Gunn swung the battle ax he had used to cleave many a demon in half with barely enough force to slice a watermelon. His arm screamed in pain. Cursing himself and his weak mortal body Gunn set the ax down. He touched one of the many bandages holding his torn body together. Anne had changed them for him, making sure the wounds were clean.
"Why do you torture yourself?" Illyria asked as she came downstairs. "Your body will heal no faster for the pain you inflict upon it."
Gunn shook his head. "I can't stay here anymore."
"You are leaving them?" Illyria queried. Gunn thought he heard a trace of sadness in her voice but chalked that up to his imagination.
"No, I just meant I need to get out of this hotel. I need to run around, kill some demons."
"That's Charles Gunn for you," Rodney said as he to descended to the lobby with Anne close behind him. Gunn felt a pang of jealousy. "Can't keep him down long."
"Unless you kill or paralyze him," Illyria said
"You shouldn't be doing that." Anne said, ignoring the awkward look the two men shared over Illyria's strange comment. "You'll exacerbate your condition."
"I'm fine." Gunn huffed "Besides if I have to sit through another meeting with the grand council I'll lose my mind."
Rodney chuckled. "They really call themselves that?"
"No," Gunn shared a moment of laughter with his old friend then stopped when he thought over what Rodney had just said. Angel, Kate, Wesley, and Conner were in the basement right now talking strategy. Gunn was always welcome at these meeting, his input always taken into consideration, but Gunn wondered if he was still part of the inner circle. The injuries he sustained the night they went against the Black Thorn had prevented him from actively participating in the group's activities. Was he still in the loop?
"Maybe I should take a look at that." Anne suggested, gesturing to Gunn's… everywhere actually. He still sometimes marveled at the fact he was alive.
"Nah, I'm gonna go check on the grand council."
Rodney chuckled some more. "Man you're a hoot."
As Gunn approached the group he heard a heated argument. "The text was very specific."
"The text could be fake." Kate responded to Wesley's assertion.
"I would know if it were fake." Wesley said in an offended tone
"So you think it was a coincidence Lilah had you translate that text?" Kate asked
"No," Said Wesley, frustrated "She wants us to know when the sacrifice will take place. She wants us to be sure we've stopped it. That way the Wolf will already be in this dimension and partially through the ritual to bring about the Ram by the time we've realized our mistake."
"She doesn't think you'll tip us off?" Kate sounded skeptical and Gunn was to. Lilah was a lot of things, but not stupid. Why would she trust Wesley?
"She doesn't think I'd risk it."
"Risk what? What aren't you telling us?"
Angel spoke up. "Wesley told us everything he knows, if he says the sacrifice is in eleven days than it's in eleven days. That means we have less time than that to figure out where it will be and how to stop it while I'm elsewhere stopping a different sacrifice and without Lilah finding out Wesley tipped us off. We can't let that happen."
"Once the sacrifice has been stopped why does it matter?" Kate asked
"Stopping the sacrifice won't stop Wolfram & Hart." Gunn said, alerting the group to his presence. "They'll just come at it at a different angle. We can't afford to lose our connection to them. If Lilah finds out whatever she's holding over Wes's head isn't enough to make him betray us she might just cut her losses and cut him loose."
Angel nodded. "Gunn's right, we have to make sure Lilah doesn't find out Wesley tipped us off under any circumstances."
"But our number one priority is stopping the sacrifice." Kate insisted
"There can be no compromise." Wesley insisted "This isn't one or the other, we must accomplish both of our objectives."
"Is it even possible?" Conner asked "I mean if the sacrifice doesn't go as planned she'll know we did something."
"We'll just have to employ some creative thinking." Angel said, feeling overwhelmed.
"Gunn you should sit down, you look tired." Gunn took Wesley's advice, examining the ghost as he did. He was glad Wesley was concerned. Over the last few days as they had tried to figure out the senior partner's plans Gunn had noticed a lack of anything resembling emotion coming from Wesley. He worried Wes was losing touch with the world.
"It might help to know-"
"No," Wesley cut Kate off. "You don't need to know what Lilah is holding over me."
