"After I left school and was sent to another one is when it all kind of made sense. And I wanted to make it different. I wanted to wash away all the family crap. I only saw them if they were home on break or needed me for a photo op. So I was pretty much already given up on." I watched him while I talked just to judge where he was at. He seemed to be pissed but holding it back and okay.

"So there I was, new school, new chance and I made the wrong choice." that was the short and tight of it I guess. "Go figure. But I did find a place finally. I did fit somewhere."

"When was the first time?" it wasn't the first time I had been asked.

"I know you want to know the whys and the hows of my addiction. Everyone does. Common question with addicts. The answers they always want are to pin it somewhere on something. The real answer for most is we have no idea. I of course do, that was the flaw in the theory but that is beside the point. Really it doesn't matter the first time. Or any of the thousands after. I want to be honest. I was hiding and trying to forget. Trying to not remember anything."

"No when was your first time you fucked anyone!" he ws firm and frustrated. Pissed really. Not even looking at me, leaning forward elbows on knees, hands thread together and clenching. I could count the breathes by the clenching and unclenching of his knuckles. The pattern of them turning from pink to white and back to pink. It was his way to keep it centered.

"Em you really don't want to," a growl from him cut me off.

"I want to know it all. I'm sorry but I need to. I have been through hell and back and that is just in the past few months I am talking. Now I need to hear it all. I need to know, I need to hear what I am dealing with and I need to." he stopped clenching and his hands loosened. A few deep breathes later he wasn't as tense and I wasn't sure the mood. But I waited. "I just want to know."

"It doesn't change a thing." The information he wants I can't see how they will help to move us forward.

"No but I need to hear it." he doesn't it is a self inflicting abuse I am well aware of.

"How would you feel if I asked you about Jason?" diversion and unfair but I am grasping to give him and out.

"Ask anything." he isn't looking but his voice is even.

I should but not now, he is to raw, I'm to raw.

"I will hold you to that but. The first was a class mate."

"Male?"

"Yes."

"Ever a woman?"

"No"

"Why?"

"I never could. I tried but never could. The attempts weren't even laughable. Just sad." truth, that is all I am going to give.

"Why not?"

"I knew you weren't a woman. So why look elsewhere? The gender wasn't right to look into tits and pussy. I knew where I was looking. What I was looking for."

"Were you ever sober when you" his word drift off.

"Not often but I did try a few times."

"And?"

"Emmett, I knew it wasn't you high. How the fuck did you think it would go fully functioning?"

"Did you think about coming to find me?" there it was my heart tore. The tone and why of his voice. That was it. This was going to be everything right here right now...

"Every minute of every day."

"Why didn't you?" there was a whole lot of hurt in his voice, but his face was still trained on the floor.

"I did," his face shot to mine.