Good-bye was never a word I paired with him. Move on yes. Good-bye never. It was a miracle that things came to be as they did. I didn't deserve it, I blew it way to many times. The three strikes met long before we even ever touched let alone ever got to the place where we were skin to skin. The things that happened in between were my coffin nails. I knew in my heart it wouldn't last. I knew it was going to end any minute. He was to good for me. Way to pure of heart. The fates would never let it be the happy ending. Nope I was a lost cause. I had always let my feelings get the best of me. I learned over the years that these thoughts get me down, self hatred had thrown many a loop my way and this time is no different. I had slipped out of his arms as he tossed and turned. From the sheets warmed by him and out into the cool dark room. I listened for any signs that I disturbed the peaceful sleeping all around us. I didn't.

Now I stand here under the spray of hot water, forehead against the humid warming tile trying to find a way to go on. It hadn't been perfect, there was no sweet first time really. It was awkward, and lets face it a bit painful. But with his words and touch soon we got where we wanted and needed to be. I have heard that is how anyone's first usually is so I took comfort in that. I have had sex before in lots of ways. I can remember most of them. Some through a haze, most through a haze but never once sober. It seemed so stripped down and clinical. That isn't really fair I guess but it wasn't storybook either. I just couldn't shut my mind down to the actions, the movements. My mind was taking in everything and cataloging it. There was nothing seeming like it was really me. Really us. It was a process I was going through and filing away.

There, right there was my flaw. My major defect in play. When it came to actually opening up and feeling and being a part of life something in me shuts off and just takes notes. Then the emotions come later and strike out when they shouldn't. When they make no sense.

So pecks and kisses followed his release and I ease into the weight of him on me and the small sweet noises he makes as he slips into sleep. And now I stand here, familiar heat raining down, hard tile against my hard head. And alone. I want to punch the tile and scream fuck off to them all. My fist clenches above my head and I feel my shoulder tense ready to pull back for the punch. Why must I always be the one to ruin it. I have the golden ticket there, the one thing I have always wanted wrapped up in a big shiny bow and here I am. Of all the things I want right now, it would be to shut off my brain. Let it all go blank, not with a drug, not with booze, just on it's own shut down. I can feel the shaking in my shoulders the trembling in my legs and the tension up my spine. My jaw is locked tight, so tight I am sure I am going to have to get a tooth or two fixed.

Just about the moment I was ready to burst out of my skin a hand reaches in and turns the water off and another strong hand joins the first and pulls me from the confines of my self inflicted prison. Things melted from memories as a soft towel dries me from head to toe and strong arms lift me and place me on fresh smelling sheets. The air is cool on my over heated skin and the blankets are pulled up. Then I am alone. For a count of maybe three minutes, but they seemed like an eternity. Then I am pulled into strong arms and pulled against warm damp skin and muscle.

His thumb wipes a tear or two I didn't even know was there. And a soft kiss is laid on my temple. "You don't have to go there alone anymore. Never alone. It was, well, not great. But we will get better. I promise. In everything."

I can't find anything to say, no words will form. I just let my face leak like it has always wanted to. It is a silent fall of tears, I keep my breathing easy and try to find the reason for this break down. I have never bothered before, what was the point. But now I am trying to.

"Why am I like this? Why do I always take things and turn them to shit. It could have been so easy and me and my doomed cycle of life fucks it all up again." Okay so I found some words. "I have always been self loathing I think. Even when we were little, I have always had this sense of I'm not as good but I should be. No that isn't right, I always felt I should be better, that I was better. I hated that someone had something I didn't, that someone went somewhere I couldn't and fuck even if someone was happy and I wasn't."

"Baby just call it conditioning, when in doubt always blame the parents." I knew he was trying to ease the tension. He was always trying to make it better. Shine the light.

"How can you do that how can you still be here? How can I ask you to tie your self to a messed up junkie like me?"

His massive arms pulled me up and to me side. Face to face I could read him as clear as day even in the dim light from the bathroom.

"You didn't have to. You never had to ask, you just had to be ready."

"But what if I'm not." This time I could feel the tears burn and sting my sore eyes and hot cheeks..

"Then we will come to that road." I try to pull away and go now but I am held rock solid. "We will come to the road, the bridge, what ever and we will cross it, burn it, blow the fucking hell out of it. But unless you are ready to throw in the towel now. If you really want to just call it quits after all of this, then"

I can't hold him close enough or strong enough, I can't throw enough into the kiss to make it all clear but I try my hardest. If I don't leap and do it now then there is no hope left in the world for me.

"We really did it huh?" I can't stop looking at the platinum breaking up the scrolling tattoo on my hand. His white fingers laced in mine took a long time to get use to. Now the band he placed there a few hours ago is something all together new. I don't usually like new but this I will deal with happily.

"Yup we did it, better, worse, all that shit." I loved how he was lit up. His eyes sparkled and his smile was blinding, and he was beautifully all mine.

We wanted to do it small, just us a few friends and that was it. His mother had other plans. They were very scared of the whole relationship, wisely so, to start. But they, well she his mother was never going to come out with judgment, oh no. Nope after she saw how we were together over a few tense dinners she took on a new charity to back of course. Well several actually, when some of the uptights got wind of me. But she was first taking on the stigma of former addicts, even funding a few rehab centers that were low key and though private took anyone if they could afford it or not. While there they would get clean and get on a path. They would intern and get back in the world. I hated to feel like I was another social rung for her but I was talked down. Emm explained it was how she showed she cared. That was enough to get him through the years growing up so I could deal with it.

