Author's Note: Hi, guys! Enjoy!
Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight.
Chapter 59
Everyone chattered during breakfast, deeply immersed in many different conversations. Carlisle and Jasper had struck up a conversation about the hospital, and Charlie was listening intently. Renee and Esme were talking about some charity gala that the wives of the businessmen were hosting, while Emmett and Rosalie looked rather cozy as they fed each other bacon.
Edward seemed to be regretting the decision to sit next to his older sister. She was chattering away about a couple sets of new suits that she'd designed for him, but he didn't seem very interested.
I, on the other hand, was concentrating deeply on my thoughts. Perhaps the thoughtful expression showed on my face, because no one bothered me. And I was grateful for that.
I recalled all the run-ins I'd had with Edward since I'd returned. And especially at that party. It definitely hadn't been very good. Although I'd been very clear on my intentions, he'd also made it very clear that he wasn't going to give up again.
And I could tell. I could tell from the way he acted around me…those expressions and actions, and the way he looked at me… He was definitely determined to win me back.
I didn't appreciate it at all. That much was certain. I hadn't come back to be bothered by something called love again. No, love was pretty much out of my life, and there was no way I was going to let it come back in again.
So if I was just as determined to block him, what did I have to do?
Push him away, certainly. But how?
I pushed my food around my plate, biting my lip, thinking hard. I felt Edward's eyes on me, filled with curiosity. I frowned down at my plate. How could I make this stubborn man give up? I knew Edward. He was just as stubborn as I was, and once he made up his mind, there was no changing it.
The only way I could think of to push him away was to hurt him. Hurt him just as badly as he'd hurt me eight years ago. Maybe give him a taste of his own medicine at the same time…it would be killing two birds with one stone.
Hurting him… I mused. Could I really do that? Did I really resent him for that incident? Enough that I would be willing to get my revenge?
Yes, I was still angry that my daughter hadn't had a chance to take her first gulp of air in this world. Yes, I was angry that he'd taken me for granted and gone for that girl instead. Yes, I was angry that he'd ruined what could've been between us.
I was definitely still angry with him.
I'd been fooling myself all this time. I'd been telling myself that I'd forgotten everything, that it was all water under the bridge. Apparently, trying to forget hadn't worked. I still remembered. I still felt the hatred. I still felt the sorrow and emptiness from when I'd realized that my baby was gone.
"Um, Bella, dear?" Esme asked tentatively. "Are…are you alright?"
I looked up. "What?"
"You look a bit…scary." She looked apprehensive.
I realized that my expression had hardened at the thought of my hatred for everything that had happened. Luckily, no one else noticed, except for Edward. Of course.
"I'm fine," I said shortly, looking back down.
Esme looked uncertain, but she resumed her conversation with Renee.
Edward's eyebrows were creased in confusion. He could obviously tell that I was angry about something, but there was nothing to be angry about. In his eyes, of course. To me, there was plenty to be resentful about.
I made up my mind. I was going to get my moments of satisfaction. I was going to make him pay for every mistake he'd made. Mistakes or not…I was going to get my revenge.
I deserved to. I had every right to get back at him for ruining my life.
First step? Go out with men and make him jealous. Do anything that would bother him. It wasn't much of a start to make him feel that pain I'd felt, but it was something.
I couldn't wait until next Saturday now. Going out with Jacob Black would be a pain, but if I thought of what it would do to Edward Cullen… It made me feel so much better.
I smiled slightly, grimly. I would start living off of his pain and sorrow. His regrets and remorse… It was a new goal in my life.
"Bella, where are you going?"
I turned back, raising my eyebrow. "Why?"
Alice frowned as she leaned on the wall of the hallway. "You look…weird. What's wrong?"
"Weird how?"
"You look…changed. Your expression is…" She seemed too disturbed to finish her speech.
I smiled as genuinely as I could. "I'm fine. I'm going out in the gardens for a while."
"It's cold out, Bella," Jasper said, appearing behind his wife. He, too, looked worried as he studied my face. "It's still winter, you know. Wear another jacket if you must go."
