So, this chapter got away from me. A lot.

It is the longest single chapter I've written for anything and I regret nothing. It was twenty-eight pages in word and 13,700+ words.I can't promise more chapters this length but I certainly hope it was worth the wait.

I sincerely want to thank every last reviewer who took the time to appease my petty concerns. (And yes, I'm well aware that asking for reviews is petty.) Thanks to the constructive feedback, I've shifted my focus when writing to include more character interaction and expanding on their issues. Hopefully this has addressed many of the concerns that were brought to my attention and has improved the overall quality of the fic.

This story will go on but in light of this interlude, I've had to rearrange the storyline. If I said a certain event was coming, don't hold me too closely to that. It's all shifted for the better.

Ghostwriter Jr: Please say you have an account. I truly loved your review and wanted to discuss the points you brought up in detail. Please give me a way to write back to you.

With all that ranting out of the way, I just want to say thank you to each and every reader out there. Without you, this story could never be a success. As several reviewers reminded me, to have a story that doesn't star Danny be a success is amazing and it's thanks to all of you. I hope to continue this anomaly of a story and prove that 'fringe fics' can go mainstream.

As music is part of Star's journey, there is a complete list of songs mentioned at the end.


Rubbing her necklace with her thumb, Star pulled her suitcase into her room for the next eight weeks. It was small; not enough room for her to lie down longways and the sheets on the bed screamed inferior thread count. The saving grace was not having a roommate and the window past the foot of the bed which overlooked a courtyard.

She emptied her possessions into the under bed drawers; putting aside toiletries and pictures on the small desk by the window. Lastly, she took out the blue teddy bear, Irvine, imparted to her by Dash. Promised to hug her back and shield her tears from the world - just in case.

Her suitcase was taken away and she was led to the commissary - an open room with a tv on one side, panoramic windows open to a field, and a few tables surrounded by red and yellow armchairs.

Star scanned the teens already lounging around with a spec of distaste before making her way to the window. She didn't want to associate with any of these people more than she had to.

"Hey, newbie, what you in for?" A dirty blonde swaggered around the couch.

To ignore or not to ignore? Well, who knew what these crazy people might do if she were on their bad side.

"Eating disorder." she finally mumbled before returning her attention out the window.

"Cool. That's what Bethany is in for, too. There's going to be a whole group of you."

A whole group? Star supposed that didn't sound too bad. At least she wouldn't be spending all her time with kleptomaniacs and who knows what else people got thrown in here for.

"Not much of a talker, are you? That's ok - you'll loosen up." the willowy girl gave a chesire grin that made Star scowl. "So what's your name, Sunshine? I'm Ashley. Self appointed Lord of All that is Awesome."

Sunshine? Yeah, the nicknames would have to stop before they could get worse. "Star."

"Star? Like make a wish on a shooting star? Huh, I would've thought something like Sarah, or Megan. You know, uber generic white girl." Star glared and Ashley brought her palms up in front of her chest. "Hey, down girl. I'm just saying."

Huffing, Star turned back to the window, rubbing her necklace. Maybe the other girl would take the hint and leave. She didn't think it was likely but hoped nonetheless.

"So, is this your first time in a crazy bin? It's ok if it is. You get used to things pretty fast."

"Of course it's her first time." A lanky brunette joined the two. He was tall; the tallest Star had ever encountered.

"How are you so sure?" Ashley asked.

"Oh please, she reeks of 'I'm not like the rest of you and the moment I'm done with this stupid program I'm going back to my normal life. I don't deserve to be here and I'm not going to talk to the crazy people who should be here'."

He sneered down at her.

Ashley playfully backhanded his arm. "Hey, she could just be anti-social."

"With a name like Star? She's a WASP. Probably one of the popular kids and everything." He offered a leering smirk at Star's glare. "Welcome to loserville, princess. No social ladder to save you from contamination."

"So what? I'm not here to make friends - I'm here to get better so that my friends don't worry about me."

"You mean so they don't kick you out of the clique. I'll give you some friendly advice: don't go back to the popular kids. They're not anyone's friends."

Star narrowed her eyes. How dare this prick pass judgement without knowing anything. "You have no idea what you're talking about. My friends want me to be 'ok' because they care about me."

"You mean they care about their social status." He cocked his head, daring her to continue.

Star clenched her fists at her side before huffing softly. She didn't have to listen to some socially impared nutcase talk about things he didn't understand.

Resolutely turning back to the window, she wondered how long it would really take for Saturday to roll around so she could see Kwan.

Did she want to see Kwan?

She frowned and contemplated further. Coming here was part of making herself worthy of Kwan - deserving of her place on his pedestal. Did she want to see him so soon?

The brunette 'tsk'ed beside her before muttering, "Arrogant brat."

Mouth open in offense and disbelief, Star turned towards his retreating figure. "What did you just call me?"

He craned his oblong neck over his shoulder. "You heard me."

Fire ignited, Star drew herself up and stalked over to the baby giraffe ignoring Ashley's 'Oh, boy.'

"You don't know the first thing you're talking about. You think you can just diss my friends and pass judgment on me with your holier-than-thou attitude? Just because the popular kids at your school had better taste than to hang out with such a sour, self-important douche; doesn't tell you anything about my friends and what kind of people they are. If anyone is arrogant here, it's you."

"Oh really, princess? Popular kids are all the same. Once they realize you're defective, that's the end of it. Did they make promises to come visit?" He mocked in a baby voice before scoffing. "Don't hold your breath."

Fists clenched, Star resisted the urge to growl. "My friends are coming on Saturday. Just because nobody wanted to see you, doesn't mean I'm in the same boat."

He tenses up and Star feels her stomach twist, fire fading. Suddenly she's very aware that she's crossed a line she shouldn't have.

"You Bitc-"

"Nate!" Ashley calls, rushing between them with her hands up in surrender. "Calm down. You don't want the orderlies involved, do you?"

He pins her with a hard stare before shooting one last glare at Star. He slouches as he releases the tension in his limbs and stalks off to a chess board on the far side of the room, hands deep in his pockets.

"I'm sorry about him." Ashley sheepishly rubs the back of her neck in an apologetic manner. "He's really opposed to 'popular kids' and shouldn't have taken it out on you. That said..." She pins Star with an icy glare that doesn't suit her. "You were out of line. Visitors here are a rare thing and not something everyone has. If your friends show up, good for you. But don't go flaunting it. That's your first lesson in crazy house etiquette."

Star gives a slow nod and Ashley breaks into a fierce grin. "Perfect! Now, what kind of music do you listen to? I recently got iPod privileges and you've just got to listen to the 'Rise Against' album my sister put on it."

And just like that, she's dragged to a couch where a mousey brunette is sketching away at what looks like a bird before having an ear bud shoved in her face. "I don't really know who Rise Against is..." she murmurs while tucking it in.

"That's ok. I'll educate you on good music."

A fast beat starts up that reminds Star of angry ballads her cousin would blast while half aware and for a moment she's back there. Jake angrily ranting and the pressure of a strangled hope that she's helping grips her heart. She shakes it off and pulls out the ear bud. "Sorry. It's not my kind of music."

"And what? Brittany Spears is? I'm not buying it. No one in here is that shallow and wholesome. You just need to find the right angry ballad to scream your pain at the world. Here, we'll try something a little less angsty."

Star gives her a dubious look but resigns herself to trying more of this music. It starts slow before a fast beat joins over the first. There are two singers, one crooning and one rapping. It's like nothing she's listened to before and although she's not sure she likes it, it's not so bad and it doesn't bring up the crippling anxiety the other song had summoned.

"Lincoln Park is classic. Ooh! I know! This one is perfect for anyone just getting in touch with their emo side." The song switches halfway through to a more syncopated rhythm and doesn't seem so different from the last one. Then, the singer comes in, and she understands.