"Somebody should know." Kate objected
"I know," Angel said "It isn't relevant."
"Everything is relevant." Kate insisted.
"You don't need to know." Angel's tone did not invite argument.
"Because you say so?" Kate argued anyway. "Why exactly are we following you? You are the reason this is happening. You upset these demons and invited their wrath. Maybe someone else should take over, someone whose plans tend to lead to less carnage."
"Who?" Wesley's voice was full of scorn. "You?"
"What about that blond guy, what's his story?"
Angel, Gunn, and Wesley burst into simultaneous laughter. "Spike?" Gunn choked out between guffaws. When the laughter petered out Angel and Wes shared a look and started up again. The idea of Spike leading anybody...
"Hey," Angel said "Has anybody seen him lately?"
…
"The streets are red running." Teresa approached Spike, who was standing on the edge of the Hyperion's roof. "Wine stains everywhere,"
Spike chuckled. "Look normally I've got a thing for loony girls, but your boyfriend gave me strict instructions not to touch you, so be on your way."
Teresa stood next to him, staring down at the alley below. "That's where it happened."
"Yeah," said Spike "Our great defeat."
"But you stood. So few ever get a chance, to stand as the waves roll in. They are beat as the mountainside, powerless to stop the tide. Yet still they stand. You are a rare few."
"Real interesting," Spike said "How many life stories have you collected since you got here?"
"None, can I have yours?"
"Like I said-"
"He's not my boyfriend. Though I do love him, and you. You returned tenfold the kindness done unto you. You did this not for gain or lust, but pure-hearted affection."
"What are you talking about?" But Spike knew.
"Fred,"
"Listen love, you seem like a nice girl, but do me a favor and don't ever say that name."
Teresa was silent for a few minutes. It was nice to just stand next to a person, feeling their quiet acceptance. Spike scuffed his shoes against the edge of the roof. "It's still fresh."
"You hide your pain, like a dirty secret, but it isn't. It's pure and sweet. When you share it, the sting will lessen. Especially when you share with those who feel similar pain."
"They don't understand. My suffering isn't as real to them."
"Because they knew her longer." Teresa guessed.
"They don't understand how I felt." How could they? Spike had known Fred for months, they had known her for years. Gunn had dated her and Wesley was in love with her. They didn't understand that Fred had given him something special. She had believed in him when she had no reason to. She had been kind to him, wanting to save him when others had given up.
"You feel you let her down, but you didn't. You did what she would have wanted."
"Let her die?"
"So that others may live." Teresa confirmed
"Wes said the pain was intense, said her guts melted." Spike clenched his hand in a fist, his nails cutting into his skin. "A fire inside, I can't imagine how bloody awful those last few moments were. Probably worse than drinking holy water would be for me."
"There are worse pains in life than the physical. She would not have been able to live with the knowledge of what you had done. The guilt would have killed her slower and more painfully. Entire families wiped out on her behalf, how could you taint her thus?"
"We could have kept it a secret, bared the burden for her."
"You speak nonsense." Spike found humor in the irony of that statement. "She was not a child or a fool to be shielded or deceived in such a way."
Spike sighed. "It seems sometimes like this world reaches inside you and takes out all the good. It takes the love, the beauty, leaves the pain and sorrow."
"But it leaves scars that we might remember by, they do hurt, but they hurt well."
Spike tried to conceal his smile. "Has anyone ever told you you're crazy?"
"Lots of people, some of them were even talking to me."
…
Anne walked down an aisle of the abandoned supermarket, gathering whatever she could find that hadn't reached its expiration date. Rodney was supposed to be guarding the door, but he was spending as much time staring at Lorne as the street outside. He hadn't wanted a demon to tag along, but Lorne had insisted on helping. Anne was grateful for the assistance.
"Hide!" Rodney said in a terse voice. Anne and Lorne wheeled their carts to the back of the store to hide behind the shelves.
"Don't be scared," Lorne tried to assure Anne. "I'm scared enough for the both of us."
Anne gave Lorne a small smile that disappeared when she heard voices in the front.
"I know this one, he fancies himself a big bad vampire hunter." A cruel voice mocked.
