Chapter Eight: Aftermath

His door was never locked. Tony knew that by now. He didn't know at first why he went there, but his gut told him he needed to. So, he drove up to his boss' house. It wasn't the first time. He walked into the house, closing the door behind him. He started to call out, when he heard tools working in the basement. He followed the noise down the stairs. But, for some reason, he stopped halfway along the stairs, looking at the man before him wearing an NIS t-shirt and jeans. He was suddenly filled with anxiety and thought he should leave. But, before he could, a voice said, "You gonna stand there all night?" Too late. How had Gibbs known he was standing there? He didn't even look up! But, just as well, Tony descended the rest of the way down the stairs and stopped again. Gibbs looked up. "What are you doing?"

"I don't know," Tony answered slowly. "I just thought-"

"No. I mean why are you standing over there? It's gonna be kinda hard to talk about whatever it is you came here to talk about if you're standing across the room," Gibbs told him.

"Right," Tony said, walking up to Gibbs. "How did you-"

"Wild guess," Gibbs returned, sitting on a stool as Tony did the same.

After a moment, Tony began, "I'm sorry I yelled at you. I was...you were only trying to help."

Gibbs shrugged. "Don't be. It's a normal reaction. I was prying."

"I'm glad you did," Tony said, meaning what he said.

"Why did I have to? You should've told me way before now," Gibbs questioned.

"You didn't ask. I didn't think it was important. I...I was scared. I didn't want you, of all people, to think I was weak or incompetent or whatever," Tony admitted.

Gibbs looked at him, slightly hurt. "Tony. You're honest. You're confident and you're loyal. You're intuitive and strong. You care. You have compassion. You are dependable. And that's the real you. All make you a capable, a good NCIS agent. All make you a great individual. And I can't believe you'd ever believe I would ever think different."

Tony looked down at his lap. "I'm sorry."

"Stop apologizing," Gibbs told him.

"I can't help it. You're saying...And I'm a mess," Tony said.

Gibbs lifted Tony's chin as he said, "You're not a mess, Tony. You hear me?"

"You really mean that?" Tony asked lazily, not really believing it and looking back down.

"If I said it, I meant it," Gibbs told him. "You don't have to pretend to be someone you're not. You can't honestly tell me that's what you want?"

"No," Tony sniffed, looking up with unshed tears in his eyes. "I just...I don't remember what it's like to not feel broken. And it only hurts when you start pretending it doesn't. And I tell people I'm okay, but...I never am. I am so sick of pretending that I'm okay when I'm breaking down inside. People, they see me all smiles and laughs, but, behind that...facade, I'm hurting and crying. And I can't fix it. And I am sorry that I'm sometimes not good enough."

"You are good enough. Every time. To me. You don't need to be repaired. I like you fine. Look at me. It's okay to be not okay, Tony. You're only human. But, sometimes you need to walk away. And, I know, the hardest part of moving forward is not looking back. But, you're not alone," Gibbs told him.

Tony smiled sadly. "You know what the sad part is? I still don't hate him. I mean, I know he'd just lost his wife. It was complicated. He's still my dad."

Gibbs looked hard at him. "He's not your dad, Tony. He's your father. Any man can be a father, but it takes a special one to be a dad. Your father isn't. He doesn't deserve you. Remember that."

Tony nodded and smiled, for real this time, for the first time since before the Michael Taylor case. "Thank you, boss, for everything." And he realized suddenly why he had come to Gibbs' house. He needed himself to realize something his subconscious had somewhat already thought. He wasn't broken. He wasn't scarred. He was hurt. He was wounded. But, in the end, he would be okay. And Gibbs knew that. Sometimes being strong means being able to cry. Sometimes moving on means being strong enough to let go. And Tony realized why he didn't hate his father. Strong people forgive. So he did. But never would it be completely forgotten. That was impossible.