Chapter Eight: Perfect
Gibbs came back into the squad room baring Chinese food. As he set the food down, Kate ran over. "Thank God, Gibbs! I'm starved!" She was followed by McGee. Tony didn't look like he realized Gibbs had come back. His head was resting on his desk, arms used as a pillow. Gibbs winced at his crumpled figure which he figured would hurt like hell when he awoke. With only Tony's food remaining in the bag, he took it over and dropped it down on Tony's desk.
Tony's head shot up quickly, his body following. "What?! Stop! Don't!" Tony mumbled out, groggily. Then grimaced at the pain of moving too fast.
Gibbs shook his head and asked, "You okay?"
Tony smiled sheepishly at his previously panicked state. He didn't even remember why he was so jumpy. Nevertheless, he shook it off and replied, "Never better."
Gibbs pointed to the bag. "Food. Eat," Gibbs ordered as he walked back to his own desk.
Tony chuckled lightly, which turned into an "Ow, ow, ow! Got it, boss. Ow, ow!" before he regained control.
Gibbs nodded. "Simmer down, DiNozzo. It's gonna hurt for a bit."
"Yeah, I'm starting to get that," Tony sighed.
Forty five minutes later, they all had finished and were back to their cold cases. All was silent, until…
"Tony!" Abby ran in.
As Tony stood to embrace Abby, she swooped him into a hug. Tony winced and said, "Careful, Abs."
"Right. Sorry," Abby said, letting him go. "So? How are you?"
"Good," Tony said.
"Tony," Abby said, "you are not good. You are broken."
"Thanks," Tony said sarcastically.
"Well?" Abby asked.
"Well what?"
"How are you?"
Tony, noticing everyone was watching him and figuring he couldn't lie anymore, said, "I've been better."
"Well, that's obvious. Can you walk around? Can you talk? Can you breathe?"
"Of course, Abs. Just my ribs, remember?" Tony explained.
"Okay, okay. Just promise me you'll get better," Abby told him, worriedly. "I don't want a broken Tony forever! I want goofball Tony back!"
"I will, Abs. Honest. And, just so you know, Abby, goofball Tony is never gone forever," Tony said, smiling. She nodded and escaped back down to her lab, after one more quick hug.
Gibbs stood. "Go home. Get some sleep. I want you here at 0700 tomorrow."
McGee and Kate stood and headed for the elevator, gleefully. Tony continued to work as though Gibbs hadn't said anything.
"Your ears workin', DiNozzo? Told ya to go home," Gibbs threw across the room.
"I heard you. I'm just wondering why," Tony told him.
"What do you mean?" Gibbs asked.
"I mean," Tony said, throwing the case file down with a thud, "any other time, we'd be staying till ten at least!"
"What's your point?"
"My point is that it's seven thirty. You're giving me special treatment!" Tony exclaimed irritably.
After a while, Gibbs frowned. "DiNozzo, in the three years you've known me, have I ever given anyone special treatment?"
Reluctantly, Tony admitted, "No, except for Abby."
Gibbs replied, "Do I give her special treatment or does she just do as I ask without questioning me at every turn? You don't trust me."
"I do trust you!" Tony said as though it was obvious.
"Do you?! Because I'm not so sure!"
"...Nevermind," Tony said, packing up his stuff. "You don't get it."
"Get what, DiNozzo?" Gibbs asked.
"Me!" Tony answered. "I'm not helpless. I can do things. You've been treating me different ever since you found out what my father did. I'm not a victim or else I would've fought back. I didn't try to stop him."
"Tony, that's the damn near stupidest thing I've ever heard! You are a victim. It doesn't mean anything that you didn't try to fight back! You were scared!"
Tony indignantly said, "I wasn't scared. It's just something that happens."
"Are you gonna sit there and tell me that, when your father was beating the crap out of you, you weren't scared even a little bit?!" Gibbs said, harsher than he meant.