"Yeah," A woman who sounded bored replied "So when do we eat him?"
Lorne peaked around the shelf. A beautiful woman with long blond hair was standing next to a Hispanic man and a guy whose fashion sense had never left the eighties.
The Hispanic man was the one who had spoken before and he did again. "After we make him watch us devour his girlfriend." The vampires started into the store.
Rodney aimed his crossbow at the eighties vampire but the blond grabbed it and slammed it against his head. Rodney stumbled and the Hispanic vampire caught him. Rodney struggled, much to the blonde's amusement. "Anne run!"
"That's our cue." Said Lorne "Let's go."
He grabbed Anne's hand and the two of them bolted into the back, running down aisles made of crates. The vamps weren't far behind, jumping onto the crates and chasing them down from above. Blondie jumped down in front of them, cutting them off. Eighties and the Hispanic vamp had them trapped from behind. "You can go demon," Blondie said "Your blood's no good." In response Lorne grabbed Anne's hand, causing the blond to shrug.
"Whatever, we'll just take your head off and use it to decorate the apartment."
From above a few crates toppled onto eighties and the Hispanic vamp, Rodney came rushing in from the adjoining aisle and drove a stake into eighties.
"That wasn't supposed to happen!" The Hispanic vamp cried, furious and shocked. He grabbed Rodney and threw him against the crates, causing more to topple down.
"Ricky," Blondie warned
Ricky threw Rodney into another pile of crates. "Yeah, I know." Ricky approached Rodney, who was struggling to stand.
Blondie grabbed Anne and started to drag her off. Lorne made a brief attempt to free Anne which ended with him on the floor, his face bearing four slashes from where Blondie had clawed him. Ricky dragged Rodney of in an opposite direction. Lorne felt the blood dripping down his face and neck. He tried not to panic, tried to think of some action he could take, but he was drawing a blank. Struggling to his feet Lorne headed after Blondie.
…
Conner was surprised by who had knocked on his door when he opened it to reveal Illyria. "Um… Can I help you?"
Illyria entered the room uninvited, shocking Conner's family. "Conner who-"
Illyria cut off Conner's mother. "Wesley won't speak to me."
"Geez um, Illyria right?" She nodded. "I don't know what to tell you. I don't know Wesley that well, at all really."
"He died, but returned. I have experience with this, but he will not talk with me. He is supposed to be my teacher, but he ignores me."
"Well…" Conner looked at his family, who were still stunned by the presence of this strange woman. "It seems like he's dealing with a lot, trying to work through the whole death thing. Plus, there's the spy thing, it's a lot for one person."
"I could help." Illyria demanded "I stood up for him when the annoying woman questioned him. This is loyalty is it not?"
"I suppose," Conner said
"You see him often in the meetings. How does he seem?"
Conner fidgeted. His parents had accepted without question that his abilities meant he had to help Angel, that this was the only way to protect the entire family. However he worried they would begin to suspect there was something more than a professional relationship between Conner and Angel. Illyria being here did not help matters. "Fine,"
"And your Fa-"
Conner cut Illyria off. "Listen Illyria, it's rude to just barge into people's homes, or uh, rooms. Maybe Wesley isn't talking to you because he is frustrated with you, for being so… You don't consider other people's feelings, only your own."
Illyria stared into Conner's brown eyes with her cold blue ones. They looked so empty, it was unsettling. When Conner had received his memories back after the wizard's spell broke he had received memories of Fred. She had taken care of him like a mother the summer Angel spent at the bottom of the ocean, tried to help him mature. When she learned what he had done she had reacted in a fury, hurt by his betrayal. In Illyria's eyes he saw neither warm loving Fred, nor furious bewildered Fred, just a dark hole. "I see." Illyria turned around and left.
"Who was that?" Conner's mom asked, stunned
"Nobody," Conner said "Just somebody who works with Angel."
…
Gunn sighed when he looked up from his painful weapon's practice to see Illyria once again. Was she stalking him? "Where is Wesley?" She demanded to his relief.
"Wolfram & Hart, trying to figure out their evil plan."
