Maybe I should hate you for this/never really did ever quite get that far ~ You're So Last Summer, Taking Back Sunday



Two weeks.

It had been two weeks (and twenty hours, thirty five minutes, five seconds) since Ryou had returned from Egypt. Two weeks since the Pharaoh had crossed over. Two weeks since -

Ryou's breath hitched and for a split second he found himself unable to breathe. He closed his eyes and allowed the wind to caress his face.

Two weeks, he willed himself to finish his thought because his thoughts were his again and there was nothing to be afraid of (nothing to be afraid of), two weeks -

His eyes were closed tight, seeing only darkness. Fists clenched. Not breathing.

Two weeks (and thirty five minutes, ten seconds, eleven seconds).

Two weeks since Yuugi defeated him. Destroyed him.

There! It was done. The truth had been spoken. The spirit was gone for good, Yuugi had said that the ring was never to come back (even though he had said this before and again and again; and the spirit always came back, despite what Yuugi and his friends said, despite everything because the spirit had promised to Ryou that he would be a part of him forever –) and Ryou was alone.

He was alone.

Ryou let out a sob or a sigh of relief (he had stopped being able to tell the difference long ago) but his eyes remained closed. He looked almost as if he was waiting for something magnificent (and horrible, oh so horrible) to happen. It almost looked like he was praying. For who or what even he didn't know.

(But he did know, didn't he? And lying wasn't going to make things any clearer. Stop lying. Stop lying.)

It should be this complicated. The spirit was gone; he was alone! No more fighting for control, no more alienating himself for fear of something happening to friends he didn't even have, no more whispers in his head…

(He was alone, now.)

It couldn't be this complicated. The spirit had been evil. The spirit had been the darkness. Those were facts, those were simple. Sometimes, just sometimes the world really was just black and white and there was good (the Pharaoh) and there was bad (the spirit). Just good and bad. And to even think about justifying what the spirit had done, was absurd because it was so clear (painfully, perfectly clear) that some people just didn't deserve to be forgiven.

So Ryou should hate the spirit. So Ryou should thank Yuugi. That would be simple. That would be black and white.

(And the spirit had been gone for two weeks, twenty hours, thirty five minutes, fifty-four seconds.)

But it didn't matter how simple it should be, it wasn't. It just wasn't. There was no reason behind (no he would not say that word) the spirit, no reason in this hatred he felt towards Yuugi. No reason other than Stockholm syndrome, no reason other than jealousy.

(And both of those reason were lies, attempts to justify what cannot be justify. To understand what cannot be understood. To make the black and white of grey separate again. No, the world would be grey to him forever. And just because the spirit was gone didn't change the fact that he had been and all the things Ryou knew then he still knows now. No, no, no. Those things were permanent, like the ring around his neck, and not even Yuugi could change that. Yuugi who had taken from him and it would only be fair if Ryou took from him as well, make him feel this pain, this ache – )

Completely unjustifiable hate didn't exist, though. There had to be a reason though, there was always a reason. The reason he wrote Amane letter's even though she had been died for years is because he missed her (he was alone) and he refused to let her go. The reason his father never wanted to see him is because Ryou reminded him to much of his dead mother and not enough of his dead sister. The reason Yuugi had befriended him in the first place was because Yuugi was pure untainted white, and white always tries turn grey back into white. Even though it's pointless, even though it's impossible. The reason Ryou was still waiting for that ring to return was because –

Because. Because! Because -

Because, it didn't matter. What the spirit had done. What Yuugi had done. What their intentions had been, what their actions had been . In the end –

He was alone.

(Anyway, always.)

(Two weeks, twenty hours, thirty six minutes, ten seconds.)

It didn't matter! It didn't matter! It didn't matter!

The spirit was gone and if it pleased Ryou he never had to talk to Yuugi again.

He had a life again; he was no longer a host to some parasitic monstrosity. He should be happy! There was freedom and he could live and do all the things he had always dreamt of (What had he dreamt of? He knew there was a time before spirit, he could feel that but after. This was after and he still felt…nothing. Hollow.) and he should be happy.

Oh God, why wasn't he happy? He just wanted to be happy. He deserved that, didn't he?

Ryou inhaled, held in, exhaled.

He was overreacting. He was just seventeen, after all. There was plenty of time to become happy, plenty of time to dream. Most kids his age still have no clue what they are going to do with their lives. There was no rush. The spirit was gone and life was no longer so definite. There was time.

(Just breathe, Ryou, one breath at a time.)

The cars drove by his apartment noisily and Ryou didn't hear a thing.

Again, he bent his head as if to pray.

Yuugi thank you so much for saving me but I think I hate you. I think I never wanted to be saved in the first place. Some people don't deserve forgiveness you know. Some people deserve to suffer. You should have let me suffer.

(It had been two weeks, twenty hours, thirty six minutes, forty seconds, forty one seconds.)

Spirit, I hate you. With all of my soul, I hate you. But you weren't suppose to leave, now I am –

(He was alone.)

God, he sounded like a broken record. He was alone, two weeks, twenty hours, thirty seven minutes, and nine seconds, it didn't matter. Repeat(alone). Repeat(seconds). Skip. Repeat(didn't). Repeat(matter).

Repeat, repeat, skip ("Some people deserve to suffer for all eternity, yadonushi,") repeat, repeat.

Repeat, repeat, skip ("Everyone deserves forgiveness, Bakura-kun, everyone makes mistakes,") repeat, repeat.

Just a broken record.

He closed his eyes tighter.

(Twenty hours, thirty seven minutes, and twenty seconds, twenty two seconds, twenty three seconds…)

And it didn't matter.

He was alone.

The spirit was gone.

The Pharaoh was gone.

It wasn't fair!

Yuugi had been able to say goodbye, Yuugi had been able to say whatever he had wanted while Ryou had just awoken dazed and confused to find that he was alone. Yuugi had denied him everything!

Ryou, who had been denied the right to tell the spirit he hated him, tell the spirit that he forgave him or just tell him goodbye. And Ryou who had been denied the right for closure and happiness and everything else that he was entitled too, that he deserved but didn't at the same time and he was alone and it didn't matter! It shouldn't matter! Because the spirit had seen Ryou as nothing more than a vessel, something to use, and Yuugi had seen as nothing more than a vessel, something to save.

There! It was done. The truth was spoken. He hated them. Both of them.

He was alone.

(Twenty hours, thirty eight minutes nine seconds, ten seconds.)

This was the end. Of an era, of a life. Time to move on. Time to let go.

The spirit was gone; he was alone.

Ryou opened his eyes.

The sun was setting.

Slowly he arose. He would have to write his father and tell him he planned to move. It was not possible for him stay in this city.

(Thirty eight minutes, fourteen seconds, fifteen seconds.)

He would also have to write to Amane as well. And tell Yuugi, perhaps wherever he went they could write to keep in touch. After all (despite everything) he was the closest thing Ryou had to a friend. And the spirit, he could write the spirit.

All right.

He could permit himself to do those things.

(Seventeen seconds, eighteen seconds.)

He closed the balcony door behind him, wiping off his tears on his sleeve. Ryou would have to get on these things immediately. He had so much schoolwork to catch up on.

(Enough. He's gone.)

So much life to catch up on.


A/N This completely and totally turned out wrong. Ugh. Please review though, reviews are what keep me going!