PART II: Mad World

Darcy floated in and out of consciousness for a while. She dreamt that Hawkeye crawled up a wall to cut her chains down from the ceiling in the torture warehouse, and then Captain America carried her somewhere. "I'm Black Widow," she informed him. "Don't tell Agent Romanov."

Then it was like time sped forward and suddenly she was on a stretcher in an ambulance that wasn't an ambulance, but like a super secret SHIELD medical van, and there was someone in a white coat shining a light in her eyes. She screamed.

"Get the fuck away from me you syringe happy shit!"

Something started beeping really fast, and Darcy started to feel really weird, like her skin was too tight, but then Thor was there, his giant god hands on either side of her face, and everything was going to be okay, because Thor.

"Is it Thors-day?" she asked him. The fast beeping noise was slowing down. "Can we have ice cream?"

"Aye, Lady Darcy, we will have as much of the iced cream as you want," Thor promised her, giving her one of his awesome Thor hugs.

Then Darcy blinked and she was in a room, and Tony and Bruce and Jane were there. "Science Sisters," she greeted them. "Where'd Thor go? Do you need more coffee?"

She was in a bed. She tried to stand up, but her legs kept getting tangled and everyone's faces were blurry. Bruce rushed over to the side of her bed and put gentle hands on her shoulders. "We're fine right now, Darcy. Why don't you stay in the bed and rest?"

Darcy blinked. There was a pair of glasses hanging from the pocket of Bruce's purple button down. Darcy needed those. She took them and tried to put them on, but she couldn't get her hands to aim right and poked herself in the cheek. Bruce took the glasses out of her hands and put them on her face for her. "Does that help?" he asked. But no, no they didn't. They made everything even fuzzier. Then Darcy remembered that Bruce wore glasses too, and these were probably his glasses.

"Tony has to buy me a pony. A lot of ponies," she told Bruce. "I promised myself if I lived I could have ponies." Darcy took the glasses off and tried to put them back in Bruce's pocket, and then sort of forgot what she was doing and just pawed at his shirt instead. Bruce didn't stop her. He was looking back at Tony and Jane and he had his pinched The Science Isn't Sciencing How I Want It To Science face on.

Darcy peered over Bruce's shoulder, but she couldn't make out Tony and Jane's expressions. "Oh wait. Do I not get ponies? Am I dead?"

If she was, it wasn't so bad. She wasn't really concerned about it.

Jane made a weird noise like a sob, and ran over to sort of throw herself over Darcy's feet. And wow, suddenly Tony was really close too, bending over her. "Of course you're alive, Lewis. You'll get your ponies. But hey, why don't you let Bruce here look you over, since you wail like a banshee every time any of the doctors come near you?"

Darcy leaned forward, rubbing her nose in the chest hair just visible above the unbuttoned top buttons of Bruce's shirt. "Suuuure," she said. She started unbuttoning Bruce's shirt the rest of the way, her fingers clumsy. Bruce jerked, his hands coming up to grip hers.

"Darcy," he said. She looked up into yummy chocolate eyes. Bruce had such a sweet face. And that little bit of grey at his temples was delicious. "What are you doing?" he asked.

Darcy blinked at him, confused. "Is this not a sex dream? Usually when you ask to play doctor it's a sex dream."

Bruce looked kind of dumbstruck. Tony made a choking noise that turned into a giggling laugh after a few seconds, and Jane was still hugging Darcy's legs.

Bruce recovered first, though he looked a little flushed. He firmly, but gently put Darcy's hands down on top of her sheets, and then redid his shirt buttons, including the ones that had been unbuttoned in the first place. "This isn't a dream, Darcy. You spent close to thirty-two hours without food or water, and I need to check and see if you're okay. Does that sound alright to you?"

Huh. Thirty-two hours. It had seemed like so much longer, even though she was probably unconscious for most of it. "No more syringes. And no white coats," she negotiated. "Tired of being injected with shit."

Jane clung harder to Darcy's legs and started cursing under her breath. Darcy sort of made pat-patting motions at Jane's head, but couldn't quite reach her. Tony turned white. And Bruce? Bruce had Hulk-face, but he just said, "No syringes. And no white coats… Darcy, do you know what you were injected with?"

Bruce moved away from the bed and when he came back he had gloves, a chart, and a blood pressure cuff. He put the gloves on and took Darcy's pulse. Darcy stared at his hands. They were really nice.

"Darcy?"

"Huh… oh. Sedatives. And they want me to have babies with Captain America. For patriotism. Super soldier babies."

Tony had started to laugh again, but he stopped abruptly when Darcy mentioned that the babies would be super soldiers. Darcy looked at him, and then got distracted by the light of the arc reactor in Tony's chest. She raised a hand to play with the light, and Tony let her.

"Why do they want you to have babies with Steve, Lewis?" Tony asked, face grim.

"Because they gave me their shitty street super serum," Darcy huffed. Hadn't she already told them that? Tony needed to shut up so she could play with his arc reactor in peace.