My eyes flashed. "I'm fine," I repeated, annoyed now. "I'm not a baby, Jasper." I turned and stalked outside, leaving a concerned couple behind me.
I sat down on the hammock and swung myself lightly as I stared at the many trees around the mansion. I thought back to what Alice and Jasper had said.
I took out my phone from my pocket and raised it to my face. I stared at my reflection in the blackness. I realized what Alice must have meant.
My normal blank expression was gone, and it was replaced by a hard, cold one. It reflected my earlier decision on revenge, and I did look sort of scary.
I smiled slightly, humorlessly. So much for mistakes and decisions. They were part of life, but they sucked. After all, those two words were the reason I was like this right now, broken and bitter, filled with regrets and hatred. I wanted to take them out on the person who'd hurt me the most.
Friends? Family? He was no longer those things in my life. He was now an enemy, someone I had to crush and win over to get my satisfaction.
From now on, I was only going to be thinking of myself and only my emotions. I wouldn't care about hurting him at all. If I succeeded in hurting him, good for me. The more, the better.
Inspired by a sudden thought, I looked up at the grand hammock. My expression soured as I thought about how I'd gotten involved in this mess in the first place. That proposal in the gardens…while I'd been sitting in a hammock, he'd come to ask for my hand in marriage…
I didn't really like hammocks anymore.
Still, it was the only comfortable seat in the gardens, and I stayed seated. The cold wind blew lightly, making me shiver slightly. The little puff of steam that came out from my mouth against the cold wind blew all around me.
It was cold, definitely, but the coolness felt nice. It cleared my head with its fresh air, and it made me slightly better, even if I thought about Edward.
My eyes closed slowly when the next wind brought the cold breeze. My hair flapped in the wind, tickling the side of my face. The steady rocking of the hammock and the silence in the garden brought peace and calm…
"It's cold, Bella. Come inside."
The relaxation was interrupted, and tension went into my body as I recognized the voice. The voice that would now be a nightmare in my dreams…
My eyes flashed open, and my expression hardened once more. I glared at Edward, who was staring at me with rather rueful eyes. Maybe he guessed why I was suddenly so angry.
"Speak for yourself," I said coldly. He was only wearing a long-sleeve shirt, whereas I was wearing a hoodie and an insulated vest over it. I was quite warm actually.
He didn't even bat an eye at my change of attitude toward him. Yes, he'd figured it out.
He shrugged. "Fine."
He didn't leave. He just kept staring at me until I eyed him suspiciously. "What do you want?"
He hesitated. Then, his eyes burned with curiosity. "I was wondering…who you were talking to earlier on the phone."
"And why do you want to know?"
He sighed. "I'm curious about everything that concerns you."
I looked away. "You don't need to know."
"Was it a man?"
I smirked at his quick assumption. "Yes."
His expression hardened too. "Are you dating someone?"
My chin came up slightly. "I will be. Soon. I thought I might take everyone else's advice and start dating again. Is that a problem?"
"A problem…" he repeated bitterly. "It is, in my perspective." His eyes bored into mine. "I thought I made it pretty clear that I wasn't going to give up on you. Maybe you didn't understand."
"I understood perfectly," I said. "But I thought I made it pretty clear too. That you weren't going to get another chance with me, that I won't let you get to me again." I rose from my seat to face him defiantly. I was getting angry. "You had your chance eight years ago, and you blew it. I don't care if it was a mistake; you're not getting another one."
Edward's eyes didn't leave my face. "You seem to have made a decision. You're quite determined to hate me, unlike when you first returned to New York."
"I've changed my mind," I said. "I was wondering why I had to be nice to you when you ruined what could've been eight years ago…" I felt my expression alter into something else. Was it hurt? Hatred? Remorse? "And then, I realized that you didn't deserve to be treated like this. You should be punished for every mistake you ever made."
His eyes lowered slightly. His emerald green eyes contained sadness and great sorrow in them, but he didn't speak as I went on.