The crooning singer is back speaking of conforming to someone else's ideas when you just want to be yourself. Feeling suffocated and trying to walk a path that doesn't suit you. It's not perfect and it's not like it spells out her life story, but she understands and it's like a pressure she didn't know is lifted off her chest as words are put to a feeling she didn't know she had.

Something must have shown on her face because Ashley is suddenly going, "Yeah! Now that's what I'm talking about!" in the middle of the second chorus.

Ashley takes her through several more bands and several more songs before she declares 'chow-time' and drags Star to a large cafeteria.

An orderly approaches her before she can get food and she's taken aside only to have the same routine she's fallen into with her friends described to her. The orderly marches her to the bathroom and she won't be allowed near one again for two hours - right before they send her to bed. It's demeaning but she accepts it and gets her hospital dinner of whole wheat pizza and string beans. Lovely.

She's finally allowed to take a seat with Ashley (because she knows the other girl would have dragged her over regardless) who's sharing a table with grouchy giraffe, the mousey girl who was drawing, and three assorted others who weren't in the commissary.

Apparently she's not the only new one and a basic breakdown of the center is given. There are three wings: shared rooms for low key patients, singles for patients to be watched or patients who refuse to share, and the unstable ward who are kept separate from the rest. Surprise, surprise - Ashley and Nate have both spent time in the last.

Rave (who Star is fairly certain isn't really named that) says that there's gonna be a total of ten people in 'Learning to Eat' Camp. Six are here already. (Star, Bethany across the room, Talin - who waves shyly from under his robin's egg hair, Rach - no 'el', and two others somewhere in the hall named Booth and Lena.)

There won't be more details until tomorrow morning but from past experience Camp will probably go 'group with camp', 'group with others', individual sessions, camp team building, and various self confidence exercises thrown in.

Talin softly asks if the orderlies are always going to stare at them when they eat and Nate answers 'No shit.' like it's the dumbest question he's heard all day.

Rach, it turns out, has been here for three weeks and may be here after camp for 'various reasons'. Lena is another 'term resident' that's going to camp.

A new girl shows up towards the end of dinner and Ashley quickly drags the blonde into their circle and strikes up a conversation. Yes, she's here for camp. No, she's never been to a crazy house before. No, she's not some popular princess who thinks she's better than everyone else. (Three guesses who the last comment's from and who it was truly aimed at.)

After dinner is 'don't make trouble' time where they retreat to the commissaries. They're allowed a half hour of phone use (supervised) which Star quickly takes advantage of. She first calls home to tell her parents that she's settled in ok and no, the crazy people aren't bothering her. (Even if the last part isn't entirely true.)

Next, she starts dialing Kwan before second guessing herself. She wants to feel comforted and loved and be reassured that she can do this.

But.

She wants to show him how amazing she can be after her transformation. A true brilliance that he can turn that look of wonder upon and Star can know she deserves it.

She calls Paulina.

Assuring her friend that she's ok and, despite the horrible room and annoying crazy people, she doesn't want to leave yet.

Kwan misses her already but Dash is keeping him occupied (at least for tonight) and Paulina bought a new blue/purple sparkle that she's testing on her toes to see which color it will compliment best.

Star brings up her thoughts on Kwan and her best friend says not to push him out too early. They're still coming this weekend, and while Star may not want him to come every weekend, not seeing each other the entire time she's up there will make them both miserable. Star agrees.

Just as they're gaining steam about a drama they'd been watching (Paulina was going to record all the episodes she was missing), the orderly gestures that time is up and they say their good-byes.

She spends the rest of the night watching cartoons (picked by a gruff boy named Roland) before they're all shuffled off to get ready for bed at 9:00. Lights out will be at 9:15 and this is Star's only chance to use the bathroom (with the orderly again listening outside the door.)

She curls up in inferior sheets, holds Irvine close, and tries to push away the fear. There's no more distractions as she lays in the cramped, unfamiliar room with no clue of what's coming tomorrow or what the other kids in 'camp' will be like or when she can just be healthy and leave this place early.

But she can't and she doesn't have any answers.

She holds Irvine closer and wonders what Dash is doing right now. If Irvine is for hiding tears and making you feel safe, does Dash miss him right now? And what about Paulina's nails? They do them together at least once a month and despite doing so only three days ago, she desperately wants to return to normal and do it again.

She wants to be spread out across Paulina's over sized mattress with various colors strewn over the comforter as they decide what just the right combination is and celebrity gossip carries through the background. She wants to be back in Dash's room with the greasy foods she only admits she loves to her best friends and comfortable talks strewn among teddy bears about everything and anything - comfortable only because of good company and plushy hugs. And -

And she misses Kwan.

Her soul aches with the weight of it and she can't comprehend him not being there come Saturday. She wants to be wrapped in his arms with the assurance that she is perfect and everything good and strong and wonderful in the whole world. She wants to be tucked against his side, dozing as Paulina conducts meetings of the elites and organizes parties and hang-outs and effortlessly has the school chasing after her whims.

She wants Kwan to smile like she's an angel come to bless him by her mere presence and she wants to give him twenty bucks so he can spend the day treating her like a princess. She wants to be every bit as perfect as his eyes tell her she is.

But she isn't.

And that's why she has to stay here and fight through it. For every smile, every look of devotion - she was going to be worth it. First step: become strong enough that she wouldn't hurt him again. She could do anything to him: hit him, scream at him, tell him to get lost; but seeing her hurt-

Knowing that she had made him cry because she was hurting-

She needed to get better so that she never caused him pain like that again. She needed to get strong enough so that she knew she was everything he saw in her.

So she needed to stay. No matter how much she just wished she was wrapped in his arms instead of wrapping her own around a skinny bear.

The next day was better and worse. Ashley had apparently decided they were friends now and was at her side all throughout breakfast letting out a low whistle at the packed schedule Star was handed. "They're keeping Camp busy. Ugh. You have Haines for personal. I'd suggest not bringing up any relationships to him. He thinks they're always unhealthy and will prod you to break up 'for your own good'. I'd put in a request for someone else as soon as possible. Say you'd rather have a female to talk to one-on-one. That it would make you more comfortable."

With that warning, she warily followed an orderly alongside Talin and Bethany to a large room decorated with motivational posters and eleven folding chairs in a circle. Rach was already there alongside an asian boy Star didn't recognize.

No one seemed particularly interested in talking which suited Star just fine as she examined her navy blue manicure with silver-white stars. It would start chipping in a week or so and she wondered how she'd be able to take it off or if they'd even give her the option. Nail polish remover didn't seem like a substance they'd just casually hand over to a patient.

A red head in a yellow, no sleeved, turtle-neck sweater and khakis holding a clip board took a seat three chairs to Star's left and she could only assume this was Doctor Tara Singleton. A low ponytail and simple black leather wrist watch made her look sensible and Star forcefully pushed away her instinctual dislike of a therapist and tried to give her a chance. She seemed reasonable enough and her sense of style wasn't completely stuffy. At the least, she hadn't worn in a lab coat.

A few minutes later the last of the chairs were filled up with Talin on her left and an unfamiliar girl with long black pigtails on her right.

They started with introductions. Name, something about themselves, why they're here, and what they hoped to accomplish by the end of their stay.

The first was Bethany who liked poetry and wanted to 'not suck'.

Next was the asian guy she'd seen earlier. His name was Hiro, he liked video games, and wanted his parents to be proud of him.

Shauna (the blonde from dinner the previous night) wanted to leave because she 'had everything under control' but fine, she was bisexual and anyone who didn't like it could shove their opinion 'where the sun don't shine' - only in more expletives.

