It's been about a week since the fight... and I'm laying in my bed thinking about life. Everything went back to normal believe it or not. Well, everything but one thing.
I used to deny anything I thought I felt for Dan but now I think I'm embracing it. I accept that I have a crush on Dan. He doesn't know. He also doesn't know about that comment. He's always asking about it, but I'm still not ready to tell him.
I need to tell him but if I tell him then he'll wonder why I got so upset about it. I know I said it was just a comment but it was more. It was a fan basically telling me Dan would never love me as much as I love him. Usually, that wouldn't bother me but since I've had mixed feelings, it hurt. A lot.
I know Dan would never love me as more than just a friend. He's completely straight. He's never going to have any type of feelings for a man; much less me. But you can't blame someone for having dreams, can you?
I'm going to tell him. He deserves to know. He deserves to know everything. Nothing less than that. I get out of bed. I start to walk out of my room but took a step back realizing that I was wearing nothing but boxers. I decided I should put on a shirt and pajama pants.
I walk out into the lounge and see Dan in his typical Internet browsing position. I open my mouth to say something. What I would have said? I don't know. That's why I shut my mouth. Luckily, Dan was oblivious to anything and everything other than his laptop at the moment. I gave up trying (could I even call it trying? I haven't even spoke a word.) and went to the kitchen to fix me some coffee.
I see a freshly brewed pot of coffee. I love the smell of black coffee but I can't stand the taste. I must have 2/3 of my cup coffee and the other 1/3 creamer or milk. And, of course, I add sugar. I fix my cup and I decided to fix Dan some as well.
He likes his coffee with just milk. I have no idea how he can drink it with no sugar. Weird. It has such a bitter taste to it. Ugh!
After fixing our coffee, I walk over to Dan and sit next to him. I hand him his coffee and he takes it, nodding in thanks. I don't think I can tell him. What if it completely ruins our friendship? What if he laughs in my face? I don't think I'd be able to handle it. But what if he doesn't laugh? What if he actually feels the same way? No.. He never would.. Would he? I don't think he would. I mean look at me. Messy black hair. Dull blue eyes... No.. I should put myself down. I'm amazing... I think.
I look into my coffee, pondering all of this. Trying my best to think better of myself, and not think badly. I didn't notice Dan was staring at me until he asked, "Phil. Are you okay?"
Startled, I looked him in the eyes. I wasn't okay. I was scared. Scared of what he thought of me. Scared of what he'll think of me. Scared of having my heart-broken. Dan sets his laptop down and turns toward me. Maybe he does like me back. I mean, he puts me before almost everything. I must be important to him.
"Phil, you can tell me." Dan says sympathetically.
"Do you remember that comment that I got upset about a week ago?" I say looking down into my coffee again, not knowing where I should look.
"Of course. What about it?"
"I never told you what it said." Silence. I decide to go on. "Someone said that you would never care for me as much as I do for you." He pulls me into a tight hug. I don't hug back. My arms are laying awkwardly at my sides.
"Phil, you know I care for you. Why would you get so upset about it? You know I love you." He says. Little he knows. I laugh internally.
"Not the way I love you though," I mumble. Barley audible. I feel him stiffen. Oh my.. I've done it. He hates me now. He'll never talk to me again. I've ruined everything. He pulls away a little, holding me at arm's length, his beautiful brown eyes staring into my blue ones. My heart is beating really fast. Is this normal? I feel sick. He looks really confused and scared.
"What do you mean, Phil." He asks, not willing to put the puzzle pieces together himself. I look away.
"Dan, I think you know what I mean," And again, silence. I sigh, "Dan, I like you." I feel like a complete idiot. He looks at me with disbelief.
"You can't be serious. I mean come on. Me? You like me? Ha. You're really funny, Phil. Don't play jokes like that." He turns away from me, taking his warm hands off of my shoulder. He picks his laptop back up and continues to browse. I feel like dying right now. How could I have been so stupid?
"Dan, I'm serious." He looks like he's uncomfortable. Maybe he is. I knew it could never work. I need to leave. I get up and start to walk to my room. I stop before I leave the room and say, "I'll be gone by tomorrow."
I walk the rest of the way to my room. I close my door and grab my suitcase that I keep under my bed. I start to put my clothing in. I hear a knock on my door. I freeze. Did he come to admit his undying love for me? Yes? Maybe.. I think so. I knew it! I knew he liked me back! I don't know why I ever doubted myself! I calmed down and stopped fantasizing before saying, "It's open."
Dan came in and sat on my bed next to the suitcase. I stopped putting clothes in the suitcase to stare at him. "Are you really going to leave?" He asks, staring at the clothes in the suitcase.
"I don't want to make you feel uncomfortable so.. I guess I am." I say sadly.
"Phil..." He grips the end of the bed. "You don't have to leave." His knuckles are turning white.
"Dan, I-" I try. But before I could finish, he jumped up and hurriedly took the clothes out and threw them across the room.
"You don't have to leave," He said while looking at his feet. I didn't reply. I didn't know what to say.
"But you don't like me. It's going to become awkward," which is true.
"Why are you going to try to tell me what I do or don't feel," he sounds upset. "You don't know how I feel. I don't like you.. But I don't want to lose you." He walks out of the room. Silence. I am left staring at the place that he once stood at.
I knew it. He would never like me. Never has, never will. I don't know why I ever thought he could. I mean, look at me. I'm repulsive. I wouldn't like me either.
