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Sam came by to visit today. He didn't stay long, said he didn't want to upset Cas by being there. I think the real problem is that he blames himself for the situation that Cas is in now. He doesn't seem to understand that Cas did it himself. I love Castiel, but this entire situation is entirely his fault. It weighs on me though, that my brother can't stand to be around my lover. We all used to be so close and as things happen we grow further and further apart. At some point we will stop talking all together. Sam hardly ever talks to me as it is; always blaming college and saying he's too busy doing homework to call me.

Everyone knows what the problem is, and when Sam does manage to show up, Cas always locks himself in the bedroom and makes me pretend he isn't here. It kills me to think that they won't even try to be around each other anymore. The days that they used to pretend that things were okay are long gone, and nothing I do changes it or fixes anything. We used to be able to go out for drinks, just me and Sam. Now, he told me he doesn't think he will be able to see me too much anymore. I know that he feels ashamed, but I don't know how to help.

Cas walks around the corner into the living room and gives me a bland smile. He's having a good day, he told me this morning as he woke me with a kiss to the cheek. I give him a strained smile in return and pat the couch next to me. I know that we will pass the next few moments in companionable silence, and it sooths me; knowing that I don't have to say anything. He sinks on the cushion beside me and leans against me, gently resting his head on my shoulder. His silent support caused my eyes to begin to water and I slowly reached up to brush the tears out of my eyes.

It was the hardest thing for me to deal with, knowing that I was always playing mediator between Cas and Sam. I was always working through things with them, trying to go between each of the two. It was wearing me out, always deciding between them. Ever since we stopped the apocalypse and Sam came back with no soul, things have always been difficult. It was like everyone was walking on eggshells, no matter what we did. Despite the rare times where everything was peaceful, the issue is always present, maybe temporarily buried under the rug of family secrets.

Cas presses close to me and begins whispering in my ear, a long litany of things I never even knew he thought about. He told me about the things he sees, how they are so much worse that Sam's because he knew Lucifer more. Lucifer, as he told me, was a constant discussion in his life, and his punishment as a young angel was to check in on Lucifer. During the check-ins, he would always learn something new, but he was almost always insulted or harassed. There was nothing he could do to stop it; until he was old enough that they higher ups stopped punishing him with torment. Then they began locking him in a room where he was unable to use his abilities. He whispered everything that had happened to him since being created; everything from before we met until after.

When he begins crying, he pull him onto my lap and hold him against me, gently rubbing his back and soothing him, allowing him to share all his fears and pain. As he gets into how it felt, taking all Sam's pain, I begin to cry with him, finally realizing the large amount of pain that my brother and my lover were in. I understand now how hard it was for Sam growing up. Not only had Cas absorbed everything from Sam's time in Hell, he also took all the supernatural powers that had been forced onto Sam through the demon blood. He explained how hard it really was, working through the pain that the visions caused and how hard the demon blood addiction was for Sam.

As he finished telling me everything, he slid off my lap and quietly walked out of the room. I watched him go and slowly reached up to wipe the tears off my face. I had never really understood what either of them was going through and now it was that much clearer to me why neither of them could be around the other. I am sure it would bring back memories for Sam, if he still had them. Cas told me that he explained the severity of the mental damage that Sam had to him, although he explained it in minute detail, compared as to what he told me. After what I learned tonight, I'm not sure that I want to try throwing those two in a room together ever again.

I hear soft footsteps around down the hall and look up to see Cas leaning against a wall. When he hesitantly asks if I'm coming to bed, I small calmly at him and push myself off the couch. I walk over to him and bend down, softly pressing a kiss to his cool lips and lead him to the bedroom by the hand. As we walk through the door, I think maybe things are starting to look up, if Cas can open up like that. It pleases me and allows, for once, a restful night for both me and Cas.