"What the fuck?" I was speaking to an empty room by now but. Really? Did that all just go down? I was standing there for lord knows how long until finally somehow my ass found the bed.

I was getting my hopes up there for awhile. The spilling was going good but then it felt like I was bitch slapped by and iceberg when he started talking about his husband. I didn't want him remembering him and seeing how lacking I was. Sex was the first thing I could think of. If I can't give him anything else I could give him that. I know we both want it. But then... And then... And now?

Boyfriend? He said that right? That was the word he used. Well he used a lot of words but that is the one. I don't know why it should have me so confused really. I mean I really never had one, never had a label before. Well that isn't true. I had labels, lots but nothing ever good. I try it on for size and roll it around in my head. Somehow I thought I should be fucking dancing on the ceiling but for some reason it is leaving a bitter taste in my mouth and pit in my stomach. I have no idea what this shit is all about but I sit and try and figure it out.

I try to play it all in my head again but for some reason around Emmett lately I haven't been able to pull it up so fast or clear. It's like there is a glitch here and a blip there. The more I try to pull it up the more frustrated I get. I want that slide show, I want to figure this out. Every other moment in my life even with him I have been able to. Now frustration and nothing else. The more I try the further away it gets. I remember the pain I remember the fear I remember the love and the pain of not ever having a shot of getting it back.

Suddenly my head shoots up and I get it. Head out of ass and standing now. I get it. I march down the hall and find him there scrolling through his phone. Hunched over a sandwich with a soda by his plate. I stand and watch him. I am having to really think about committing this to memory. I close my eyes and I can see him but not very clear. But there is an ache in my chest I will never forget. There is a love there that I hope I can earn back from him.

I watch a good five minutes. I have no idea if he knows if I am watching or not. If he does he doesn't let it show, so I watch. I think of why I love him. No real reason comes to mind but I just do. What is it? Why him? The answer, it just is. It is him. It has always been. So now I can run out the door and be a coward or and can stay and do the work. I stand and wait and watch and think.

"Okay head is out of ass, back on shoulders and your boyfriend is back ready to do this shit." I stuttered a bit over the 'b' word but only because it felt strange. I hope I covered it up with the cockiness. He smiles and puts his phone away without looking at me. Then reaches behind him for a meal that matches his setting it across from him on the island.

"You know your lucky your hot or I may not put up with the other guy sharing your mind. Cuz no matter how hot, I don't date assholes." His wink at me has the nerves calming but the weirdness in the chest kicking up.