AN: For Saye0036 and Refreshingly Original who have gave me encouragement to keep going. :)
Hope you enjoy my dears. :)
"M…"
"Why did you kiss me James?" She looked towards him, searching for any hint as to what he was thinking.
He rubbed the back of neck in frustration and nervousness, before meeting her eyes
"It was Q who suggested it, but I don't regret it for one moment. You mean a great deal to me M, when you collapsed in your office and became unresponsive, it was the first time I felt what true fear was like. I thought I lost you. I nearly did lose you. Christ M it took seven attempts to get your heart restarted."
His voice trailed off and he took a deep breath to reign in his emotions. "I couldn't do anything to help you. I could only stand and watch as your life slipped away. I already lost your clone to Ellis, I couldn't lose you too."
M took his hand in her own, giving it a gentle squeeze in reassurance that she was still here with him.
"You didn't lose me, I'm still here."
He kept a firm grip on her hand, never taking his eyes off her afraid she would disappear. M had seen James being many things, but vulnerable wasn't one of them. She bit her lip and let out another wince at the shooting pain it caused.
"Did you have to bite my lip when you kissed me though?"
All trace of vulnerability was gone and replaced with anger, "You have Ellis to thank for that. If we got here quicker it wouldn't have happened."
M sat there in shock at what James told her. She didn't want to think of what he would have done if James hadn't got to her in time. She felt violated at having that bastard anywhere near her when she was powerless to stop him.
"You got to me before he could carry out his agenda that's what matters."
"The things he said about you though M, It was why I lost it in the interview room. If Tanner and the other agents hadn't been there I probably would have killed him then and there."
She gave him a curious look, "And what made you stop?"
He stared deep into her eyes unblinking, "You."
The simple word caused M's heart to stop in her chest at the truth behind it.
"I remembered your words a few years back. You told me I let my anger and need for revenge to cloud my judgement. The disappointment in your eyes when I walked into that hotel room in Bolivia, it made me realise that I had done just that. I acted without caring about the consequences."
She gave him a wry smile, "I'm surprised you remember anything I say, considering you ignore my orders. But, I've never been disappointed in you James, if anything I was disappointed in myself."
James furrowed his eyebrows in confusion, "Why?"
"I should have been working with you, not against you. Maybe if I had you wouldn't have been 'running about wild' as the minister called you."
"I guess we both could have handled the full situation better." His mouth turning into a smirk.
"Don't push it. I still think you are a smug bastard and a pain in the arse."
He gave a snicker in response at the way she bluntly described him, but he didn't hear any annoyance behind her words, only fondness.
"But joking aside James, you're someone whom I can trust. You have never been a disappointment, not to me anyway. The CIA, and the minister on the other hand they are a different matter, but they only know you by reputation. There's more to you than what your reputation precedes, they are just too blind to see it."
He had known M protected him from the minister and CIA more than she should have too. She was one of the few people who actually believed In him, never giving up when she could have easily let him go. God knows it would make her job easier, he was just thankful he had someone like M by his side. If he had lost her, he would be lost, she was his constant always there, protecting him from government officials, when it was usually him that did the protecting.
"Tell me what you're thinking James. Preferably sitting down, I'm starting to get neck strain looking up at you."
He shook his head, keeping a hold of her hand as he carefully sat down on the chair.
"I think you know M."
"I would rather hear it from you."
He had no idea why he was fumbling trying to find the right words to tell her how he felt. It shouldn't be hard, he had been with countless women in the past, but he realised that they meant nothing to him, where as the woman lying in the bed was his everything.
James could feel her eyes watching, almost burning into him as she waited for him to speak. The various scenarios ran through his head at how she would react, acceptance was unlikely at least not at this given moment in time. She would more or less tell him his feelings were inappropriate, and nothing could come from them. It would hurt, but he would respect whatever she decides. He remembered Q's words from earlier and it gave him some hope.
"I keep thinking that if you didn't make it, what would my life would be like without you in it."
"And what was the result?" She waited with baited breath.
He finally looked at her, "Empty, lonely. Long story short M, you've made me the man i am today, you kept me sane after Vesper if you hadn't been there, chances are i wouldn't be here today."
M didn't know what to say, here he was laying everything he was feeling out on the
table, wearing his heart on his sleeve, all his defences down.
"If I lost you, a part of me would have been lost with you."
"James…" She closed her eyes, trying to get her emotions under control.
He carried on knowing if he stopped he wouldn't be able to continue.
"I mean it M. You've embedded yourself Into my heart. You're the only person- the only woman who I've ever really cared about. All I could think about when you flat-lined, was that I didn't get a chance to tell you how much you mean to me."
