It was always the Teddy Bears.
Paulina first visits Dash's room when they're twelve. It hadn't been planned and he hadn't remembered his Teddy Bear collection until they were already in the upstairs hall. He panicked but before he could even try to make an excuse for Paulina not to go in there, she had opened the door.
It was a fairly standard room. Closet with sliding doors, twin bed, dresser, desk with laptop and assorted junk; and then there was Dash's 'Comfy Corner'. This involved a giant black bean bag and his collection of twenty-seven Teddy Bears. All named and with personally assigned back stories. Multi colored, costumed, standard, and unique. He had all sorts and sizes.
It had started when he was a toddler. Bobu was given to him by his doting grandmother Bailey and had been Dash's constant companion ever since. He dragged the green bear on adventures, watched his favorite shows with him, and shared his favorite snacks.
For his fourth birthday, his parents let him pick whatever he wanted from the toy store and he acquired his second bear: Walter. While Bobu was an adventurous bear who wanted to explore the world, Walter was a tan fellow with floppy limbs who solved mysteries.
The next year, when he threw his first big birthday party, it was Whinnie-the-Pooh themed and he received not just one, but three bears. Another from his Grandma Bailey, a Pooh Bear from his parents, and one from his best friend Brayden. This one was his favorite out of all his presents. It was small and purple and had a small tag attached to its ear proclaiming it 'Mike: Loves hugs, soccer, and popcorn.'
He received his sixth bear for graduating kindergarten and his seventh one for getting good grades on his first ever report card in first grade. His mother found his love of the bears adorable and was always looking for new bears to interest her son. The crowning jewel was Delilah. She had been his seventh birthday present. Bigger than he was and so soft, he turned Delilah into his bed for the next week. Even when he rolled off, he wasn't deterred. She and her eleven friends were his most prized possessions.
It's in third grade that he starts getting an allowance. It's only three dollars a week and Dash knows exactly what he wants! He asks his parents to take him to the toy store right away! He knows where they keep the bears by heart and after careful consideration he picks out a black one with a green letterman jacket. He proudly shows his choice to his parents who explain that the bear is more than three dollars and he will have to save his money.
Dash pouts but he listens carefully as his dad explains that for a fifteen dollar bear he will have to save his allowance for five weeks. It's a crazy amount of time for the eight year old. To make sure that the bear is still there, his parents have the store manager put it aside so he can buy it when he's saved up all of his money.
Dash tries - he really does! - to save every bit of his allowance but he can't resist the pull to buy his own candy bars now and then and it takes him eight weeks to save up seventeen dollars. He presents the amount to his parents with pride and they quickly go to purchase Marcus. When he asks his parents about Marcus's fancy jacket, he decides that he wants a letterman of his own. That summer he's signed up for both soccer (in honor of his purple bear, Mike) and football (in honor of his dad).
It's on his tenth birthday that his parents give him a football and a new bike. He looks at his presents in confusion. He loves the presents but, where's his bear? He always gets a bear for his birthday. So where is it?
He asks and his parents frown at each other. He's sat down and his mother asks him, "Aren't you getting a bit old for teddy bears?"
Dash doesn't understand the question. Too old for his Teddy Bears? There was no such thing. They were his Bears and he would never outgrow them. Telling his parents this earned him more frowns.
"Most boys your age don't keep a lot of stuffed animals. Don't you think it's time to let go." It's phrased as a question but Dash could tell it wasn't one. He argued with his parents. Fought them. For the first time, he ran to his room, slammed the door, and buried his face in Delilah's stomach as he cried.
It's a month later that his friend Grey starts talking about this awesome skateboard collection he's starting. Dash, always loving the limelight, declared he's been collecting Teddy Bears his whole life and now has nineteen of them.
His friends gave him strange looks.
"Are you gay?" Chris asked with a hint of disgust and Dash scowls at him. Gay? Of course he isn't! He's into action heroes and kung fu and sports just like all the other boys. He just has a Teddy Bear collection.
"That's really weird." Voiced Seth and the other kids agree.
Things are never the same between him and his friends after that. He never mentions his bears again but something has irrevocably changed. He finally starts to consider that it's strange to collect Teddy Bears. He's a boy after all.
