Author's Note: You're going to like this chapter, I think. Bella and Edward are able to connect in a way they couldn't before. Enjoy!

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight.


Chapter 65

Bella's Point of View

I threw myself into work to keep my mind off of him. It was easier to be preoccupied all the time instead of feeling confused all the time because of my ex. Stupid, unfair life...

Tanya had been upset when I hadn't greeted her at our first official meeting. The day I'd tried to run away. I'd apologized and made an excuse. I told her that there had been an emergency family meeting that I couldn't get away from. She seemed to eat it up.

I'd had several appointments with her already, and as each session passed, she was getting more and more confused and uncertain.

She was torn. I was convincing her not to get an abortion, knowing the pain of losing a child. On the other hand, Jacob Black was making it extremely hard for her to decide, since he hardly answered her calls. When he did, he would just snap and tell her to get rid of the 'thing'.

She was running out of time. She was getting desperate. She was slowly getting bigger, and soon, she wouldn't be able to get rid of it at all if she didn't decide quickly.

Today, she came in, looking extremely weary. She plopped down on the seat in front of me and sighed. "Well, I'm just done with this. I'm just...done."

I raised my eyebrow. "You want an abortion?" I asked flatly.

She shook her head. "It's not that. I still can't decide. It's Jacob. He's just...he's really driving me nuts. How am I supposed to decide if he's not going to help me decide? All he ever does is just tell me to get rid of it without even thinking everything through. Just because he's not the one torn, unable to make the decision, while there's something alive inside of him..." She huffed. "What am I going to do?"

I turned back to my computer. "I've really done all I could to try to convince you. It's up to you now. And I would hurry too. You're running out of time."

"Don't you think I know that?" she snapped. She paused. "Sorry. I didn't mean to snap."

"It's your hormones. It's natural, although I don't really like it."

"Sorry." She sounded guilty.

I took a deep breath. "Well, then, I can't help you today. You might as well just leave."

Tanya pouted, but she nodded slowly. "Okay." She started to get up, then sat back down. "Bella. I know I have no right to tell you this, but can I say something?"

I looked at her. "What?"

"I can tell that you and Edward are having a really rocky relationship right now. Am I right?"

"It's none of your business," I said in a clipped tone. "I'm your gynecologist, but that doesn't mean I've forgiven you for what you did to me. I still – forgive me – hate you."

She nodded, readily accepting it. She'd become used to my insults toward her. "Alright, alright. I get it. But still, I want to ask you not to be so harsh with him."

I stared at her as if she'd grown two heads. "Are you serious?"

She sighed. "Let's face it. I was a stupid bitch back then. I still am, but hey, I was young. And being young, I thought that I could have everything I wanted. I wanted to have some fun. Unfortunately, Edward had the bad luck to get chosen. I was the one who seduced him, so he really doesn't deserve any punishment. So you should forgive him, if you could."

I made a sound of disbelief. "You have no idea, do you? You have no clue what I've been through! Edward didn't do anything wrong? No, it's your fault that you chose the wrong person to play with, but it's also his fault for falling into his trap. He was the one who killed my baby, even though you were the one who pushed me down those stairs. Do you understand?"

I was seething. How dare she said that to me?

Tanya just looked sad. She sighed. "Okay. Whatever you say. But honestly, Bella...Edward has been tortured enough. People around him didn't punish him. He punished himself. And if you ask me..." She rose and walked to the door. "That's the worst kind of punishment a human can receive."

Edward's Point of View

I poured the dangerous liquid into the shot glass and threw it down my throat. I refilled it, then drank it again. I didn't notice that the level of alcohol in the bottle was diminishing extremely quickly.

Someone slid in next to me, and I looked up unsteadily to see a young woman wearing almost nothing to cover herself. Her cleavage was quite impressive, and most men would've gone head over heels to get in her pants right then and there, but I just didn't see it. I couldn't look down to glance at her chest. She wasn't the woman I loved.

"Hey, handsome," the woman said seductively. "You look a bit lonely over here. Do you want some company?"

I studied her. "You... You're not Bella."

She blinked, taken aback. "Excuse me?"

"Forgive him, miss," a familiar voice said from behind me. "My brother is very drunk. He speaks nonsense when he drinks a lot; just ignore him. It's his way of saying that you look very beautiful."

Emmett grinned at her good-naturedly, obviously acting to cover for me. He was good at that, having seduced quite a few girls during college before meeting Rosalie.