There was a clatter as Bruce dropped the blood pressure cuff and the medical chart where he'd been making notes. He definitely had Hulk-face now. He was breathing deep and hard, his eyes flickering green. He backed away from them, trying to find his Zen or whatever. Jane leapt up from the bed and went out the door, probably to give everyone the Code Green. Tony didn't even seem to notice.

"Tony," Bruce growled, his voice lower than normal. "Harlem. Blonsky."

"I know, buddy," Tony said, not taking his eyes off Darcy. "If they used the serum that's been synthesized with your blood, then Darcy might have her own green side."

Bruce stomped toward the door, his shoulders hunching and the back of his shirt ripping as he fought off the change. Darcy remembered watching footage of the Hulk on television. How huge and powerful he was.

That fast beeping sound was back. This time she realized it was a heart monitor, and it was her heart that it was monitoring.

Bruce was getting taller, a low groaning sound coming from his throat. The Hulk was scary on TV, even if he was on their side, but in real life he was terrifying. Darcy had made a big deal about being totally sanguine about working with Dr. B when she first started wrangling the Science Sisters, but that didn't mean she'd ever wanted to get up close and personal with him on a bad, green day. Her contingency plans for meeting the Hulk began and ended with Getting the Fuck Out, and for it to happen when she was dizzy, possibly but probably not dreaming, and stuck in a hospital bed on top of everything else that had just happened to her was just really Not Okay. In fact, it felt like a heart attack.

Darcy was going to complain to someone. She didn't know who yet, but there was going to be a Complaint.

The Hulk gave a roar, and that was the last thing Darcy heard before she went hot and cold all over and her skin turned inside out. It was like falling into another dream. She was aware of everything around her, but she couldn't control her body. There was a creaking sound, and then suddenly she was dropping to the floor.

She looked down at herself and saw that she'd ripped out of her clothes, and the hospital bed, unable to hold her weight anymore, had crunched down. Her skin was a deep verdant green, and her big green tits were just hanging out for the whole world to see.

It okay, lady, said the fake-Black Widow part of herself. She stood up and wrapped the sheets from her bed around herself like a dress, then looked around the room to see Hulk by the door, and Tony Stark crouched between the two them. The room was barely big enough for both hulks to fit. Hulk had to stoop, and Darcy's head brushed the ceiling.

It was interesting that they were still in proportion to each other. If Hulk could stand up all the way, Darcy was pretty sure there would be the exact same height difference between him and Darcy's hulk-self as there was between Darcy and Bruce when they were puny, pink people. Darcy wondered if she essentially looked like herself, except big and green, the same way Bruce did. Probably.

Then that thought caught up with her.

Oh fuck, I have a hulk self.

She fizzed out to a grey nothing.

-l-

Hulk looked at Man Hulk standing by the door. Man Hulk was strong and Hulk liked his soft hair and green color. Good.

There was a little puny man between Hulk and Man Hulk. Hulk looked at the little puny man, bending down to peer at him. He had dark hair like Man Hulk and there was a pretty glow light in his chest. Hulk smiled at the little puny man.

Man Hulk roared at Hulk. She jerked her head up and roared back, and snatched up the little puny man so that Man Hulk would not smash him. Hulk liked the little puny man's chest light.

As soon as Hulk picked up the little glowy man, Man Hulk got mad and started to smash, roaring louder at her.

Hulk slapped Man Hulk and he went flying through the wall into the next room.

"Hey, Darcy! Darcy!" Little glowy man was talking to her, waving his tiny little arms.

"Darcy not here now, Little Glow Man," Hulk told him. Little Glow Man was not very smart. Hulk slapped her chest with her free hand. "Hulk," she told him.

There was big crashing noise as Man Hulk came back. He pounded his fists against his chest. "Hulk!" he declared.

Hulk looked at him. "Man Hulk," she said, pointing. Then she slapped her chest again. "Hulk!"

Man Hulk glared and Hulk glared back. Little Glow Man started to make squeaking laughing sounds. No, Little Glow Man was not smart at all. But his glow was so pretty.

Man Hulk pointed at Hulk and said, "She Hulk." Then he pounded on his chest. "Man Hulk."

She Hulk thought about that for a minute, then she nodded, snorting. "She Hulk," she agreed.

Then she sat down on her smashed bed, and turned Little Glow man in her arms, cradling him against her bosom. Carefully, with one finger, she petted his hair and watched his pretty glow.

Man Hulk growled and beat his hands against the floor, smashing all the white tile. "Give Tony!"

"No smash!" She Hulk yelled. "If smash, have to clean. Darcy hate clean. She Hulk hate clean!"

"Yeah, Big Guy," Little Glow Man piped up. "Listen to the lady. No smashing, okay?"

Man Hulk ignored Little Glow Man. He held his hands out. "Give Tony. Tony not for She Hulk. Tony for Banner. Banner and Man Hulk. She Hulk have Jane."

She Hulk thought about that. She remembered Jane. Jane was good, but Jane did not have a pretty glowy like Little Glow Man. Tony.

"Hey now, guys. I'm flattered. But how about you share? There's plenty to go around."

She Hulk looked down at Little Glow Tony, baring her teeth. Then she looked at Man Hulk. Man Hulk was strong. Good. She Hulk liked strong.