It's at the end of fifth grade that he gets dared to ask out the ever popular Trish Newman. He said he didn't want to and so Jesse, a boy who'd never spoken up about the bear incident before, called him a fag. Dash tried explaining that he just didn't want to go on a date with Trish (who he knew had a crush on Seth) but other kids took up the call. He didn't even realize he'd thrown the punch until he feels an unfamiliar sting in his knuckles and Jesse is holding his nose on the ground.
He's given detention for the first time in his life and his parents are called in. That night he had another talk with them about his Bears. Dash is so angry (Because he knows he's not gay!) that he picks up one of his bears, Tania (a blue one he'd bought just two months ago) and pulls back his arm to throw her.
He holds, and holds, and finally relaxes and brings Tania in front of him. It's not Tania's fault. It's not any of their fault and the thought of actually throwing any of them at the wall makes his heart ache even more than his friends' teasing.
He loves his bears and he doesn't understand why that's so wrong.
He gets in a couple more fights before the year finishes so the next year, his parents decided he should attend the middle school on the other side of town.
Dash decided he needed to build a reputation. He needed to be big and bad so the other kids wouldn't even think of making fun of him. He started by joining sports and then making friends with the 'right' sort of people. His family wasn't rich but they're certainly above average so it wasn't hard to appeal to the popular crowd along with his looks and athleticism.
His biggest ally came in the form of the Queen Bee, Paulina Sanchez. They hit it off around October and by November he wasn't just a popular kid, he was one of the elite.
It was at the winter dance that he had his first kiss. They left the gym to hang out in an empty classroom and decided to play spin the (soda) bottle. The rules were you have to kiss whoever the bottle pointed at, boy or girl. And if it's pointing back at you, you better get a mirror.
The first two kisses left the participants blushing and a few giggles traveled throughout the group before things got interesting. Hayden spins himself and using the borrowed mirror from Star, he put on a ridiculous show of trying to make out with himself. It left everyone laughing and in good spirits as Paulina reached out for her turn. She landed on Taylor and despite the general disappointment, a goading 'oohhh...' quickly rose as she went for it. The two girls kissed, holding their lips together for two whole seconds. They parted to a series of catcalls and laughter.
Dash was next and he mentally crossed his fingers that the bottle would land on Paulina. Not because he liked her (although she was very pretty), but because this was his first kiss and she's a good friend he'd feel a lot more comfortable kissing than some of the girls he only really knows by name. Star would be ok. He knew Star.
Luck was not on his side as it came to a stop on Raena. She was in his history class and was on the basketball team, but that's all he knew about her. The kiss was awkward and he pulled away blushing. Did he do it right? It didn't feel special. Is it because he doesn't like her? Is he bad at this?
Raena turned to her friend on her right and gave a small 'squee' that made several of the guys cringe. There was good natured laughter and a couple dudes patted him on the back. "Looks like you may have gotten yourself a girlfriend." A girlfriend? Raena? But shouldn't things feel really special with someone you're dating? Kissing Raena had just felt strange.
They cycled all the way back to Hayden through a series of catcalls, one more mirror make out (less spectacular than the first) and two more girls kissing when the bottle pointed towards Dash for the first time.
His heart seemed to be in his throat and he could hear it in his ears. It was much less taboo for two girls to kiss then for two guys but in typical Hayden fashion, he went for it full force. Offering a saucy smirk that made Dash's heart flutter, he quickly swooped in on Dash's lips and started moving his own. Eyes wide, Dash took a moment to process before trying to move his lips like Hayden's.
Just when he thought he might be getting the hang of this, Hayden pulled back and Dash was left stunned.
"Gross, dude!" Aaron exclaimed and Hayden simply laughed.
"The rule was whoever it lands on. If the girls gotta do it, we do too." He jovially stated with a smirk.
Dash tried to tear his eyes away from that smirk. Those lips. The way those lips had moved against his. What they had made him feel; it was like he'd turned into melting butter. Did he like Hayden? He didn't think so. Hayden was a friend. Was it because he knew him better than Raena? He glanced at said girl before looking at Paulina. He knew Paulina very well. He focused on the idea of kissing her but didn't get the same pulling sensation in his chest that he had when Hayden had learned in...
