I want to scream out that I don't want him as a friend I want him as more but there is to much in the past to expect it. So I will take his friendship, I will take any grain or crumb he throws. Just him calling me friend will be enough I hope. It puts something warm and tingly in my chest region. I can't help but rub the spot there where I feel it. I give him a smile and try not to well up.
"Yeah I guess you are too." That warrants a smile out of him.
Once again I find myself awake at who knows what early morning hour, wrapped in a blanket or muscles, a bit to warm but feeling safer then I ever have. I remember the dreams were there again, I remember yelling and the clawing feeling then this. Safe haven. It is funny in a short few days I never knew.
There is a kiss on my head and his groggy voice. "Never knew what?"
I really seem to have a problem these days thinking out loud.
"I never knew what I was looking for, what I was hiding from or trying to make up for." These seem to be our honesty hours, here in the dark so I feel safe to say it.
"What was it?" He has shifted, I am still on his chest with an arm around me but he is on his back stretching his other arm. I search for words and try to keep the urge to look at him at bay. I know if I look at him and even catch an outline of his face I will chicken out.
"This, someone to hold me when I am scared and unsure. Someone to take the shit for so long but still want to be there in the dark, ready to grab a sword and take up the battle when the demons come back." his arm tightens on me and his other comes back down to rub my arm that is across his chest.
"We all need that, deserve that. Even you." It isn't meant harshly or critically. Just reassuringly.
"But from you?" even to me my voice sounds so unsure. And I feel the unworthy sneak in.
"Especially from me. If I can forgive and see the whys of who you are then who else matters?"
That was it, everything broke, the whole world melted to nothing, there was nothing else that could ever tear me down. Him here even if just for a few days then never again, him saying that is all I ever needed.
"I never want to leave this bed." The words are quite and said into his chest the only sign I have of knowing he heard me was the lips in my hair and the tightening around my ribs, and heart.