In an instant, Tony's expression changed from that of anger to disconsolate humiliation. He looked...alone. And, to Gibbs' dismay, Tony looked to be in a state of trepidation. He looked...afraid. "DiNozzo…"
Tony shook his head. "I'm never scared. I don't have reason to be. I'm used to it."
And that's what broke Gibbs' heart. Not that he accepted what his father did. Not even that he sometimes blamed himself for Senior's actions. But, the one sentence. The sentence that confirmed that it happened too often. Too often. So often that Tony had gotten used to it.
"And I do trust you...I think," Tony said as he walked to the elevator to head home.
It wasn't right. It wasn't right that Tony's father, someone he should be able to trust, would hurt him. It wasn't right that Tony's father got to do this without any consequences. But, mostly, it wasn't right that he got to flee to New York. That's what maddened him. Senior thought he could just abuse his only son, his child, and nothing would happen. He'd just flee to New York and continue to live his life. Tony knew too. He'd gotten used to that. Gibbs could've gone up to New York to avenge his senior field agent. He could've gone up there to defend Tony. After all, New York was only a drive from Virginia. But, that would be unethical. He couldn't drop everything, his job and his team, to go and teach Tony's father a little lesson about parenting. He couldn't do that. He knew right now that Tony would disprove. It was just anger he was feeling. But, oh man, did it burn him up to have to watch Tony in pain. In pain, hurt, injured for something that never should've happened...
"DiNozzo!" Gibbs called to Tony who was about to step into the elevator.
Tony looked up. "Yeah…?" he asked pensively.
"Hold up. I'll go down with you," Gibbs made a decision.
"Okay...if you want," Tony said, a little bemusedly.
Gibbs grabbed his stuff, packed it up for the night, and stepped into the elevator with Tony.
The elevator ride was short and silent. When the doors opened, Tony made to walk to his car when Gibbs said, "DiNozzo!" Gibbs started to walk to his own car as a confused Tony followed, if only to see what was up.
"What?" Tony wondered.
"Get some sleep. I don't want you looking exhausted tomorrow," Gibbs told him.
Tony nodded. "Yeah, I will, boss."
He nodded as Tony began walking back towards his own car. Gibbs got in his car and, after deciding Tony could take care of himself, he drove home.
At his home, Gibbs did what he always did in his free time. He worked on his boat.
About an hour or two later, he heard something walking down the steps. 'Three guesses who,' he thought. "DiNozzo…?"
As the figure descended, he saw that he was correct. It was Tony, clad in pajama pants, a t-shirt, and tennis shoes. He smiled shyly.
"Thought I told you to get some sleep?" Gibbs reminded him.
"Yeah. I...tried," Tony told him.
"Yeah? And what happened?" Gibbs asked.
"I couldn't," Tony replied vaguely.
"DiNozzo, I know you didn't bring your ass over here to tell me you couldn't sleep for no reason. Why couldn't you sleep?" Gibbs said, tossing down the tool he was using.
He looked up at Tony. Tony appeared sheepish again, rocking on his feet at the bottom of the stairs, his fingers fidgeting. He looked as though he didn't know what to say. He shrugged. "I don't know."
Gibbs closed his eyes in frustration. "DiNozzo? What happened? You said you trusted me."
"I do!" Tony said automatically.
"Then tell me," Gibbs told him. "Tell me why you can't sleep."
"It's complicated," Tony answered.
"I think you think it's more complicated than it is. Come on," Gibbs said, passing Tony to walk up the stairs.
Tony followed as Gibbs sat on his couch. Tony looked confusedly at Gibbs. "Sit down, Tony."
Tony started to second guess himself as he looked at the door and uncomfortably told Gibbs, "Maybe, maybe I should-?"
"Park it, DiNozzo," Gibbs told him. "You came here to confide in me. Well, I'm listening, Tony."
"I'm just- I don't want- " Tony tried to tell him.
"I won't. I promise. Do ya trust me?" Gibbs asked him again.
This time, Tony just nodded.
"Okay, so…?"