He shook off the thought and put it aside for later. Paulina went one last time (kissing basketball captain Trey Mildow) before the game was called to a close and the group made their way back to the dance.
That night, leaned up against Delilah, Dash pulled his best listener bear, Kumo, into his lap. He talked to try and sort out the experience. He examined his feelings between the two kisses, the two people, and even tried imagining different people from around the school. He came to one horrifying conclusion: he was more interested in maybe kissing a few of the boys than some of the girls.
The nagging in the back of his mind told him that it was any girl and not just 'some' but, he wasn't ready to face that.
Monday had never held so much dread. With the newfound knowledge that he wasn't 'normal' it was more important than ever to be big and strong and to like girls. But his mind wouldn't focus and his eyes would wander. What would it be like to date a boy? His heart gave a skip and he kicked the feeling down. No. He wouldn't do that.
He looked at each of his classmates, male and female, and tried to picture dating someone as a whole. He knew he was in trouble about half way through his math class.
Ryan was on the track team. He had fluffy blonde hair that floated around his ears, a lithe build, and was not feminine in the least. But the idea of kissing those slightly chapped, pink lips snuck into his mind and it stayed.
It was Wednesday by the time he couldn't take it anymore and needed to do something. They crossed paths in the hall and bumped into each other. Ryan was friendly but Dash kept forcing himself to tear his gaze from those lips. And everything, the questioning himself, the revelation from the previous week, and his hard earned popularity came to a boil. "Move it, Loser." he declared with a growl.
Ryan blinked in shock but stepped to the side. Dash's heart felt like it might beat out of his chest. Had he really just done that? Sure, he had made fun of people among his friends but outside of Paulina and Manson (who seemingly existed to stand against everything Paulina) they generally didn't have confrontations with people they didn't like.
That one action turned the school on its head over night. Suddenly, it wasn't just Paulina making barbed comments and the popular crowd wasn't just who everyone wanted to hang out with, it was a force to be feared and respected. Within a week the new dynamic was apparent everywhere. If the popular crowd approved of you, everyone wanted a piece. And if the popular crowd didn't like you, you were avoided.
And it all came back to Ryan. It was the following Thursday that Dash caught the track athlete being cornered outside of his locker. Three of Dash's friends from football were cornering him and he felt a rock land in his stomach. This wasn't just teasing, it was bullying. Had they all turned into bullies?
He went over to break it up and then he caught sight of Ryan and those forest green eyes were focused on him. His heart sped up and he forgot all about the bullying that might have been taking place because he had Ryan's attention. Dash could be his hero. And then they could hang out and maybe...
Dash roughly shook off the image of those pink lips meeting his own and scowled. It would never happen and it was Ryan's damn fault for being so... so...
He didn't find an answer. (He knew there wasn't one.) So instead of saving him, like he'd truly meant to do, Dash cornered him further. He sneered at him. Called him a loser. (Regretted everything.) But there was a certain thrill in the way Ryan's attention was focused solely on him. The way his eyes shimmered (in hurt and anger) allowed Dash to imagine them shining in a different way.
Even if there was no way now. Not after he'd bullied him.
It became routine. A couple times a week he'd corner Ryan by his locker and make snide comments when they passed in the hall. When he caught sight of the track athlete across the way and didn't make any contact, Dash hated himself. Those eyes weren't as bright as they used to be. The laughs came less often. And it was because of him. Those addictive few moments of attention couldn't be worth this.
His stomach squirmed as part of him said it was.
He was lost in thought, fighting out what was right and wrong and knowing it was all because he was messed up and trying to understand why he was messed up just because he liked boys and teddy bears. As his mental debate went nowhere, his frustration mounted and when someone put a hand on his shoulder asking if he was ok, he snapped and threw a punch. He didn't mean to–
Didn't want to hurt anyone–
His frustrations just needed somewhere to go and–
His thoughts were cut off as a fist impacted his cheek. There was no thought involved as he threw himself into the first fight and Dash was relieved. For the first time in weeks, he wasn't thinking.