Star gave the therapist credit for not telling the girl to 'fix her language' or do anything other than nod in acceptance and make a note. Maybe not so bad.

Tori was paper thin and made Star's skin crawl. She was clearly the worst case there. She was a fan of musicals and had to choke back a sob when she declared that she wanted to not be so weak. It sounded more like a helpless prayer.

Booth was a punk with a nose stud, two piercings on his left brow, three on the top of his right ear, and upside down crosses hanging from where Star had heart shaped studs. He liked heavy metal and wanted people to leave him alone.

Rach had a knack for finding things that weren't hers (she snickered and the girl on Star's right muttered 'Klepto'.) She wanted to get out of this place one day but, beggars can't be choosers...

The girl next to her was Lena who had hopes of one day 'being a productive member of society'. The sarcasm in that statement delegated any sincerity it might have otherwise had and finally added that she liked smoking and couldn't wait to get out of here so she could 'get some real stress relief'.

Star introduced herself as liking tv dramas and painting nails with her best friend. Her declaration of wanting to leave here as 'someone worthy of being worshipped' got many disbelieving looks and a few scoffs of derision. She didn't care. If she was going to become a better person, than she couldn't lie about who she was now.

Talin confessed to being emo in the 'cultural movement' way and not just the 'I'm depressed' way and Star honestly didn't know the difference. His goal was to get better.

Lastly was a short girl with a platinum pixie cut. Max was sixteen, not twelve, and didn't appreciate being treated like a child regardless of how she looked. She wanted to be 'stronger than this'.

The therapist introduced herself as 'Just Tara will do.' , had a certain enjoyment for sunflower seeds and corny romance movies, and became a therapist because, 'While caring for someone's physical health is noble, without a sound mind it all counts for nothing.'

She started a question and answer session where, hands raised, they could ask another member of the group to clarify something or for more information about themselves, herself included. They were encouraged to respond but not required.

Rach was the first one called and immediately asked Star about being worshipped.

"I want my boyfriend to worship the ground I walk on and not feel like I'm cheating him. I want to be everything he thinks I am."

Red-brown curls moving in time with her snickers, Rach declares that she likes Star.

Questions mostly turned towards each others' interests; getting comfortable before having to face the six cases of anorexia and four cases of bulimia that was the elephant in the room. Or elephants. Whatever. Star didn't care too much about the metaphor.

They would have group sessions Tuesday and Thursday for an hour and a half before going outside for some 'team building and self-esteem exercises' with Doctor Michael Hosenburg or, Doc H.

He was middle aged with a slight bear belly and an overall warm demeanor that made the silly exercises he put them through slightly more bearable. He let them go early with well wishes for them to relax until lunch at eleven-thirty.

Afternoons were full of individual sessions. All of them would have hour long turns with the art therapist, Greg Mallory, twice a week (Wednesday and Fridays for Star) and the individual therapists would be giving them initial evals today and tomorrow. How often they'd meet with them would depend on these evaluations but for now they'd each see them twice a week for the first two weeks. (Monday and Thursday for Star.) This meant that they each had one afternoon entirely off per week, at least to start, and Star was pleased to be sharing her day off with Talin.

Monday and Wednesday would have the first hour free before two hour group sessions with a mixed group including kids who weren't part of Camp.

Friday would have even more self-esteem and team building as well as nutrition classes.

On the third week they'd hold an optional 'family session' where any parents or siblings would be invited to sort through problems together. Star decided not to bring this up to her parents.

They were all given pages of personality tests and questionnaires that Lena advised them to 'try and sound normal' on. How did you sound normal vs not normal on a question about how much you liked reading? Star resigned herself to writer's cramp and being as honest as she could. To get better, she had to know what was wrong in the first place.

Half the group was called out at one point or another for initial meeting with their therapists. Star sat down in Dr. Haines office massaging her wrist and eying every corner with suspicion. It wasn't a bad office, per say, but Ashley's warning rung in her ears. If this guy was going to declare her relationship with Kwan as 'wrong'...

The session was stiff and impersonal. Star couldn't put her finger on it but there was something cold and detached about him that just rubbed her the wrong way.

She goes with Ashley that night down to reception and requests a female therapist.

Mixed group the next day is different. There's twelve of them (five from camp, five term residents, and two from the unstable ward who might move to term soon.) Rach is there. Max, Booth, and Hiro from group. The mousey drawing girl who she finally learns is named Ealani or 'just Ee-ah'. Nate is there too, sneering across the way. He'd taken one look at her and sat as far across the way as possible.

Introductions go much like last time but issues are more varied and term residents are more comfortable talking about it. It's routine for them and Star resists the urge to fidget. Listening to their pain is vaguely like listening to Jake except more sarcastic and she knows it's not up to her to save them.

Ea is here for depression and some minor heroin use. Star's eyebrow nearly catch her hairline. The quite girl before her doesn't suit her image of a 'druggie' at all.

Nate is here for 'being a fuck up' but clarifies at prodding from Doc H (who Star is more than comfortable with running the sessions). He's in here because suicide is not an option and beating up his problems didn't fix things either. He's done a bit of everything ranging from cutting, minor drug use, arson, to egging someone's house. He's apparently 'Borderline', whatever that means, and has been in and out of the bin for the last couple years.

Doc H asks why they think they have the issues they have. Rach says she steals things because she wants attention and wouldn't do it if someone would just love her. She's rolling her eyes and fluttering her lashes at an imaginary lover and it reeks of Rach not believing that at all.

Max probably has the most helpful answer when she says, "I'm here because my behavior is wrong. No matter what I feel, there should be better ways to deal with it than refusing to eat."

Roland (all dreadlocks and attitude) says that if his father had stayed he wouldn't be like this and it sounds like an excuse he's used a hundred times over.

And that's all Star can see it as. Paulina was right on the money when she said that Star was responsible for her own actions. No one made her do it.

Roland's absent father didn't make him do cocaine or beat up kids in parking lots.

Star considers her answer carefully. Why did she do it? The best she can find is, "I wanted to be more perfect." , but there's something more there that she can't quite pinpoint.

That afternoon she has her first meeting with the art therapist and he takes her to a room of mirrors. It reminds her of the dance studio where she once picked Paulina up for a sleepover except three of the walls are covered instead of just one.

He gives her a pack of mirror markers and tells her to draw what she feels.

She's never brazenly defaced property before (even if it will wash away) so she's hesitant as she draws a flower. She makes it about eye level and as she steps back from the mirror, she moves until it looks like it's sitting in her hair. She stares at herself and wonders if this is right. If she looks right or if she's pretty enough and before she knows it she's marking up the space in front of her with arrows led from insults, x's and slashes to hide the parts she doesn't want to see. Wild zig zags stretch around the mess she's made and stepping back, Star lines herself up as best she can and feels pressure build in her chest.

The image in the mirror is marred and screaming despite the silence in the room and the small flower she started with feels like a cover up, or maybe the one small piece of good. She feels like Kwan is staring at the flower and doesn't notice the rest of the noise.

Greg talks to her about what she sees and what he sees and why did she draw it the way she did. She leaves the session feeling raw and tired.

She's shuffled off almost immediately to Dr. Singleton's office to see if she's a better fit. The session with Tara is better than Dr. Haines but she just feels too raw. She ends up talking about her session with Greg and how scared she is from all the anger poured into the mirror. She didn't realize there was so very much to hate. Her weight wasn't the only thing and she doesn't want to know what else is wrong with her.

Tara gives a gentle prod that it's not what's wrong with her, but what she's still learning to love. It rings hollow but Tara means no harm so Star lets it sit there.