The woman looked flattered. "Oh...well. Then how about hanging out with me tonight, handsome?" she asked, her attention back on me now.

"I'm afraid not," Emmett said, smiling but sounding regretful. "My brother is in no shape to entertain such a beautiful young lady. I would do it instead, except I'm currently taken." He winked, wriggling his left fingers.

The girl giggled. "It's alright. Have a nice night, gentlemen." She flounced off in her noisy heels.

My brother's smile faded as he looked at me. He slid into the stool next to me. "What happened to you, bro?"

He had called earlier to invite me to a family dinner at the mansion. When I had told him that I wasn't coming, he'd quickly detected a note of slur in my voice. He'd realized that I was drinking and had ordered me to stay exactly where I was until he got there.

"Why are you here?" I mumbled, pouring myself another. "I never told you to come."

"I was worried. You hardly ever drink."

"I felt like it." I threw the liquid down my throat. It left a burning trail down my throat. "I wanted to think."

"Well, you're obviously not thinking if you decided to finish more than half of vodka. You're insane. Not even I can finish half this bottle."

"Well, what do you expect?" I asked heavily. "I'm totally screwed. Why is life so unfair, Em? All I ever did was make one mistake... Well, alright, I made one huge mistake, but do I deserve this? Nobody's helping me. Bella's avoiding my calls and texts. Jasper's saying that he'll kill me if I try to interfere with his sister's life ever again. No one's helping me. Screw life."

I refilled my glass and drank before continuing. "Okay, I deserve it. I take it all back. I deserve all this. She should be ignoring me, and he should be threatening me. I don't deserve her. But I'm so selfish that I want her. Can you blame me, bro?"

I was rambling. I was spouting out all my frustration and troubles to my brother, and he was listening quietly, even though he knew that I was babbling because I was drunk.

I began hiccuping. "I hate my life. Why did I have to be so stupid? You should've just kicked my ass for even looking at another girl when I had Bella. So idiotic..." I drank again.

"Come on," Emmett said, after a while. "You're drunk. You're going to have a huge hangover tomorrow, so I should get you home."

I shoved his arm away, filled the glass, and emptied it. Before I could grab the bottle, Emmett seized it and held it away from me. "No more," he said sternly. "Get up. We're leaving."

I glowered at him as best as I could in my drunken state. Then, I sighed heavily before rising from my seat and stumbling my way outside. I was dizzy and swaying. I felt nauseated.

Emmett paid the bill and helped me outside to the parking lot. "Edward, where's your car?"

"Over there." I pointed without looking. The fresh, cool air of the night slapped me in the face, and I took deep breaths of the refreshing breeze. I felt slightly better.

"Yeah, of course. Because there are so many cars at where you're pointing," Emmett said sarcastically.

Confused, I looked up and saw that I was pointing in the wrong direction, where there were no cars at all. "Oops." I laughed humorlessly. "Over there." I gestured to the area where a bunch of cars were parked, bunched up together.

"Just tell me to find the car myself, Eddie," Emmett said, sounding annoyed. "Some help you are."

He fished my car keys out of my pocket and dragged me over to the Volvo. I collapsed on the passenger's seat. I stared up at the ceiling of my car for a moment before my eyes closed and the world faded to black.


When I regained consciousness, I was surprised to find myself still in the car with Emmett, who was driving me home. I'd only been out for a moment, but I already felt more sober than before. I was still dizzy, unsteady, and tired, but at least the nauseating feeling in my stomach was gone.

I groaned as I sat up. "Ugh."

Emmett glanced at me amusedly. "You always manage to sober up so quickly."

"Not tonight," I said, wincing. My words came out warbled. I looked outside the window and watched the scenery flash past. "How long was I out?"

"Maybe about fifteen minutes. You sure picked a place that's far from your house to drink."

"I was driving. I just saw it and decided I needed a drink."

Suddenly, I was aware of where we were. "Bella."

"You are still drunk, aren't you?" Emmett scoffed. "I'm handsome, but I'm not pretty like Bella is. Sorry to disappoint you, but this is your brother driving you home."

I ignored him. "This is Bella's neighborhood. Drop me off at her house."

He looked at me like I was insane. "Are you crazy? It's past midnight. She's probably sleeping."

"She's not."

"How would you know that?"

"I just know. Drop me off."

He sighed, but obliged by turning the corner and pulling into Bella's driveway.

