy but on the other this whole situation was overwhelming and things would en much easier if it were not true.
"Okay," said Sanji thoughtfully, "I have a plan to prove that it's real. Tomorrow at ten-o-clock we will meet somewhere else preferably not so far away. There you will have a piece of paper with a drawing of a man with a mustache on it. I will ask what it is and you will tell me that it's the great lord Cthulhu and then you with write the word 'true' on the top of the page. Got that?" It was complicated enough that it could not be duplicated by chance and he would have the evidence so long as he didn't throw it away. Maybe he was being overly cautious but he wanted to be completely positive that this was real. He didn't want to have his heart crushed again.
"The fuck?" Zoro made a face. "Could you run through that one more time?"
Sanji did and then they set up a place to meet. It was still in the middle of nowhere but much closer and less creepy. They did not linger long after that, they walked swiftly out of the graveyard and back to the car where they chatted lightly on the way home.
XxxX
The next day was hell. Sanji spent all day agonizing over the time as it seemed to pass more and more slowly. He nearly ran out to his car when it was time for him to leave work for the day. He drove quickly to the designated spot and stopped his car beside Zoro's. They were in a different area of farmland and there was thankfully no graveyard. The two men got out of the car, not saying a word, and walked to the end of the road.
When they stopped Sanji turned to Zoro expectantly. There was a pause then Zoro pulled out a piece of paper and began to draw, there was no flat surface available so he had to use Sanji's back. He preformed the routine perfectly and when he was done Sanji was overwhelmed with gratitude, he had so much he didn't know what to do with it all. So he just let it smolder in his chest as he pressed on in his questioning. "So what will we do now?" Beneath the gratitude was a feeling of sickness and fear. He now knew that it wasn't all in his head, he had an ally but what to do with that power?
Zoro paused thoughtfully, then grimaced. "What can we do? This is obviously over our heads." He was right. They had no clearance to go into high security facilities, the controversy over the video was dying down, their one contact had used them and then disappeared, and it was only the two of them who knew. What could they possibly do? They were two nobodies in the face of something much, much bigger than themselves.
This idea seemed to weight heavily upon both of them, they could both feel it hanging in the air like the stench of some horrible, dead animal. Sanji's good spirits were suddenly squished down and the hope that had flared was now nearly gone, replaced by emptiness. There was truly nothing they could do. So, the two of them stood close together on the edge of a field in the middle of nowhere and abruptly the world seemed like a bigger and scarier place. It was as if the sky could swallow them up because they were just so small. Sanji's eyes had been trained to Zoro but they now looked to the skies as if he were searching for answers there. As if some shard of evidence would fall from the darkness. Some sort of technology from an alien race that may or may not exist.
But there were no answers to be found, no easy resolution or remedy to their situation, and the world was a very cold place.
THE END
XxxX
A/N: Hi, guys. So this is the end technically because I hate endings so I kind of suck at them.
I had to read a lot of depressing stuff to give you this. It almost made me feel something inside, almost. I'm sure it's not 100 percent accurate medically but I tried my best.
I think Zoro would have clear, blocky handwriting and Sanji would have scribbly, hard to read writing. But that's just me.
Thanks.