"The boy says he is frustrated with me, I wish to know why."
Gunn was confused. "Who, Conner?"
"Yes, he said Wesley is angry with me for not considering other's feelings."
Why would Conner say that? He didn't really know Wesley or Illyria. "I don't think that, I think he's just distracted. Conner really said that?" What was he playing at?
"He seemed most agitated by my pr-"
"Rodney!" Gunn shouted when he saw his friend enter the hotel leaning on Lorne and Anne. "What happened?" Gunn rushed over to the group, feeling a sharp pain in his everywhere.
"Vampires," Lorne explained.
"You should be so proud of Anne," Rodney grinned form beneath his bruises. "She dusted herself one evil bitch." Anne looked away.
Gunn reached for Anne and pulled her into an embrace. She buried her head in his chest and sobbed. "Shh," He comforted her "It's over."
Gunn continued to hold Anne as they followed Lorne, who helped Rodney onto the couch. Illyria watched from a distance. "Are you feeling hurt?" She asked Rodney.
Lorne and Gunn have her an odd look. "How could you tell?" joked Rodney
"Your injuries are painful?" She further inquired
Lorne gave Gunn a questioning look, he just shrugged. "Yes," Rodney said "And I hate to admit it," he looked at Lorne. "But green here really helped me out. Got some cuts of his own on that weird green skin of his to show for it." He hesitated "Thanks,"
"Don't mention it." Lorne said dryly, unimpressed by Rodney's half-assed attempt at offering an olive branch.
"What were you guys doing?" Gunn demanded "Why didn't you come get me?"
"Gathering food, people got to eat." Rodney said "Figured you were busy."
Gunn felt a pang in his heart which Anne sensed. "You're hurt, you shouldn't be going out. We thought we could handle it…" She trailed off.
"Guess not," Rodney said with a sigh. "At least we're all okay, even green."
Lorne looked away in disgust. When he did he saw Conner running down the stairs.
"Illyria, can I talk to you?" Conner asked
She nodded and the two walked away. "Be right back," Gunn said, following the two.
"I'm sorry," He heard Conner say "About what I said before. I just needed to get you out of my room. My family doesn't know the truth about me and I need to keep it that way."
"You were worried I would reveal your secret." Illyria said, no inflection in her voice.
"Yes," Conner was relieved that she understood.
"So you did not consider my feelings." Still no inflection.
"Yeah I guess…" Conner realized what she was saying.
"I'm sorry," Conner said, and was surprised to realize he really meant it. "I'm sorry I didn't consider your feelings, but you can't tell my family who I really am."
"I will not."
Conner smiled. "Thank you Illyria, and if I see Wesley I'll tell him you want to talk to him. I'm sure he isn't mad at you, just distracted."
Illyria nodded and walked off. She strode right past Gunn without a glance. Conner on the other hand was surprised to see him. "You heard all that?"
Gunn nodded.
Conner looked away. "Do you remember that summer? I do now, you tried to raise me, like a son. You didn't know what I did and you tried to raise me for Angel."
"Yeah," Gunn said "Strange times,"
"These aren't?" Conner smiled at Gunn when he said that. Conner never did that before the memory spell. Not that Gunn could recall.
"No they are, they all are. People like us don't get normal times."
The smile slipped off Conner's face. "I did, I want to again, with my family." He paused, searching Gunn's face for understanding. "They are my family. I know it's fake, but it's not to them, or to me. It's as real as the other stuff, the stuff that happened."
"Do you know what I wish you could remember?" Gunn asked
Conner shook his head
"When you were a baby, we all loved you so much. Angel, you were his whole world, he would do anything for you; we all would. We all tried to protect you and-" Gunn cut himself off, he couldn't say the next part, it would be too cruel. He couldn't say that was what ripped them apart, drove Wesley away. He couldn't say Conner was indirectly responsible for all of this, Wesley leaving, Jasmine coming, being offered Wolfram & Hart, Fred's death. "And then you were gone and the world wasn't right anymore. Angel broke down, you were everything to him."