The fight earned detention for both of them and phone calls home. That night Dash's parents tried to talk to him about why he was so angry, why was he in a fight. Dash refused to answer.
"Is it about your bears again? You don't need them Dash. Everything would be easier if you just got rid of them!" His mother beseeches and he's completely caught off guard.
His bears? What did any of this have to do with his bears?
He asked (screaming angrily) what his bears could possibly have to do with this when his mother screamed back, "They make you look gay!"
"I am gay!"
Silence.
He couldn't decipher the look on his mother's face and his father watched both of them from the side. "Go to your room." She ordered with steel in her voice.
"Mom-" he tried but was cut off.
"I said, go to your room." There was anger burning her words and Dash tried to explain himself.
"Mom-"
"I did not raise a faggot!"
Dash could feel his heart shatter at those words. His mother broke the stare between them, turning her head to the side and raising a hand to her mouth.
Dash ran. He slammed into his room and barricaded the door with his desk. Everything was scattered and a lot of his stuff ended up on the floor. He didn't care. He lunged at his bears and cried his heart out. His mother called him a faggot. His mother hated him because he was gay.
He heard his parents yelling downstairs and buried his head in Delilah's stomach and covered his ears. He didn't want to know. He didn't want to hear anything.
The front door slammed and one of the cars tore off down the street. Dash cried harder.
Were his parents getting divorced because of him? Did he ruin everything? Why did he have to be gay! Why did he have to be such a freak!?
He sat up and angrily wiped his tears away. Maybe his mom was right. Maybe it was the bears. He should have gotten rid of them a long time ago. Then he wouldn't have been gay, his mom wouldn't have hated him, and his family would have all been together! It was all the fault of these damn bears!
He pulled his fist back to punch them but, he just couldn't. It wasn't right. It didn't even make sense. He wasn't gay because he collected Teddy Bears. He was gay because he liked boys and what he owned had nothing to do with it.
And Dash loved his Teddy Bears.
So he put his fist down, turned his Teddy Bears into a nest, and fell into an uneasy sleep.
Dash groaned as he tried to stretch sore muscles and aching limbs. Why was he sleeping on the floor? Why did he hurt so much? As the tapping on his door came again, the events of the last day rushed back to him. Slowly picking himself up, he caught sight of his alarm clock on top of his dresser. Who was knocking on his door at one in the morning?
With the limited light from his window, Dash carefully picked his way towards to door and moved the desk just far enough to crack the door open. Who was it? What did they have to say? Was he ready to hear it?
"Hey champ." his dad greeted in a whisper. He looked tired and worn in a way Dash didn't recognize. "I - Well, I'm sorry about earlier. Your mother... just didn't know what to think. But, I want you to know, that you're still my son, and I love you."
And then a teddy bear was being offered through the small crack of the door. It was rainbow with a golden bow around its neck and he could feel tears gathering again. He pushed the desk away from his door (making even more of a mess), swung it open, and threw himself into his father's arms. He didn't ruin everything. His father still loved him and he could keep his bears and be accepted for who he was.
When he calmed down, he took the bear from his father and decided that this one would always be special.
"Your mother will come around. You know how she is about things being just right but, I need you to know that she loves you. She just needs time to adjust."
Dash nodded even though he wasn't sure he believed that but desperately wanted to.
The next day, he went back to school and the dynamics had changed again. Everyone was wary of him. It was no longer just taunting; the silent ok for physical action had been given and everyone was waiting for Dash's next move.
He went to class. He passed by Ryan without a word and went to class.
At lunch they held a private meeting. Paulina signaled that only the elites were to be there so they cleared the outside benches for their exclusive use. Paulina, Dash, Star, Taylor, Hayden, Becky and Georgie exchanged serious glances as they brought up the issue: the popular kids were becoming bullies.
Taylor was adamant that this was not something she wanted to take part in while Georgie argued that it was their right as top dog. Hayden pointed out that it didn't matter. It was already happening and what they needed to decide now was what to do about it. Obviously it wasn't going to just go away.
Becky suggested that they draw lines in the sand about what was going too far and shun anyone who crossed those lines. Paulina insisted that they couldn't bully any of the popular kids. Georgie asked if breaking someone's clarinet was going too far – they were just so annoying.