Her next venture there was never a second thought about it. About any malice. She was on the for fronts in the fights for not just civil unions but for gay marriage. Jason and Emmett only had a civil union. But she said she expected grandchildren and she wanted their parents treated as everyone else's. I found my bond with her there surprisingly. Not that I had been keen on kids or anything but it was something normal to bond over. I knew she was hoping the rehab was going to be the thing but I couldn't go there. When we were planning out the wedding I was still a virtual baby to the sober world. Two years and I still had my shaky times. But the fighting for rights, the politics behind it, they kept my mind running and gave me a rush. And I think I may have brought Emmett and his mother closer in some ways. For once she saw him as more then a cause. At first no, but once I got her out of her suits and pearls and into the real world she got to see what it actually meant. The impact it made, the families fighting to keep their children, the dying spouse being refused last precious moments, the impact of just being seen as a human and equal. So in the end we let her go crazy with her wedding. It didn't matter as long as it was official, legal and forever.

"I'm sorry you parents didn't show." he never did warm to my folks and hoonestly neither did I. They never saw it as acceptable and pretty much cut me out. Not off because they couldn't my grandmother made sure off that. But I was not spoke of in their circles and eventually they even left the state. Opting to leave it all behind. With my new last name I was just as fine to cut ties. As for the money I really didn't give a damn. I had found my home and family.

Popping another button on his tux shirt to make him look actually casual instead of his version I touch the soft tan skin there and run my fingers up his neck. I will never get tired of being able to touch him like this. Running my thumb across his jaw I see how seriously sad he is. I really don't want that. I want him to let it go too.

"Baby, they never mattered. Not once. Don't think twice about it, you are my family, and well as much as she annoys us both I have a mother now, and your dad I almost have talked into a tattoo." That got me my smile just as I leaned in to kiss my husband's mouth. His lips were still the sweetest gift the fates had ever bestowed on me. As his plump bottom lip slipped between mine and I tugged it I got the moan I relish. The sound that is my new drug of choice. Well it is a hit to get me by, there are other more erotic sounds I am hooked on but that is for the hard core hits I need.

A clinking of glasses and laughing brings us out of our own private world. Emm always the comic relief is the one to speak as I try to calm the raging in the trousers.

"I thought that was suppose to make us kiss not break it up." There is a loud chuckle though the crowd and someone pipes in and allows my get away.

"Well it's hard to find you two not glued at the mouths, it's a wonder you two even have lips left." I catch Ang's eyes as I slip away and mouth a thank you for the escape. She is beeming. If not for her I would have been dead long ago and this never would have been possible. I see her wide smile and teary eyes as she settles back into Rose's strong arms. Rose's hand strokes her full belly and she too has the same gratitude in her eyes. Those two were a shock and a blessing. Who would have guessed that a random meeting would have created a family. I have to laugh as Rose mouths one word to me.

'Fate'

I gather myself for a moment before I cross the small stage and grab the mic. I am not sure I can do this but I have to. It is all I can give him that would mean everything. So With and awkward handle on the thing I find the switch with shaky fingers and turn it on.

"Um, yeah, uh hello?" and round of hiya's hit me back. Now I am shaking even more but as he stands looking confused I know I can't stop. "Hey everyone. I just wanted to first say thanks for coming out and helping us celebrate." The roar of voices mkes me even more nervous about doing this but The piano startsa quiet warm up and I steel my self to this. I have been working on this with my father in laws help. He called in some friends, old buddies form his way back garage band days. He is off to the right of the stage and I look to him and his nod and smile are much like his son's, my husband's. The same faith in me.

"There is not a lot I can give to Emmett that can even come a fraction of close enough to what he has given me. His patience is the first thing he gave to me. His understanding the next. His faith another biggie. His love the greatest. And for him I give this. The song that sealed it for us both. On the moment it could have gone either way. The night that locked in our fate on the plus side. This is it. You and me words are all yours and I heard them loud and clear."

I take the mic, shaking as hell and hope my voice can do this. His face is watery and beautiful and I lock on it as the band kicks in.

"You push me
I don't have the strength to
Resist or control you
So take me down, take me down

You hurt me
But do I deserve this?
You make me so nervous
Calm me down, calm me down

Wake you up
In the middle of the night to say
I will never walk away again
I'm never gonna leave this bed

So come here
And never leave this place
Perfection of your face
Slows me down, slows me down

So fall down
I need you to trust me
Go easy, don't rush me
Help me out, why don't you help me out?

Wake you up
In the middle of the night to say
I will never walk away again
I'm never gonna leave this bed

So you say go, it isn't workin'
And I say no, it isn't perfect
So I stay instead
I'm never gonna leave this bed

Take it, take it all, take all that I have
I'd give it all away just to get you back
And fake it, fake it, I'll take what I can get
Knocking so loud, can you hear me yet?

Try to stay awake, but you can't forget

Wake you up
In the middle of the night to say
I will never walk away again
I'm never gonna leave this bed

You say go, it isn't workin'
And I say no, it isn't perfect
So I stay instead
I'm never gonna leave this bed

Take it, take it all, take all that I have"

As the music trails off he is at the foot of the stge, once again him and I in a sea of they don't matter. I walk to the front of the stage and let myself be pulled down. His kiss is hard and possessive and the sounds of the world are silent. I have no idea how but I am naked and falling into our bed. He covers me, he fills me and I am now the one sure that I am never leaving this bed.

A/N: Okay so it has been a ton of time and a ton of issues. I had said one final chapter but for some reason I am having issues uploading and with pretty much everything. It was complete and an update wiped most of it all so it was a clean slate start, then school start for kids and inlaws and you name it. So rewriting it was. So I am going to split the last few thousand words in to chapters and hope they will load and get out to you. The words aren't the same as first written and I lost 3/4 of them but the story is the same. Rest assured there is a steamy chapter and then an epi type chapter left. If I can load them later today as one I will if not they will be loaded before Friday.