"You think I'm just going to cast him aside." Conner marveled
"I do," Gunn said
"I won't," Conner said "I can't. He is my father, he is a part of me." Conner thought of what Angel had sacrificed to give him a better life. "Always will be."
"I'm glad to hear that." Gunn clapped Conner on the back. "Welcome back."
"Yeah," As Gunn walked back over to Rodney, Anne, and Lorne; Conner surveyed the lobby with a new understanding. This had been his childhood home, this had been his real nursery; this and one of the rooms upstairs. "Yeah,"
…
Wesley looked up from the text he was deciphering to see Lilah standing in the doorway of his office. "Can I help you?"
"I just like watching you." She whispered
"You can't use a magic mirror or something to do that?"
Lilah chuckled. "Do you want to see something cool?"
"Not really," Wesley said
"You'll like this." Lilah assured him. "Trust me."
"Only as far as I can throw you," Wesley promised "And since I can't even throw a pebble in my incorporeal state that isn't very far."
Lilah chuckled, a mournful laugh. "Come on Wesley, where's your sense of adventure?"
"I'm a bit busy figuring out the exact method of execution the twenty-one innocents you are going to slaughter have to endure for your evil plan to work. That is my job isn't it?"
"Take a break." Said Lilah "You work too hard."
"Lilah," Wesley locked eyes with her. "Go away,"
Lilah frowned. "How about this? I'm your boss, let's go."
Wesley stood up, right threw his desk. He stormed into the hallway and waited for the grinning Lilah to turn around and lead the way. She looked so happy, and so mournful. She led him into the basement to show him her special surprise.
Wesley was frozen in horror. "Why would you show me this?" He stared at the body under the Plexiglas lid of the machine keeping it preserved. For some absurd reason he was reminded of Snow White, maybe Lilah was going to kiss him and wake him up. Wesley looked at the dark bloodstain on his shirt. He looked at the closed eyelids. He stared at the scar on his neck and remembered how he got it. He had thought he was going to die, die and never get a chance to tell his side of the story. Now he wished he had. "I wish she had."
"What?" Wesley remembered that Lilah was there.
"Killed me that is, Justine."
Lilah nodded. "Oh yes, poor misunderstood Wesley, surely death would have eased your pain. Death would heal your wound. Well you're dead Wes, feel healed?"
"Go to hell." Wesley said
"Been there, done that." Lilah reached for a plastic bag on a nearby table. "Your effects, what you had on you when you died." She pulled out his wallet. "I kind of hoped, but I didn't think…" She opened the wallet and pulled out a dollar bill. The signature on it was easy to read.
"Kind of hard to spend a disfigured bill,"
"That's the excuse you're going with?" Lilah was amused.
"What do you think that is Lilah? Do you think is proves something? Do you want me to say that I cared about you? Do you want me to say I loved you? You're evil Lilah. You hurt people, innocent people. You act as though you cared for me, but you brought me to this God-forsaken place, the place that killed me. You don't care about anybody but yourself and I could never love you. You're incapable of love, and therefore incapable of being loved."
Lilah looked at the bill in her hand, looked at her signature. "You think you know me."
"No, and you don't know me." Wesley insisted.
Lilah tore the bill in half and watched the pieces flutter to the ground. "You're right."
As she stormed out of the basement, pausing only to shut off the lights Wesley stood there lying to himself. He stood in the dark and replayed the image of her tearing the bill in his head over and over again. He watched her do it a million times and pretended he didn't feel as though the disfigured currency was his heart.
…
Kate sat at the edge of the courtyard fountain, staring at the dry concrete, remembering. "I want to ask you something." She asked a surprised Angel who didn't think she had heard him enter the courtyard. "I want to know something." She continued to stare at the concrete.
"Okay,"
"Do you remember two hundred years ago? Can you still remember after two centuries?"
"Yeah," Angel said, remembering the horrible things he had been doing.
"You wish you could forget." It wasn't a question.
"Yeah,"
"I wish I could forget. Do you know what I wish I could forget?"
"That you ever knew me?" Angel guessed.
