I was nervous to ask him back here but knew that if I didn't feel safe it wasn't going to happen. The few heart beats he wavered had me feeling the itch, now here I feel secure I feel scared as hell but I feel like I am going to hear it and still be okay. Finally we were there though, I tried not to be a clingy little bitch as I wrapped around him and slowed my breathing.

"You good?" I nod against his shoulder and he squeezes my side. "Okay, as I was saying, Jason," he paused waiting for my reaction I know.

"It's fine." Give and take I have to remember.

"Jason was my husband, he was all things you could want, or suppose to want. He was the first and only guy to ask me out, he was my first kiss, my first fuck, my first anything. Well almost."

I want to ask it but it hangs in the air along with a bit of guilt because we both know.

"We had a good relationship for the most part, I mean there were time but it was good until the end. He was creative and caring and over the top and never once had I felt bad about being with a man. So I loved him." Finally I heard the indifference in his voice. Listening to his breathing and his heart had me to the point where I wasn't all trapped up in the me me of it. I could hear more then the you're not good enough. I could hear just him talking.

"I loved him and he loved me. It was good."

"But?"

"But well you know how it is, our families and circles and well." now my heart kicks up.

"The talk, the papers, yeah I know." I close my eyes and I can see the clippings and blurbs, the echos in circles. When you have money it never seems to go undocumented.

"I think in the end he was cruel but more honest actually. Very honest. He called me out." I can feel his emotion instead of see it this time. I feel him hold me tighter, I can feel the tenseness in his body, now I am getting it and find myself running my fingers over his chest wanting to make cooing sounds. Who knows I may have even made them.

"More, please I can deal and you need to get it out." I scoot up so I am closer to his neck his pulse point there. I have found it is where he smells the best and my favorite place on him. I kiss his neck right there then scoot up higher and pull him down on to my own shoulder. There is no weaker or stronger anymore with us there is just who needs who at the moment.

Thankfully the transition is smooth and he shifts to wrap his arm around my waist. Then talks again. I let out the breath I had been unaware of holding.

"I guess I had always looked for news but I was loyal to him. I never had a stray thought but I guess he knew. He saw what I didn't. He knew only once the disease and the drugs came into play did he feel brave enough to call me out I guess. He called himself delusional I now see it as I was the one that was. After twelve years he had to have had enough I guess."

I worry how bad it got and worry what else gets put on my tab. Not that I would let Emmett know I was racking up a karma chart.

"It wasn't him. You know that right?" I try to reassure him as I rub his back.

"But it was the truth, I had held on to long. I tried not to let it show but he saw, of course he did, he was and observer. He could see my tells. And in the end through all the ugly screaming matches, the low points, I took out at the gym in the end. If I was honest he was right when he said I had always been cheating on him."

"No!" I bark out louder then I should have and he jumps but I can't let him put this on him.

His squeeze chills me some but I still can't have him putting this on himself. "Sorry but you didn't. You had no blame here."

"Neither did you." his stubbled chin rubs back and forth on my chest and I can feel every whisker through the thin cotton of my shirt.

"It may have been different if I had been stronger." It was a statement but felt more like a question.

"No baby it wouldn't have. We still would have been at this point some how. It may have played out the same way as it did with him." I finally look down and he looks up. So beautiful and so strong but looking so much like the little boy I first saw and I can finally put a name to what I felt all the way back then but not ready to say it yet. Not while we were talking about someone else.

"You don't know that." his eyes are so smokey blue and honest. I hope mine are reflecting the same.

"Yes I do. I know what I had to do to get where I am, where we are. There is a way we are all are destined to be and if it had played out different it would have been you that payed the price. You would have been left with a junkie of a partner and instead of burying me you would have been dealing with me. Some how some way it would have happened. This is how it should be."

"How the hell did you get so smart in the last few hours?"

"I had someone help me pull my head out o my ass." I can feel him smile into my chest.

"Well I think you were about out of air in there." My turn to smile.

"But, facts remain. I, I was the one to go on and give up. I loved him but I did cheat on him." I make a protesting sound but he reaches up and keeps me still and I obey willingly. It's all about trust. "I gave him everything I could. I loved him best I could, I loved him but there wasn't the same love. He told me in the end that he knew, he knew I tried but if nothing else happened in my life that if I didn't go after my heart it would be lost forever. This is me making the leap and reaching for it. I loved him but I have always been in love with you. There is no fixing that or getting over that. So yes. I have put time in, it has been scary and nothing scares me more then going on from here without you, but I am going to go for it. Jason was my husband but you are my life. So I will take the bruises as they come but I take them with the knowledge that I put it out there and tried."

A/N: Battling a tummy bug but sticking with it. I am knee deep in the end here and very close to it.