I stumbled out, still unsteady and drunk. "You can leave, Emmett. Take my car."

He got out too, and watched as I made my way slowly to the porch. Finally, he said, "I'll take a cab. Good luck, bro."

I walked slowly in a zig-zag pattern. For once, I was the one with horrible coordination.

I finally arrived on the porch and leaned against the wall. I looked up, blinking rapidly. I knew it. Her bedroom light was still on.

I knew that it was stupid of me to just come here like this. It was past midnight, and she was alone in a huge house. I shouldn't scare her like this, but I also knew that if I didn't say what I felt right now when I was drunk, I would never have enough courage to tell her when I was sober. I wanted to be crazy while I still could.

And I also knew that I was terribly honest when I was drunk. I had to tell her. If I didn't tell her soon, I was going to explode from frustration.

Bella's Point of View

I closed Pride and Prejudice after finishing it for the millionth time. I'd practically memorized the book from reading it too much, and my paperback was tattered and torn. I made a note to myself to get myself a new copy very soon, a hardcover this time. I knew that I would want to read it again soon.

I had dressed into my comfortable clothes of a random T-shirt and sweatpants before I had retired to my bed to read. I was tired after a long day at work, and I was ready to get to sleep, but then again, I wasn't ready either.

There was a reason I was immersing myself into work so much. I wanted to keep myself from thinking about him. I knew that if I turned my thoughts toward him, I would never be able to concentrate because I would feel extremely confused about how I felt toward him.

But after those many hours of successfully and wearily avoiding him in my thoughts during the day, I would somehow see him in my dreams at night. After everything that I've been doing to avoid him, he was infiltrating my head when I was helpless at night.

I was afraid of what I might dream tonight. So far, my brain had replayed quite a few memories of the past. The night I'd lost my baby, the day I'd forced him to sign those divorce papers...

Resigning myself to the dreams that were like prison bars and chains because I was exhausted, I slid the sheets on top of me and reached over to the lamp on my bedside table to turn it out.

My hand jerked back in shock when there came a loud pounding noise downstairs. Someone was at the door. Who could it be at this time?

I was scared. I felt uneasy. I considered calling Jasper for a moment before I heard him call my name.

"Bella!" It was unmistakably his voice. Edward. Why was here at this time?

My fear turned to worry and wariness. And curiosity.

"Isabella Marie Swan!" Edward shouted, his deep voice ringing throughout the house. His poundings echoed too. "Bella, I know you're in there. Come down. I want to talk to you!"

I cocked my head hesitantly. Was it my imagination or did he sound...drunk?

"Bella!"

I winced when his voice startled me again. Quickly, worrying that my neighbors would wake up and complain, I slid from my bed and hurried downstairs.

As I reached the door, the pounding continued. He kept calling my name.

I yanked the door open, and shrieked softly when Edward fell toward me. Luckily, I caught him just in time, and managed not to fall back on my bottom. I closed the door and locked it with difficulty before turning to glare at him.

"Edward Cullen," I said indignantly. "Do you know what time it is? Don't you know better than to come to a woman's house at night?"

I let go of him warily, wondering if he was too drunk to stand up on his own. He swayed violently but stayed on his feet all by himself. I breathed a sigh of silent relief. I didn't have to touch him. If I had to, I would lose my mind. Why did he have to come now, when I was trying to forget about him? When I was trying to figure out what my feelings meant?

He was definitely drunk. Alcohol reeked from all over his body. He must have been drinking some pretty strong stuff because I knew that Edward had high tolerance for alcohol.

"Bella..." Edward murmured, his hand reaching up to caress my face.

I slapped his hand away. "Are you alone? You didn't drive in this state, did you?"

He chuckled humorlessly. "You'll always be that girl. The girl who takes care of people, defends people...even people who hurt you more than anyone else can imagine. First Tanya...then me..."

I gritted my teeth. "Edward. What are you doing here?"

He stared at me, then surprised me by pulling me into a hug. His grip on me was firm but gentle. But it was also persistent and desperate, and I couldn't wriggle away. I could just tell how hurt he was right now because of me.

"I need you," he mumbled.

There was something horribly addicting about his scent. There was that usual intoxicating smell of Edward's mixed with the smell of alcohol, but it smelled really nice to me, strangely. I had hated it when the boys drank, especially when Edward did it.

But tonight, he smelled really nice. Too nice, it was almost criminal.

