Dedicated to Bakura's Guardian Angel.


The hate he felt still tasted like love, but that didn't tame it. ~Inkdeath, Cornelia Funke


I could stand here all day if I wanted, he thought as he laid down his forget-me-nots.

There's no one here to stop me…

-0-

She died quickly, with a smile still plastered on her face.

"Don't worry big brother, I'll get it!" she laughed, and ran after the ball that had bounced into the street. A crown of pale purple forget-me-nots still sat on her head.

She didn't have time to scream. Neither did he. (Ryou still doesn't quite believe that, he should have done something, anything, but instead he just…watched…)

A car swivelled and spiralled and crashed into her.

It was another four hours before Ryou realized it was his mother's car.

-0-

Dear Amane,

Hi. I miss you a lot. Father doesn't talk much now that you're gone. He doesn't smile either.

We moved! Which is good, I guess, because the house was so big and lonely without you two…but it's hard making new friends. We didn't move too far though, our old house is only about a four hour drive away. At least, that's what father says…

Other than that, nothing has changed, really. I mean, a lot has changed, everything feels different, but… I don't know how to explain it to you…

What else do you want to know? I mean, I'm not sure what to tell you…

Oh! I'm writing you this letter because when we learned about letters Mrs. Thompson said that you write a letter to someone you love who is far away.

And I love you so…

Sincerely,

Ryou

-0-

He received the ring five years to the day of her death. From his father. Almost like a consolation gift.

(Sorry, son, but you're not important enough for me to actually visit on the anniversary of your mother and sister's deaths, but here have this gift, I'm sure that will make up for it!)

Ryou, with bile in the back of his throat, ripped the letter to shreds. Just as he was about to throw that gift into the trash where it belonged, he stopped.

It sang to him; a siren's song. Ryou forgot all his hate (how ironic) and ran a finger down the cold gold. Egyptian obviously, and it appeared to be some sort of…ring…

He felt slightly woozy, and darkness crept into the corners of his vision.

Immediately, he scavenged the house for some rope. Ryou wanted (needed) to wear it.

-0-

He met Yuugi Mouto one year later. If somehow the ring was not the worst thing that had ever happened to him, then Yuugi was. Up until then, Ryou had lived without love or friendship or kindness for so long that it no longer bothered him. But Yuugi brought light, however dim and far way, into his life.

And it burned.

(Still does, remotely, when he dwells on it.)

He hadn't expected to meet anyone life-changing that day. Ryou arrived at school promptly, and the only reason he'd been halfway running down the hall was because of Ushio and his gang of thugs. Funny, how they can smell the weak ones even on the first day…

If he had been more careful, Yuugi Mouto would never have met him.

But he wasn't. Carelessness was always his downfall.

As Ryou turned a corner, he tripped and landed right on top of a short, multi-colored-haired boy. Ryou quickly pulled himself off of him and gathered his books.

"I'm terribly sorry," Ryou muttered, his cheeks bright red.

Yuugi laughed, "It's okay. I was kinda zoning out myself."

Ryou looks up, because Yuugi has such a nice laugh. Like wind-chimes.

That was a mistake. That was when he first saw the Puzzle. The forsaken Millennium Puzzle, one of the seven items that haunted him not only in this life but past…

It sparkled and glittered (and oh it was so beautiful) and lit up his entire vision –

(Then, blackness.)

-0-

He woke up in the middle of a science lecture. All of a sudden, clarity rushed at him, all of a sudden he could see again. Ryou, for the first time in what seemed like a long time, saw light.

How ridiculous that all sounded. He was just having a daydream is all…

And that boy he ran into (Yuugi, said a small voice in the back of his mind).

Yuugi. Ryou didn't remember Yuugi introducing himself…

He shook his head. Wow, he must really be out of it today...come to mention it, his head was throbbing and it felt like something was digging into his chest…

Instinctively, Ryou touched his chest.

The ring's tassels were buried into his skin.

(It will scar.)

-0-

"So you can finally hear me."

The cup Ryou was holding fell to the floor, shattering into a million pieces. He whipped around wildly and searched for the source of the voice. The last time anyone had been anywhere near his kitchen was…was when Akito fell into a coma…

A laugh.

(It was clear to Ryou that the laugh belonged to the same person who had spoken. The voice was so cold.)

"Perhaps I don't give you enough credit, landlord. I can't believe someone as weak as you could remember that."

"Who's there?!" Ryou shouted out, desperate to sound intimating, but only succeeding at sounding fearful.

He gasped. A deep chill radiated from his bones. It felt as if someone had ripped the air out of his lungs.

Slowly, like a mirage on the Sahara, an airy and wispy figure formed. It was himself, but not himself. The hair was wilder, spikier. The form stood taller and straighter. And the eyes, the eyes were all wrong. (So harsh and never-ending.)

Ryou froze (he felt that dizzy, woozy blackness coming on again) before taking a step back.

"W-who are you?" he stuttered out, amazed at his own ability to even speak.