Dash wanted to disappear. This was because of him. But, for that same reason, he forced himself to pay attention. Hayden was right. What was done, was done. The social order had changed and all that was left to do was face it head on.
Different ideas were thrown around until Star spoke up. Now, it wasn't that Star was quiet or didn't have opinions – she had plenty – but no one had ever heard her demand anything before. "This isn't right. There shouldn't be any bullying. There shouldn't be shoving people or tripping them or making fun of them-" She cut herself off and Paulina took charge. Lunch was almost over so they would meet up at her house after school. They would talk about what went too far but for now, the rule was no outright violence. They weren't a group of thugs so no one should sink to that level.
That night, they went over a lot of different topics. Was shoving really that bad? What about name calling? Wasn't it right to show losers what their place was? And what about freaks like Manson? Then they talked about who the biggest losers in school were and before Dash knew it, they were suddenly making lists of all the students in school from coolest (them) to lamest (Manson).
Dash reminded himself to ask Paulina why she hated Manson so much. Like, they were total opposites, but it also felt kinda personal.
Star insisted they put clear boundaries on the things people could or couldn't say. Calling someone a loser or making fun of them a little was ok. Those were minor. But viciously attacking someone for being who they were was not ok. If someone were gay for instance (and Dash panicked because if she was bringing it up she must know and now he was the one who was going to be bullied), you couldn't attack them for it. There was a difference between being a bully and being a monster. Or did they want kids to end up dead?
Dash looked at Star in a new light. She was against persecuting people for simply being who they were. She wanted to make sure nothing went too far. She didn't hate gays.
Once it was brought up, the question of when enough was enough was highly debated. They'd all been forced through those anti-suicide and cyber bullying videos. They were just trying to put losers in their place; not drive someone to kill themselves.
They did a search on Paulina's laptop for 'signs of depression' and decided that if people started exhibiting symptoms, they should be left alone. Taylor decided to look up more and present the information in a couple weeks. Hayden volunteered to assist.
Star sat stonily on the plum couch across the room, unwilling to speak to any of them.
And Dash, Dash wanted to bury his head in his hands and pretend this never happened. He was responsible for this. He had thrown the first punch, had changed the game.
All because of Ryan.
Ryan, who didn't smile like he used to. Ryan, who walked with eyes on the floor and shoulders hunched. Ryan, who never raised his hand in class anymore. Ryan, who Dash couldn't look at without guilt but also couldn't stay away from the brief thrill of taking up his entire world.
Dash felt sick to his stomach.
As he neared home, he found he could no longer put off thoughts of his mother. He'd skipped breakfast so that he was sure not to see her this morning, but it was dinner time. They'd talk to each other, right?
There was no talking at dinner outside of his father's forced attempts. Nor would that change in the next few weeks.
Dash buried his pain over his mother's rejection deep and focused on putting those uppity losers in their place. He shoved, he tripped, and he made sure everyone knew he was top dog. Nothing was wrong there. At school, he was King. Peasants scurried out of his path and he owned the hallways. He thrived on the power he held and if, a very small if, he felt smaller than an ant as he walked home because he knew that he could be the one teased, that he was the one who was abnormal –
Something his own mother couldn't love–
Well, that was nobody's business. Not even his own.
A week and a half after the first meeting they were back at Paulina's. Taylor and Hayden had made a PowerPoint to demonstrate different signs of depression and how important it was to catch it early. They also explained triggers and how different people might react to being threatened, and how if they stepped on a landmine, they needed to stop what they were doing and back off. Those were the dangerous moments.
Next was the official lists from Becky and Paulina. It had all six-hundred and thirteen students of the school. The A-List had only their names, B-List had all the other popular students, and C-List was the longest: it held all the students who were neither popular nor losers and was at more than half the student body. The D-List contained most of the nerds, geeks, and freaks. The F-List contained ten names. Ten students almost universally considered 'weird' and unsociable.
The people on the F-List were open season being universally shunned already. Taylor mentioned that they should watch them closely since they were most likely to become depressed. Becky countered with a final sheet of paper containing just seven names.
