I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing

Just prayin' to a god that I don't believe in

Cos I got time while she got freedom

Cos when a heart breaks no it don't break even

xxx

I found my house empty, and throwing myself face down on my bed had the cry of my life. Everything was so messed up, all I had done was go to a party, and I had lost everything. I knew Soda was upset but the words still hurt and I wasn't going to forgive them easily...if at all.

I still couldn't help but feel like I could have prevented this though. If I had left with Johnny and Pony I would have made sure he had gone home rather then falling asleep in the lot, or at least have known where he was when he didn't come home. But in the end you couldn't change the past, and there was nothing I could do at the moment...so sitting in my room and crying seemed like the best alternative.

Later that afternoon I was going stir crazy, I wasn't used to being in this house much anymore, and I wasn't used to not being surrounded by people. I needed some answers...but who to go to? Dallas Winston. If something bad happened in this town you sure as hell knew he knew something about it. Besides, if I ever killed someone and needed help getting out of town he would be the first one I'd go to.

I took a quick shower, throwing my hair in a braid and pulling on jeans and a light sweater before heading off to Buck's where I knew Dally was renting a room.

I walked right into Buck's like I owned the place, ignoring the hellos and questions as I marched up the stairs and threw open the door to the first room I came across which luckily was Dally's.

"Hey! What the hell Alice!?" He yelled as he and Sylvia quickly covered up.

"Hi Sylvia. Where are they Dally?"

"Where's who?" He smirked at me, he knew exactly what I was talking about and I was not in the mood...not by a long shot.

"You know exactly who I'm talking about Dallas Winston, don't be an asshole."

"Such strong language..."

"Dally! Shut the fuck up! I know you know where those boys are...you're the first one I'd go to if I needed to get out of town."

"So?"

"So what?"

"So, if they did come to me, why in hell would I tell you where they are? So you could run to your little boyfriend and tell him where to go and get his brother arrested? Don't think so love."

"Look, Dal, you know how close those boys are. It's gonna kill Soda and Darry to not know where he is...just take a letter or something for them, do something to make them feel better. And, for the record, Sodapop is not my boyfriend. Not after what he said this morning. Sorry to bother ya, Syl." I nodded to the naked girl on the other side of the bed before making my way out and going home, unsure of what else to do with myself.

I slept badly that night. For oh so many reasons. Bob was dead, and while I wasn't a fan of him, I was friendly with his girlfriend Cherry. I couldn't imagine being in her shoes, couldn't imagine something ever happening to Soda. Soda...that was a whole other problem, I hadn't gone a whole day without talking to him in almost 8 years and that alone was stressing me out.

So when the phone rang the next afternoon, I got my hopes up.

"Hello?"

"Hi Alice, it's Cherry." She sounded about as tired as I felt.

"Hi Cherry...I'm really sorry about Bob..." I didn't know what else to say.

"I...it's...do you want to go to the diner and get something to eat...I need to get out of the house, and if what I've heard is true I 'spect you do to."

I couldn't help but ask, "What have you heard?"

"That Pony was involved and that no one knows where he is...I also heard a rumor that you and Soda broke up..."

"Ya, well, you've heard right on everything...I'll meet you there in an hour?"

"See you there Alice."

I hung up the phone and took a deep breath. This would be my first time out after the breakup...I knew it was silly but that bothered me for some reason.

But I wasn't going to be that girl, I wasn't going to sit and cry over him...not during the day at least. So I got myself up and got moving so I wouldn't be late to meet Cherry.

When I got to the diner Cherry was already at a booth with Marcia, Paul and Randy...not quite what I was expecting, but whatever. I went over and offered a tight smile as I slid into the booth next to Randy.

"Hey kids, what can I get ya?" The middle aged waitress asked coming over to our booth.

"Nothing for me thanks." Cherry said looking as if she was barley holding it together.

"Vanilla milkshake please" Marcia answered.

"Burger and Fries." Randy said

"Same for me." Paul answered.

"Chocolate milkshake please?" I asked.

"Coming right up kids." The waitress walked off with our orders.

We spent the next half hour talking about Bob, remembering better times, when we were all still friends and no one was getting killed. At some point during the conversation Randy had put his arm around the back of the booth, around me, but I had decided not to care right now. It wasn't like Soda was going to be upset, and right now we all needed a little comfort.

"Hey" Paul said suddenly. "Isn't that Soda and Steve over there?" I looked over and sure enough sitting at a table across the diner was Steve and Soda, and with them were Evie and Sandy.

"Oh..." I felt like all the air had been knocked from my lungs, he was here with her. She had been trying for years to get him from me and she wasn't wasting anytime moving in. "Ya...that's Soda."

He picked that moment to look over from Sandy and see me sitting at the table. I saw his shoulders sink and a look of hurt come over his face that matched how I felt. Slowly he got up from his seat and came over to the table.

"Hey Alice." My full name...how long had it been since he'd used my full name?

"Hey Sodapop." His full name felt weird on my tongue...to formal.

"I...um...do you want to come join us?" I could see hope in his eyes, hope that I'd come over and we could pretend that the other day had never happened. But I was still feeling hurt.

"So you've decided that I'm not a socy whore then?" I asked with a twisted smile on my face. "You've decided that I didn't try and hurt your brother? That you're going to talk to me again?"

"Ali...I...I was hurting, I shouldn't have said all that."

"Your right, you shouldn't have. But I'm here with friends right now and it looks like you are to. So why don't you go on over to the greaser side of the diner and I'll stay here with the other socs. Might as well face it Soda, we need to stick to our own kind, I need to stick with the better kind." Watching his face fall made my stomach twist in knots, I had never said anything like that and I didn't like the way it made me feel.

I watched as Soda quickly wiped the hurt from his face and tried to look tuff. He nodded his head and walked back over to his table where he said something to the group before they all got up to leave. As they left Sandy wrapped her arm around his waist, his arm slung over her shoulders. She looked back at me as they left and smiled, I had never wanted to hit someone so badly in my life.

"You ok Alice?" Randy asked.

"I...no...I can't breath." I got up from the table and rushed out to the ally where I got sick.

"Shit, Alice...be careful of my shoes damn it." Randy said as he stood next to me, trying to hold my hair back from the greatest distance. "You feeling any better?"

"No, not really."

"You coming back inside?"

"No I think it's best that I leave."

"We could go some place else, just the two of us."

"No Randy...I don't think so, I'm in no way ready for that." Randy nodded his head and then went back in the diner. Another difference between him and Soda, Soda would never have left me here, never been concerned about his shoes.

I walked home slowly, not really wanting to be there but really having no place else to go. Normally when I was upset I would go to the Curtis's but that wasn't an option so home alone in my bedroom is where I would be.

A/N – The song is Breakeven by The Script. Sorry that I've had a life lately and haven't updated but people keep getting married and kids at work need things…

Hurricane Sandy is supposed to give us a pretty decent beating in the next few days so if you want an extra chapter send me 10 reviews before I lose power!

I do not own the Outsiders and the only profit I make from this is a short escape from the real world to a place where I can write and maintain what little sanity I have remaining…