I was ready for that to be it for the night. I was given more then I had ever hoped for but his words excited and scared me. I was sure it would be to much to fast, to soon. I was ready to protest even though my body had other plans. I had even started to soften some in fear.

"I, baby, I'm just not," but I was cut off as his fingers latched on to the back of my head and his mouth latched on to mine. Words were absolutely gone as his thighs parted and I slipped between. It was home. Though just resting there was enough for me, I knew what was to come and I was shaking.

"I am sure, I want this. I want the walls all down." He was now the one holding my face in frame. He was now the one in charge even with my massive frame above him he was the one in charge here. "We have been through hell and back and that's just the past few days. Now I want it for good, forever or nothing at all."

It was a lot to bargain for, it was all I ever wanted to hear. It was all or nothing. It was the moon and the stars that came with fire blazing comets at every turn. But it was the good moments, the pleasure and pain. The highs and lows. Why the hell am I even taking a second to think about this? I must be crazy. But I am, there has been the pain of a loyal partner. Then there has been the pain I was caused time and again by the love of my life. Here he is beneath me. Bare, raw, there for the taking and here I am thinking?

I feel his arms slip away, I feel the retreat, I feel like shit for ever doubting. I feel cold and more alone then I ever did even after Jason died. This is my brass ring to grab, IT is a heartbeat away. I look down and see him, so hurt, and lost and there is no need for it. I hold his head so he has no choice but to look right at me. A horse with blinders on, and I wait until I can see his sad blood shot eyes look into mine. When they do I have to stop and catch my breath, the green is so brightened from the darkness surrounding them. I want to do anything I can to pull him out of it. I want the dark to go away and have them sparkle with sheer joy. Sappy shit but it is what I want. I will settle for the truth.

"There you are, hi." his smile is sad and lovely all at the same time.

"Hi" is is very low and quiet.

"I want you, I want to take this and roll it into an amazing night. I do. But," he tries to turn his head at the but and I am not letting that happen. "No, don't do that. Just listen." I have to wait through a few minutes of feeling his jaw tick and his body tense and relax before I am sure he is listening. "I would love to go for it completely but I just don't think this is the way we should move on right now."

It's not easy saying no to a sure thing, even more so when it is the love of your life. Even more then that the fact that you aren't sure how he will take it. He is quiet a long time and I am getting scared so I roll to the side. I want him to have the chance to leave completely if he needs to, but I keep a hand on the side of his face in hopes he doesn't. My other hand rests on his chest and the seconds beat past, then his hand comes up to cover mine and pulls it up and over his heart. The thud is a song to me. It beats, steady and strong and not in panic. It is me knowing he is here and alive. His long fingers stroking over the back of my hand are my saving breath. They tell me that my fight wasn't for nothing. His lips pressing to my hair are the finale shock to my system to give me the all clear. This patient may survive after all, his voice is the clencher that tells me for sure.

"I understand, I get it. Don't worry, and please for the love of all things please slow your heart down." I didn't even realize how fast my pulse was going until his rhythmic stroking had me focusing on it. "I swear if I have gone through all this to be left alone I will bring you back to life and smother you to death with a pillow."

I have to chuckle at how serious he sounds and move up to be face to face. Moving so we are on our sides and face to face I pull him as close as I can. Just feeling him that close is really it for me. It is a place I never thought I could ever be, a happy I never thought I would find. But it is here, it is mine. Will it have a huge price tag, probably. Will it be hurtful at times? For sure. But it is here and it is mine and I will take it.

"I can promise you that there is nothing in this world that can ever make me leave this world without you." I think over the many times I have heard him almost leaving this world and it scares me to think about it.

"Baby, I'm not going back there." his hand is on my chest and I am pretty sure I know why he has the alarmed tone. He has always been able to read me. Just a look across a room and that was it. This close he knew.

"You can't promise that," he gives me a huff and I am calling it with I hope a for reals look. "You can't. Plain and simple. But I am just going to tell you this that I know for sure. I never want to leave this bed. Good bad and the down right ugly. There is nothing but you me and this bed. So even if the mattress changes, even if the house changes. Our bed is where I will always be. I take it all."

