Honestly I didn't want to hear any of it. It was all too much. But if I was going to do this I needed to go all in. I needed to know. So I heard him. I tried to take it in and make sense of it. I was prepped for the dirty seedy life he had led but I wasn't prepared for that.

I tried to make it some how make sense. He left it hanging. I could feel his eyes on me. He was waiting. I knew he wouldn't speak til I did. But what to say was the problem. What could I? I guess the obvious it is.

"When?"

"The first time?" shit there was more then once? I nod not wanting to put a glitch in anything. I didn't want him to stop. So I just nod and watch the tip of my toe.

"I was out for I think the fourth time." he pauses and I hear a curse from him and see a shadow of his foot tapping. "Yup fourth, I had a good six months or so into it. I had to come back home for my parents something or another. I had been pumped up to face you and say I was sorry. You know the whole make amends thing"

It made me thrilled that he was still seeking me out.

"It was the third day there, I had finally thought about asking Francie the maid about you, if you were around." his form changed he shifted. "Turns out I didn't need to. The announcement was there on the counter."

"Jason was so over the top about that shit." I didn't want it but he and my mom wanted it all known. Helped her place in the 'new' group.

"Oh you think? Fucking embossed in gold leaf?" he chuckled but it wasn't real. "Anyway, I left that day. Flew out back to L.A."

It killed me that he was there and knew. With every part of me I wished he would have come back. I mean I loved Jason but,

"Did you love him?" Well that was not what I expec...

"Yes" I had to be honest, I had to give him the truth. Somehow though I didn't give him the full truth. There was the bitterness. I had an edge, I had to see him hurt or a reaction at least. I didn't want to push it, well I did but I had to want him wanting to know. No I wanted to see a bit of pain. Who the hell was I?

"Did you think about me?" he was drumming his fingers on the wall. It was the reaction I thought I wanted.

"Always"

"Then why?" that was it. That was too much.

"Why what?" I let it go, he knew and was doing it on purpose and so I let it go. "The next?" Now we were eye to eye. A stand off.

"Next?" I dared a glance quick and brief and he was rubbing his neck. The tattoo that I was sure was mine. Something there in the way he rubbed it told me it was. I hoped it was.

"Never close, just heard the stories..." his had eyes are down and his hand is on his neck again.

"I have to call the bullshit. You know that right?"

"Seriously I was never close enough to see you more then in pictures. I was, am an addict. A junkie. But I wasn't that sadistic. To this day the only vision I have of him is a profile of him whispering in your ear in a picture I saw." He was honest there. I could see the flight in him. The want to leave the grappling with it.

"I loved him, I did." I had no idea why the confessions were going but I knew they had to. This was my one shot. I will not mess it up. Two lives held in the balance here.

I heard him before I saw him. Thank gods for the quick reflexes I had. I was in front of him before he could dart away out the door or behind the locked one. My hand with curled in fingers was on his chest. They flexed and wish the fabric wasn't there so we could be that much closer.

"I loved him Edward. I am sorry if that hurts you but I did. But," he still wouldn't look at me. I was desperate to see him look at me. I didn't know how to make it happen though. It really was making me mad. Finally I just said it. "Look at me!"

Okay I may have yelled. But it worked.

"I loved him. He was kind and caring and everything a guy could want. He showed me things and taught me and was well just was there. But you have to know,"

He pushed away my hand but we were still toe to toe. We were still in each others space. The way he looked at me was scary as hell. Then I was over taken, My body was like a rag doll. A few steps back and I was on top of him. He pulled me back and rotated and before I knew it we were falling. There we were, him giving me control. He was in control but so was I.

His hands fisted at my back and in my hair. Our mouths in a dance of anger, heat and making up for lost time. I wanted to break it and tell him more but the way he buck up to me and clinged to me at the same time there was no stopping. I needed to stop. We needed to talk but it was hard to keep thoughts straight. There was no stop for him right now and I got it. I got it all.

It took every ounce of will power and prayer to make me break away from him. But before I knew it I was yelling "Stop" and on my feet across the room.