Tony sighed deeply, before beginning, "I went home to my apartment after I, uh, after I left. I went in and I was really tired, so I tried to, uh, tried to sleep."
"And?"
"I couldn't. I, uh, I had a, um…" Tony faltered as he scratched his head in discomfort and embarrassment, and he looked down at the ground, unsure of how to continue. He was talking to Gibbs after all, a man he greatly respected. He didn't want to sound like, well, like he was weak or a child or both.
Gibbs nodded, knowing Tony was embarrassed to say what he'd had. "A nightmare?"
Tony nodded slowly. "Sort of. It was...worse...than a nightmare, I mean."
"Night terror," Gibbs corrected.
"A what?" Tony asked.
"Night terror. Worse than a nightmare. Can cause screaming and cold sweats. Stuff like that. Much more terrifying than a nightmare," Gibbs told him.
"Oh," Tony said quietly.
"That what you had?" Gibbs asked.
"I guess," Tony told him.
"What happened?"
"I don't remember. I had, two or three days ago, I had remembered what had happened during the, uh, ordeal. But, like, lately, like, since yesterday, I can never remember what it was. I just wake up in fear. And I don't know why. I don't remember what happens during the night terror," Tony admitted.
Suddenly, it struck Gibbs why Tony had come. He was scared. He was scared to be in his own apartment. Did this happen every time his father showed up unannounced? Tony. He'd injured Tony, bruised Tony, nearly broke Tony. But, the fear was understandably the worst thing Senior had done. Caused Tony to be scared, afraid he would come back. Scared Senior would find him. Senior had known what he'd done. That's why he'd fled. It made Gibbs so mad and sad everytime he looked at Tony, since he'd found out what Tony's father had done.
He glanced over at Tony. A smile played on his lips as he saw the young man had succumbed to sleep, just like that. Like they weren't in the middle of a conversation. Gibbs figured he was most likely reasonably exhausted. Who knew when Tony had last slept? Well, slept well. He stood up silently, moving Tony into a laying down position on the couch and removing his tennis shoes. He lifted up Tony's sleeping head to place a pillow under it. Then, retrieving a blanket from where it had fallen off the back of the couch, Gibbs draped it over the young man's sleeping figure. Gibbs shook his head. He didn't know how long Tony would sleep or what quality he would get, but the man before him needed every minute.
Gibbs looked at Tony. Not one agent before that young man had ever broken through Gibbs' walls. Not one. Before it was only professional work. Not one, before Tony, had ever come to him with any personal issues. Tony was different. Somehow, Tony had gotten Gibbs to put down his guard and care about the agents working for him. Tony hadn't cared when Gibbs reprimanded him even when he first started working at NCIS. He was always...listening, learning how to be a better agent. He seemed to know that, sometimes, he got off track and, sometimes, he needed a reminder to get his head back in the game. Tony didn't care what kind of attention he got, he was just happy to have any at all, Gibbs realized.
He never was just another agent. He had something about him, something that made him unique. And that was humor. He eased the tension. Many people wouldn't understand why Gibbs trusted him with his life, just by looking at Tony. He was a good agent, a good actor, a good kid with more scars and hidden pain than most could imagine. But he always got up. He always kept trying. He came off as lazy, even fooling his co-workers. But, anybody who really knew Anthony DiNozzo Jr. knew that under the devil may care facade, was a hardworking, passionate, loyal to a fault, compassionate, intelligent, and understanding young man that Tony hid. After all, he'd learned that if you showed your true self, you were weak and people would see you as such. If you play the bully, you'll never be the victim. And Tony didn't want to be the victim any longer. He wanted to be himself, but not if people would think he was weak. One person in his life already thought he was weak. And, if you're weak, you don't survive. Tony knew he had. He'd survived, if just by luck. He survived. But what Tony didn't realize was that his father was lying. You're not weak if you cry. You're not weak if you're in pain. You're not weak if you feel emotion. You're human.
Tony looked peaceful for the moment, so Gibbs crept down the stairs to work on his boat. Until he heard someone screaming.