"How can you say that? That is truly crazy talk. I want this to work, I want to say I am done and clean from now on but if I do go back there I don't want you to stay. Do you understand me. If the one thing that is good in my life isn't enough and I slip back I don't want you to see that or go through that." I know he is scared just by the way he is tensing up and talking in short bursts but there is no way I would do what he is asking and I want to make it clear as day so I lift up and cover him again.

"Frankly baby, I don't give a shit what you want. I will be there for it all. I buried a husband I didn't love enough I refuse to walk away from one I love to much. Is that clear enough for you?" Bending down I throw everything I have into a kiss on his stunned mouth. I hadn't meant to propose like that and hope he didn't catch on. There was no intention of getting that deep that far ahead that fast. I just tend to let my mouth get away from me. Fact is he is it, I had another and now the real deal. If it isn't him forever, it isn't anyone.

Thankfully he pulls right back into the intensity of our mouths and bodies. This time when he parts his legs I let myself slip between, his legs arch up and allow my returning hardness to slip low. The movement of his hips and his own erection seeking friction slip me to just the right place. As his legs stretch I slide so close. I shudder to hold back the urge as his erections presses against my stomach. Then his hips work me so close to heaven. His hands on my ass pulling me closer. I want no more then to try and push forwards. I move back though so my shaft brushes against his entrance then back. The pulsing feeling of his own excitement spurring me on to press against him to give him the friction he needs. I would give anything to slip into him as I make the pass once again.

I wish I could say it was magical and ends in some romantic crest with a swell of music, but as I feel him so close and we grind simulating the motions I wish we were prepared for I feel a building. As he grips my shoulders and his finger tips bite into my skin I know it is there. Our mouths part as we both grip bruisingly tight and our heads throw back. There is so much blood rushing to my ears I don't know how much sound we made if any at all. The next thing I hear is heavy breathing and then a chuckle. I have to let myself catch up to conscious thought. He on the other hand is a clear thinking after orgasm. His chuckle leads to full on belly laughs. Then it stops and I am on my back. Mess sweaty and hardly thinking he is over me. I am thinking now. No other choice with the way things changed again.

"Don't you dare think that counts." He is completely serious about what ever he is talking about but I wait for him to explain as I try to put all the endorphins in place. All I can do is shake my head and hope he carries on. When he doesn't so I try my best and hope my voice comes out semi normal.

"What counts? Baby? I'm sorry brain is not on the top of it's game right now."

"The husband thing." Ah, I had totally let that part slip but that is why I started it.

"Um yeah I was hoping,"

"That I would be dazzled by your mad skills and not catch on? Yup, well sorry sweetheart but crystal clear up here and sharp as a tack." He taps the side of his head and has the best smile ever on his face. It is all proud of his mad skills and one upping me. "You may be able to cloud my perfect memory for a time but the important shit is crystal!"

I'm not sure where I go here or what he wants here. I always knew he had a brilliant mind and was always underestimated but I knew.

"I um, well I" nope brain still not catching up to figure it out.

"You will do it right and well I don't know? Maybe some courting, a bit of wooing. Yeah I want wooing, and a whole hell of a lot of romance. After all a first boyfriend doesn't just go and plan out marriage and all that shit without some fancy dates, lots of dates. Followed by a big ass ring." I have to cock a brow at him and hold back a laugh. Just the image of this hard assed inked up man sporting a huge rock is funny as hell to me. I must have let it show though as I am greeted with a very hard fist to the shoulder. As I try and wipe the look from my face his hands go to each side of my head and he lowers a bit. Inches from me I am locked on his eyes, so clear and serious. "You will be giving the rocks, I am sure you can get creative in figuring out how they fit." Then his lips are on mine again. The way he is throwing into I am sure the sheets will just need to be tossed not just watched if we keep up this way. I have to be heard to though. Using my size and the lax in his arms as we kiss I take the chance to flip him so I am on top. Once again body to body. Pulling away just a fraction I have to make myself known.

"You want rocks? You got them. You want wining and dining? It's yours. All I demand is forever."

It isn't even a glimmer of a second for him to respond.

"It's your's."

A/N: Sorry. :/ the problems and reasons have been way to many. From family and back to school stuff to having my email hacked they add up. There is one more and that is it. Thanks to allt hat have stuck with me!