I blinked a couple times. I could feel him leaning on me heavily, fully depending on me now for support. I realized that I was swaying along with him.

I grabbed his arms in protest, but he said, "No. Don't pull away, Bella."

I paused. "But you're not supposed to be here. Who brought you here, Edward? Emmett?"

He didn't answer. "I want to tell you..." he breathed.

I pulled away, scowling. His eyes were closing wearily and he didn't even have the strength to keep hugging me. "You're such a pain, Cullen."

He barked out a harsh laugh. "I've heard that a lot." He hiccuped.

I knew I had no choice but to take him in right now. Emmett had obviously left after he dumped Edward on me, though I had no idea why. I began dragging Edward into the dark living room.

I helped him sit down on the couch, then started for the kitchen to get him water. He leaned back on the leather seat with his eyes closed.

Annoyed, I sighed as I filled a clear glass with cool water. Emmett was going to pay for this. He was so going to regret it. I would personally make sure that Jasper got his hands on both Cullen brothers. Stupid life of mine...

I took the glass back to Edward, who looked pale. I wondered if he was going to throw up all over my carpet. He was still. Was he sleeping?

I pressed the cool glass to his face, and he grimaced and opened his eyes. He looked at the glass of water, took it, and drank deeply. He handed it back to me. "Thanks," he murmured.

I rolled my eyes and set the glass down on the living room table. "Wait here. I'll go call the traitor who brought you here."

I shrieked in surprise when the ground suddenly left my feet. I blinked and realized that Edward had grabbed my wrist and pulled me to him again. I was in his warm embrace, quite comfortable, despite the awkward position I was in.

"No, don't go," he said. "I came here because I have to tell you something."

"Edward," I said, irritated, "you're drunk."

"Don't," he said softly. "You're making this so much harder for both of us. You and I both know that we can't be separated."

My eyes narrowed. "Do I?"

There came a curious grunt from the doorway, and I glanced for the source.

Rollie's head was cocked in confusions, like he was asking me: Why is your ex-husband hugging you?

That's exactly what I wanted to know.

Rollie padded over, his footsteps making comforting sounds against the hardwood floor. He jumped onto the long couch and sat at the way end, looking quite alert. So he was going to eavesdrop, was he?

"I'm so miserable without you," Edward sighed. "It's amazing how much. I sometimes feel like I'm going insane. And then, of course, the next thing I think of is: Why in the world did I do that to you?"

I stiffened. Was he going to talk about our bad history right now? This was a really bad time for it. We were both exhausted and confused. This was danger zone. I wanted to get out. I didn't want to hear this.

But I couldn't budge from his strong arms. So I had no choice but to keep listening.

"I had a perfectly good woman by my side, and I had to go ruin that," he said, laughing bitterly. "Some stupid jerk I was, huh? I don't understand why I did it either. After you fell down the stairs, it was like waking up. I was slapped awake, and it hurt so bad.

"I should've protected you. I shouldn't have gone crazy and looked at another woman. It was my fault that you became like this."

My expression softened. What was I like right now?

As if he'd heard my mind, he went on to answer the question. "You're so cold, Bella. You're cold as ice, and it's like the Bella that we all knew and loved is gone. Your warmth, your optimism...your compassion... I can't see you anymore. You're just...you. You're empty. You're a shell. And I did this to you."

I stopped struggling to get him away from me. Was I finally getting to hear how he'd lived through the eight years without me? I'd always assumed that he'd had an easier time than I had, but maybe not.

"I killed you," he breathed. "I killed our child. I killed our love. I killed everything that could've been. I was so stupid, Bella. I was so blind...so idiotic to not realize that everything I had was perfect. It was all I ever needed. I can never forgive myself as long as I live.

"Have I ever told you..." He paused, sounding heartbroken. "Have I ever told you that I loved you?"

I stopped breathing.

"I think I did, once or twice," Edward said miserably. "But I didn't know the meaning of it then. I thought it was something so simple...and I was wrong. I should never have taken you for granted.

"When you left, I was broken. I don't care if you believe me or not, but I wasn't a man without you. I lived without living these past eight years, and all I ever did was miss you." Another pause. "I still miss you."

Something wet fell down my cheeks. I didn't even realize I was crying. I had been so immersed into Edward's confession that it felt like there was nothing in this world except us at this moment.

But this had gone far enough. I shook my head. "No more. Stop."

I began to pull away, but he grabbed my arm. "Hold me, Bella. Please."

