Chapter Six: Transparency

When the worst things in your world are gone, new worse things will replace them.

Voldemort was gone, but so was Draco's father, and so were Hermione's parents, and so were countless others. Just because one nightmare is gone doesn't mean that other nightmares can't replace them. They were softer, quieter nightmares, but they hurt all the same.

Part of Draco's trouble, he supposed, was that he was purely thinking about his problems all the time.

Not that he was going to become a sensitive, emotional, weepy Gryffindork, but talking to other people and doing other things would be a... distraction.

Looking in the mirror at the rings under his eyes, he knew that he needed something else in his life beside the guilt.

He found himself later, wandering around Diagon Alley, keeping his gaze low.

Of course, keeping his gaze low meant that he saw all the children.

Bright and cheerful, excited to be heading off to Hogwarts for the first time.

Bouncing from store to store, eyes wide and rounded, reflecting potions supplies, new books, broomsticks, wands.

He smiled, just taking in their happiness and making it his own.

Later, he sent an owl to Hogwarts, indicating his desire to take the NEWTS offered in September, and a request for more information.

Seeing those bright children's faces, he realized-

It was something that he actually wanted to do.

That was so miraculous in itself that he figured he'd better act on it before he changed his mind.

He realized later that it actually was the end of August, and he had already turned eighteen without anyone noticing.

Did that really make a difference? He felt like he was eighty-two.

Days or weeks or minutes or years later, Draco went back to Hogwarts.

He stood in front of it, swathed in a large black cloak, and stared up at its simultaneously imposing and welcoming façade.

He didn't even notice the people swirling by him into the doors. He was looking at Hogwarts, but seeing what wasn't there. Memories, swarming the windows, corridors, spanning the walls and stretching the towers.

Some of them were good. Most of them were terrifying.

One of them still perplexed him, and as he moved through the courtyard with the unfeeling precision of a robot, he avoided looking at that spot completely.

It was just a square of stone. It may have seen it, but nobody could tell him why he'd done it.

He wandered back out of the Great Hall later, after writing his Charms NEWT. He had seven or so to write, and would apparate back here every day until they were done.

There was, of course, the option to stay in his old dorms, but he didn't want to have anything to do with them.

He was wondering if that was symbolic somehow when he bumped into Weasley.

"Hey, mate."

The redhead's greeting was quiet, and surprisingly calm. Draco's hand had jumped to his wand as soon as he recognized the mop of red hair, but the Weasel seemed fairly relaxed.

Warily, Draco replied.

"Hello."

Weasley seemed unperturbed by the gap before Draco's response, and carried on an idle conversation.

"So, you're taking your NEWTS too? Didn't expect to see you out of the house."

It took Draco a moment to process the fact that this was not a jibe at his recently antisocial nature, but merely small talk.

He was going to have to remember how that worked.

Ten minutes later, Draco was still talking to Weasley- Ron. He wasn't sure if he enjoyed it, but it was certainly interesting. He'd learned all sorts of things about the Weasley clan, which he never would have known before.

But Weasley was currently talking about Hermione, and that was why Draco was staying as long as he had to listen.

Not that he was interested. He was merely hoping to find a way to deflect her off her path of searching his soul.

"Yeah, Hermione was the one who convinced me to take my NEWTS. I mean, I'm all for just jumping into a career, but she convinced me-" and here Weasley adopted a high, supposedly girlish tone- "- Ronald, you can't just waltz into the Ministry with no qualifications! Are you insane?" They both laughed.

"She's that stubborn, she is..." Weasley trailed off.

"I noticed," Draco said dryly, even through the sinking feeling in his stomach.

Okay, casual. Just casual.

"So, Weasley, off to join your girlfriend now?"

The redhead looked perplexed. "Nah, she'd probably want to go over the exam or something. And anyways," he added, "Hermione isn't my girlfriend."

Draco smiled widely as Weasley walked away, for absolutely no reason at all.

Absolutely no reason.

When everyone had left Hogwarts but for the students, Draco changed his mind.

Cautiously, he walked back into the school. Avoiding any curious eyes, he made his way up to the Room where many things were possible.

Draco stood in front of the tapestry, the dancing trolls a queer contrast to his melancholy mood.

He turned and walked away. Sometimes there is a reason to confront your demons. Other times, it is better to leave them behind you and move on.

Hogwarts used to be welcoming, a place of happiness and warmth.

Now, Draco mused as he apparated away, it was just a place, a building that seemed solemn and magnificent and almost sad, as if it would remember what had happened there as long as it stood.

The distant face of Hogwarts was replaced with the iron gates of the Malfoy Manor, and Draco left that place behind.

...

After the War, Draco had set up a bunch of wards that meant that the Manor was like Hogwarts- nobody could apparate in or out.

The only difference it made right now was; instead of apparating into the midst of his mother cooking with house-elves, he walked in to a glorious smell that pervaded every corner of the Manor.

Later he would wonder about Purebloods and house-elves. Right now, he thought that this must be what home smells like.

First of all, I must heavily apologize to the people who have perhaps been wondering where an update comes from. I never used to understand how fanfiction authors could never find time to write multichap fics… I understand now. That's the difference between knowledge and wisdom, I guess!

So I am so very sorry that this has been such a long time in coming, and relatively short as all my chapters are. Draco did make some progress in here, I think – small progress, little things, but they're important for the plot and I don't think that he's just going to recover like that.

To reward your patience I will post another chapter hopefully by the end of next week. Thanks again for waiting.

I do believe that there is a conspiracy, I heavily suspect that you guys might not get alerted every single time I post a chapter, but who knows.

ONCE AGAIN, because I keep forgetting, (even though once really must be enough) I don't own Harry Potter or Hermione or Draco or anyone. Sigh.

Thank you Fulgance for reviewing Chapter Five, your reviews make me smile so much! I'm glad that you liked the letters. I think this writing is a good way to show off different bits of each person's character- that way you feel like one person is coming together, rather than OOC.

As for Ron- I don't really think I can write an angry Ron all that well. So, I'm going to make him slightly more intelligent and emotional than the books suggested.

Anyways, Reviews = Love, and thanks for all your patience!

-Isefyr