It was painful, heart wrenching, made me want to throw up more then once but I had to let him get to it. I had to get him to the place where it was a choice he had been trying to fight his whole life. He had to be there looking me in the eyes and make the choice to try or give up. I knew if I lost it and pushed further he would have run. He would have done what he avoided for a long time now.
"I know why you don't walk the streets. I know your mind is always on. I know you don't want to know the back alleys and the shady fucks there and ready to make it all go away." I can feel his fists flex through the muscles in his wrists. "Tell me why you haven't walked the streets? Tell me why you kept up here, walking the few blocks to work but never further alone. Tell me why you keep your head down when you do walk them."
"You know why" his voice is horse and barely there but I hear it.
"I know why yes, I didn't before today but I do know now. But I want to hear it." he doesn't struggle instead what he does is scare the shit out of me.
His body stiffens, his face goes lax and his eyes go dull. For the first time ever in all our lives I was really scared of him. Not for him but of him. Not physically but well maybe if you can call my heart physically. I know now as I loosen my grip on him this is it. I have found the point where it all comes down. His voice is low and scary calm as he stands against the wall from me.
"I came out of the hospital and checked myself in to rehab. One last shot. I was cut off, I had my money in the bank that was it. Parents cut me off. This was my last feeble attempt at life." he moves his head around and cracks his neck. I can see the tough guy coming out in him. I can see why he may intimidate so many. For the first time I see it.
"I was cut off. I guess that is what I was going for. The final push to get the last of anyone to give a damn." he scoffs and I see no humor in it. "I mean at least the family still keeping me flush was some sort of caring right?" The laugh in his tone is trying to come through but I see no humor in that either.
I keep my feet firmly planted even though I want to pin him down as I sense him ready to spill and bolt. Thankfully there is no twitch at all in him. He is ready to have it out. I hope.
"That's not caring." He barks out a laugh that he doesn't share with his expression.
"Tell me about it. I was the ultimate fuck up. But that was okay until the last time." he moves now but away from any exit. "Don't worry hun, I'm mot gonna bolt." the endearment is nice but I don't take it to heart.
"Why was the last time different?" I always figured when I heard talk, that they were just done with his next stint in rehab.
"It wasn't really different it was just documented." I was lost again and it must have shown.
"See there are many things rich catholics can deal with in their kids. Drugs, alcohol, partying. Hell even petty theft. But I committed the ultimate taboo. I was found at a porn stars place. A gay porn stars place. No I wasn't sleeping with him but it just fueled the speculation in the page five circles." shifting on the window ledge he is perched on, he seems more comfortable set in the story. Not nervous just relaying facts now. "See you can be many things in my family's old money world, but no child of theirs is a fag. That is a blemish in the old world ways. So that was it. The end."
"Old world ways?" I was baffled. I knew his parents way back over twenty years.
"Oh they used that as and excuse believe me. They are about as loyal to the 'faith' as I am against tattoos." it's seems relaxing to him now. Telling me about his family. I have to wonder.
"Have you ever talked about them before? I mean besides group," his head shakes and cuts me off.
"No I never have, not even with the shrink." This time his hand in his hair isn't pulling thankfully. I just watch as his fingers thread through a few times them rub his neck. "It wasn't about them really, it was my defect, my problem to deal with and get over or not."
"It's not a def-" he holds his hand up and stops me.
"I know it's not, well the being gay part isn't. I am not an idiot, but the not hiding it was. I knew my place. I was brought up to put the right face forward and push it all aside. I guess I just got to the point where I didn't care anymore."
"Did you want to that night?" I couldn't say it because frankly I didn't want to think about living in a world where he didn't.
"Kill myself?" I must have nodded. "I think so. I might have. I remember the party, I remember the two days of drinking. I remember the guy that tried to blow me before I told him to get lost." that hurt but I was no one to to him at the time so there was no jealousy warranted. It still hurt.
"Look at me!" his tone is harsh and sharp. I do look at him. His eyes aren't flat they are a mix of hurt and please. "You were never far from there, in my mind it was always you I was trying to find. So don't go there. Never go there. Okay?" I am now pissed and hurt and in love and I have no idea.
"That is not fair Ed. That is the-" before I can move to do my own escape he is beside me and his hands on my face. His lips are on mine and now he is grounding me and waiting on me.
"Please let me tell you. If I don't get it out now-" it is my turn to cut him off. It is a quick kiss then I lean my forward to his. My hands don't leave his face. And I try to steady my voice so it is just above a whisper.
"Tell me. I can handle it."