Star talks about Paulina a bit and how much her friend hates her nails. She wonders if the nails are the only thing her friend hates about herself and finds the answer without searching. She's sure it isn't but the latina is too strong and too prideful to ever be ruled by such insecurities. Paulina would sooner crush her issues into dust beneath her heel than be a slave to anything.

Does that make her nails a coping mechanism?

Tara thinks it might be but it sounds like her friend is handling things in a healthy manner.

They end the session there and Star will be meeting her on Tuesday and Thursday which leaves Monday as her free day. She'll have to figure out who shares that.

Thursday is back to group and Tara invites them to talk about their families and friends.

Tori breaks down talking about how her parents don't even see her. A year ago her dog died and she had to bury him in the yard by herself. Her mother had asked a week later where the dog was and gave a small 'too bad' when she heard what had happened before leaving for a party. She's fairly certain that if the hospital hadn't called about her collapse, her parents still wouldn't know something was wrong.

Star can't imagine her parents not seeing her like that. They're busy socialites with multiple business ventures, but they always make sure to have dinner with her when they can and once a month there's 'family day' where they'll go somewhere together and just have a good time.

Especially since Jake.

If Star ever started locking her parents out, they would have called for professional help immediately.

Max does ballet and the peer pressure to be lighter, better, stronger, more flexible... it's baffling to Star. She knows Paulina works hard as a cheerleader and a dancer but her friend is always the one who expects the most out of herself. Others' opinions would never hold so much sway but for Max, ballet is her world and being light as a feather is so integral to the art form that not eating was an obvious choice.

But it's become a disaster. If she doesn't change her ways, she may never dance again and lack of nutrition could stop her from walking by the age of thirty.

It feels like ice water washes down her spine as Star realizes the long term consequences of what they're doing.

Lunch has Ea questioning the necklace star is once again rubbing smooth. "What is that? It looks kinda like a weird question mark."

"It's half a heart. My boyfriend got it for our anniversary."

Nate snorts down the table and Star shoots him a glare. "Anniversary? So you're talking like, one month, right? That's cute and all, but don't expect him to be waiting when you get out."

"For your information, it was for our one year anniversary. Kwan will be there."

"Ooh! Is this the boyfriend who worships the ground you walk on?" Rach buts in.

"Worships the ground you walk on? Stop flattering yourself, princess. No one waits for people outside the crazy house. Either they end up in here with you or they realize you're not worth the effort."

Star grips the edge of the table to stop herself from throwing something at him. "I am worth everything to Kwan. He promised me forever and that's exactly what he's going to give me."

"Forever?" Nate snorts. "Think rather highly of yourself, don't you princess."

Star draws up every bit of haughty assurance that comes with being the top of the social ladder. "Some of us just know our place in the world."

"You pretentious little-"

"Nate!" Ashley calls and pushes his shoulder to stop him from rising out of his seat. "It's not worth it." She makes a pointed glance at the orderly. He scarfs down a few more bites of his half eaten lunch before stalking off.

It's after dinner that Star finds herself on a loveseat with Ashley exploring more music. They're half way through a song about a fatal love that's sad and sweet when the other girl exclaims, "Oh! I can't believe I didn't think of it before! Avril Lavigne. You've probably heard a couple of her more pop songs from the charts but she's perfect for you. Here."

A new song starts playing. A ballad of feeling alone and wanting someone to find her. It's good but not even half way through, Ashley switches it again.

Soft guitar picks up to talk of being strong and how she doesn't need to be with him near. How his words echo through her head and she just wants him to be there. Not even through the first chorus Star finds tears streaming down her face and forces herself not to straight out bawl so she can make out the rest of the song. It's everything she's feeling and she feels the loss of Kwan's arms around her more succinctly than even that first night.

Ashley pauses the song panicking over her tears but Star simply reaches for the iPod and presses play again. "It's perfect."

She puts it on repeat a couple times and lets herself break down to the soft rock and wishes for Kwan to be there.

Ashley's arm lays gently across her shoulder and when she finally lets the song fade out and pauses any more from playing, she wipes her eyes and turns to the crazy girl she might actually call a friend.

"Thank you."

She dives into the pyromaniac's (and that had been both more and less surprising than Star thought it would be) music stores with new vigor. She understands. The angry songs, the longing ones, she feels them in her breath and bones and searches out for more songs that resonate with who she truly is.

Ashley is content to let her browse; adding her two cents on whether she likes a certain song, tid bits about the band, or suggesting others Star might like.

That night Star falls asleep with that first song ringing in her head and an appreciation for music she's never had before. She doesn't think she'll ever like all the songs Jake used to, but she understands why they were on and wonders when they stopped letting him feel through them. It must have hurt terribly for the things that used to sooth you not to work anymore.

Star decided that music was never going to lose meaning to her. She'd have to show Kwan some of her new favorite songs when he came by on Saturday.

Friday passed in a haze except for nutrition class scaring the bejeezes out of her with all the negative consequences of eating disorders. The next seven weeks would focus on how to eat healthy.

Star was determined to get it right and not end up a mess ever again.

Visiting hours weren't until after lunch and nervous energy bubbled under her skin. Doubt crept in and Nate's ear bug of 'they aren't coming' was impossible to shake. But they had promised and she had talked to Dash just last night about how they were bringing a couple board games and a six pack of strawberry soda for her.

Lunch was just wrapping up when an orderly led her friends into the cafeteria. Ignoring everyone around her, Star was out of her seat and flinging herself into Kwan's broad chest. He stumbled back a step but she didn't worry; he'd never let her fall. She clung to him, feet off the ground, and breathed in his presence like a balm to her weary soul. He was here.

When she started to draw back he gently placed her on the floor and she finally turned to look at her best friends. Paulina was wearing a blue halter dress that brought out her eyes and complimented her silver nails and Dash was carrying board games, soda, and Kumo the Listening Bear.

She beamed at them and laced her fingers with Kwan's in perfect contentment.

"I brought a set of nail polish but we'll have to be under supervision if you want to do that." Paulina states. Star can't help feeling like nothing's changed and it's almost like she's not in rehab at all.

Almost.

Rach has made her way over, bouncing on the balls of her feet, and examines Kwan up and down. "So this is the boyfriend who worships the ground you walk on? Pretty fine, if you ask me." She turns her attention to Dash and lets out a small whistle. "You single?" She asks and Star simply rolls her eyes.

Rach isn't serious and as amusing as it is to see Dash blush and flounder for a response, she prods him to "Just be honest. No one in here is going to judge anyone for anything because we've all got issues." And saying 'we' is somehow the most important part of that sentence.

The football player blinks at that for a moment before shyly coughing and looking away. He scuffs his foot, glances away from everyone, and quietly declares, "I'm gay." It's the first time he's said it so publicly and Star can't help but feel pride for him.

Ashley stares with jaw dropped before, "That's hot." and Dash turns into a fire engine. "So, aren't you gonna introduce us to Mr. Forever?"

She can feel Kwan beaming at the impromptu nickname and agrees with the sentiment. "Dash, Paulina, Kwan, this is Rach, Ashley, Talin, and Ea." She gestures to the four who've come over to check out her friends. "Guys, this is my best friend, Paulina, my gay friend, Dash, and my boyfriend, Kwan."

Dash looks slightly uncomfortable with the introduction but doesn't say anything against it.

Nate slinks over, hands in pockets, half a head taller than Kwan and Dash (who amazingly always seem to be within an inch two of each others' height). "So this is Mr. Perfect. Do you know she talks about you like some love sick slave who's just there to worship her?" He mocks.

It doesn't have the intended effect when Kwan just beams brighter. "She does? I'm so glad she sees it that way!" He smiles down at her and Star feels a moment of perfect contentment. However goofy that statement sounds to others, she knows he's perfectly sincere and ecstatic that they're on the same page. Even more so that she tells it like that without any shame or discomfort. She knows he worries about putting too much pressure on her.

