The record of my unspeakable crimes, in previous lives, in previous times ~ Reprehensible, They Might Be Giants.
It had started innocently enough.
A birthday present from his father, the archeologist. Yes, it had been exotic and beautiful it that strange way that only Egypt had mastered, but it had been normal. Ryou, over time, had become accustomed to such gifts, to such beauty. The ring should have been nothing more than something that would make a good icebreaker when guests were over. It wasn't supposed to mean anything.
(It wasn't suppose to be apart of him.)
Ryou fumbled with his tie, not because it was crooked but because he just needed to feel that the ring wasn't there. Double check. He released a sigh. These kinds of thoughts were what he was supposed to have left in Domino. He should be thinking of how to impress his could be future employer and not of things long since passed. And yet...
It had been three years. And still the spirit never left his mind, not even for a second. Ryou could still hear him (that voice, like a ghost, like a whisper, like a breeze that simply blew away); he could still feel him (around his neck, in the chambers of his mind, in the darkest depths of his soul). It had taken time and effort for Ryou to finally realize that the spirit would never be gone, never could be gone.
Ryou was the spirit.
To think that he and the spirit were one in the same, in all ways, was truly horrific. To realize, to accept it, was worst. Far, far worst.
"Mr. Moore," said the Secretary, as she had done for the last three people, "Ms. Decker is ready to see you now,"
A young man, maybe just a couple years older than Ryou himself got up and followed the Secretary down the brightly lit hall. Ryou watched him go and for a split second, hated him. He shook it off rather quickly because it was absolutely ridiculous, he knew nothing about this boy and it was most certainly not the boy's fault that he had never sold his soul to the devil for revenge a couple thousands years ago...
Ryou licked his lips, a habit he had picked up from the spirit. His Yami, his darkness. (Ryou had heard Yuugi referred to the Pharaoh as this once or twice and for Ryou it never ceased to be accurate.)
He chuckled slightly and was then immediately disgusted. You're becoming more and more like him everyday; he thought to himself and accepted this as fact because it was true. No point in denying it any longer. Ryou was like white paint and some child had decided to mix him with black. Perhaps the child hadn't understood that the moment you drop a bit of black into pure white, no matter how hard you try and how much white you pour back in, you'll never get white again. Only lighter shades of grey. Sometimes Ryou expected to hate this fact, to deny it as he had done so many things, but a soul was different. You can't deny who you are.
(Or were, or will be.)
The concept of souls and the beyond had always fascinated Ryou, so by extension so did the nature of reincarnation. He had always thought of it as very straight forward. Your body dies, your soul gets a new one, a cycle repeated until infinity. And for some he assumed it was. Yuugi came to mind, from what he last saw of him the resemblance to the Pharaoh was startlingly. Maybe a bit sickening too. But Ryou, he had not been so lucky. To think that he had been born without a complete soul still haunted his dreams. To think that the other part of his soul was (some of) the spirit of the ring still haunted his reality. At one time he had been a full person, nothing less or extra. A self proclaimed King of Thieves whose village had been slaughtered in order to create the Millennium Items. (Near the end, the spirit had been less protective of his thoughts, and the burning of Kul Elna had slipped by him and found its way to Ryou.) But there was great darkness in the Thief King and Ryou was hesitant to call it evil (but then again, what else was it?) that had taken control of all the Thief's motives and desires. Such a passion he had for revenge that he willingly divided a piece of his soul and mixed it with part of the demon Zorc, sealing in the ring. Reincarnation tried to continue its cycle uninterrupted. The result was Ryou, more than a body, less than a person. (He cringed a bit at that.) Looking back though, it now made sense why the ring had always come back to him, no matter how hard Ryou tried to get rid of it. The fragments of the Thief's soul were trying pull themselves back together.
The lady with brown hair and red lipstick next to Ryou coughed and he found himself feeling slightly dizzy.
He let out a deep sigh, but it was more of an excuse to hear himself exhale, to know that yes, I'm still here, I'm still breathing. With or without part of my soul. Would it always be this way? The part of his soul that had been in the ring must have been destroyed, so would reincarnation continue as if nothing had gone wrong? Or would it simply stop? If one part of the soul is annihilated perhaps it would just be best if all of it was. Another sigh.
Ryou prayed silently to whoever was listening that his name would be called soon. He needed to go home, write a letter to Amane, and have a drink. Above everything he just wanted to forget about past lives, forget about this life. He could sit forever thinking of all the horrible things he had done to the world, and all the horrible things the world had done to him. But Ryou was so tired. He could no longer pity himself or play the victim. (Such a shame really, because he had become so good at that part.) He just wanted to live. That's all he ever wanted, really.
Was that so much to ask?
It didn't seem fair to be blame for things had no real memories of, but it was the law of the universe. This life suddenly made so much more sense when he saw it in terms of karma. Life, the one he was living now (Ryou constantly had to be reminded of this as he was prone to forgetting), was a punishment. He was paying for a debt that he been acquired thousands of years ago. At one point, this realization had stung so badly he could barely left his head up. Everything horrible that had ever happened to him (that car crash, his father, that ring), he had deserved. But the feeling had passed now and he had long since been left with a perpetually bitter tasting mouth.
Sometimes he just wanted to scream out, "I'm sorry!" to anyone, to everyone, just so they'd know. If he could, he would take everything back. If he could, he would erase him self from existence. But he couldn't. What is done can not be undone, no matter how vile, no matter how horrible. So all the tragedies of his life were his scars to bear. It made perfect sense though, he was more of the thief than the spirit ever was, and these scars belonged more to him.
(Nothing less than you deserve, some part of Ryou reminded him, nothing less than the sins you've both committed.)
"Mr. Bakura, Ms. Decker is ready for you now," said the Secretary, with feigned kindness (is there any other kind? he wondered.)
Ryou arose from the chair and did his best to smile.
Yes, there is kindness. Yuugi had been kind. Amane had been kind. And once upon a time he himself had been kind. Sometimes he forgot this. Sometimes his mind was wrapped too much around the darkness in his soul. After all it was much easier to be condemned than redeemed. And he wanted that, he needed redemption. Even if it was small, even if it paled in comparison to his atrocities, he needed it.
(Everyone needs a reason to breathe, after all.)
A/N So that was my boring theory on the nature of Ryou, Thief King Bakura and Yami Bakura's soul. Which basically be summed up as TKB = R + YB; YB= TKB + Zorc. Reviews are complete and total love and are always greatly appreciated!