M felt a lump in the back of her throat as she sat and listened to what he was telling her. She gathered that his feelings ran deeper than what an employee should have for their boss, but she chose to ignore it. The idea of someone thirty years her junior could be interested in her was laughable. Yet here he was, telling her everything that had no doubt been building up inside of him for months, maybe even years.
He looked down to their entwined hands, as he tried to get his own emotions under
control. Taking a few deep breaths he focused his attention back on her, noticing she
was trying her hardest to do the same.
He gave her a sad smile, "My armour as you like to call it, is long gone M. You slowly destroyed it after i built it back up after Vesper. You've never given up on me, even when you ordered to have me arrested in Bolivia or when I went AWOL in Miami. Any other boss would just have let me go. And let's face it, the damages would undoubtedly be less."
He gave her his trademark grin when he heard her grunt in agreement.
"You don't have to tell me that James, I certainly know they would be. I still don't understand what you see in me."
"There is so much I see you in M."
She gave him a sceptical look, "Oh really, then why don't you enlighten me."
"Alright, I see a smart minded woman who works day and night putting others needs before your own to ensure the security and welfare of this country and the people in it. I see how you care not only about me, but every other one of your agents sticking by them no matter how much you would like to just shoot them for disobeying orders. Your compassionate even though you refuse to show it seeing it as a sign of weakness. Heck, you liaise with government officials on a daily basis managing put them in their place to make sure they don't interfere with your orders."
He took a few breaths before looking up and looked straight at her, "But above all that I see a beautiful woman whose beauty has only grown over the years. I see the way your eyes will change colour reflecting your moods. They go a dark blue when you're amused and go a shade lighter when you're angry. Your lip will twitch at the side when you are trying hard not to smile."
"I think you'll find you are mistaken there James."
He gave a small smile, "You just did it."
"My lip does not twitch."
"I should also mention when you're annoyed you're voice goes slightly higher."
"It does not." She cried indignantly at the insinuation.
"If you say so." James shrugged his shoulders, grinning at her.
M let out a sigh and looked away from his gaze. She didn't know what to make of this development, it was new territory to her, the fact that someone her junior could actually want a relationship with someone like her.
"I don't know what to make of all of this." She mumbled mostly to herself, shaking her head slightly. It was then she realised she should have seen the signs before now. Maybe if she had, he wouldn't be sitting here with her now.
"Those coffee's you bring me, those aren't just a peace offering are they?" She looked back towards him.
"No. I keep bringing you them because I know its the only time you will actually have a break. It was also my way of showing that I care about you and that someone will always be there to look after you. And whatever you decide I won't stop caring for you. I love you too much."
He watched as her eyes widened at the declaration. He hadn't intended to tell her the last part right away, but he didn't regret it either. Everything was on the table, it was now M's decision on what she should do.
She felt her mouth go dry, an infatuation she could perhaps handle but love? It sounded ridiculous to her own ears. She hadn't had those three words said to her since the day she got married. The job caused her and Robert to drift apart finally ending in divorce having decided to move on. She didn't blame him he had told her one night it felt there was three people in their relationship and it was obvious he was last, her job came first. It hurt, but she knew he was right.
"You can't seriously be in love with me James."
"Why? Tell me one good reason why I can't."
"My age for starters, in case you hadn't noticed James, i'm hardly a young model. Then there's this job, it would be inappropriate with me being your superior. Ellis already thought i was giving you special treatment, whose to say others don't think that. See it from my point of view James, I've just had a forty-one year old who also happens to be my agent, tell me their in love with me. Others would think…"
"Who cares what others think M!? Anything we do outside of work has nothing to do with the people in this building or government officials! You would still be able to do your job…"
"Would I? Do you think i could easily send you on a mission if we were in a relationship, knowing you could be killed! My feelings for you would overrule my judgement and that could end in disaster!"
She was losing patience why couldn't he just see that it wouldn't work.
"So, you do admit you have feelings for me?"
"Even if i do James, we can't do this. I can't be in a relationship with you." She pulled her hand out from his grasp.
"I'm sorry."
"I see." He tried his hardest to keep his disappointment and hurt from showing.
"So, where do we go from here?"
"Truthfully, we continue with our lives as we've always done. You do your job, and i do mine. I think it would be best if you took a few days off. You need to heal, and i need you on top form to track down the rest of Sarintino's men. Plus some time apart may do us both the world of good."
"Is that an order Ma'am?"
She swallowed a lump in her throat at the formal attitude, but it was for the best.
"It is. I expect you to report for duty in three days time. We'll call you should we need you before then."
"Very well Ma'am. I shall see you in three days." He rose from the chair, and gave her one last look before leaving.
M watched him go with a heavy heart, the sound of the door closing behind him felt as if she had just lost something before she even had it. She would stand by her decision, yet she couldn't help feeling that perhaps it was the wrong one.