Nate's face is twisted into a sneer of 'you've got to be kidding me' when she looks at him in triumph. He glares at her before drawling, "If your set on worshiping her, get down on your knees right now and declare her perfection. Or is that too demeaning for you?"

Star seethes at the attempted mockery but knows that Kwan will do it, if only to prove his devotion to Star.

"I won't." He speaks softly and Star looks at him in shock. He's wearing the same small, sad smile he had back in seventh grade when he first said he wouldn't date her. "I want to, truly. I'd love nothing more than to tell her how wonderful she is. But she asked me not to. She said that she was going to get better so that she deserves every word I say. It doesn't matter that I think she's perfect. This is about her and until she's ready to believe in her own perfection, I won't trouble her with my opinion."

Star brings a hand to her mouth and doesn't know if she wants to laugh or cry. Maybe both. That is so Kwan and so perfect and the most loving way anyone can ever be told that their boyfriend won't say 'I love you' on the face of the earth.

Nate seems too floored to continue attacking and slinks off silently.

"Wow." Rach breaks the silence. "You were not kidding about being worshiped. Have you ever considered that he belongs in here too?"

She lets out a small laugh and guides her friends to a corner of the commissary. They play Life and Blockus, drink soda, and pal around like they're back home. Star basks in the normalcy, intent on holding onto every moment until they meet again.

When they leave, just before dinner, she hugs Paulina around her box of nails supplies with promises to do it next week. She's picked up by Dash and sincerely thanks him for letting her borrow Irvine who's been a great help. She gives a small kiss to Kumo's forehead for all the woes he's listened to for the past few months and parts with a gentle rib about not talking the bear's ear off about Danny.

Kwan smiles like she's the most radiant sunset he's ever seen and Star wonders how she ever doubts he might not look at her like that one day. She knows it's forever. She just has to believe it.

They kiss, slow and sweet, and Star hopes he knows how much she'll miss him every day.

Dinner is full of gentle ribbing about her friends and the general disbelief that her boyfriend is exactly as she described him. Hell, that he's pleased to be seen that way. It's the gossip of the center for the next three days even though she wasn't the only one with visitors.

A week goes by and Star tries not to let the stress get to her. So much talking and feelings and so much hurt that she doesn't want to listen to. But every time, people seem relieved after they've talked and Star inwardly squirms in discomfort.

Tara thinks that her relationship with Kwan is sweet but that they should both be careful not to take advantage of each other since a relationship like that can become codependent. She introduces Star to the topic of BDSM and explains to her that it's not strictly a sexual thing and that she should look it up so the two of them can more firmly DTR, or 'Define the Relationship'.

Star thanks her and promises to look it up in a couple years at the urging of Tara's slight blush. Whatever the sexual side is must be embarrassing and Star hasn't felt any need for more than kissing. One day... but not yet. There's more important things to do right now.

The next weekend visit finds them in a private room with an orderly casually reading a magazine. The girls do nails while the boys talk about the latest in baseball. She's borrowed Ashley's iPod for the day and Paulina brought a set of speakers. Star tells Kwan which songs to put on and talks about which ones she likes best as her nails dry. They discuss their different tastes in music and while Paulina isn't particularly excited about any of it, Star catches her slight interest in one of the more punk pieces that come up. Star can never fully shake afternoons with Jake though, and doesn't think she'll ever appreciate such music.

They both enjoy Avril Lavigne though and it turns out Paulina has a lot of her cds. Kwan holds her hands, careful of the polish, when she shares the song she cried to. She talks about her revelation to music and how she holds it dear. Kwan looks almost in awe as she speaks passionately about how it makes her feel connected and grounded and free all at once.

He doesn't say anything and Star is grateful. He was right about her not needing to hear it. It would just add more stress, more pressure. One day, she'll be ready. One day, he'll sing her praises and she'll bask in the surety of them. But not yet.

She's not ready yet.

The next week is bad. Her sessions with Greg dreg up feelings she didn't even know she had and as much as she cries, and hurts, and wants to run; she faces them down because it's important that she sees this. That she understands who she is and fights it. Curbs the parts she doesn't want and grows the parts she does. Like pruning a rose bush.

She tells him she's never been much of one for gardening.

It's on Thursday after a team building session that she finds herself on a bench in the courtyard, talking to Doc H. She spills out all her confusion and how she doesn't know what direction to grow 'better' in.

He tells her that life isn't about not having problems or shedding the ones we do. It's about learning to deal with them in a positive way and as long she does that, she'll always grow in a positive direction.

She ponders this for the rest of the day and tells Kwan not to come that weekend. She feels like she's moving right now and if she sees him before she reaches her destination, she'll slide right back to where she was.

Family therapy the next day is a very awkward affair according to Talin. Mostly parents and siblings talked about how they'd discovered something was wrong and exchanging phone numbers for their own support groups. There'll be another session in two weeks and Star decides to invite her parents this time. It feels a bit wrong to block them out of her life like Jake locked his parents out of his room.

Saturday brings just Paulina and Dash, who's carrying a bouquet of ten black roses like that song she likes, one red for true love, and one light pink for admiration. Even if Kwan can't come in person, he still sends his love.

Star runs her thumb over the faded 'Forever' etched into her necklace and thinks of buying a new set. This time, it will be her promise to him.

Ashley is a lively source of fun throughout the entire center and for whatever reason, has declared Star among her closest friends. She doesn't know why the other girl claimed her as such, but she's grateful to have found such a good friend. Even if she is crazy.

Talin has become a solid companion and Rach bounces from group to group, sometimes tormentor and sometimes friend. Star is among the lucky few who have her approval and is safe from the girl's sticky fingers.

Max gets put in isolation on Tuesday for throwing a fit and overturning chairs and tables in the roommates' commissary but she comes back better for it. Breaking down had helped her put the pieces back in a way that moved her forwards.

Star wished that for all the crying she'd been doing, she could find such a change in herself.

Tori was still fragile and it was agreed she'd be stuck here long after camp. Apparently she'd asked her parents to the family session and they'd never shown up.

Lena and Booth had hit it off, drawing Hiro, Shauna, and Bethany into their fold.

Rave was Ashley's 'Master of Gossip' and truly seemed to know everything that was happening throughout the whole center. Star likened him to a quieter, less ambitious Becky.

Chris was a punk with neon green hair who'd moved out of the unstable ward into the shared rooms. He was planning to get out by the time school started. After all, burning down his neighbors shed was completely justified. He'd come here instead of juvie on account of his cutting and a very good lawyer. He and Ashley got along like a house on fire (pun most definitely regretted) and Star feared them having a common enemy. Or just hanging out in general without supervision.

Nate had stopped antagonizing her every chance he got and they were mostly civil to one another. Mainly with Ashley mediating any contact. He still found her a self-entitled princess and she still found him an arrogant, self-absorbed douche. It worked out.

It's week four on a Thursday when Bethany chokes out the story of her brother's attempted suicide, her black bob cut doing nothing to hide her tears. He'd survived but nothing was the same after that. Her parents fought - blamed each other; blamed him.

Bethany had been left to her own devices trying to claw her way into the popular group of her school just so she could be noticed. There were parties, boys she didn't like, girls she couldn't stand, and she'd even given her virginity to one of the coolest guys around just so she could stay in the top tier. At sixteen she felt washed up and used even as she tried to cling to the vague connections she had.

Star feels her stomach twist at the descriptions of one set of popular kids and wonders if she could have bent herself as much as Bethany has just to stay on top. Luckily, she doesn't have to think of it because that's not who her friends are and she will never be faced with those decisions.