"That I ever didn't know you." Well that was unexpected. "I wish I could forget that I ever didn't know about vampires and demons, that I ever wasn't a fired cop, that my dad ever wasn't dead. If I could forget my life used to be something more this wouldn't be so bad."
"Kate-"
"If nothing we do matters, all that matters is what we do. Did you even put two seconds of thought into that?"
"It was kind of an-"
"It sounds so stupid. I kept telling myself that. I hated you, still do, but those words… they gave me hope. I didn't want them to, but they did. I wanted to forget those words, forget that I had hope. It hurts Angel." Kate looked up at him. Angel could now see she wasn't wearing her scarf, could see the scar where the vampire had bit her.
"How did you get away?"
"Spare stake in my coat pocket. It was six months after I had talked to you. Never let a vamp get that close to me again after that. Never." She gave him a meaningful look.
"It's okay to be afraid." Angel said, unsure of where to take this conversation.
"I'm not afraid. I was, I was terrified. Then today I was with Spike on a search and rescue and we climbed to the top of a building to get a look at the surrounding area. Not two blocks down in the direction we had been headed was maybe fifty demons. They were huge, some were covered in spikes, some had long tails, some had fangs, but they were all huge. If we had stumbled upon them I wouldn't be talking to you right now. In that moment I wasn't afraid anymore. I know now that I'm going to die. I'm not afraid."
Angel stared at Kate as she turned back to the dry concrete. He stared in horror. She had given up, she had nothing left. She kept fighting because that was what needed to be done, but she had no expectations. She couldn't see a light at the end of the tunnel, only more darkness waiting to swallow her hole. "Kate, there is still-" Something occurred to him. "By the way, Spike's a vampire as well, figured you should know."
He didn't see her roll her eyes. "I know, he told me. I didn't let him get close to me either and I keep an eye on him as well as my surroundings."
"Oh, well anyway, there is still a chance. We can beat this."
Kate shook her head. "Even if we win, it will just be more suffering, more fighting. We'll never be free, we'll fight until we die. There is nothing else to look forward to."
"There is." But Angel's words lacked conviction. What Kate had said struck close to home, calling to mind the sacrifice he had to make to deceive the circle of the black thorn. He had signed away his only chance of ever becoming human. He had signed that away for this.
"What, what is there to look forward to?"
Angel tried to think, tried to push thoughts of Shansu from his mind. There was something, he knew there was. "Tomorrow, the next sunrise. We beat these guys, we hold them back, and the sun will rise again. The darkness will return to its hiding place and we'll be okay."
"It might not, the sun might never rise again. It hasn't for a while now."
"But it will, and you'll be there to see it. You have to live to see it, you have to want that." Angel pleaded with Kate, trying to give her what she needed to survive.
Kate didn't answer and Angel knew there was nothing more he could say. He left her to sit there, staring, remembering what she wanted to forget. It was a horrible experience Angel knew, but he couldn't save her from it, she had to save herself.
…
Lilah knelt down and picked up the two pieces of now worthless paper, hating herself for it. She couldn't bear to think of some janitor sweeping them up and throwing them away. She'd been afraid as she came down here that perhaps that had already happened. This was the only time she'd ever been thankful for lazy janitorial staff. She thought to herself that she needed to throw the bill away herself, but knew she wouldn't. He'd kept it, in his wallet. All this time he'd kept it. Was it to remember her by? She didn't know, told herself she didn't care.
Many stories above her Wesley sat in his office staring at the text he'd just finished translating. The blood of innocents, twenty-one to be exact. The blood must be spilled under the full moon in a mystical circle. The location of the circle had very specific criteria, criteria the location in Lilah's file didn't meet. With some cross-referencing and simple logic Wesley would have no trouble figuring out where the sacrifice was going to take place. Lilah knew this, knew he would be able to figure it out, and believed he wouldn't. The last piece of information he needed to free Fred depended on his silence. If he did remain silent, told Angel he wasn't able to figure out where the other sacrifice was going to be, Fred's salvation was guaranteed. Lilah was counting on him to make the compromise, to betray his friends, his ideals. He thought of Fred's final moments, her pain, her panic. He thought of losing her. "Not this time." He whispered.