"Why did I have to be the one to pay for your mistakes?" I continued. "It wasn't me who did wrong. It was you. And even if I was your wife, I shouldn't have had to be the one to sacrifice so much. Lose so much."
My voice was shaking from the anger now. My eyes stung from recalling the pain from my past. My heart ached even now when I thought about it.
"You don't know. You'll never know. How I lived through each day…how I tried so hard to forget, even when I'd escaped from the shadows of my dark past…" I gritted my teeth. "Do you know how painful it was?"
Edward didn't move. He stayed frozen, his eyes trained to the ground.
"So I decided…" I said softly. "Since I paid for all your mistakes these past eight years, it's time for you to repay me. You have a great debt over your head, Edward…and I'm not going to let you off so easy." I smiled humorlessly. "I'm going to be adding a lot of interest."
Edward smiled too, humorlessly. I sensed the pain and remorse in that smile. "I'll gladly take any punishment you give me, Bella." He looked up now, and I couldn't look away from those sad eyes. "But even if I get hurt, even if I lose everything, there's one thing that will keep me going, and that's you, Bella."
"Me," I repeated. "I see…"
"You can do whatever you want with me," Edward said. "You can hurt me in any way you want to. I'll take it gladly. I deserve it. I'm not such a fool that I would deny that fact."
I couldn't help but laugh once incredulously at his statement. At the same time, tears began forming in my eyes. Angry tears. Tears that expressed hatred and remorse…regrets…
"But no matter how much you hurt me, I won't give up," he continued. "Not when I've come this far. Now when I've lived through my guilt for eight years without you around me. Nothing can compare to that. The self-hatred I felt toward myself is more than you can ever do to me.
"But don't ever ignore the fact that I'll always be here, trying to win you back. No matter what happens, even if I die trying, you will be mine again, and when that day comes, I won't let you go. I won't make the same mistakes twice."
"I'll tear you apart," I whispered, glaring at him. "I'll tear your heart apart…just like you did to mine eight years ago. I'll repay every last bit of hurt you gave me and I'll hurt you more. I won't care about hurting you anymore, because you deserve this. You deserve to feel how I felt, and even then, you'll never be able to feel my bitterness."
He didn't seem very surprised by my antagonistic words. Instead, he seemed to be accepting everything. Accepting his fate, almost.
"If it will make you feel better by taking it out on me, I'll take it gladly," he promised. "Willingly."
It made me angrier. He was supposed to be hurting. He was supposed to be making some excuse and try to talk me out of my revenge.
Instead, Edward Cullen was risking everything just for me. Even so, I couldn't guarantee the sincerity of his so-called love for me.
"Don't regret it," I whispered menacingly. "I'll become a monster to destroy you. I'll toy around with your feelings, and I'll do anything to make you feel horrible. From now on…Isabella Swan is gone."
I started to walk away. Just as I brushed past him, he grabbed my wrist and held on firmly. I turned to glare at him.
"Just one thing," Edward said, his voice gentle. "Don't disregard me. Don't pretend that I'm not there, even if you do hate me. And be there for me. Always be where I can see you…even if it's from far away."
I shook off his wrist and stormed away. I was going to punish him until I lost interest in revenge at all. Though I doubted that would ever happen.
Edward's Point of View
I watched as she walked away. There was an aura of coldness around her.
I should've been feeling horrible. The woman I loved had just announced that she was going to make my life miserable. She was going to punish me for every mistake I'd made.
Instead, I felt insanely relieved. I'd felt horrible when at first, she'd returned, and had been so nice to me…like eight years ago had never happened. Having her hate me openly and trying to pay back all the hurt she'd gone through was better than pretending that our past never happened.
I would gladly accept any form of punishment she bestowed upon me, and I would reap for my sins.
My shoulders sagged as I sat down on the hammock she'd been just moments before. I could still smell her addicting scent here…
I leaned back and rested my head on the seat. I closed my eyes just as a tear cascaded down my right cheek.
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