She Hulk put Little Glow Tony down in between her and Man Hulk. "Share," she said.

Man Hulk frowned, but then he lumbered over and sat down, patting Little Glow Tony on the head. She Hulk sat down on the other side of Little Glow Tony, and tap-tapped his glowy. "Pretty." She smiled at him. Little Glow Tony smiled back.

"You're pretty good looking yourself," Little Glow Tony told She Hulk.

Man Hulk growled.

Little Glow Tony turned to look at Man Hulk and raised his puny little hands. "Sorry, Big Guy. Didn't mean to move in on your woman."

Man Hulk grunted, and She Hulk and Man Hulk settled in to watch Little Glow Tony's glowy.

"Well," Little Glow Tony said, "this is weird."

-l-

Just as She Hulk was getting tired of watching Little Glow Tony's glowy, she heard lots of little scuttling footsteps. She inhaled and smelled puny people, and something else that She Hulk didn't like. It made her nose itch.

Gunpowder, Darcy whispered in the back of She Hulk's head.

A puny man in a pretty blue suit with a star on the front came in the door to the room behind Man Hulk. The man had yellow hair. Man Hulk looked at Bluestars Yellowhair and grunted. "Cap," Man Hulk said.

"Hey Hulk," Bluecap said. She Hulk watched him. The Bluecap Star Man moved slowly around Man Hulk. "You okay, Tony?"

Little Glow Tony nodded his head. "I'm fine. I'm their favorite, but they agreed to share, so it's all good."

"Share Little Glow Tony," She Hulk agreed. She petted Little Glow Tony's hair. Then Man Hulk petted him too. Good. They were sharing.

Bluecap smiled.

"Shut up, Cap," Little Glow Tony said.

Two more little people came to stand in the door where Bluecap had come in. One little man had arrows. His arms were big, but not as big as Man Hulk's. And the other was a lady, like She Hulk. A lady with red hair.

She Hulk smiled and surged to her feet, taking a step forward. She made grabby hands at the lady, but stopped when the Arrow Man raised his arrows like he might shoot She Hulk.

"She Hulk not smash team!" Man Hulk growled.

She Hulk growled back and swatted at Man Hulk. "Not smash. She Hulk not smash for no reason. She Hulk not stupid like Man Hulk, smash everything."

Man Hulk pounded his fist. "Man Hulk not stupid!"

"Is okay," She Hulk told him, stroking his chest. "Man Hulk strong. Strong better than smart for Man Hulk. Man Hulk strong, She Hulk smart."

Man Hulk huffed air out his nose, but he leaned forward into She Hulk's hand so that she would pet him harder. Man Hulk liked pets. That was good. She Hulk liked to give pets.

She Hulk looked at the Little Red Hair Woman. She Hulk knew the little woman's name. "Black Widow," She Hulk said. "She Hulk can pet hair?"

Black Widow stared at She Hulk. She was holding guns.

"Darcy play like Black Widow when Darcy scared," She Hulk told Black Widow. "She Hulk be like Black Widow too, Darcy never be scared."

Black Widow's eyes got big, and she nodded her head at Arrow Man, putting her guns away. Arrow Man stepped to one side, and Black Widow moved slowly around Man Hulk, until she stood next to Little Glow Tony and Bluecap.

She Hulk smiled at Black Widow, and Black Widow stopped, tensing, but then she stepped forward again. She Hulk sat down, so that she wasn't so much bigger than Black Widow. She Hulk made it so Darcy didn't have to be scared. She Hulk didn't want to scare anyone.

She Hulk held her hand out. "She Hulk pet pretty hair?"

"Alright," Black Widow said.

She Hulk looked at Man Hulk. "Share team?"

Man Hulk made a thinking face. It took a long time, because Man Hulk was not as smart as She Hulk. "Share team," Man Hulk agreed.

She Hulk petted Black Widow's pretty hair.

Then something hit She Hulk in the shoulder. She Hulk looked down and saw a puny arrow. There was one next to Man Hulk too.

She Hulk picked up the puny arrow and looked at Arrow Man. "Arrow Man not very smart. Puny arrow not hurt. Too puny. Arrow Man do again, She Hulk smash arrows."

Then the head of the arrow released a cloud of gas that smelled like sweet things, and She Hulk toppled forward, nearly hitting Little Glow Tony. A loud thud told her Man Hulk had fallen too.

-l-

Darcy woke up and promptly wished someone would knock her out again.

"Owww," she groaned. She felt like she'd been beaten all over, and fuck was she hungry.

"You're awake."

Darcy opened her eyes and looked to the right. She was in a hospital bed in what looked like SHIELD medical, and she was sharing a room. Bruce was in the bed next to hers.

Darcy wrinkled her brow. Her memories of the last few … days? hours? were foggy at best. Someone had kidnapped her, and then Thor was there, and then… Black Widow and Tony, and… she couldn't remember.

"Doc? Did they get you too?" Darcy squeaked. There was a glass of water with a straw on her bedside table. She levered herself up on her elbows and grabbed for it.

"Not exactly," Bruce said. "Let me know when you've started to feel a little better. I'll explain, and then we have some security footage to watch."