"I actually took that into consideration. Paulina and I poked around and we found the people who seem to be having a hard time already. These are people who are having trouble at home or just in general." Becky's eyes glinted like knives as she stared down the room. "This list never leaves this room. Under no circumstances should you bother these people and if you know someone who should be on this list, add them. If things seem really bad, anonymously tip off a teacher. Don't try to fix it yourself. You could make things worse or even send them over the edge."
Loaded silence filled the room as the enormity of what could happen settled over them. All these tells to look out for, all these mysterious circumstances they couldn't change, fellow students who were already on the edge…
They went their separate ways with heavy thoughts.
Two and a half months later, right before spring break, the lists were leaked. They'd been updated once a month and had just been fixed up last week. The A-List now included Kwan (who was quickly becoming his best friend after Paulina) and Dash was glad he was on there.
Outrage rang through the entire school and when it was found that Becky made the list (even though she swore she wasn't the leak) all the A-Listers are summoned to the principal's office.
They were reprimanded for encouraging unfair hierarchy and assigned essays on why class systems encouraged discrimination. Becky's parents were called in and the rest of them were sent back to class.
Dash didn't see a big problem. So the lists got out. So what? The E-List was still safely at Paulina's house and while there were a few dirty looks from people who thought they should rank higher, most people were ignoring the whole thing. It's not like they were dictating who belonged to which group; it was just a fact that some people were cooler than others.
When he got home he did his homework, called Kwan about hanging out over break, and asked about ideas for the essay. Taking the suggestion of searching for 'class systems in school', he started clicking through links, disappointed that Wikipedia didn't have an article on this.
He was just about to start reading the articles he'd brought up when a soft knock came from the door of the home office.
"Dash..." the soft voice of his mother caused him to spin around in shock. His mother hadn't directly said a word to him since [That Word]
Well, since that night.
She stood in the doorway, hands behind her back, glancing between him and the floor. "I... I know that I was... harsh. Before. And I... I still don't think that... that... is alright. But... You're my son." She looked him in the eye. "You're my son and I love you."
And with that, she pulled a teddy bear from behind her back. It was brown and held a big purple heart that said, 'I'm sorry'.
Things weren't alright but, looking between the bear and his mother, Dash thought they could be someday.
He put his new bear next to the one from his dad. Two bears representing how two people had reacted to him being gay. One with rainbow acceptance, and one with reluctance.
Things got better. Both at home and at school.
Meals were held as a family again and while his mother still wanted him to be normal and have a girlfriend, she made it clear that he wasn't going to be disowned.
Paulina was the exclusive keeper of the lists (with Becky's constant help to keep them up to date) and Dash found different ways to use his power; both for himself and for his friends. He got comfortable with his role in the school.
Having felt secure for the past few months, Dash had forgotten about what sparked all his fear in the first place: his Teddy Bears and what would happen if it got out he was gay. He half spluttered a series of excuses as Paulina calmly turned to him.
"I chew my nails."
And Dash was dumbfounded. Paulina chews her nails? But… they always look perfect! And isn't that kinda gross? Like a nervous thing? Paulina, nervous? He just couldn't comprehend what she was talking about but what he understood, without a doubt, was that this was a secret; one that the Queen Bee would never reveal just because and Dash calmed down.
She was trusting him with a huge secret. So he would trust her.
"I'm gay."
She stared him in the eye for a moment before sitting on his bed, pulling out her history notes, and proclaiming, "I don't see why we need to make a whole presentation on the Aztecs. They can't be that important if they're all dead."
And just like that, normalcy resumed.
Dash had never felt so accepted.
Nor had his Teddy Bears.
Wow. This… got away from me. It was gonna be short but then I got caught up on the bears and then his journey of self discovery took a lot of time and then his need to be popular and finally, the bullying. Paulina was so much more straight forward. Dash, especially as he is in canon, is not the kind of person I understand.
The original draft of this chapter had all sorts of justifications for how I view bullying. Over a lot of rereads and meeting new people, I realized the conflict for Dash was between his desire to be on top and feeling like he's dirt. I hope I successfully captured his internal struggle and didn't lose credibility on kids looking out for depression.
Star has her reasons.