These are the kind of 'popular kids' that Nate must have faced and for a brief moment, she pities him and whatever shape he'd bent himself into to comply. Or maybe he hadn't complied and that's why he was ridiculed? It wasn't important. She just didn't want to be associated with those type of people.

Lena brings up the comparison between Star's friends and most of the popular kids they've encountered. She sneers slightly when she says Star comes from such a sheltered and nicey-nice town for that to be the popular crowd.

Star counters that not everyone who's popular has to be a monster.

Hiro diplomatically states that she's more of an exception that proves the rule.

Star likes to think that in a place like this, of course kids come from the worst strides of life and that there are plenty of schools out there where the elites are more like her and less like the vultures they describe.

She ponders long and hard for the rest of the week. Her parents come this weekend instead of her friends and she asks them to Family on Friday. They'll be there.

She quietly asks as they're leaving if this place might have helped Jake. They tell her not to dwell on it. It might have or it might not; it won't change what happened.

It's Wednesday at mixed group when she spits out, "I found my cousin's body."

The room goes silent at her declaration. It's week five and this is the first time she's spoken in any group that wasn't part of a discussion or by direct invitation. She doesn't know why she said it but now that she has it's like word vomit and she can't stop.

"He'd always been on the wrong side of the social hierarchy since middle school started and one day he just..." The room and its occupants feel like a distant thought as she orders just how she wants to tell Jake's Story.

"He was my favorite cousin and our families were close - we'd go see them about every other week. It wasn't so bad at first. But by eighth grade, he would always have his door locked and wouldn't talk to anyone. I forced my way in there and he told me about all the bullying and the hateful names they'd call him.

"It was sometime in February he started the drugs.

"I was terrified to visit him after that point. It was like something had broken in him and it all just came spilling out. He'd speak of anger and pain, violence; towards himself or others. He'd sound so lost as he raved about all that was wrong with his life; the world. Everything."

She sounds surprisingly bitter as she carries on. "I didn't want his pain. His anger and hatred. This darkness that had taken over his life. I didn't want to be a part of it.

"But I felt like I had to. I came back again and again because I felt like no one else was listening and if I didn't, I'd break him."

She swallows around the lump in her throat. "By the end of March, it was getting worse and I was so scared because I didn't know how much worse things could even get."

Tinged purple and with a trail of dried blood underneath his nose, he looked haunted even in death.

The thought strikes her that she shouldn't have been so surprised that Ea had used drugs. But that's a thought for later and the word vomit isn't done yet.

"He'd ODed the previous night. I-" She braces herself with a grimace. "I'm so sure that he wanted me to find him."

Her voice has dropped to a whisper and she just feels drained as she confesses what she's always believed and tries not to feel like she's deluding herself into thinking she's more important than she is. Like Nate says she does.

Because she knows Jake - knew. Knew Jake and truly believes this was his last wish.

"I think he wanted me to be the one to find him. I was always the one who broke into his room and he would've known I was coming. It was his last good-bye to be found by someone who still cared and I- I hated him for it." The words are out before she can even think and all they feel is true. She doesn't recognize the vitriol in her voice as she carries on.

"I just wanted things to get better and he chose me to be his messenger. The one person to carry on his pain and anger and let the world know what had happened. I was ten. Ten years old and forced to tell my aunt and uncle that their only son was gone. I wanted to go back to painting nails and watching episodes of Spongebob. I didn't want this burden and didn't know what he was even asking. Did he want me to stop something? Call out all the bullies who'd led to his death? I didn't know. I don't know. It wasn't fair and I didn't want to be part of it! It was his pain and he should have taken it with him!"

She's drawing heaving breaths and doesn't know if she's angry or lost or what she feels. She just knows that she's mad at Jake. Mad like she's never realized before and doesn't want to hear about it.

She leaves and doesn't look at anyone's reaction. She doesn't want to know what they think. She just wants to leave it all behind and hopes if she runs far enough it can never reach her. She breaks down crying in a corner of the courtyard and wishes it would all go away.

She doesn't know how much later it is that it is that someone takes a seat next to where her arms are pillowed on the bench.

"You're cousin was weak." Nate states neutrally and Star can't find the energy to tell him to go away. "Spilling all his troubles on a ten year old and then doing the ultimate run away by killing himself? What a loser."

There's a prickle of anger but a large part of her agrees with his words.

"I didn't know you'd seen something like that. I thought you were just some petty cheerleader type who got caught up in being pretty for their boyfriend or keeping their position in the clique. I guess I should be a little less judgmental."

Star snorts and brings her head up to look at him. "You think? And aren't you a cutter?"

"Cutting, yes. But that's about the pain. And like I said, suicide isn't an option. I may not have good coping mechanisms, but I refuse to flat out run away. Your cousin was a fool. And a coward. And a-"

"I get the picture." She rolls her eyes at him but makes no move to justify Jake's actions. She agreed with Nate. And wasn't that a sign of the apocalypse?

"How old was he? I know how old you were, but what about him?"

"Fourteen - same age I'll be on Sunday. It was his last year of middle school."

"What a jackass."

Star raises an eyebrow at him because that's going just a touch far.

"What? He was. But enough about him. You've got good friends and a boyfriend who literally worships you - and he's got to have a screw loose to act like that - so what drove you to end up here?"

She mulls over the thought because as much as she's mad at Jake and has carried this pain and anger burning under the surface, it really didn't drive her to obsess over her weight like this. The biggest factor was probably...

"It was Kwan." Nate gives her a look of complete disbelief but she ignores it and rearranges herself to sit on the bench next to him. "Kwan literally worships the ground I walk on. And that feels like a lot. I started panicking. What if he woke up one day and realized I wasn't as wonderful as he thought I was? What if he stopped being blind to all my faults and felt like I had been lying to him? What if we got into high school next year and he found someone more worthy of his attention?

"I'm just," she pauses at a loss for how to put this. "Star. I'm just 'Star' and I'm not perfect."

"When Paulina caught me in the act, she marched us all straight over to Dash's house. She dressed me down about why I shouldn't be doing this and how bad it was. All three of them did. Then Paulina dressed Kwan down for treating me like this. She put it best when she said that he needed to understand that I was his girlfriend, not a deity."

She giggled.

"He looked so shocked. It was like- like he couldn't comprehend that this wasn't how every relationship was and that this wasn't what love felt like for everyone. It was.. " She searched for the right word. "Enlightening. Paulina also pointed out that neither of us could really work in a standard relationship so this wasn't really a problem, but Kwan was devastated that telling me how perfect I was had actually hurt me. He cried." Her tone is caught somewhere between sarcasm and disbelief. "My own pain hurt him. Being the source of that pain, it was unbearable for him.

"So that's why I have to get better. Kwan doesn't think I'm perfect because of my faults or in spite of them. He thinks that everything I am is perfect. But I have to learn how to like myself first. I have to feel like I'm good enough first or I will always feel inferior when he calls me perfect."

A piece of near forgotten advice that she just needs to learn to love herself from her first on-on-one with Tara floats into her mind. Maybe these therapists are onto something.

Nate is staring at his hands, clasped in front of his knees when she looks for his reaction. He slowly shakes his head. "You are certainly something. It's a fucking a miracle that someone like you finds someone like him. And that you actually like each other and get along? Fucking miraculous."

He stretches his arms over his head for a long moment before settling a large hand on her head, rubbing a thumb back and forth and almost petting her. "You're pretty miraculous yourself. You have a willing slave who thinks you can do no wrong and all you want is to be better so that you aren't cheating him."

She wrinkles her nose and tries to brush his hand off which just causes him to ruffle her hair.

Oh, it is on.

Before she knows it, they're pushing each other back and forth, attacking hair and darting in to search for ticklish spots. Nate dominates the battle but Star is smiling and feels like everything is going to be ok.