I stared at him. For some reason, I didn't budge when he rested his head on my chest. He looked comfortable there, and without meaning to, my right arm raised to wrap around his shoulder, to hug him closer to me.

We both needed comfort at this time. We'd gotten hurt because of each other eight years ago, and after so many years, we were finally talking about what had really mattered in the end. We had avoided talking about it for so long. It felt strange to be doing it. Finally.

He was silent for a long time. I thought he had fallen asleep.

But then, he said softly, "I'm so sorry, Bella."

I stared into space, listening to his voice rumbling inside his body and feeling the comfort in it.

"I don't think I can ever understand how hurt you were," he continued. "Not just because of my betrayal. The miscarriage impacted you the most, I know. I'm so...sorry...for causing you that much pain. I didn't realize how much damage I was doing...

"You might not believe it," he said quietly, "but I really did want the child. I might not have acted like it and I was a horrible father-to-be but I did want it. I wanted a daughter who looked just like you.

"I'm just sorry that it took my child's life for me to realize my mistake. And I'm sorry it took your trust...your love...our marriage. I'm sorry, Bella."

I was crying openly now. I felt the sincerity ringing in every word, and I believed him. I could believe him now. I knew that he'd gone through just as much as I had when I'd left him. I knew that our baby's death had impacted him too. I knew that he was truly sorry for what he had done. He was paying for his crime now.

It was something I'd always wanted to hear from him. I hadn't known it until he'd said it tonight. But I realized that it wasn't an apology or payback I wanted from Edward. It had been the truth. Had our marriage and time together meant anything to him? Had he really been remorseful when I'd lost the baby? Did he really regret everything? I'd wanted to hear it from him, in person. And now, I had.

Now that he'd told me, I felt so much better. Relieved and relaxed. The tension that had been with me for eight years, the tension I hadn't even realized I had, was leaving me. It was going to leave me alone. I could rest in peace, and I could let go of the past now.

I'd heard what had most mattered to me.

I could finally forgive Edward for what he did.

"I'm sorry..." he whispered for a final time before his eyes closed, and he drifted off. I could feel the tension leaving in his body too. Maybe he, too, had been tense this entire time, uncomfortable. Now that he's said everything he'd wanted to say, maybe he could let go of his self-guilt now too. He had been punishing himself for too long now. Edward deserved peace too. Happiness.

That didn't meant that I could forget. What happened had happened. That couldn't be erased. But to me, it mattered that he had thought of what had happened to use without missing a single day every day for eight years. It was the best anyone could've done, the worst punishment and torture.

I took a deep breath, sniffling. I looked down at Edward's somehow not so peaceful face and stroked his face softly. It had been such a long time since we'd been in each other's arms.

As soon as my fingers touched his skin, his slight frown smoothed out, and he looked relaxed. He was fine.

Rollie fidgeted slightly from beside us. I turned my head to look at him and smiled tearfully at him. He inclined his head adorably. I could tell from his wise, intelligent eyes, that he had understood everything.

"Rollie..." I said softly.

He waited patiently.

"You grew a lot," I mused, another tear running down my cheek. "You're not a baby anymore. You're nearly the size of an adult now."

He blinked once, curiously.

"I think I know why Edward gave you to me," I said. "Now that I see your grown-up figure, I understand now. He gave you to me so that you can guard me, right? He couldn't be by my side to do it himself...so he put you up to it instead."

It could've been my imagination, but he looked amused, like he was saying: So now you finally figured it out? After, what, months?

"You really do remind me of Edward, Rolls," I said softly. "You're both fiercely overprotective. You're both sweet and lovable. You really do look alike. You are alike."

I swallowed. I felt better now, but my heart still hurt. I knew now. I knew what I'd been feeling. I still loved him. Edward. I had never forgotten about him. To me, it was always him. It could never be anyone else.

But I couldn't be with him. I forgave him for what he did, but that didn't mean that I could trust him to not hurt me again. I was still skeptical. I couldn't trust anyone but myself.

How had I come so far, from a girl who had a silly childhood crush on someone who was like her brother, to a woman who was now suffering from a love that was not meant to be?


AN: What'd you think? Are you happy that Bella forgave Edward, or think otherwise? Leave me lots of reviews. But remember, I am already aware of what most of you think about what Edward did and believe he deserves more punishment. So just please, try to refrain from using curse words to describe what he did and what I should do to him. Thanks so much!