The figure smirked, "I am a thief and stealer of souls…"

"What?" Ryou furrowed his brows, and tried to regain his calm. The figure was partially translucent, so he must be a ghost, maybe…a spirit?

"Simply, host?" The spirit took a step closer, "I am you."

All words Ryou had were lost.

The spirit continued, "I am your darkness, your hatred, your hidden desire. I grant your wishes."

Again, that hideous smirk returned.

"You should be thanking me."

Ryou was so amazed by the wishes part that he didn't notice the hidden threat.

"What do you want?" Ryou asked, the fear replaced by curiosity, hope.

Quick as a flash, the spirit grabbed Ryou's wrist and pulled him closer. The grip itself was the strongest thing Ryou had ever felt (he was certain it would bruise) and it didn't even seem like the spirit was trying to hurt him. He was just that strong – powerful.

Ryou looked up, afraid again.

The spirit's eyes burned like coals.

"Your obedience. Your loyalty."

Ryou blinked, "That's it?"

(He'll regret those words.)

The spirit let go of his wrist. Ryou stumbled a bit.

"Listen to me, and nothing shall ever harm you," the spirit said with dull eyes. He took a step back.

"Wait!" Ryou called, stepping forward, "Don't go!"

But the spirit had already vanished. Nothing in the room but Ryou and his million broken pieces.

He touched his wrist. Nothing.

Ryou will stare at that un-bruised wrist for weeks.

-0-

Dear Amane,

I'm going insane. I'm sure of it. Yesterday, I had a conversation with myself…but not myself…I mean, he (it?) said he was me…but…

Well, I think the above paragraph just proves my point.

If that was all, I could just write it off as lack of sleep but...it isn't.

Amane, I can't remember things anymore. Not anything big! Just small, little details. Like what time I got home last night or what I had for dinner. It's blurry and dark when I try to remember…

It must seem like I'm making a big deal out of it, but it's not just the feeling of absentmindedness, it feels like something is being stolen from me.

I don't know what to do.

And the night before that, as I walked home, all the streetlamps blew out. One by one.

I'm frightened, Amane. Something horrible is happening, I just know it.

I need you here. So badly.

Yours always and forever,

Ryou

-0-

Ryou grew accustomed to it, eventually, so the spirit grew more and more careless.

But at least the blood on his hands was always easy to wash off, even if it never came off his clothes.

-0-

"You cling to her because she's the only one who ever loved you."

Ryou cringed. The spirit always had to point out the obvious.

He turned, and there was the spirit, leaning against the door of Ryou's soul.

"You're desperate," he said.

Ryou rubbed a purple petal in his hand.

"She loved me," Ryou said, "And I loved her. There is nothing wrong with missing that."

The spirit chuckled, "What you fail to realize, landlord, is that if she could actually read those pathetic letters you write, or even see you for a split second, she'd hate you. Look around you –"

Ryou did. His soul room was decaying, but he'd grown used to that too.

"Do you really think she'd love what you've become?"

Ryou began to tremble, but then he closed his eyes. Calmed himself.

When he opened them, his eyes burned like coals.

"I'm not you," he snapped, "I will not let my love turn to hate."

(He'll pay for that later, but the look on the spirit's face was worth it.)

-0-

Dear Amane,

All things considered, the spirit is very clever. And patient. To wait so long for revenge, and to plot each step so slowly and carefully, it is quite astounding. He could win. He won't, of course, because he's a part of me, but he could. I wonder if that will make it worse for him, in the end…

I found out about Kul Elna a long time ago. I didn't tell you because…because I didn't. There's no reason. I just couldn't put the pen to the paper.

It's funny though. It humanizes him a bit. What he's working for, it could have been considered noble if it had come from anyone other than him.

Not that I agree with it, any of it. Any of him.

I don't.

Always with love,

Ryou

-0-

The first time he saw Malik was the first time he realized that he was no longer just a host, but an accomplice.

Malik had the Millennium Rod clenched tightly in his hand, and eyes like the petals of flowers…

"So you're his host. Hmph. I was expecting something better."

-0-

"Yuugi-kun!" Ryou gasped, shocked at the sight of the puzzle-bearer on his front door step.

Yuugi smiled, brightly but unsurely.

"What are you doing here?"

That came out as more of a hiss than his polite persona would ever have been capable of.

"I thought that maybe you'd like to hang out or something," Yuugi offered, that stupid smile still there.

"Sorry, Yuugi," Ryou recited, "You know I don't like the arcade."

"I'm not going to the arcade!" Yuugi insisted.

Ryou blinked, "Oh? Then what are you and Jou and Anzu –"

Yuugi cut him off, "They're not coming. I thought you'd like to do something, just you and me."

Ryou's heart skipped a beat.

(Yes, Yuugi, I would have liked that so much…)

"I can't. Homework," he explained half-heartedly.

"Oh."

(That smile was finally gone.)

"I'm going to get back to work now," Ryou said as he grabbed the doorknob.

"Wait!" Yuugi shouted, almost frantic.

Ryou stopped.

"Um…" Yuugi looked to the ground; he'd lost all his courage. "You know that I'll always be here for you, right?"