She's missed her session with Greg while she was crying but she's not too late for dinner. They arrive with Star laughing at a corny joke and Nate smiling down at her like an indulgent big brother. Ashley breaks out in a strange tribal-ish dance that is either an attempt to ward off the end of the world or thanks to some higher power that they're finally getting along. She's not really clear on that but is sure that it doesn't matter.

An hour later Nate is teaching her how to not suck at chess with unnecessary commentary from Ashley and Rach while Rave, Talin, and Ea converse nearby over her drawings.

Star's managed to avoid a checkmate for thirteen moves when Shauna approaches their table. It's unusual to see her in the single's commissary since the more social people tend to migrate to the roommates' one.

They're not exactly close and from her continual denial of having any true issues (despite the negative behavior) it's agreed she'll also be staying past camp with Tori.

"I, uh, overheard Booth telling Lena about your cousin and, it reminded me of something." Star nearly rolls her eyes at her story going around. All tales make their way through the grape vine here and Booth and Lena and nearly inseparable.

Shauna looks slightly guilty before schooling herself into her normal, haughty attitude.

"When I was in middle school, there was this kid a year ahead of me who killed himself. I was part of the popular crowd back then and it was just a thing to call him a faggot and laugh when he walked by. It was just part of fitting in and everyone did it. Him or me, you know? He was a real idiot for killing himself."

Star frowns. She doesn't know why Shauna is telling her this story other than maybe lessoning her own guilt and Star isn't here to throw a pity party for some bully's guilty conscience. A pit of discomfort twists in her stomach when Shauna calls the boy an idiot and not just because his tale reminds her of Jake's. It felt fine hearing it from Nate but from her it just sound derogatory.

"He had other options. He could've fought back or transferred schools. He didn't have to just take it like that. Jake killing himself was a wake up call to the staff they needed to address the bullying problem but, - "

She's still talking but Star can't hear any more. "Did you say Jake?" She interrupts. Shauna frowns at her but nods. "Jake Northfield?" A little more wary, the girl nods again.

Everything sounds like white noise and only one thought rings through Star's head. "You killed my cousin."

"Wha- hey! Everyone was doing it and it's not like I started the whole thing-" She tries to back pedal but Star isn't listening.

"You killed my cousin! You fucking Bitch!" She attacks the other girl and brings them both to the ground. It's the first time she's ever cursed and the first time she's physically attacked anyone but it's all she knows and feels.

She scratching and yelling and out of her mind as the orderlies pull her away.

"Let me go! That bitch killed my cousin! How dare you- Let me go!" She's kicking and screaming and more orderlies pin her down by the minute until a needle is shoved in her arm and she feels herself getting sleepy.

"No." She moans helplessly. "That bitch... killed him..." she slurs her way into unconsciousness.

She wakes up in a padded white room with dim lighting and all she can think is how cliché this is. Her knuckles hurt and her body feels slow and weighed down. Even her thoughts feel like they're moving through molasses.

What the hell is molasses, anyway?

Whatever.

As thought slowly trickles in, she wonders if this is her rendition of Max's episode all those weeks ago and if this means she'll finally have that big breakthrough she's been wanting and can finally just get better.

She thinks through Tara telling her that she just needs to learn to love herself and Doc H's advice that life is just learning to deal with your problems in a positive way.

She thinks of how calm she was talking with Nate about all her insecurities regarding Kwan and how right it felt for him to call Jake an idiot for her. It felt right because he was on Jake's side. The hurt and battered side. But he chose to fight. He choose to keep going while Jake just... slipped away.

And she hates him for it.

But Shauna, Shauna was a bully and hearing her say that suicide is stupid was just derisive and ignorant. How could she possibly know what Jake felt when she was part of the problem? Even if the boy in her story hadn't been Jake!

Star doesn't understand why Jake wanted to die. Not like she's come to understand music and she doesn't want to either. But she gets it. Not in a way that she'd ever consider it herself, but after listening to his pain over and over, she gets it.

Shauna doesn't know anything and lives with her head too far up her rear to see anything but her own shit.

She decides that Nate will get a kick out of that analogy and tucks it away for later. Ashley and Rach will enjoy it too.

She thinks over all that's happened in the last five weeks. All the tears. All the stories she's heard and the ones she's finally admitted to herself. Her discovery of music and all its wonders. Making friends with kids from the wrong side of the social ladder and feeling no shame in enjoying their company.

Star considers that first day when she wanted nothing to do with 'the crazy people who deserved to be here' and pities the girl she was. How small minded and reclusive.

Everyone everywhere has issues. Some people just haven't found good ways to deal with them.

And that thought brightens Star's mood. Some people haven't, but she has. She's found music and friends who don't judge her (both in and out of the crazy bin). She has a boyfriend who sees her as the embodiment of all grace and goodness not because she's perfect, but because she's herself and she decides that the only way to be more perfect for him is to handle her problems.

Hundreds of people have bigger concerns and worse pains and they deal with it. So Star can deal with hers and she can keep finding new ways to deal with it no matter what comes her way.

She doesn't have to be perfect or become the embodiment of every pure virtue and stand as the pinnacle of perfection. She will stand tall and deal with her issues because her only true failing is letting her fears rule her. She's not going to do that to Kwan and she's not going to do that to herself.

She feels a seed growing in her chest and knows this is the start of who she wants to be.

She's locked in a padded room after getting in a fist fight, and she can't remember feeling this content.

Breakfast is brought in the next morning and she'll have a private session with Doctor Singleton after she's done with group. That evaluation will determine if she gets out today or has to stay longer.

Star passes the time humming bits and pieces of songs she's just beginning to love and perks up when Tara finally comes in. She greets her therapist with a warm smile and gives a heartfelt 'thank you' for all the help she's gotten over the past few weeks.

The psychologist is surprised by the change in attitude but takes it in stride. They discuss why Star is in here and Star spells out all her revelations about her place in the universe and what she wants to do from now on.

Tara declares her fit for release and tells Star how proud she is on her way out.

When she makes her grand reappearance at lunch, she's ecstatic to see all her friends greeting her warmly and asking her how her trip to the 'cloud city' had been. They fill her in on how Shauna is being universally shunned for talking about suicide like that and Star's cred has risen about fifty points for starting a fist fight like that. Bonus points for actually using her fists and not having a girly cat fight.

Well, part girly cat fight. But there was enough fist action to earn credit.

She was tucked in between Nate and Ashley and it feels like the most natural thing in the world despite it being a new seating arrangement.

Ashley and Chris have launched into potential revenge plots that are as much for their own enjoyment as they are on her behalf when Nate gives her a contemplative stare.

"You're different." he states and the whole table stops to look at them.

Star doesn't care.

"Yes. I am." He raises one eyebrow in a gesture to go on so she does. "I figured it out. I just need to put it into action." She doesn't elaborate any further and after a long moment he gives her a firm nod.

"Good."

And that's the end of the matter. It's a subtle shift but the pride she's always carried herself with has shifted into self-assurance that draws the eye in a positive way. Her self-confidence is an inner light that marks her smile brighter and her joy at having found her place in this world gives a new sparkle to her eyes.

When her parents come the next day, she greets them warmly and thanks them for all their support and taking care of her.

They're baffled by the change that's come over her and even more confused when Doc H takes them aside for a moment to discuss her conflict with Shauna earlier in the week. She doesn't feel ashamed of the fight or Shauna's still blackened eye. The family session doesn't do much for her but it's nice to have her parents there.

Her dad talks about how he initially blamed Kwan for his daughter's condition and all the other patients give him various looks of 'Are you shitting me?'

Max once again speaks reason as she says, "Have you seen the way he looks at her? I don't think he even comprehends the idea of there being anything bad to say about her, yet alone saying it. Take it from someone who knows peer pressure, that boy is more likely to turn into a singing fish than put her down."

Star beams through the entire explanation and her parents are floored by the nods of agreement that carry around the camp members.

She gives her parents hugs when it's time for them to go and says that she'll see them in three weeks when she's ready to be picked up. Yes, she'll call Sunday and Tuesday, as usual.

She calls Paulina that night and asks her to tell Kwan not to come this weekend. She's sure that her very voice carries the change that's come over her and doesn't want to ruin the surprise.

The next day her friends from the bin attempt to mesh with Paulina and Dash to various degrees of success. Surprisingly, Paulina and Talin part from the group to have a discussion about nail polish and proper hair care. Ashley continues to embarrass Dash by asking him to take pictures of himself and his beau once he finally gets one.

Paulina and Dash leave saying how much better she looks and how much Kwan is going to love the difference. She hugs them both and tells them not to bring him next week either. She wants it to be a surprise when she's fully ready.

While she's happy, she's still settling in to this new her and wants to be one hundred percent sure of who she is before she sees him again.

The next day brings a round of 'happy birthday' and Kwan calls the center. She thanks him but doesn't talk long. They'll go out to celebrate when she's done here.

At mixed group on Monday, she talks about the bullying circle.

She was never an active participant but the fact is she didn't stop them. She talks about her shame of going along with it and the crushing fear that she'd be the next Jake if she spoke out against it.

So she fought for as many rules and safety measures as she could and stressed the importance of spotting depression before it could worsen.

She spoke of the E-List and how proud she was to have friends who would look out for the students who were depressed.

Hiro brings up that they were still bullies and regardless of how 'nicely' they went about it, they still hurt a lot of people.

Star struggles with her guilt and agrees. She still holds strongly to not having been the monsters many of her peers at the bin have faced and takes solace in that.

The next day at group, Shauna avoid her like the plague and Rach and Talin close ranks around her. In fact, the entire group gives her a bit of the cold shoulder and Star feels satisfaction in the other girl's treatment. She's earned it.

Star takes part in the open discussion that day and is easily accepted into the group. She doesn't share any personal anecdotes with this group, but a barrier has been lifted as she sheds her self-imposed role of 'observer.'

Friday rolls around with the news that Ashley might be getting released soon. Her personal therapist is talking it over with her parents and she might get out about the same time as camp. They applaud her and a series of encouraging remarks go around. Mostly about not ending up back here and keeping her crazy away from people who get offended. Star isn't too sure that they should be encouraging Ashley to start a bonfire, but it suits them and she eventually joins in with a pointed 'only burn down storage sheds from people who deserve it' that has Chris beaming at her.

Star has no visitors that week. Paulina has been whisked away to her father's yacht club and Dash's parents aren't willing to make the drive. It's a real shame that the latina's chauffeur wasn't available without her.

Still, she hangs out with her friends and they discuss her plans for getting out of there.

"So, what? When you get out of here you'll just go back to your popular life and ignore all the freaks and losers in the world?" Rach asks.

Star looks at her friend in surprise. "Well, yeah."

"What if I showed up at your school one day and needed help? Would you just ignore me?" Eyes narrowed, she leans over the table like a 'bad cop' during an interrogation.

Star shrugs noncommittally. "I wouldn't just ignore you but I'd probably make up some story about you being a distant cousin or the daughter of one my parents acquaintances. Something that makes you look good."

Ashley decides she has to provoke the conversation with a Cheshire grin. "What if I showed up naked at a school assembly doing the hula and praying to our alien overlords?"

"Then I'd pretend not to know you like every other sane person on the face of the planet."

"What if I came running up to you in a wedding dress ready to take our vows?"

"Then I'd hit you for being an idiot. Do you want me to look like I'm two-timing Kwan?"

"Good point. How about I light the school yard on fire and sing kumbaya?"

"Then you'd get arrested. But, in all seriousness, if one of you guys showed up at my school and needed help..." Star looks around the assorted hair colors and various degrees of punk. "I'm not sure. I'd want to help you, but being popular is important to me." She faces the table and murmurs, "I don't want to end up like Jake."

She raises her head and meets them head on. "But, if you showed up, I'd want to help you. I'd either make up a story that makes you look good or just try and keep you out of sight. I think that's the most I can promise."

Nate's large hand finds its way to her head and starts stroking with his thumb. What is she, a cat? "Well, I guess that's the most we can expect out of a pampered, posturing princess."

Star tries to bat his hand away. "Oh, and the arrogant, mutant giraffe thing you have going on is so much better?"

"Than putting on airs and acting like a spoiled, self-righteous brat? Yes, it is."

"It's not spoiled, it's well-deserved. Some of us just happen to belong on top."

He mock swooned. "However did I forget what a pinnacle of perfection you are!"

Star smirked. "My boyfriend certainly thinks so."

The next week was better. Her sessions with Greg were less dark and they discussed things she could do once she got out of there. The mirror markers were her favorite so Greg promised her a set when she left for therapeutic purposes.

Tara and her had a hard discussion about Jake's death, the body, the funeral and Star's refusal to deal with it at the time. She felt raw but refreshed - like polishing tarnished silver.

Doc H didn't ask about her change in attitude but clapped her on the shoulder and told her he was 'happy to see her doing better'. She told him it was mostly his good advice.

Paulina got back in touch on Wednesday with a plethora of stories about boys trying to flirt with her and businessmen suggesting engagements. It was archaic but, likely how Paulina would find a husband.

They were all going to make a trip up there that weekend, and yes, Star wanted Kwan to be there.

Saturday morning rolled around and Star found herself nervously making herself look as beautiful as she could. She pulled out a teal blouse that matched her eyes and the only skirt she'd brought with her (a white, flowing, knee-length A-line.)

This was it. This was her big reveal and the end of everything she had worked for. She was ready.

Was she ready? Would Kwan still like her?

She pushed the thought aside as ridiculous. Of course he would still like her. But it had been weeks since they'd last seen each other. Would he like everything that he saw?

Pulling half her hair up into a small bun, she put three small braids in the part left flowing before deciding she was over thinking this. Kwan would love her and she was ready for this.

Really.

Paulina and Dash must have hung back, because Kwan entered the commissary alone. He was dressed in jeans and a simple black tee that showed off his physique. In his hands was a single yellow rose. They stared across the room for a moment before Kwan slowly approached her by the window.

He passed her the rose telling her it was for new beginnings, joy, friendship, welcome back, remember me, and that any single rose was 'utmost devotion'. Star took it with a smile and sniffed slowly. It was beautiful.

Looking past the rose, teal met chocolate and Star knew, it was perfect.

"Did you find your answers?" He asks unnecessarily.

"Yes." She bestows him a brilliant smile.

"May I?" he asks with a glance at her feet and Star can't hold back a cheerful yet wry grin as she nods.

He kneels in front of her and thinks for a moment how he wants to do this. Star makes the decision for him by holding onto the railing and lifting her foot in front of him. He takes it delicately, reverently, and brings it to his lips.

It tingles and Star is suddenly aware of how ridiculous this whole affair looks but the rapture in his eyes makes all the ribbing she'll get later worth it.

He had promised to worship at her feet.

She could get used to this.

. . . .

Songs mentioned:

Rise Against - Prayer of the Refugee

Lincoln Park - In the End

Linkin Park - Numb

The Rasmus ft. Anette Olzon - October and April

Avril Lavigne - I'm With You

Avril Lavigne - Wish You Were Here

The Rasmus - Ten Black Roses


Disclaimer: I've never been to a crazy bin myself but I've known several people who have so it's a loose interpretation.

Poll: The poll will close when I post the next chapter.

Feedback: Good, bad, or ugly. It's all a learning process.