Ryou's eyes widened.

"Yuugi…"

(The spirit had to force him to close the door after that.)

-0-

"I hate you," Ryou hissed.

"No you don't," the spirit replied, unfazed.

Silence. Ryou crushed the forget-me-not in his hand.

He laughed.

"You're right," Ryou said, "I can't feel anything anymore."

His voice lowered.

"That's what you wanted this whole time, wasn't it?"

-0-

Dear Amane,

The spirit has been working with Malik more and more frequently, which means I have to too. He's obnoxious and arrogant, and always asks questions that have answers that don't concern him one bit. The spirit calls him 'brat' and it's quite appropriate. Given the chance, I'm sure they'd kill one another. But Malik has the Millennium Rod. So we have to deal with him.

I don't like him at all.

He reminds me of you.

Always,

Ryou

-0-

"I don't want to talk to you," Malik sneered, "I want to talk to him – that cheating, lying bast-"

Ryou pushed Malik's hands off of his shirt.

"He doesn't really care what you want."

Malik let out a long string of Arabic, presumably curses.

Ryou sighed.

"Are you done yet?"

"No! You tell him that–"

"What makes you think he'll listen to me?"

Malik blinked, genuinely perplexed.

"Aren't you two like partners or something?" he asked.

Ryou bit back the urge to laugh. (Or cry, because they were being grouped together…)

"No. Not even close."

Malik rolled his eyes, "You're so melodramatic. You should be thankful he treats you a lot better than my–"

Something flashed through Malik's eyes. Weakness.

-0-

"You told him!" Ryou shouted, his voice raw.

"I did."

Ryou shook with rage, with fury, with shock.

"Why?" he screamed, "Why would you do that–"

"You learned his weakness, he thought it was only fair that he learned yours," the spirit said simply.

He didn't care. He didn't care at all.

"How could you?" Ryou yelled, voice breaking, "How could you choose him over me?"

The last part slipped out, and once it echoed from the walls of his soul room, Ryou refused to say another word.

-0-

"So," Malik said, oddly without a trace of sarcasm.

(Ryou can't look at him without wanting to throw up.)

"You have a sister."

"Had," Ryou corrected.

"Me too."

Silence. Awkward and heavy.

"Your secret or whatever," Ryou snapped finally, "I didn't even hear it, or understand it. So we're not even."

Malik glared. "My sister is still alive. I miss her."

Ryou's expression lightened.

"So there. Now we're even."

-0-

"I just wanted to know more about you," Malik said one day, "That's why I asked."

"Why would you ever want to know anything about me?" Ryou said, incredulously.

"I've never had a friend before."

-0-

Dear Amane,

I found our old picture album under something in my apartment today.

You were so young. Sometimes I forget that.

Ryou

-0-

The spirit snorted.

"Love, such a pathetic emotion. I would have expected more from you, landlord."

"How?" Ryou asked, numbly, coldly, "How is it pathetic?"

The spirit was caught off guard by this and glared.

"Look how much pain your love," he sneered and motioned across Ryou's soul room, "has caused you. Look at all the weakness."

Ryou didn't see pain or weakness in the walls of his soul.

(He only saw wilting forget-me-nots.)

"You're wrong," Ryou said flatly.

"Oh?"

"Hate hurts worse. Hate did this to me."

The spirit chuckled, "You naïve little boy, hate has given you strength."

Ryou shook his head.

"No. When I look at you, when I hear you, when I think of you…the pain in me is a hundred times worse than it is when I look at Amane."

A pause.

"And I don't love you," Ryou said, "So you're wrong."

-0-

Malik didn't even try to talk to him, after he got salvation.

Ryou expected as much.

-0-

When the spirit lost, Ryou didn't feel anything.

No pain, no relief, nothing.

(There was only emptiness.)

-0-

"Hey," Malik called, rude as ever, "Ryou!"

Ryou turned around, lost and dizzy.

"If you don't call me as soon as you get home, I swear…" he threatened.

-0-

He was more broken then he ever could have realized.

When you are trapped in darkness, (surrounded by it, cloaked in it) your wounds are hidden from you. You don't see the damage done; you don't feel anything but hate and anger.

But the darkness was gone, and Ryou was nothing more than a million shattered pieces – a meadow of dead flowers.

He didn't even know if he could heal, much less where to start.

As he always did when he was lost, he picked up his pen to write to Amane.

It burned. It burned and bled, tore, ripped, blazed. Pain so sharp and finally detectable.

It soon became clear. An image of a girl with flowers in her hair.

Amane.

He loved her so much, so much, so then why did it hurt so badly?

Because (the epiphany was freezing), he hated her.

Or at least, he didn't love her. Love brought happiness, she (now, when he thought of her) brought only darkness and pain.

No. He couldn't love her like this anymore. He had to let her go.

Let it all go.

-0-

Dear Amane,

I love you. Always.

Goodbye.

With all my soul,

Ryou

-0-

Ryou placed his last letter to Amane on her tombstone.

He could, if he wanted to, stay here with her forever.

But he won't.


A/N As always, reviews are much appreciated!